REALLY?!

I am an exception to every rule. I am a trend bunker. The odd man out. The one always on the outside of the circle. Sure, some of you are here with me, but most of you are not. For those of you who are, do you often feel the way I do, in that I get very, very tired of being a trend bunker?

Do you know what this is?

Look really closely. Do you see that little vertical line crossing the horizontal line? It's very faint, so you will have to look close.

That my friends is a false positive pregnancy test.

I am officially 4 days late for my period. Yet somehow, I am not pregnant. The test in the picture above is one of five, and the only one of five that is positive. The first of pair in which one was negative and the other was positive. Here's the story of how it came to be:

Yesterday (Tuesday) I was at work telling my Super Fertile BFF (whom I very sincerely love, and she knows it) that AF was officially two days late. She told me I should take a pregnancy test and get it over with, but I kept telling her I couldn't do it. Keep in mind this is my first non-medicated cycle since November. Instead, I made a call to my RE's office to let them know I was late, as Dr. D always tells me to call him as soon as I know AF is MIA. They wanted to see me the next day, but Dr. D works at an office 45 minutes from me on MWF, so I opted to wait until Thursday morning when he works at the one nearest me.

Over the next half hour or so, my BFF finally talked me into going home at lunch to take a pregnancy test. She drove me there and waited while I took a specimen that I then dipped two tests into; one was a digital test and the other the old fashioned line test. She took the line test, and I took the digital. As she watched the line test, and smile began to cross her face. I didn't get excited yet. I have been infertile long enough that I don't get my hopes up easily. I waited until the digital test read, "BFLMAON!" (Which means, Big Fat Laughing My A$$ Off Negative!) My friend and I then stood there analyzing the tiny, barely visible vertical line, taking it into different lights to see if we could still see it. Finally we decided it was possible, and left to get some lunch.

That night I went and picked up some FRERs after my acupuncture session. Surely if I had gotten a hint of a positive on a Cl.ear B.lue, it would show up on a FRER.

BFLMAON

Fine. I decided to take two tests this morning with FMU. A CB and a FRER.

Both of them: BFLMAON

There is NO sign of AF. My girls are sore. I have been dizzy as hell and almost every bit as tired. In fact I came home from work yesterday, curled up on my bed with Baby Bean, and fell asleep while she watched D.ora until her dad got home at 6:30. Even then it took everything I had to keep from going back to sleep. Oh yes, I have been nauseous too. So much so today that I hardly ate, and when I did, I wished I hadn't.

But...

I am not pregnant.

I don't get it.

I can't even begin to tell you about the feelings stewing around inside me right now.

I called Dr. D's office this morning and left a message (because I never get through to a person; ever), and begged the nurse to order a blood test STAT. No one ever called me back. Thanks a lot. I appreciate all you do to help keep my infertile anxiety down. It means the world to me.

My husband called this morning and I broke down bawling my eyes out as I finally told him what was going on. Let's just say he is so crap at sympathy that we aren't talking tonight. I knew better than to tell him anything. But I was weak and needed comfort.

Tomorrow morning I plan on marching into Dr. D's office and demanding a prescription to kick start AF. Apparently something I have been doing has halted her regularly-scheduled visit. Believe me when I say I honestly do not think I am pregnant, despite everything. And even if I am, I think the fact the pregnancy tests all came back negative is a bad sign, especially at 16dpo.

To my husband: Yes babe, I am apparently this important to the universe, because it definitely has it in for me. This just proves it even further.

Down the Hole

After this past week, I officially declare war on 2011. Seriously, this year has just gotten off to one great big bad start, and apparently it is going to keep on going that way for me because I keep getting slap after slap after slap. I'm not even talking about just my fertility here either.

I really feel like I have been dropped down a big hole and I keep falling further and further. Just like Alice. I wonder if in the non-Disney version she smacked into walls, tree roots, and other unpleasant things during her descent. I know I sure am. I feel like I am just taking a royal beating. Of course, I could feel really brow beaten right now because AF showed up today. I'm not disappointed I'm not pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be. I'm talking more about the fact that when AF shows, there is a shift in hormones.

Honestly though, I feel like I am in a dark place in my life and I can't shake it. God knows I'm trying. I'm trying everything. But I feel like for every one thing I do to help make myself feel better, I get two sucker punches to the gut. One to put me back in my place for trying, and the second to push me down even further.

Friday at work was definitely right up there with one of the worst days in my career at this company. I wish I could disclose any kind of details, but as my blog is only semi-anonymous, I feel like I can't say a word. And do you know what? That really SUCKS. Because blogging is my therapy, and all of you are my vindication. It has left me thinking about things and wondering how to handle them. It has definitely pushed my fertility woes to the back of my mind. That right there should tell you something.

Remember this picture?



I am wondering when the deuce I am ever going to get out from under this muddy wheel! I thought it was turning, and I was getting out of the mud, but nope. I am probably only a little to the right of that arrow right now.

I am tired. I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of trying. I've gotten to the point where all I want to do is lay around in bed. I don't, but I want to. Some days it is so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I just keep asking myself what do I need to do to change this? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm being ungrateful because heaven knows I feel so blessed to have the wonderful family I do. It isn't even that I want more, its more that I want to be happy, to put all of this mess behind me and move on with my life.

I feel like I am giving up. Like I am throwing in the towel. I just want to be done with all of this stress and pain and discontentment. I know from past experience when life gets like this, something somewhere has to give, and I know exactly what this time. Its time to throw my fertility under the bus. Forget about it. Let it go. It's also time to make some changes around here. I just need to find the energy to do it. I need to find a lasting inspiration somewhere, not the flash in the pan kind I've had lately.

I want to be happy again. I want to be on top of the wheel again. I want to be so happy I am afraid that the other shoe will drop. I want ridiculous amounts of happy energy to shoot out my finger tips.

Why do I write about all of this? Because I have a tendency to forget unpleasant things, which I am learning now can have some negative repercussions. Forgetting pain sets you up to have to go through it again and feeling like its the first time all over again. If we ever do get pregnant and have another baby, I want to be able to put baby making behind me once and for all afterward. I need posts like this to help remind me of just how painful this journey is, to remind me of the true cost. Not just the dollars and cents or the time invested, but the real, true emotional, social, psychological, and physical pain of TTC.

TTC sets my life in a downward spiral until I am discontent with way too much. At that point, so many aspects of my life have been soured to the point I need to move on from them because I can never fix them.

I don't even know what I want anymore outside of trying to get out of this stupid pit.

I'm Working On It

That is a wheel in the mud; just in case you couldn't tell.

This image has been removed because the owner graciously threatened a lawsuit because I downloaded her image from Google images. I'm glad she was so heinously gracious about it.

"The Black-headed Grosbeak image is not "courtesy of Goggle" the image belongs to me and is protected by Copyright laws, laws which you have violated by displaying my image and further violated by altering it without my authorization. Please remove the image or I will contact Google's legal department and file a DMCA through them.

You should be aware that just because an image shows up in a Google image search that it does not mean the image is free to use or that it belongs to Google. Google does not own the images they are just a search engine."

Kind of amazing its been up here for almost 3 years and it just now came up. I guess if we don't want our images used without our permission, we should not post them on the web. Once its out there, we really have zero control over it, do we? That's a risk we take.

But thank you Mia, for bringing this to my attention and being so sweet about it, especially considering the content of the blog and the intention of the use of the photo to state that I was tired of feeling like I was down in the mud while struggling with infertility and wanted to be on top of the world for a change. Obviously I haven't been through much in this life and deserve to receive such a polite and professional comment. I guess I shouldn't expect much from a Utahan. There is a reason I left that state and never looked back--case in point. Loved the scenery, hated the people. Now you can sleep soundly tonight knowing your image has been removed and is no longer defiled, and that  the scathing burn of your email was received, noted, and unnecessary. You should be proud.

That is a bird on top of a wheel; just in case you couldn't tell.

Images courtesy of google with minor editing by me.

A Kick in the Gut

Tonight I am feeling a new kind of numb. Infertility has dealt me yet another low blow. A new kind of low blow.

This morning as I sat in my paper dress waiting for the doctor to come in, I just knew deep down, as I have known for the past week, that I should not get my hopes up. Things just didn't feel right. Dr. D came in, and asked where I was in my cycle. I am 6 days late;18dpo. Then in went the dildo cam. I didn't see anything. Nothing in the way of a gestational sack. "You have a lot of cervical mucus." Thank you. I know. "Your right ovary looks good. So does the left. I don't see any sign of a corpus luteum on either of them. If you are pregnant, it's too early to tell." And then the dildo cam came out.

Dr. D then launched into what we can do next cycle. I should have known. I kept interrupting him to ask if there was any way he could tell by the sono if I was pregnant. It was like he was ignoring me by continuing to give me options for my next cycle. I felt like he was jumping the gun, but as I left his office I realized he was trying to get out of telling me to my face what was (or wasn't) going on.

He ordered an Hcg blood test, and told me the results would be back between 2-4. I put my clothes back on feeling so completely deflated. I didn't have any more answer after my appointment than I had had all week. I got my blood drawn, and walked back out to the car with Hubs. I knew. I just didn't want to admit it. Hubs agreed.

There has only been one other time in my life where I knew the news I wanted wasn't coming my way, so I went home and slept until the dreaded call came. Today was the second time in my life I tried to sleep away my wait. I woke up long before the call and watched TV with Hubs for a bit. Then at 3:30 we went to pick up his truck from the shop and take it to have the tires rotated. While we waited, we went and grabbed some early dinner. Of course while we were eating is when the phone call came.

BIG FAT FREAKING NEGATIVE.

Of course.

Infertility, you win again.

I cried for a bit, but tried to keep it together because we were still eating and still had to go back to get Hubs' truck. Just then he got a call that his truck had been hit in the parking lot of the tire store. So instead of being able to go home and bawl my eyes out, I had to hold it together while we went over to take care of his truck.

I'll spare you the details of the rest of the day, but I can say that this is definitely one of the worst days of my life. The thing that makes it even worse is that had AF shown up last week like she was supposed to, I would have moved on with nary a tear. But no, those dammed estrogen patches had to go and screw me up so bad AF couldn't rear.

I am so angry with my doctor tonight. Why didn't he tell me this could happen?

I am angry with God, as much as I hate to say it. But I am because I know somewhere in this world some woman who shouldn't be allowed to have children just got knocked up. I just know that if my goldfish really tried hard, he could will himself immaculately pregnant. Yet here I am, once again, deep in the trenches of infertility, despite my best efforts to keep from being here again.

I am angry. I am bitter.

I am feeling a level of bitterness completely foreign to me.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and count my blessings. I thank God for the one darling baby I do have. There are definitely benefits to having only one child. And sometimes I am content with leaving things this way. But part of me laments the thought of not providing her with a sibling. I also try to live my life in such a way that I have no regrets. I have lived that way since I was a teenager. So I don't want to look back 20 years from now and regret that I threw in the towel and quit trying. Between those two things, I know I have to soldier on.

Soldiering on is easier said than done though. Especially in moments like this. The numbness that has set in is indescribable. I feel like I am just going to go through the motions from here on out, completely hopeless. Just doing things to be able to look back and say I tried, but keeping myself emotionally distanced from all of it. No hope. No despair. No life.

I just don't feel like this is going to happen for us again. Perhaps that is the part of me that got stung today. But I feel deep down that I am going to go through all of this and having nothing to show for this round except a hormonal wench with a drained pocket book.

Everything that gave me hope the last week was all just a ruse. None of it was a good sign like I thought it potentially was. It was all a lie. How can I ever believe my body now? How can I ever get my hopes up again?

I threw out all of my pregnancy tests tonight because I just can't handle that aspect anymore. I.Just.CAN'T. I won't. This pain is hard enough to handle without them mocking me from my bathroom cabinet. "I bet your goldfish is pregnant, and HE lives alone. Loser!"

Right now, I can't handle any of this. I forgot how brutal this was. I forgot how things like this suffocate all hope and snuff out the tiny light. My light, its out. The wick has been cut below the wax so that it can never burn again.

I know what I have to do, and so I will do it, but I don't have to pretend I have hope. I will buy the sensor for my monitor. I will wear ONE estrogen patch (as opposed to the 2 that halted AF in her tracks this month) starting on CD 8 (who knows when the hell that will be). I will go see Dr. D on CD10 for my probing. I will do the deed on the appropriate days. And then I will wait for the inevitable ride on the cotton pony.

At least I will be able to say I tried.