You remind yourself multiple times throughout every day what cycle day you are on. You are constantly going to the loo to check your fertile signs, giving yourself a mental high five when things look good, telling yourself its no big deal if you aren't fertile yet because you know it's coming, or trying not to freak out when things don't seem to be going according to plan.
You are constantly mapping out your baby making plan, which changes almost every minute of every day, depending on your mood or what you found in the loo 15 minutes ago.
You distract yourself with work. "I am a very busy woman, after all. I can't sit here and focus on making babies all day. I have work I need to get done." So you dig in, only to realize 5 minutes later you are working on your baby making battle plan again.
Of course all of this raises your prolactin levels, which I found out last month is an indication of stress, and therefore the higher your prolactin, the less likely you are to get pregnant because high levels inhibit ovulation. Fantastic.
It is a viscous cycle. It is never ending. It is fought minutely, hourly, daily, monthly, and sometimes yearly.
Sure, go on and tell me that I don't need to stress like this because I already won my first fight with infertility and have the most gorgeous baby girl on the planet to show for it. But you know what? That doesn't shut up my internal drive and desire to have more. God put these desires in all of us, and He made them strong. I can sit here and tell myself all day long that it doesn't matter if I don't get pregnant again because I already have a baby, but that does not change the fact that deep down, in my very core, I ache to have more children. I long with every fiber of my being to grow my family. I feel the obligation to help my husband prove his manhood by providing him with numerous offspring. Just because I have one, that desire does not diminish, and I didn't understand that until I was on this side of infertility.
I wish that I could find the strength within me to just let go of this battle and hand it over to God. I wish that I felt my relationship with God was close enough that I could ask Him to take this on with me. I am a good person, but I don't live my religion in the way that I should. By that I mean I don't go to church every Sunday. Heck, its been months since I've gone. I don't feel like I can ask God to help me when I haven't been doing one of the most basic things He has asked of me. I feel like if I start going now, it would seem that I am only going to get what I want. Aren't I? I am no fair weather friend to anyone, least of all to God.
But maybe I need to get over that and realize that if the relationship I have with God is anything like the relationship I have with my daughter, He will step in no matter what I have or haven't done because He loves me. There is nothing my daughter could do in this life that would make me turn my back on her and not help her when she needed it.
Maybe I need to put the fertility monitor in a drawer and leave the OPKs out of the picture. But how do I do that without stressing? Maybe that stupid monitor makes me stress more than I would otherwise. But I can't envision life without some kind of concrete indication of my fertility besides the signs my body is supposed to give me. It's all I have known for the last 4.5 years with the exception of the year during my pregnancy.
I want to let this go. I want to hand it over to God and trust Him completely. I just don't know how. This has become so much a part of who I am. So much a part of my daily life. It would be a hard habit to break, and one that in this moment seems impossible. If I hadn't just spent hundreds of dollars on my fertility monitor along with vitamins and a relaxation series, I'd quit paying attention to this cycle right now.
This is so difficult. It never seems to get easier either. No matter which side of things you are on. I guess the only way to break a habit is one day at a time. I just wish I had the power within me to start breaking it tonight.
8 Thoughts:
I wish that I could give you insight as to how to not obsess on it. I know that I obsessed and it made me ill, and I didn't go through it as long as you did. I remember constantly checking all of the signs and constantly changing our plans based on my signs or what my fertility monitor said. The "low" days were a struggle for me and I was depressed. The "high" days made me anxious as I just waited and waited for the peak. Then the "peak" made me go over and over again in my head what our plan was for timing of BD.
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. And don't feel that you have to apologize for deeply wanting another child, even though you already have one. Just because you have one doesn't mean that you can't yearn for another one.
As for the God thing, I haven't been to church in years, but I consider myself worthy enough to ask things of Him, and I know that you are too. I think that even if you or I were to never step foot in church again, that He would still want to listen to our struggles and grant us our greatest desires.
I'm thinking about you, and I'll pray for you tonight too!
I know its hard but I know you'll get there and I know the results will be amazing. Hang in there lovely lady!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Your little girl is so precious. Seeing as I haven't done this in 6 years, I'm not sure how it will go this time around. Hopefully I won't be so obsessive. I know last time I was.
However, the last 6 years has somehow brought a lot of closure, peace, and happiness even without children, or trying to have them.
I don't want to sound to preachy, but I know the reason why I've had such peace and happiness is because I turned it all over to the Lord. I let Him carry the burden, heartache, and all the pain. It's never too late to ask Him for help. But the kicker is allowing yourself to ask (or at least that was the hardest part for me... so many reasons I had to feel inadequate).
Good luck ttc #2! I'll be following your journey.
Great post - I hate the obsessiveness of infertility. I really wish we could all easily breeze through this, but somehow that's not the path we're on. I hope you can break some of your addictions, but I have no suggestions as I am one big huge IF addict!
Oh sweetie. I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever.
Of course you want more children and of course it consumes every minute of every day. I remember those days and how it seemed if someone wasn't talking about infertility or babies or saying those words, I just wasn't listening.
And some days it is sooo hard to give it to God. It's so hard and i know you know that. Some days it's easier but most of the time it's so hard to understand. What gives me comfort some days is knowing that when we're in heaven, that's when we'll be able to ask the questions why and He'll be able to tell us and it'll all make sense immediately....of course that's on my good days. Otherwise, I'm the complete opposite. :)
Love you girl. Always, always, always here for you if you need me...anytime!!
It truely is a vicious cycle. I hate hearing about anyone having to endure this type of trial.
I am sure this was extremely hard for you but I think you did a beautiful job of summing up infertility and the toll it really takes on women, it can be so suffocating.
As for the religion thing - you don't have to go to church. Yes God desires for us to have fellowship and join together but the reality of life is that you can worship with Him no matter if you are in a church or not. I beat myself up over that for so many years before I just abandoned my beliefs on religion all together. Organized religion gets into so much red tape and so many controversal things. The truth of the matter for me was that I wanted that closeness with God and a realtionship with Him but I was too busy jumping thru so many hoops so that I gave up. I spend my time with him, we found a great non-denominational church that we attend somewhat regularly but I really felt like God was saying I'm right here, ALWAYS. And reassuring myself I didn't have to wait until Wednesday or Sunday really helped me.
You are in my prayers daily girl, I know battling the stress is very hard but I know you can do it - you are an incredibly strong woman, your heart is made of gold and I know that the Lord loves you no matter how many times you attend church. I love you too!!!!
God doesn't work like that... in fact, I'd suspect he uses painful situations in our lives (like infertility) to draw us back TO HIM. I have spent my whole life struggling to make HIM my focus and priority, but I know that when I DO, things seem to work out for the best in my life. Don't ever feel like you can't turn to him just because you haven't been to church in months. He is a God of mercy and forgiveness and is ALWAYS waiting with open arms. I'll be praying for you.
I know it's hard to not obsess. I can't even imagine being in your shoes. But I do think there might be something to tossing it all aside and finding other things to focus on in life so it doesn't make you feel so crazy. Being a type A control freak sure makes it hard, speaking as ONE.
xoxo
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