The Infertility Pendulum

We infertiles are no strangers to what I am aptly naming, "The Infertility Pendulum." Once you are in the game, you will swing a 180 over a course of time, be it 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. We go from, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I get pregnant? Even some fish get pregnant without partners." to, "You know what? Maybe I don't want a baby. Life is so good. I'm not sure I want to mess this up." Then there is the middle ground where, sure, if a baby happened to come along, you would be happy. But, you're also happy with the way things are if a baby doesn't come along.

Here is a diagram I created to illustrate the above.

If you want to know where I have been lately, see the diagram below.

I have been hiding out for the past week sorting through feelings. I was at the far left end of the pendulum. Wondering why my body was so broken. Aching to add another baby to our family. Hurting so much because everyone around me is pregnant. There are five (scratch that; there are seven) pregnant people at work that I know of. I went to the store last week and quit looking at people after seeing the third pregnant woman 10 minutes into my shopping trip.

What tipped my pendulum so wildly so quickly? The realization that I was coming up on 1 year since we were finally able to start TTC after Baby Bean was born. For the last year I have been fighting to get pregnant again. I have done medicated cycles. I've been going to acupuncture since the beginning of the year. I've been going to the chiropractor. I've changed my diet. I've added natural remedies. I've been exercising. I've given up and taken 3 months off charting and didn't pay attention to my cycles at all (aka relaxing). None of it has helped. I'm back where I was 5 years ago with my fertility, and it hurts. This year marker made reality set in hard.

I was aching so much, I knew I had to figure out how to get back to at least the middle ground because I was starting to withdraw from my friends, my family, and even my husband. I was becoming self-defeating. Because I was on the far right side of the pendulum not three months ago, I knew I could make it swing back, it was just a matter of pulling myself up by my knee socks and figuring out how.

I wanted to blog about it, and I realize now I should have. I didn't because I didn't want people IRL knowing how much I was hurting, and feared that they wouldn't understand. But I should have written about it so that they could know how raw and painful these feelings are.

A blog friend of mine, Al, had a blog giveaway last fall, which I won. She sent me a book called Overcoming Your Infertility. For months it has sat in my bedroom, untouched by me (because I hoped I wouldn't need it), but often played with by Baby Bean. Then one night last week, I decided it was time to read it. I frantically looked around the room trying to remember where I had seen it last. I needed relief and comfort. Sadly, the book b**** slapped me before it helped me. It told me that you are defined infertile if you have been trying unsuccessfully for 1 year to get pregnant.

It sucked the air out of my lungs and made me hurt so deeply. Twice now, twice in my life I have officially been labeled infertile. I tried so hard this past year to rid myself of that label, but I can't rid myself of it now. I am medically labeled infertile again.

But I read on because I knew it would get better, and it did. It taught me ways of coping with my stress and worry. It confirmed that the way I was feeling was hindering me. It also confirmed that the way I was feeling was very common for someone who had been trying as long as I have. Now I take into account the first 2+ years it took us to get Baby Bean too because I have already walked this path. Believe me, it hurts just as much the second time around as it does the first. It just hurts in different ways. Anyway you slice it, infertility hurts. But I digress. The book has taught me some wonderful methods for coping, and I have put them to good use this past week. They are the only reason I am back to where I am tonight and not still down in the Pit of Despair.

This morning I went to acupuncture, thinking I would have no problem at all falling asleep during treatment (sleeping is recommended for optimal results). But the second Dr. S closed the door for me to relax, it hit me. I have to do IUIs. I have to go back to doing cycles with an RE because this isn't going to happen on its own.

Now hear me out. There is a reason I came to this conclusion. For the past year, I have little to no CM when I ovulate. It pretty much dries up during my fertile window, and that is how I know when I'm about to ovulate. Dr. D had told me earlier this year that there was nothing you could do to help CM production. He said that people offer up advice for things that could, like evening primrose oil or Ro.bitussen, but that they didn't really work. He said the only way around it was to do an IUI. I wasn't ready to hear that at the time, and opted instead to try those other methods for myself first. I can now tell you first hand that he was right, at least in my case. I have tried everything. I even ordered products that promised to increase my production. They didn't do a thing. I've eaten foods that supposedly help. Nope, didn't work. I've taken EPO in high doses daily for months. Nada. I tried the Ro.bitussen route. Strike 3. I hoped that maybe exercising would help, but no, it has just jacked my cycle up. I'm on CD15 and still spotting. Have been since CD1.

So there I lay, on the table, full of needles, willing the 40 minutes to pass so I could text my husband. I couldn't relax. All I could do was think about my plan. At first I was going to wait until October and do a non-medicated IUI that month and November, but after I got to work I decided there was no need to wait, and I would go in September too. If by December we haven't had success, I am going to ask for a laparoscopy at the beginning of next year to see if we can find a reason this isn't happening, like scar tissue or something.

I texted Hubs when I got to work and told him what I had decided. His response: Ok.

(I didn't draw this, but I did color it. Isn't it lovely?
The words are all my addition too.)

That's my plan. Non-medicated IUIs Sept-Nov, surgery early next year.

One question to the community, has anyone out there ever actually had success with IUIs? I've had one unsuccessful go, and I don't know that I know anyone who has. That is the one dark cloud in my plan, not knowing anyone who has had success. Either way, I am going to give it a go. I am going to see my RE next Tuesday to let him know what I would like to do and see what he says/suggests.

Ahhh to be back in the trenches.... #*$(@#&$(@#^&%#!!!!

She Cracks Me Up

Because I can't seem to log into the blog more than every other week, this is going to have to be another bulleted list post, as once again, there is much to talk about. So let's start with the important things, Baby Bean.

Baby Bean in Bullet Point

• Last week as Hubs and I were in the bathroom getting ready for work I heard what sounded like the lid on Baby Bean's diaper pail slamming shut. I waited for a second and then heard it again. I walked down the hall as Baby Bean emerged from her bedroom, diaper-free and stated, "I took off my diaper. It was wet. I put it in the garbage. I'm going to use my big girl potty now." And so she did! Hubs and I were laughing so hard. Baby Bean has never done anything like that before. Although she has done it a couple of times since.
• We are deep in the throes of potty training. I bought BB princess and Tin.ker Bel.l underwear and told her she couldn't pee in them because none of them liked to be peed on. We've been working on this the last couple of weeks. Usually I will put her in Big Girl Underwear and remind her constantly that if she needs to go potty, to go use her Big Girl Potty. Well, she always tells us she peed after it is too late. But this past weekend instead of going potty, she announced, "I pooped." In her brand new Tink.er Bel.l underwear. I told her it made Tink sad because she didn't like being pooped on. For the rest of the day BB kept telling people she pooped on Tink.er Bel.l. Oh my gosh that kid can make me laugh!
• We took BB to her very first movie in the theater on Saturday. She got to see the new W.innie the P.ooh movie, and she LOVED it. For the most part she sat quietly through the whole movie. I wish I had taken a picture of her walking hand-in-hand with her daddy into the theater as she carried her movie meal (in a box similar to a ha.ppy meal). That image was one of the most precious things I have ever seen.
• BB is growing up so fast and her vocabulary and language comprehension just blows my mind sometimes. She will say the most profound things. Like last week I went to the chiropractor and as we walked in and saw the doctor she said to him, "Mama is here to get adjusted." I have never used the term "adjusted" around her before. I was amazed. Also, a few weeks ago when we left the chiropractor's office there was a man standing outside dancing around in a hamburger suit for the deli next door. BB yelled to him, "Hi! Do you need a hug? Come here!" Again, I about died of laughter. We took her back to eat there that night and she got to give the hamburger a hug.

The Dogs

• Well, its official, both dogs are in the family way! I took Mags to the vet again tonight to check one more time for pups. The vet palpated her and declared he could feel pups. The vet tech and I looked at each other and squealed. Everyone who has come in contact with Mags instantly loves her because she is such a snugly, loveable pooch. The vet tech said she just might want one of Mags pups after meeting my dog. I know she won't take one, but it was cute of her to say that.
• I may have anywhere from 3-7 pups placed already. Two or three are for sure placed, and I am hoping the others will be placed once the puppies are born and everyone sees how cute they are. My plan is to post pictures at work in hopes that people there can't resist. Otherwise, I have a backup plan.
• Anybody want a puppy? :D
  

Me

• The exercise regime is going well. I've gotten in some serious time on the treadmill at work four days last week, and already both days this week. I do my resistance training at home with an exercise ball, and let me tell you, that works those hard to reach lower ab muscles. I love that ball. In addition to working out, I have been doing really well about packing healthy lunches to work. It saves me money and some major calories. Tonight I swore I could see that my face is already looking thinner.
• I realized yesterday that my cycles started to get weird after Hubs and I got married and I became a much less active person. Before we got married I was always out and about and hardly ever home except to sleep. I'm hoping that with hitting the gym at the office 4 days a week and doing resistance training at home it will help with TTC and make my cycles like they used to be. Although I have to say the last two months have been promising. I haven't had "normal" cycles like this for a year. They aren't my single days normal, but at least they aren't all FUBARed like the last 12 months.
• This month marks 1 year since we were able to start TTC again. After this cycle, we will officially have been trying for 12 months. More on that in a later post.
• It is really stinking hot here in Texas and it is driving me insane. We had 9 days over 100 in June (JUNE, people!), and so far have had 14 over 100 this month with the prediction of the rest of the month being in the 100s. We usually don't hit the 100s here until August. I have to say, the heat is hard on morale. I started wearing skirts to work because pants are too hot. Before this summer, I was not a skirt or dress girl. I now own four skirts so I can wear a different skirt each day of the week and have Friday for blue jeans. But honestly, I'm considering finding a casual skirt for Fridays because blue jeans and 100+ temps = HOT AS HELL! Oh yeah, and our AC units (in Texas you have to have one AC unit for each floor of your house) run 16+ hours a day and can't keep our house below 80 during the hottest part of the day. EIGHTY! I am begging for fall already. The weather this year has been brutal with our week-long freeze in back in February and hotter than average summer.

Well, that's it for me. I will definitely be posting again later this week cause I have some stuff I have got to get off my chest. Hope all is well with everyone in the blog world!

Overdue

I realize it has been two weeks since my last post. My how time has flown. There has been so much going on around our house that I didn't realize how much time had gotten away from me. So here are a few updates of our little household.

Dogs
What do you feed two pregnant dogs who refuse to eat?

Answer: Anything they will.

But in all seriousness, I contacted a couple of breeders to ask this same question, and of course have been all over the web researching. Everyone seems to recommend adding chicken and rice to their normal diet. I am now cooking chicken breasts and rice cooked in chicken broth in bulk.

I tried adding canned food. I tried changing their food. The canned food worked for a couple of days, but both dogs turned their noses up at any type of dry dog food. Adding the chicken and rice seems to make them remember they are hungry, and so they end up eating dry food as well.

As for whether or not they are both pregnant, only time will tell. I took them to the vet a week ago and he said they were both exhibiting outward pregnancy symptoms, but would not say they were pregnant because apparently dogs have false pregnancies where they will experience every pregnancy symptom in the book including lactating, swelling bellies, and labor, but then there will be no pups. So he said all he could do was tell me to come back in 3 weeks and he would do x-rays. I think I will pass on that though. I will just wait to see who has pups and how many, since I know their respective estimated due dates.


Baby Bean
Our little family headed up to see my parents for the 4th of July weekend. We took an extra day off work to make it an even longer weekend. While there we spent some time with all of my siblings, which is a feat considering none of us live in the same states right now, and watched an awesome firework show put on and sponsored by my own little brother.

Before heading home, a few of us went to see the newly renovated zoo.

Baby Bean loved the carousel, as always. She rode a seal.
I love this picture because she still looks so much like a baby.

All of the grandkids posed for a picture on this super friendly bronze lion.

All of the dinosaurs around the zoo were pretty awesome.
They were animated and growled.

Baby Bean checking out some monkeys.

Baby Bean and her cousin sharing a double stroller.

And last, but not least, Baby Bean and her new pool. God help me, for I will and do spoil this child. I cannot help myself. The smiles these things puts on her face is worth all the money in the world to me.

A side note: this pool has 13 different sections that needed to be blown up. Each palm tree had two. It took me over an hour to blow it up with an air compressor.


The Project
A few months ago I was watching a cartoon with Baby Bean that gave me the most fantastic idea to create a quilt that I would then sew charms onto for some of the big events in her life. When I got a bonus at work a couple months ago, I used it to start buying supplies such as silver letter beads to spell out her name; numbers for her birthday; charms of a mom, dad, a little girl, and two dogs to signify her family; and so on. The idea is also to buy charms from everywhere we go on vacation or any fun places we go. When we went to Cancun in May, I bought her a dolphin and seashell charms.

It took me a couple of weeks, and an experienced eye can tell it has been a while since I've touched a sewing machine, but tonight I finally finished the quilt!

Baby Bean showing off her new quilt. She LOVES it.

The Family Square.
Dad, Baby Bean, Mom, Maggie, and Sadie.
I left room to add to the square later, if our family is added to.

TTC
I'm still on break from this game. I'm still doing acupuncture. I'm not doing anymore fertility treatments. I haven't been charting for the last two months and don't think I will until after our puppies have all been sold and are gone.

I've been exercising, but am going to start doing even more this week because one of my BFF's and I decided that instead of going out for lunch every day, we are going to brown bag it and hit our office gym. Brown bagging instantly means I eat better.

I also just had the most normal cycle I have had for the first time since last August, which gives me some hope that things are getting back on track. I have decided that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year I am going to request a laparoscopy just to make sure there is no scar tissue preventing anything and to make sure everything else looks good. Until then though, I'm going to stay pretty zen about all of it. I don't miss stressing about every little thing in my cycle, so I am glad to have a reason to not really keep track of it (i.e., pregnant dogs/impending puppies).

That's pretty much it for now. I am way behind on my blog reading again, but will hopefully have some time to catch up a bit this week.