Whatever

The cycle this month just is not going well. I realized yesterday I am in a full blown medicated cycle when my RE sent me out the door with progesterone. The one thing I didn't want to do. But you know what? I just don't care. I don't care about any of this. My heart really isn't in it anymore. I am ready to move on with my life and put all of this behind me. And I would, except one of my best friends said she would force me to do medicated cycles for the rest of the year because: 1) that was my plan; and 2) she doesn't want me looking back and regretting that I didn't try. So for her, I will stick with the plan.

My follicle check yesterday was frustrating. I had one. ONE. I can make one on my own every month. It is frustrating because the chlomid made lots of follies. So much that it is uncomfortable. But I have nothing more to show for it than I do every other month. One chance. One shot. Same as every other month, only I get to experience the discomfort of multiple follies that never matured.

I threw the progesterone in my purse, and texted my husband when I got to the car. I am so over this crap.

I have a protocol this month. I didn't want a protocol. I will have a protocol next month. Start chlomid on CD3 or 4; apply estrogen patch on CD8; follicle monitoring 2-3 times; use progesterone 4 days after ovulation. This just sucks.

All of this has made me wonder if I really do want any more children. I am so content with the way my life is right now with just the three of us. We can vacation when we want. I can breed my dogs when I want without fear of me either being pregnant or having to care for an infant. We can go wherever we want and do whatever we want. Baby Bean is getting to an age where she can do things for herself, and she prefers it that way. She sleeps through the night. She doesn't require 24/7 attention for feedings and diaper changes. She can eat the same foods we do. I don't have to make bottles or buy baby items just for her. I kind of like it this way. Its simple.

I really am ready to just put TTC behind me. And I know I really feel this way because I am not bitter about it. I am exhausted with all of the effort that goes into cycling and caring about cycling. I did this once before. I have my prize. The thought of moving on feels like going from a stormy year into the first day of sunshine in a long time. It sounds so relieving.

I'll give it through the end of this year for my friend and my husband. But once 2011 is over, I'm throwing in the TTC towel. My blog will have a content overhaul, if it doesn't get moved to a new site all together. Its purpose will no longer be infertility or TTC. It will be about living life, really living it and enjoying it. It sounds great, doesn't it?

Open Up Your Lovin' Arms

I'm no RE, and I don't play one on TV either. When I make my battle plans, I always add the caveat that I am no RE, and that my RE just might change or tweak my plans a bit. When I went to see Dr. D on Tuesday, my plans were completely changed.

Of course I didn't wait before he had the door to the exam room closed before stating, "We have much to discuss." He laughed and said we always do. He sat down on his stool and said, "Talk to me." I then began telling him what I had decided. He first asked if my insurance covered treatments. No, I am not that lucky. What he then told me was this:

• A couple who has been trying unsuccessfully for 2 years to get pregnant stands a 1% chance at getting pregnant on their own.
• Doing a non-medicated IUI only increases that chance from 1% to 2%. A negligible difference, and not worth it.
• Adding clomid bumps it to 14-15%.
• Doing a full medicated IUI bumps it to 25%.

As treatments are not covered by my insurance, it would be a waste of money to do a non-medicated IUI. Instead he suggested I put on an estrogen patch to increase my CM. He then asked how I felt about doing clomid for a few months. I had actually been thinking about this on my own. When we did clomid back when we were trying for #1, we had great results as far as follicle count. I would get anywhere from 3-8 follies a cycle. The difference between now and then is I no longer have endometriosis hampering ovulation and the ability of the eggs to make it to the tubes. So doing clomid now would give us 3-8 chances per month instead of 1. (Don't even think about telling me about our chances of multiples. [Things like that don't happen to us anyway.])

Dr. D also agreed to doing another laparoscopy early next year if we don't get pregnant this year.

Next he checked out things for this month. On CD19 I still had not ovulated. I also had no CM. So before leaving his office, I slapped on a patch. I went back in today, CD21, and found that I still have not ovulated. My response was, "Dr D this is not good!" We then talked about the possibility of getting pregnant with such an old egg. He said the latest he has seen someone ovulate and still get pregnant was CD24. He offered to trigger ovulation today, but I told him I didn't think it would work out this month anyway. Might as well save the $$$ and try again next month with a patch and clomid.

What I have realized this year is the doctor who removed my septum back in 2007 really screwed me over. His decision to cut, rather than shave, has cost me my fertility. Because of his choice, I had placental abruption with BB, which caused a rupture, which didn't heal correctly, which required more surgery, which removed a section of my uterus, which means I no longer create enough estrogen to not only mature my follicles quick enough, but I also no longer create enough CM.

All because of the decision to cut over shave.

The last three months have proven that I cannot get pregnant without medical intervention, and you know what? That sucks! It sucks a LOT. And it makes me so mad.

What is even harder is I have to draw a line somewhere. I have to decide when to say enough is enough and lay down the law with myself as to when I throw in the towel. And I know that has to be before doing injectables again, because let's face it, injetables WACK YOU OUT! There is no way I can do that to my husband again, and there is certainly no way on God's green earth I can do that to BB.

So the plan now is to do clomid with a patch Aug-Nov. Take December off, and do a laparoscopy early next year. Depending on what the surgery finds, we will go from there.

Clomid, open up your lovin' arms cause here I come.

The Infertility Pendulum

We infertiles are no strangers to what I am aptly naming, "The Infertility Pendulum." Once you are in the game, you will swing a 180 over a course of time, be it 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. We go from, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I get pregnant? Even some fish get pregnant without partners." to, "You know what? Maybe I don't want a baby. Life is so good. I'm not sure I want to mess this up." Then there is the middle ground where, sure, if a baby happened to come along, you would be happy. But, you're also happy with the way things are if a baby doesn't come along.

Here is a diagram I created to illustrate the above.

If you want to know where I have been lately, see the diagram below.

I have been hiding out for the past week sorting through feelings. I was at the far left end of the pendulum. Wondering why my body was so broken. Aching to add another baby to our family. Hurting so much because everyone around me is pregnant. There are five (scratch that; there are seven) pregnant people at work that I know of. I went to the store last week and quit looking at people after seeing the third pregnant woman 10 minutes into my shopping trip.

What tipped my pendulum so wildly so quickly? The realization that I was coming up on 1 year since we were finally able to start TTC after Baby Bean was born. For the last year I have been fighting to get pregnant again. I have done medicated cycles. I've been going to acupuncture since the beginning of the year. I've been going to the chiropractor. I've changed my diet. I've added natural remedies. I've been exercising. I've given up and taken 3 months off charting and didn't pay attention to my cycles at all (aka relaxing). None of it has helped. I'm back where I was 5 years ago with my fertility, and it hurts. This year marker made reality set in hard.

I was aching so much, I knew I had to figure out how to get back to at least the middle ground because I was starting to withdraw from my friends, my family, and even my husband. I was becoming self-defeating. Because I was on the far right side of the pendulum not three months ago, I knew I could make it swing back, it was just a matter of pulling myself up by my knee socks and figuring out how.

I wanted to blog about it, and I realize now I should have. I didn't because I didn't want people IRL knowing how much I was hurting, and feared that they wouldn't understand. But I should have written about it so that they could know how raw and painful these feelings are.

A blog friend of mine, Al, had a blog giveaway last fall, which I won. She sent me a book called Overcoming Your Infertility. For months it has sat in my bedroom, untouched by me (because I hoped I wouldn't need it), but often played with by Baby Bean. Then one night last week, I decided it was time to read it. I frantically looked around the room trying to remember where I had seen it last. I needed relief and comfort. Sadly, the book b**** slapped me before it helped me. It told me that you are defined infertile if you have been trying unsuccessfully for 1 year to get pregnant.

It sucked the air out of my lungs and made me hurt so deeply. Twice now, twice in my life I have officially been labeled infertile. I tried so hard this past year to rid myself of that label, but I can't rid myself of it now. I am medically labeled infertile again.

But I read on because I knew it would get better, and it did. It taught me ways of coping with my stress and worry. It confirmed that the way I was feeling was hindering me. It also confirmed that the way I was feeling was very common for someone who had been trying as long as I have. Now I take into account the first 2+ years it took us to get Baby Bean too because I have already walked this path. Believe me, it hurts just as much the second time around as it does the first. It just hurts in different ways. Anyway you slice it, infertility hurts. But I digress. The book has taught me some wonderful methods for coping, and I have put them to good use this past week. They are the only reason I am back to where I am tonight and not still down in the Pit of Despair.

This morning I went to acupuncture, thinking I would have no problem at all falling asleep during treatment (sleeping is recommended for optimal results). But the second Dr. S closed the door for me to relax, it hit me. I have to do IUIs. I have to go back to doing cycles with an RE because this isn't going to happen on its own.

Now hear me out. There is a reason I came to this conclusion. For the past year, I have little to no CM when I ovulate. It pretty much dries up during my fertile window, and that is how I know when I'm about to ovulate. Dr. D had told me earlier this year that there was nothing you could do to help CM production. He said that people offer up advice for things that could, like evening primrose oil or Ro.bitussen, but that they didn't really work. He said the only way around it was to do an IUI. I wasn't ready to hear that at the time, and opted instead to try those other methods for myself first. I can now tell you first hand that he was right, at least in my case. I have tried everything. I even ordered products that promised to increase my production. They didn't do a thing. I've eaten foods that supposedly help. Nope, didn't work. I've taken EPO in high doses daily for months. Nada. I tried the Ro.bitussen route. Strike 3. I hoped that maybe exercising would help, but no, it has just jacked my cycle up. I'm on CD15 and still spotting. Have been since CD1.

So there I lay, on the table, full of needles, willing the 40 minutes to pass so I could text my husband. I couldn't relax. All I could do was think about my plan. At first I was going to wait until October and do a non-medicated IUI that month and November, but after I got to work I decided there was no need to wait, and I would go in September too. If by December we haven't had success, I am going to ask for a laparoscopy at the beginning of next year to see if we can find a reason this isn't happening, like scar tissue or something.

I texted Hubs when I got to work and told him what I had decided. His response: Ok.

(I didn't draw this, but I did color it. Isn't it lovely?
The words are all my addition too.)

That's my plan. Non-medicated IUIs Sept-Nov, surgery early next year.

One question to the community, has anyone out there ever actually had success with IUIs? I've had one unsuccessful go, and I don't know that I know anyone who has. That is the one dark cloud in my plan, not knowing anyone who has had success. Either way, I am going to give it a go. I am going to see my RE next Tuesday to let him know what I would like to do and see what he says/suggests.

Ahhh to be back in the trenches.... #*$(@#&$(@#^&%#!!!!

Stuck In a Moment

I don't know what really caused it, but I know the moment it happened where all of a sudden everything changed, and I felt the loss again. I was out throwing the ball for my dogs Sunday evening when I looked at the neighbors house. In their driveway was the car I wanted to buy as soon as we found out we were pregnant again. Out of no where, a pang struck me right to my core. All of a sudden, I wasn't fine. That moment was pivotal.

Over the past month and then some, I have been floating along telling myself it is okay if I don't have any more children. I know things are messed up from all of my surgeries. I am just starting to wonder if they are so messed up adding to our family is no longer an option. I've been okay with that, until I saw that car, and my foundation shattered.

Last month is the first month in 5 years, with the exception of when I was pregnant, that I didn't chart my cycle. I had no clue what cycle day I was on for the whole month. I liked it so much, I decided to take this next month off too, and probably the next, and probably the one after that too. When I say it was the first in 5 years, I mean that. Even when we weren't allowed to try, I kept track of my cycles.

I had truly gotten to a point where I was ready to put all of this baby business behind me and move on with my life, and I was okay with it. AF came and I didn't care. I have slowly gotten used to the idea that I will only ever have a family of three. I have been happy with that.

I think what happened yesterday was my coming face-to-face with reality. In the days leading up to that incident, I had been telling myself that I was done. I was really throwing in the towel on having any more kids. I just don't think it is in our cards, and I don't think any amount of my giving up is going to change that. Yesterday was when it hit home that I have to let go of the dream, and that hurt. It still hurts. I spent most of my morning at work today trying not to cry because I have to let go now.

Conversations with people have helped build up to that moment. Conversations like one with a friend in which I admitted that everyone getting pregnant around me at work was a little hard. That I was struggling with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement. Literally half of the people on my team are pregnant or just had a baby. This person told me that I couldn't feel sorry for myself because it was the first baby for most of them.

They completely missed the point.

In fact, it brought to the front of my mind all of the people who were pregnant at the same time I was with Baby Bean have already had a second baby, and people who were pregnant after me have also already had second babies. I have been lapped and passed. I fully expect to hear pregnancy announcements of third babies in the works for some of them soon. That hurts.

Letting go of my dream hurts.

Knowing that I am going to have to go up in my attic and clean out all of the baby stuff I have saved away, hurts.

The comments I get from people such as one I got from BB's daycare teacher a couple weeks, hurt. Apparently BB was acting out in her new daycare by hitting other children. Her teacher asked me if BB was exposed to other children in our neighborhood, or if she had any siblings to help teach her not to hit. I know I flinched. It took me a second to answer. It took that second for me to realize the teacher had no idea of our struggles to get BB, and that she wasn't asking to be hurtful.

People asking in casual conversation how many children I want, hurts. It takes me a second to respond because part of me wants to lash out and answer in a way that makes them never ask me that question again. But I always remember they don't know I'm infertile.

People asking me who I think will get pregnant next on the team hurts. Again, I want to lash out. But I don't. I just always say it won't be me.

Please stop asking me. Please.

I feel this dream slipping through my fingers, and I am coming to terms with the pain and emptiness. I am coming to terms with feeling like a failure because I know one day BB will ask for a sibling, and I know I can't deliver.

I am tired of people telling me to adopt. Even in jest. It hurts.

Right now, I hurt because God placed in me the desire to have children, and he made it so strong that it hurts when I can't fulfill my own desire.

It hurts that I can't give my daughter the joy only a sibling can bring. That she will never say, "You are the best thing mom and dad ever gave me" like I do to my brother. That 20 years from now, she won't have a sibling to tag along with her everywhere she goes and to hang out with her and her friends the way my brother and I did. She won't ever have that person her age who has to love her no matter what simply because they are related by blood. It really hurts.

I know that I will get over feeling this way soon. And I know I will get back to where I am just fine with things the way they are, and just fine with planning my life without worrying about being pregnant or having a new baby. But right now, it hurts.

Mile A Minute

My brain has been going a mile a minute the last few days. I'm up, I'm down, I'm in, I'm out, yes, no, maybe, yes, yes, no, wait.... The thought that runs through my head the most is, "The best part about being me is I give myself the grace to change my mind completely from one minute to the next. It is a very good thing to be me." And then I begin to sing a song in my head from Slipper and the Rose (a 70's version of Cinderella), "Why can't I be two people? Why can't I live two lives? Then the other me, twin brother me, could live a free and happy life!" And then I think about how if there were two of me (which there has never been another person like me during the whole existence of man) that I would definitely be best friends with myself. Even and especially on days like the last few because I feel confident I would be able to help myself sort through all of my thoughts.

One thing that needs to be said about me is that I am generally an optimistic, find the humor in life type of gal. Sure, I take my punches and I get mad, hurt, and upset just like everyone else. But then I pick myself up, find the lesson, or the positive, or the funny in a less than pleasant circumstance. The reason I say this is because I am sure most of you read my last post and thought I was upset. Quite the opposite. I chuckled as I wrote almost every line. I chuckle when I end up being the exception to the rule, "Of course I'm the .0009% who gets a false positive pregnancy test. It's ME we're talking about here!" "Of course you have never seen or heard of a case like mine. It's ME we're talking about here!" I have just come to accept that that is how my life is. I have learned to take all of it with a salt lick... a big one. Because what else can I do? Wallow in my own self pity? What would that serve? Life is meant to be lived, and dammit, I live it! I might not always get what I want right when I want it, but I never lose sight of the things I DO have that make my life really stinking great. I can tell you, Baby Bean and I have been loving our time together the last few days. Really, truly loving our time together. Maybe that is why I have to struggle again. Who knows?

Have I told you all how much I love Dr. Acupuncture? I seriously love that guy. I went in today, totally down in the dumps (you know, cause it's CD3 and I went to my second baby shower this week today [its only Tuesday!]), and as soon as he started sticking in the needles, I started to cry. Great big tears sliding down the side of my face and into my ears. Dr. A grabbed a couple of tissues and sat there, wiping my tears away while telling me (in his sweet Korean accent) it just wasn't my turn yet, but that it would be. That we are working on changing the inside and it takes time. I need to be patient. It will happen. The man is so caring and compassionate. I am very lucky to have found him.

So, I have decided I am going to do a medicated cycle this month. There are many reasons for my coming to this decision. I didn't come to it alone either. I had influence from my husband and one of my best friends. My biggest hurdle is going to be to keep the stress and anticipation out of it, especially because the chances of my fertile window being when I am out of town are about 87% likely. We'll just have to do our thing before I go and call it good. That is the most I can do.

*sigh*

One minute at a time my friends, one small minute at a time. (And a chuckle when applicable.)

UNCLE!

I give! I totally give! I am soooo done with this TTC crap! I am officially removing myself from the ranks of TTC and taking a break for at least a month, if not two.

Just in case you couldn't tell, the results are in: negative.

"Your period is late. We don't know why. I'll have Dr. D call you tomorrow. He will probably put you on prometrium to start your period."

Whatever. I'm done.

Pregnancy tests, OPKs, supplements... all in the trash tonight.

Yes, I had that moment where I was numb. I didn't even cry when the nurse told me I wasn't pregnant. I believe my response was, "Yeah, I kinda figured." She called right after I left Dr. Acupuncture's office, and right after I found that my stereo and satellite radio are now fritzed. I was driving home while trying to pry the removable face plate off my stereo to see if I could reset it. It is amazing how quickly I went from numb to sheer anger.

I got home and Hubs and Baby Bean were out in the back yard watering our new trees that are in shock from a 4-day hard freeze last month. I got straight on the phone to B.est B.uy so I could give their stereo installation department a piece of my mind, but I sat on hold for over half an hour before I angrily got in my car and went over and gave three guys a piece of my mind in person. I'm not proud. However, it did help me get some of my anger out. *chuckle* When I left, I felt much better, and was starting to cool down a bit.

By the time I got back home, I had decided I was tossing all of my supplements because I have no idea which one of them is messing with my body, and I was taking the next month off. (It turns out, I might not have a choice, as my business trip could end up coinciding nicely with my fertile window.) I tossed all of my remaining pregnancy tests because apparently I can't trust them anymore either. I'm not going to use my monitor this month. I am not going to watch my caffeine intake or what I eat. I'm not going to think about BDing on the right days. I am just going to live my life and forget about all of this crap for a bit.

You know what helped me come to this decision? Take a look at this:

What toll are my mood swings having on her? What is she picking up subconsciously from what I'm going through? How much of my frustration have I taken out on her unintentionally? She doesn't deserve to have that kind of drama in her sweet little life. She loves her mom so much, and some days I can't believe she loves me as much as she does because sometimes I don't feel like I'm a good mother.

I know I have said it before, and I will say it again because I mean it. If she is the only child I ever have, I can be okay with that. I am just so happy and so blessed that I have her, and I know that. Believe me, I do. I thank God for her every second of every day. She is the most important thing in my life.

Would I love to make her a big sister? Absolutely. But if she never is, one day she will know that I tried so hard to give her a sibling.

She is my pride and joy. My world. My sweetness and light.

I am taking time off to be with her. Really BE with her. Focus on HER. Focus on being HER MOTHER. Because there is nothing else in my world that matters more than her.

Leap of Faith

This past week has been interesting. When haven't they been interesting lately? Sometimes I feel like my life could be a best-selling drama novel. Things definitely got worse before they got better, but I'm bouncing back now. No doubt because of the latest hormonal shift in which we all become hopeful and ready to take on the world. I'm sure my acupuncture has a big role to play in the overall sense of well-being too. Actually, I think the acupuncture is playing a BIG role right now, and I am so grateful to find some relief.

Thursday morning I went to see Dr. D for a lining check. It was a bummer appointment because he had is Dr-in-training with him again that day, which meant it wasn't an appointment for me, it was an appointment for her. But Dr. D and I had a conversation about trying a non-medicated cycle this month. I was a little apprehensive because I don't feel like I have been seeing Dr. Acupuncture long enough to make a big enough difference. Dr. D then told me that he would make me a deal. He would prescribe a lower dose of estrogen for me than I have been on the last couple of months for this cycle, because he is afraid he may have been over-medicating me the last few months, and then we would try next month medication free. I told him I was perfectly okay with that plan because that was what I had wanted to do anyway.

The whole rest of the day I tried to decide when I would go get the new prescription filled. My days have been extremely busy this past week, so getting over to the pharmacy was something that had to be penciled in. By the time I got home that night, exhausted and dead on my feet, I decided I was going to take a leap of faith with this cycle and not do any hormones at all. If it works, WOOHOO! If it doesn't, we try again next month.

What it really came down to is I just don't have the energy to care right now. Work has been off the charts busy so that I leave every day just wanting to go home and go to bed. I am totally burned out. Add to that the fact that I am still really upset about what happened last week; I still haven't come to a resolution on what to do about that. I will say I talked it over with the appropriate people and nothing has changed. I have also talked it over with a few of the most important people in my life and they have all told me what they would do. Each one of them has said the same thing. So it has left me really thinking about things.

Then my sister had some potentially really bad news, which left me reeling.

It has just been another brutal week.

BUT, I am recovering. I am not throwing in the towel. I am just shifting my focus on all fronts. Trying to shift from feeling shat upon to finding ways to dealing with all of the recent unhappy circumstances. Shifting my priorities from TTC to dealing with major, more important issues.

Honestly though, I feel like the whole TTC thing will fall into place when it is time. I have made some major changes to my overall health the last month, and I have faith that they will pay off when the time is right. I am doing everything I can from the most healthy point of view I can and that is the best I can do. We're talking boatloads of supplements (including those from Dr. Acupuncture), dietary, exercise when I'm not completely beat from a hectic day at work, acupuncture, and chiropractic, along with using my Ovacue and seeing Dr. D to make sure everything is optimal. That's all I can do. None of the rest of it is in my control, so I have to let it go.

It is time for a shift in priorities and outlook. It is long overdue. So goodbye synthetic estrogen and progesterone. Hello leap of faith.

Game Over

Today I went back to see my RE. He wanted to make sure I didn't have any cysts developing this month, and the good news is I am all clear. He asked where I was in my cycle. 11dpo. I then told him it was already game over. AF isn't due until Saturday, but I started spotting yesterday. He then told me not to give up hope yet because he had a woman in there earlier this week who thought the same thing, and apparently she is pregnant. I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Don't try to give me false hope Dr. D. I've been at this game way too long to get my hopes up. It's Game Over."

He then told me that maybe I just need to back off for a while.

Whoa, wait a second, isn't this my RE?! Holy shnickies! I can't even tell you how much my respect for this man increased in that moment. I always felt in my heart he was in this business because he was passionate about helping couples become families, but you just never know when there are so many crooks out there. So him telling me maybe I needed to just give things a break for a bit further cemented my already glowing opinion of him. He really isn't in this for the money. He honestly loves what he does.

I laughed when he said that and told him I had been thinking the same thing, and I have. I am way too much in this game right now, and I need to back off. I then told him the only reason I was afraid to back off is because of the lining issue. It is apparent that isn't going to thicken without some help. I then told him I had started going to an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. I wish I could describe the smile on his face as he told me he was glad to hear it. He said he is all for acupuncture and tells all of his IVF patients to do it because he has personally seen it increase their success rates. He then told me he is considering going to school to learn acupuncture because he knows how beneficial it can be when it comes to TTC. He thinks it will definitely help with building the endometrium.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire and respect this man. Seriously.

At the end of the appointment he told me to come in on CD6 if my period shows (apparently he isn't as convinced as I am that AF is already here) and to hold off on the estrogen patches until after he sees me so that we can determine if the acupuncture is already helping. He is going to monitor me for the next couple of months and have me schedule my acupuncture appointments around certain events in my cycle, such as ovulation, because he knows it will help increase our chances.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I'm telling ya!

I can also attest to the fact that the acupuncture has already helped me stress less about all of this stuff. When I started spotting yesterday I thought, "Oh well. I really don't care. We'll try again next month." Holy crap!

Before I sign off for the night, I just had to share these pictures with everyone. Baby Bean and I went and got our birthday pictures taken a couple weekends ago, and they came in yesterday. The colors on the computer just cannot do them justice compared to the printed copies. The colors IRL are so vibrant and crisp. It was the third time I have used this photographer, and I just love him. He does such an awesome job. But let his work speak for his talents!

Oh Yeah, I'm There

First of all, I have to ask all of you who have ever done cycles if you have ever been put on pr.ome.trium. I started it Friday night, and took the first dose just before bed. I've been on progesterone before, but not pr.ome.trium. I am supposed to take it twice a day, and the pharmacist warned me that she was also taking it and that it always made her really tired, but she only had to take it once a day, so she wished me good luck. Thanks.

Saturday morning I took my second dose with breakfast, then headed out to go grocery shopping with Baby Bean. First we went to Cost.co, which is probably 7 or so miles from our house. We got in and out, and then on the way to the next store, I started to feel funny. Just a little tired, nothing big, so we soldiered on. About 5 minutes later I really started to feel it. Within another 5 minutes, I knew I was in trouble and needed to get my child home and out of the car I was driving ASAP. By the time I got home, my speech was slurred and I felt like I was on really heavy narcot.ics. I could barely move. It took everything I had to tell my husband what was going on and then make it to my bed where I crashed for hours. When I finally came to, I told my husband there is absolutely, positively NO WAY I can do that during a work day. OUT.OF.THE.QUESTION!

So my question now is, if you have ever been on it, were you supposed to do it twice a day? And if you have ever been on it, did you have similar side effects? Cause holy crap that was bad!

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I want to share a quote with all of you from the Making Babies book I read last week because I know once you read it, you will all say, "Oh yeah, I'm (have been) there." A bit of a side note, this quote is specifically about the luteal phase of the cycle.

"This can be the most anxiety-provoking part of your cycle, waiting to see if your period will com. Once ovulation has passed, the optimistic feelings and excess energy of the follicular phase diminish, and women tend to become pensive and reflective."

Apparently there is a science behind all of our feelings throughout our cycles. You know how once AF comes you feel like you just got punched in the gut but then you get over it and then are excited to try again a few days later? Well, according to this book that is because once AF shows your estrogen starts to build, and estrogen apparently "tends to put you in a positive frame of mind and increase your feelings of well-being." Who knew? So the more it builds, the more positive you feel. Then when you ovulate and it decreases and progesterone takes over, you start to feel a little less hopeful. I found that very interesting.

(Full book review coming up, I swear!)

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In closing, I would like anyone reading this blog to know that there are so many reasons I blog. One of the main reasons is that I like to share the information I have gleaned about infertility through my own battles. My line of thinking is that if I want to know this information, someone else out there does as well, so I put it out there in hopes that it will help someone else on their journey.


This blog is about helping.

If you happen across my blog, please keep that in mind. Also know that any of the blogs listed in my Favorite Blogs side bar are women I consider friends. I read their blogs, and as is the case more often than not, I have had some kind of contact with these women besides just leaving comments to one another. Yes, we do communicate outside of blogland. Occasionally we meet up, or just talk on the phone. So if you should hop from my blog to any of theirs, please, please be nice to them. Realize that they are my friends, and I am fiercely loyal. Please always remember that they are struggling and the last thing they need is added negativity in their lives. By all means, visit them, but show them some love and respect because they deserve nothing less.

Thank you,

Big Changes

There are some big changes going on in my house right now. Well, okay, not necessarily the house I live in, but my "body" house. After reading the Making Babies book, I have started to make some real changes. We're talking diet, homeopathy, and exercise. That book really opened my eyes up to the fact that part of the reason we're having such a hard time conceiving again might not be 100% because of my surgery, but rather because I haven't been doing what I need to to make my body conducive to housing a baby. I knew some stuff, but that book taught me so much more.

I started reading the book about a week and a half ago and finished it two nights ago. I have highlights and bookmarks all over the thing. It has prompted me to make some major changes, and some of them are not going to be cheap, much to the dismay and stress of my husband. But my way of thinking is these stupid synthetic hormones are going to do some long term damage to my body, so if I can get around using them, I'm going to do it! What good does it do me to go through so much to bring children into this world if the treatments could cause me to live a life full of pain, illness, or even an early death.

Last Saturday I went to our local organic food super market and raided the bulk food bins to create myself a very scrumptious seed, nut, and berry mix. Next I visited the supplement isle and grabbed some B12 and Omega 3 to go with my prenatals. Then I asked for a referral to an acupuncturist. It's time to get serious.

On Tuesday afternoon I visited a chiropractor who had been at a health fair my company had recently hosted. Our initial visit involved a chat about chiropractic history and ended with x-rays. A follow-up visit was scheduled for Thursday.

On Wednesday morning I went and met the fabulous Dr. A (aka Dr. Acupuncture). First we went over the reasons I was there and what I hoped to accomplish. Then I was told a bit about acupuncture and how it could help me followed by a wellness assessment in which everything I had already thought was confirmed: I am MESSED UP and in major need of help. Unfortunately, we spent the entire hour just discussing everything and Dr. A had another appointment after mine, but he asked me to come back in the afternoon for my first session, and I did.

The first session was very painless. The needles are so tiny. In most cases I could hear them pop going into my skin more than I could feel them. There were a couple of points that would send a ping or two through my nerves, but it wasn't bad at all. After the treatment he asked if I could come in again the next morning, stating that it is important to get the first few visits as close together as possible because it is so easy for the body to relapse. Because I am in this 100%, I scheduled my appointment.

My second session involved probably twice as many needles, electrotherapy, and cupping over my lower abdoment. Honestly, the eletcrotherapy was the weirdest and it made me laugh because it made me feel like I was having muscle spasms. The worst was my right leg. Because the right side of my body is so far off balance, it responds a little more strongly to the treatments. My right leg was tense through the entire electrotherapy session and at times felt like it was going to hop off the table. Luckily, I didn't have any bruising from the cupping. Dr. A asked me to come back in the next morning, so I scheduled again.

Thursday afternoon I went back to the chiropractor to follow up on my x-rays and was shocked with what I saw. My back leans so far to the left it almost looks like it is disformed. My spine should line up with the middle of my pelvic bone, and it certainly does not. I guess that explains why I always feel like I'm leaning to the left. Not only that, but my neck goes up and down in a straight line, where it should be in more of a "C" shape. After seeing those x-rays and learning how having a back out of alignment can cause nerve damage that in turn restricts blood flow to the body and can contribute to fertility issues its no freaking wonder I'm not getting pregnant! Needless to say, I am now on a care plan in which I go to see Dr. C three times a week for the next month.

This morning I went back in to see Dr. A. The session was on my back this time, where the first two times had been on my front. Like yesterday, it included acupuncture, eletrotherapy, and ended with cupping. While lying on the table, needles in my back, skin pulsing with electricity, I began to feel like I was lying skiwompus on the table. Kind of like I was leaning to the left.... Interesting. This time the cupping did leave bruises.

At the end of the session Dr. A presented me with a wellness plan that would take me through the next 5-6 months. Ideally, he wanted to see me three times a week for 3 weeks, then two times a week for 4 weeks, and then once a week from there on out. But when I saw how much he wanted to charge up front I told him I had to talk to my husband who was already upset at the amount of money I signed up to spend at the chiropractor. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to follow his plan, but between the money and time away from work, I just don't think I can swing it. I asked him if we could do twice a week, and he said he thought so, especially if I take the herbs he has already ordered for me, which should be in next week.

At the end of the day, I realize there isn't much I won't do to add one more to our family. I also realize that this is honestly the last time I am going to try. After we get our one more, I am done. This whole process is so difficult, emotionally and financially. As I think about only doing this once more and then living my life I feel excited at the prospect of leaving all of this mess and pain behind. I don't want to be held back by infertility anymore. If God sees fit to bless us with more on His own after I win this current battle, I will definitely welcome them. But I'm not going to fight like this again. There is too much life to live, and I am ready to be content.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

So much to write and so little time!

I will start out with a letter from my body.

Dear Chelle,

You don't know me. You don't own me. So please quit trying to figure me out so that I can quit thwarting your every move. My pitching arm is getting great at throwing you curve balls. Please learn this lesson already: you can't control anything I do, so stop!

Sincerely,
Your Body

I went in to see my RE last Thursday on CD9, and based on the fact that the readings on my Ov.acue were really low, I knew something was up. Something wasn't quite right. So I went in braced for disappointment. Unfortunately for me, my RE was working with a future RE in training, so I felt like my appointment was not for me. He inserted the ever friendly d-cam and started looking around while talking to Trainee. First he wanded over to my right follicle while failing to tell me if my lining was good or not, which I wanted to know because I had started the estrogen patches on CD6. Right away he found a gigantic cyst that looked be at least 15 times the size of a mature follicle. I kid you not, it was huge. Then he wanded over to the left ovary and found that I had multiple follicles, all at around 10mm. He then told me that I did not have a dominant follicle yet and handed the wand over to Trainee, all the while giving her my "interesting history."

At the end of their exam, he told me the cyst was a watch-and-see deal, but that there was a slim chance of it being chosen as the dominant follicle. He then said I should not worry that I didn't have a dominant follicle yet. Ha! On CD9 I know I should have a dominant follicle. Don't worry, my @$$! After I got dressed, I walked up to the front counter and called him over to ask why no dominant follicle had been chosen yet. He then told me that a dominant follicle is chosen when it is around 10mm, and I had a bunch of them.

I left the office feeling, once again, deflated and disappointed. SNAFU, that's me. If things are not SNAFU with me, something is wrong. If anything ever goes text book with me, something is wrong. The only thing predictable about my body is unpredictability.

Although as I drove back home, I started thinking about things and realizing that with "multiple" 10mm follicles, it could be possible I would produce more than one egg this month. I didn't mind the idea of having more than one chance at conception. However, the fact that the cyst could be The Chosen One was always present in the back of my mind.

I then spent the rest of the weekend keeping my mind on other things while knowing full well this would not be my cycle once again.

Sunday night (CD12) my monitor readings dropped, which means that my body is preparing for ovulation. I expected they would drop even further Monday night before spiking and confirming ovulation on Tuesday, or CD 14, which would be a new early ovulation record for me. Apparently my body had other plans.

When I took my reading Monday night (CD13), my monitor confirmed ovulation.

Wait. What?

I then spent the next hour on the Ov.acue website reading about secondary fertility, which occurs when more than one follicle matures and the one that had originally been chosen as the dominant follicle falls behind, and a secondary follicle takes over. In that case, I would have another LH surge and get another ovulation confirmation in a couple of days. I was convinced this was what was happening, as I have never ovulated so early since I started keeping track almost 5 years ago now.

This morning I went to the RE bright and early. I bombarded him with a billion questions I had come up with after reading my new book (more on that in a later post), and then we began the exam. In went the d-cam, and the sono commenced. First up was the left follicle, the one with all of the 10mm follies on Thursday. There was nothing. It was smooth as a baby's bottom. My heart sank. Then he moved over to the right. After looking for a second he said, "You have already ovulated."

Wait. What?!

"Your kit was right. You have already ovulated." He showed me the ruptured follicle and then went back to my lining, which he said was already showing leutinization, which means my progesterone had already taken over. (On a side note, I finally had an awesome lining! Woot! Woot!)

When I was checking out after the exam, I told Dr. D that if I had a dime for every time I left his office with this expression on my face :O I would be able to pay for all of my copays and prescriptions.

So, I am once again in a TWW. I don't have a lot of hope for this cycle still, as Hubs and I were supposed to do The Deed last night, but he had been sick with a fever for almost 24 hours and wasn't feeling up to it. I told Dr. D that, but he felt we still had a chance today, and so should try anyway. He also thinks we still have a good chance because we did our thing over the weekend too. I don't know. I had already written this cycle off, so I don't think it will be too crushing when AF shows up in 10 days.

In other exciting news, I get to start Prom.etrium on Friday, and am going to see an acupuncturist for the first time tomorrow morning. I promise to blog about that experience as well as tell you all about the book very soon.

Hope, Come On Down!

I am not a person who likes to feel down in the dumps for longer than is absolutely necessary. I try to remind myself during those unpleasant circumstances that life is meant to be enjoyed. We only get to live once, so it is important to make the most of our time here. Sure being down from time to time is unavoidable, but that doesn't mean I have to stay there and wallow forever.

I find that each month I don't get pregnant I fall further and further into the pit of infertility woes when AF arrives in lieu of a BFP. Each month is definitely harder to take than the last. I also find that it takes me longer to bounce back to being hopeful after each disappointment.

Yet, true to form, I always bounce back. Sometimes I just need to wallow for a bit. Sometimes talking to someone helps give me the hand I need to get back on my feet. And sometimes it comes from the most unexpected places.

This month the thing that buoyed me back up was finding a book.

Two nights ago I got onto my Kin.dle and for some reason decided to see if I could find the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (if you haven't read this book yet, DO!). I didn't really want or need it, even though I have lent out my copy once again (that book really gets around!). I was just curious to see if I could download it. It turns out, I can't, but I did find something else. I found a book called "Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program."

Because Kin.dle rocks my world, I was able to download a sample of the book, as my curiosity was piqued. It turns out the book is written by two RE's who believe in trying to help improve your fertility naturally and reserving treatments for only when it is truly, absolutely necessary, and even then, they try to get by on the smallest doses of synthetic hormones possible.

After reading the sample, I decided to give the book a try. It promised to address issues that included the exact problem I am having -- thickening my endometrium, but doing it naturally, rather than through estrogen patches. Knowing full well that adding synthetic hormones could wreak havoc on my body in the years to come, I am all for natural.

But I digress. The part of the book that helped restore some of my hope was when the author said only 6 in 10 couples who are actively trying to conceive will get pregnant within 6 months. 8 in 10 will get pregnant within 12 months. 9 in 10 will get pregnant within 18 months. It further stated that even normal fertile of couples only stand about a 20% chance of achieving pregnancy in any given month. It doesn't matter how much you try, your chances don't go up or down.

The author also said that studies show infertility is more stressful than having cancer. I had heard that before, but I had forgotten about it. I don't know about you, but when I read that, it's like a punch to the gut. What we are going through, ladies, is more stressful than having cancer. They have actually done studies on it! How is that for a little validation? It's no wonder we have such a hard time dealing with it.

At any rate, this book promises to increase your fertility within 3 months if you follow the program laid out for your type of infertility. I figure it is worth a shot. I haven't gotten very far into the book yet, so I won't give a review on it just yet. I want to see more on what it is all about first.

In closing, I would like to give an overview of my product reviews thus far. I hope some of you find them helpful.

Ova.cue Ferti.lity Monitor - I have to say I love this thing. However, I felt jipped because it is $250 for the monitor and oral sensor, and then it is an additional $100 for the vaginal sensor. What they don't tell you is that the monitor is basically useless without the vaginal sensor. So you think, "Great! It's only $250 and there are no strips necessary." The oral sensor can only tell you that a dominant follicle has been chosen and then it tries to predict when it thinks you will ovulate based on typical calculations (i.e., typically you will ovulate 7 days after the dominant follicle has been chosen). In other words, you would still need OPKs or something else to confirm ovulation. However, the vaginal sensor confirms ovulation because it detects the change from estrogen to progesterone, which indicates ovulation as occurred. So if you buy the whole shebang, it's awesome. If you're an obsessed worry wart like me, it's worth the money. You can find it on the Ov.acue website here. It is worth taking a look at.

Fer.tile CM - Unfortunately, I am unable to rate this product because the estrogen patches help me create an overabundance of CM. I did notice a slight increase the first month I used it, but the next month I was put on estrogen patches. If you think you could use a little boost in this area, give the product a try. It's relatively inexpensive, and what can it hurt? If you want to check it out, you can find it on this website.

The True Cost

Over the last month I have been coming face to face with the true fight I am in the middle of. The hope that had been restored to me by the doctors at the Mayo clinic last April has more than ebbed away into the dark abyss that is infertility. The hope that I had of being able to conceive quickly once we were cleared to try again in August has been crushed under the weight of a very heavy boot.

January was an incredibly painful month for me, leaving me feeling bitter and beat down. Trod on. Hurt in ways I didn't remember it was possible to hurt. Wondering if the rest of the year is going to follow suit.

I feel robbed.

There is no other way to say it.

I don't think people realize the true cost of infertility. I don't care if you are trying for your first, second, or third child. Infertility hurts, and it is robbing. It doesn't matter where you are in the process. Each month that results in a BFN is painful, but even more so when you are seeking any kind of assistance.

My husband tells me I need to just let go of all of the stress and anxiety because when it all comes down to it, there isn't anything I can do about it. Either it is going to happen, or it isn't. I understand that, but I also understand he is not an emotional woman who is robbed of her dignity twice a month when she is probed like an alien and while wearing an estrogen patch for 21+ days of the month. It is impossible to let it go when you have to go to such great lengths every month for the chance at winning the baby lottery. It is impossible to not get your hopes up just the tiniest bit during the TWW and feel horribly let down by your body and God when your period shows up at the end of it. More money flushed down the toilet. Another testament to your inability to do as nature intended.

I have been wondering why all of this is hitting me as hard as it is, and so I have done a lot of soul searching this past month. What I have come to determine is that while I have fought this battle once before, I am fighting in a completely different way this time.

The first time I was in this war against my body we were living in a temporary situation. It was our place holder while I got the professional experience I needed under my belt to make me marketable in Texas. I also worked in a job I hated. I only had one girl friend at the time, and she was already pregnant when we became friends. Add to that, I didn't know anyone else personally who was going through what I was. It was only after my surgery that I started to blog and found other women who were struggling like me.

This time, however, is completely different. We are in our permanent home. We're not going anywhere. I am in a job I love. I have girl friends all over the place, and more friends than I know what to do with. I have seen infertility touch many friends here in my real life. I have gone through infertility and gotten pregnant with many of my blog friends. My life here is permanent. I can't just walk away from it this time, and I don't want to.

Not only is my life different, the cause of my problems is different, and honestly, I don't think there is a lot of hope for fixing it this time. I have already done all that I can do. I've already had surgery, and while it fixed one problem, it created another. As Dr. D says, the surgery basically traumatized my uterus, and cutting out a piece has inhibited its ability to create enough estrogen. The only thing we can do to fix that is add estrogen, but we've seen how successful that has been the last two months.

To make it even more difficult, everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. No, it doesn't just seem like that. It IS that. Before I go on, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am so very happy for the women I am about to talk about. My husband always tells me that I should be happy for them because for some reason he thinks that because I hurt, it means I am not happy for them, which is completely wrong. I just feel left behind, and that hurts.

My best friend who went to Turkey for IVF last summer went back again at Christmas time for a FET. She just found out last week she is pregnant with twins. I am so incredibly happy for her, and I am so glad that her journey to pregnancy was not long and drawn out. I also know this will probably be her only pregnancy, so it is super important to help her enjoy every second of it. I am so, so happy for her. But I still hurt that we were trying together, and she has moved on.

On the same day she announced her pregnancy, which was days after I found out I wasn't pregnant even though AF was a week overdue, I got a text message from one of my best friends with a picture of his baby girl who was born that morning. I am so very happy for him. He is going to be a great daddy. But at the same time, it stung. Not only was I not pregnant, I had no idea when AF was going to show.

That night I tried to find solace in the blogs. The first blog I read was a pregnancy announcement. I broke down and cried.

At some point I prayed. I asked God in earnest if this was ever going to happen. He said yes. I asked him when. I asked him what I need to do. He said be patient. I had a conversation with God that night. I felt Him. I heard Him as if He were sitting there next to me.

Yet, I have days where I feel so forsaken. I feel mocked. My husband says that is not God. The voices who tell me I am mocked are the same voices who make my friends' pregnancies painful.

The true cost of this fight is incredible, its daunting. You lose your dignity first and foremost. It feels as though there is no one in this world who hasn't seen your hoo-ha. Then you lose your money in copays, prescriptions, and treatments. Next you lose your hope. But then you finally gain something, a new level of bitterness and anger you didn't know was possible. Then it's back to losing--friendships, relationships. You start to pull away as it becomes harder and harder to pretend you are who you used to be before you started to die inside. Then you gain weight, either from the stress or from the synthetic hormones, you pack on the pounds.

One of the harder aspects of this fight this time is watching myself die inside. Knowing that the person everyone here in Texas knew is changing. Knowing that they are going to see a different, sadder side of me. No longer happy-go-lucky every day. No longer bubbly and positive. But a shell.

Yes, I have my daughter. I am so beyond grateful. I am working so hard to keep this battle from affecting her. Don't for one second think that I haven't thought about all of the ways this could affect her. And don't for one second think that I am not grateful for her. That isn't what this is about. This is about building the family I always dreamed of.

When I ask myself why I can't just be happy with the one I have, it all comes down to the desires that God has placed in my heart. He built me with the very strong desire to bring children into this world. Everything on this planet is built that way. Multiply and replenish. Even though I already have one, I feel the urge to have more just as strongly as I did the first time. It never goes away. It never eases up.

It isn't that she isn't enough. It's that I feel like our family is not yet complete.

I keep telling myself, just one more and then I'm done. I mean that. Just one more and I will give up the fight. While I can be happy as a family of three if I have to, I know I can be happy as a family of four and call it good. Just one more and then I won't try again. I won't chart. I won't go see the Dr. I will just live my life. Just one more. Please God.

What do I have to do? How do I have to think? Do I have to hit rock bottom and then be crushed even further? I don't know how I am going to get through this this time. It was almost easier when I could get up and walk away last time. I mean, that's when we got pregnant; once I left it all behind. I can't do that this time. This time could cost me so much more than last time. There is a lot more riding on the line, and I can't just walk away from any of it.

I am so broken and tired. I wish that just once, this could come easily for me.

Just one more.

360 Degrees of a Broken Compass

I have been all over the place emotionally since Friday. In fact, in any 24-hour period I run the full 360 degrees of emotion. I am realizing that I am surprisingly just not okay this time. I don't know why this time is different than all of the times before, but it is. I find that when I think I am doing okay, and I am back to being me, I get thrown a rogue curve ball from out of no where and then I'm trying to choke back the tears.

If I have to really think about why I'm not handling this well, I would have to say it is because I feel robbed. I feel like the one thing that gave me hope has been stolen from me, and that is I knew exactly where I stood when AF showed on time. I don't have that anymore. I can now honestly say that there was a cycle where AF didn't show for over a week, and it wasn't because I was pregnant. I know that going forward if AF doesn't show, my first thought won't be about pregnancy tests, but rather, "Oh great. What's wrong with me now?"

The mornings seem to be the hardest, but it gets better as they day wears on. The only time I feel back to my old self is when I am around my daughter. Last night and tonight when we got home I spent the night playing with her and not caring about anything else. We went on a walk in the cold, played the dancing game on the Wii, watched some TV and snuggled, went on a hunt around the house for her baby doll, played soccer. We just had fun. There is nothing more therapeutic than hearing her laugh.

I told my supervisor at work about what was going on. I had to because my work has been suffering, and it came up in our team meeting yesterday morning. I messed up a simple, but very important task. I didn't mess it up once, but three times. Every time I had to start over, it had to go back to my supervisor and about 10 other people for approval, so they all knew how many times I had to pull it back and resubmit it. Luckily, as I have said before, I work for a very understanding man. He knows how hard all of this is on me, and he knows how emotional I am. We talked about things for 15 minutes or so; how I was emotionally, where my plans for TTC were headed, and how I would keep it from affecting my job.

People keep asking me what our next step is. I always have to stop and think, like maybe this time the question will shake my brain into finally figuring it out, but it never does. I always come up blank. I always tell them I don't know.

One thing I do know is that I refuse to do injectables again. No FSH or hCG shots for this girl. No IUIs, no IVF. That is where I draw the line. Basically I am not willing to do anymore than I already have been. The estrogen patches are enough synthetic hormone, and even then they appear to be too much for me.

Right now I am still in a daze, so much so that I can't even think about what our next step is. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it gets me. I have no road map. No "baby hope" direction for the needle on my compass to point to. I am still numb as far as all of that is concerned.

At least I am able to find my life again in the eyes, face, and voice of my daughter. When I look at her, none of this matters. She is all that matters. Making the most of every minute of her childhood is all that matters. I love that child more than the air that I breathe and more than the chocolate that I eat. I don't care what happens now because I already have her.

Riding the Hormonal Rollercoaster

The last few days have been interesting and eerily familiar as my body tries to violently reject the presence of synthetic hormones. Luckily I am blessed with a very understanding and loving husband who realizes the beast that emerges while my hormones are being tampered with is not me. My mood literally swings like a branch in the wind of a tumultuous storm. One second I am the perky, happy, positive me, the next I am a raging, hormonal wench ready to rip the heads off of unsuspecting passers-by, which inevitably leads to copious amounts of guilt as soon as the sweeter, gentler me returns. I wish I could count the number of times I have said, "I'm tired of feeling guilty!" over the last week.

As I said before, I am blessed with my wonderful husband who very sweetly pointed out to me a couple of days ago that I was not myself because of the patches. It hadn't really occurred to me that that was my problem until he said something. Of course, he pointed this out as I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work ripping him a new one with my eyes red and swollen from crying, a pile of tissues littering the floor on the passenger side of the car. "You don't respond well to having your hormones messed with. I knew this was coming the second you told me you had to wear the patches." Once he said that, it was like a light went on in my head. Duh! I AM acting like a crazy lunatic! And it ISN'T because I'm a crazy lunatic! Phew!

The beautiful thing about realizing I am not myself is I can make changes in my attitude to balance out the crazy that comes from "medical reproductive assistance." I don't know how I do it, but I make a subconscious effort to keep that hormonal monster under wraps. It's like night and day. I go from asking God "Why me?" to realizing this is just how it is. I go from being upset that I am having to go through this crap again to get another baby to accepting this is just what I have to do and being okay with it. It's really not that big of a deal. It's a speed bump, a minor inconvenience, but I can handle it. I really can. This is seriously small change compared to an IUI or even IVF. I'll take this over that any day of the week.

I can handle this, and I can do this. Compared to the size of my determination, this is an ear wig, waiting to be squashed under my shoe. I can still live my life perfectly fine and normal this way. Besides which, I have the most gorgeous little girl to help focus my attention away from all of this mess, and right now, she is doing a great job at it. I can say this, going through this again definitely brings me even closer to my daughter. Gobsmacking I know! Who would have thought it was possible to love that little girl anymore?! It just reminds me to appreciate the gift that she is and to cherish each and every moment I have with her before they pass and she grows up.

Infertility, I hate you, but I am grateful for the gifts you have given me.

A New Leaf

What this post was supposed to be:

I was talking to a friend last Tuesday about my infertility situation when a breakthrough started to occur. The breakthrough continued for days like one long "Ah ha!" moment.

I was telling her about that post after my first failed cycle when we were finally allowed to be back at TTC and how once I got over the initial (and huge disappointment) that it hadn't worked, I realized that TTC was not the same this time around as it was last time. That I was no longer trying for our first. I had fought that battle and won. I didn't need to wrap myself back up in all the hardship associated with trying to have a baby again because even if I don't have any more, I am so eternally grateful that I have my daughter to show for my struggles.

Over the next couple of days I realized that I could and needed to let go of my Infertile label. Yes I have endometriosis and PCOS, but both of those problems have been temporarily held at bay thanks to my surgeries. There should be no reason I can't conceive at this point. I discovered that even though I had tried to shed my label consciously, I was hanging onto it subconsciously like a security blanket. It was how I had come to identify myself for the last 4 years.

I then realized that I needed to learn how to truly shed this label. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to make the mental shift from identifying myself as an infertile first and foremost to being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, ex-infertile. How exactly does one go from bumping their primary title to the end of the list? It was a thought that overwhelmed me, and I knew I couldn't do it alone. I came to the conclusion that the biggest and best place to start was with my blog. It was time to turn over a new leaf.

The very next morning I put in an order with my fellow infertile blogger Marla who does blog design on the side. I knew there was no one more perfect to help me with the makeover than someone who knew my story and where I was coming from. We spent the next week working together to create something beautiful and amazing. The new face of Chelle!

I have turned over a new leaf in my story of infertility and am moving my infertile label to the end of the list of things I am.

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Reality Bites:

While Marla was busy making my new blog design, I was visiting my RE for a followup ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus since going on the patch on Tuesday. The first thing out of Dr. D's mouth was that my lining had not improved as much as he had hoped. It was definitely better, but still not where he wanted it to be. I was at 7.8mm, and he wanted it to be an 8. I asked where it was on Tuesday, 4.6 and he wanted it to be 7.8 that day. He then instructed me to start wearing a second patch for the duration of my cycle, changing them out every three days. If I get pregnant, I will have to continue the patches through 12 weeks. If I don't get pregnant, I will discontinue the patch at the appearance of AF, and then start it up again on CD8 or 9. I will also have to go back in for another lining check on CD10.

It was at this point that I realized I will never get away from my infertility, whether I want to or not. I was right, this fight isn't the same as last time in so many ways. This time I am fighting a new foe on the front lines. Last time my endo was preventing me from ovulating. This time my lining isn't thick enough to support a pregnancy. (We won't even get into what has been going through my head regarding the last three cycles that didn't result in pregnancy but had unexplained spotting after ovulation.)

In some ways I feel defeated. In other ways I feel like this is just my lot and I need to accept it. Accepting it doesn't mean rolling over and giving up by any stretch of the imagination. It just means I need to add new weapons to my arsenal just like my infertility did. If it wants to fight different, I will fight different too. Bows and arrows or trebuchets, I don't care which. I refuse to go down without a fight. I'll wear these stupid patches, I'll go see the RE as often as I need to, I AM going to have another baby, if not two more. I am willing to fight just as hard this time as I did last time to build my family. Motherhood means that much to me. Providing my daughter with the joy of a sibling means that much to me. Giving my husband the children he wants means that much to me. I am not going to lose.

There is a lesson to be learned from this new battle, just as there was the first one. The first one was to help me truly appreciate the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm not sure what my lesson is in this battle yet, but I will figure it out. Maybe it is to remind me to persevere, or maybe it is to realize as much as I want to be in control, I never will be. I don't know yet, but one day I will, and just as I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my first battle, I will be grateful for the lessons I learn from this time.

One thing I can promise you, I will never take my children for granted, and I will be grateful every second of every day that I went through hell to get them here and won.

I'm on the Patch

Today has just been one of those days. The kind where you just can't wait for the sun to go down upon it so you can close your eyes and pretend it never happened. It was one of those days that shouldn't have been one of those days. It should have been a good day, but it wasn't.

Today I had a CD9 appointment with my RE (fertility doctor) to see if we could figure out why I keep spotting during my LP, since we know it is definitely not due to low progesterone. I thought we were just doing a sono, but he did a sonohystogram instead. As soon as he began the sono, he could see that my lining is not thick enough and is not quite where it should be for CD9, which is what he suspected may have been the problem the last couple months. He explained to me what he wanted to see at this stage in my cycle compared to what he was seeing on the monitor.

I started to cry. Why does this have to be a constant battle? How come every time I get to a place where I am ready to put the stress and worry about it from my life, it gives me another black eye? I asked him if this was my fault, if it was due to my stressing too much about it. He said he didn't think so. The body should produce plenty of estrogen whether or not I am in a stressful state.

I asked him if this cycle was a throw away, and he said no. He put me on an estrogen patch that I am to change out every three days. I don't know how long I will be on it yet, but I have to go back in on Thursday for another sono to check the progress of the lining.

I then asked how we knew my body was ready for pregnancy and that this wasn't a sign it wasn't. He showed me the repair site in the fundus of the uterus, and even I could see that the spot is healed and looks amazing. Even the scarring has gone down. He assured me it is healed enough for pregnancy.

The only other thing that could be causing the mid-cycle spotting is polyps, but he isn't ready to check for those just yet. He wants to give things another two months and go from there if necessary.

On my way to the RE, I had made a quick call to Baby Bean's pediatrician to get her in for an appointment. I was pretty sure she had pink eye and was concerned that she might have another ear infection. The poor little thing already has a yeast infection. Sure enough, it was all as I had suspected. I am sure she feels like she is getting kind of dumped on lately too. Poor baby girl.

As if that wasn't enough dumpy news for one day, apparently I threw my neck out playing that W.ii Dance game last night, so I couldn't turn my head to the right. It was so painful. So on our way from daycare to BB's pediatrician appointment, I stopped in at a chiropractic office I haven't been to since I was 6 months pregnant. I was prepared to beg to get an adjustment if I needed to. Luckily the chiropractor was able to fit me in for a quick adjustment, for which I was completely grateful. She got me done just in time for Baby Bean's appointment too.

But the fun didn't end there. After Baby Bean's appointment we went to Wal.mart to drop off our prescriptions. I went to the drive thru because I was in a hurry to get us lunch and get BB home for a nap. I put our papers in the vacuum shoot and sat there. And sat there. And sat there. I pushed the call button. Nothing. At this point, I was seriously ticked off. I had to park clear out in the lower 40, unbuckle BB, and hoof it inside just to give them a birth date so they could fill the stupid things. But I was so mad I did something completely out of character for me: I yelled at the people behind the counter. I have never in my life done that before.

After we left, we got lunch and BB went down for a nap. I watched a movie and put ice on my neck, an then put up Christmas lights in the bushes in front of our house. By the time I was done it was 4:00, so I grabbed BB and went to go get our prescriptions. When I got there, they told me my RE had not put the date on the prescription and they had not been able to get a hold of his office to have them verify it. So I got BB's prescriptions and made a quick call to the RE. The nurse told me she had tried to call them back, but they put her on hold forever and she finally hung up.

I told the pharmacist she was waiting for their call to which he replied he did not have time to call her back just then. I told him it was 4:30 and the doctor's office closed in half an hour. Then he made a big mistake. He told me he had all these people waiting in line for their prescriptions too and he was too busy to have anyone on his staff make the call.

EXCUSE ME?! I had dropped my prescription off FOUR HOURS before. They had PLENTY of time to get things straightened out, AND my doctor's nurse HAD called them back and they put her on hold until she hung up.

So what did I do? I let him have it. It wasn't like I had just dropped off the prescription and was being unreasonable. I needed it TONIGHT because I have an appointment in two days that hinges around the results of my starting that prescription TONIGHT. Add to that the whole situation from earlier today and I had had it. I finally just walked off. I was livid.

Just as I was walking away, the nurse called and said she had tried to call the pharmacy just then and couldn't get through. I told her what was going on and had her call it into a Tar.get pharmacy instead, vowing I would never bother the super busy Wal.mart pharmacy again. Not like they care, but *I* do.

A trip that should have taken me half an hour to pick up prescriptions turned into a two+ hour ordeal that left me wishing certain people were made out of chocolate so I could bite their heads off.

Luckily once I got home Hubs was able to defuse the situation and calm me down. I love that man.

And now, today is over. My patch is on, and I am ready to put this whole day behind me and forget it ever happened. I really loathe days like today.

Going for a Loop-di-Loop

A very small part of me is looking forward to the end of the holidays simply because all of the preparation that goes into Christmas will be over. That part is very, very small though. I love this time of year, and I love all of the craziness that comes with it. This year it seems like craziness is so much worse than in years past though. I am still struggling, zooming from one minute to the next to get to that point where I can finally sit back, relax with a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy all of my hard work in the form of a decorated tree, wrapped presents, lights on the house and in the yard, batches and batches of gingerbread cookies made complete with icing, Christmas cards posted, and gifts sent off.

Right now, despite the fact that all of my shopping was done before Thanksgiving, I am still a long ways away from that vision.

Now for something completely different.

I have a date with my RE on CD 10. That's right, this month was another Big Fat Failure on the baby front. I had called my RE's office on Friday when I started spotting 3 days early to make an appointment to get in to see him. I want to talk to him face to face about this problem and see what he thinks could be the cause, since it is obviously not low progesterone (my number last month was 28 - really high).

The lady who does his scheduling never called me back after I left a message, and I admit, I was bummed. They are usually so good about calling back. Today my husband woke me up from my nap because my RE was on the phone! He had gone into the office today to check the voice mail for the lady who handles the scheduling because she was on vacation.

This man obviously loves his job and cares about his patients. We talked for about 20 minutes while I told him what has been going on and explained I had already seen my OB to rule out anything obvious. So he wants to check my lining on CD 10 to determine if the problem is related to low estrogen, resulting in a thin lining, or if I just have a cranky ute from the surgery.

The thing that is most frustrating for me is that there is no "typical" with me because of my "impressive defect" (Dr. D's exact words). No one else has had this problem that any of the doctors I have seen can find. So no one can tell me this mid-cycle spotting is normal for my surgery or not. No one can say this should or shouldn't happen. There isn't a list of things my doctors should look for

"I am a lone reed." ~You've G.ot Mai.l

So, of course I am gearing up for another month in the trenches, once I got over the initial disappointment, of course. I am going to work on a better diet this next month that is geared toward fertility and see if that makes a difference. I also ordered another fertility supplement tonight that I will test out over the next couple of months and let you all know what I think. I have even decided that once my FSA kicks in in January, I am going to shell out for the hoo-ha sensor for my monitor. (Just in case you didn't know, the fertility monitor is considered FSA-reimbursable in most cases.)

I have realized over the last couple of days that I can never hand this fight over to God completely. I need to feel that I am doing my part. It isn't so much that I need control as it is I feel like I need to be proactive. I need to make sure that I feel like I am doing everything I can to make this happen, and for me that involves monitors, OPKs, supplements, and dietary adjustments. I'm okay with that. Especially because the last two will help get my body in better shape to accept a pregnancy. As I said in my last post, I am who I am, and I accept that.

In closing, I want to ask for prayers on behalf of my sister who delivered my baby niece yesterday at 30 weeks pregnant. She had gone in for another blood transfusion on the baby when they realized there was no amniotic fluid. So far both of them are doing really well. Please send them your love and prayers that things will continue to go well. Once again, you can visit her blog for details.

Wish Granted

I am not quite ready to do my product review on any of the fertility products I just bought. I am waiting until at least this cycle is over to give my final say. I never did like people who gave product reviews on something they just barely bought and have only used a couple of times. I give way more stock into the ones where the user has had the product for at least a few months, and even better if they have had it for a year or more. The reason I wrote that is because I am about to give you a little insight into the Ov.acue Fertil.ity Mon.itor (herein referred to as OFM), but I don't want what I write to be taken as a review by any stretch.

In my last post I expressed my desire to quit focusing so much on trying to get pregnant. I wanted to hand it all over to God and let things be in His time, not mine. I want to hand the reigns over and go back to living my life the way I had from the time my daughter was born until three months ago when we were finally able to try for another baby. I want to focus on living each moment and paying attention to the things that really matter and not my fertile signs.

After I wrote that post I came to the firm resolve that no matter what happened with the monitor, I would not use OPKs this month. That is a HUGE step for me. ENORMOUS. OPKs have become my comfort and solace, my safe place, and my indication that all is well with the world. In fact, I am sure the makers of OPKs cried when I bought my monitor, and I am sure they cried even more when I decided they weren't going to be a back up plan this month.

I started using the OFM on CD5 this month because that was the soonest I could get it in my hot little hands, which also happened to be the very last day of your cycle that you can start using it. They recommend CD2. The first few days it told me I wasn't fertile, we which all knew. Then on CD11, it told me I was possibly fertile. I was a bit surprised, but went with it. It then predicted that my peak fertile day would be on CD14. It bases this off an average of 5-7 days after you first enter your possible fertile phase. I waited for CD14 to come, and for the color of the day to change from "highest fertility" to "highly fertile." It didn't. So then I waited for CD15 (today) to change from "highly fertile" to "highest fertility." It didn't. But I know I am just as fertile today as I was yesterday based on my body cues.

My next step was to hop onto their website to see what a typical cycle looked like just to gauge my readings. It was then that I found out the first couple months are basically throw away months, just like the first few months of fertility treatments. The monitor is going to use my readings from this cycle and next to determine what is fertile for me. Right now it is going off of what happens for women on average. There is one way to be able to tell exactly if I ovulate this month, but that entails buying a va-jay-jay sensor for another $100, which I am just not willing to do right now. It's Christmas, and I don't need it that bad.

What does this mean to me? It means my wish was granted. This monitor isn't going to tell me anything this month or even next. Right now, it is getting to know me just as much as I am getting to know it.

So as of this afternoon, my fertility has officially been handed over to God. I've done my part to ensure everything is in working order, and I will do my part to make things happen, but I am done stressing about it. Our next baby is now in His time, not mine.

It is amazing how freeing writing that last sentence is.

Take it away God!

The Wrong Way?

Infertility is such a curse. I hate how the more you want to be pregnant, the harder it is to get pregnant. So you try not to think about it. You put on your game face whilst also pretending you are calm, cool, collected, and could care less if you got pregnant. But underneath it all, you know you want a baby more than anything. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't care if it doesn't work out this month or next, you can't think about anything else.

You remind yourself multiple times throughout every day what cycle day you are on. You are constantly going to the loo to check your fertile signs, giving yourself a mental high five when things look good, telling yourself its no big deal if you aren't fertile yet because you know it's coming, or trying not to freak out when things don't seem to be going according to plan.

You are constantly mapping out your baby making plan, which changes almost every minute of every day, depending on your mood or what you found in the loo 15 minutes ago.

You distract yourself with work. "I am a very busy woman, after all. I can't sit here and focus on making babies all day. I have work I need to get done." So you dig in, only to realize 5 minutes later you are working on your baby making battle plan again.

Of course all of this raises your prolactin levels, which I found out last month is an indication of stress, and therefore the higher your prolactin, the less likely you are to get pregnant because high levels inhibit ovulation. Fantastic.

It is a viscous cycle. It is never ending. It is fought minutely, hourly, daily, monthly, and sometimes yearly.

Sure, go on and tell me that I don't need to stress like this because I already won my first fight with infertility and have the most gorgeous baby girl on the planet to show for it. But you know what? That doesn't shut up my internal drive and desire to have more. God put these desires in all of us, and He made them strong. I can sit here and tell myself all day long that it doesn't matter if I don't get pregnant again because I already have a baby, but that does not change the fact that deep down, in my very core, I ache to have more children. I long with every fiber of my being to grow my family. I feel the obligation to help my husband prove his manhood by providing him with numerous offspring. Just because I have one, that desire does not diminish, and I didn't understand that until I was on this side of infertility.

I wish that I could find the strength within me to just let go of this battle and hand it over to God. I wish that I felt my relationship with God was close enough that I could ask Him to take this on with me. I am a good person, but I don't live my religion in the way that I should. By that I mean I don't go to church every Sunday. Heck, its been months since I've gone. I don't feel like I can ask God to help me when I haven't been doing one of the most basic things He has asked of me. I feel like if I start going now, it would seem that I am only going to get what I want. Aren't I? I am no fair weather friend to anyone, least of all to God.

But maybe I need to get over that and realize that if the relationship I have with God is anything like the relationship I have with my daughter, He will step in no matter what I have or haven't done because He loves me. There is nothing my daughter could do in this life that would make me turn my back on her and not help her when she needed it.

Maybe I need to put the fertility monitor in a drawer and leave the OPKs out of the picture. But how do I do that without stressing? Maybe that stupid monitor makes me stress more than I would otherwise. But I can't envision life without some kind of concrete indication of my fertility besides the signs my body is supposed to give me. It's all I have known for the last 4.5 years with the exception of the year during my pregnancy.

I want to let this go. I want to hand it over to God and trust Him completely. I just don't know how. This has become so much a part of who I am. So much a part of my daily life. It would be a hard habit to break, and one that in this moment seems impossible. If I hadn't just spent hundreds of dollars on my fertility monitor along with vitamins and a relaxation series, I'd quit paying attention to this cycle right now.

This is so difficult. It never seems to get easier either. No matter which side of things you are on. I guess the only way to break a habit is one day at a time. I just wish I had the power within me to start breaking it tonight.