The first time I put my new attitude to the test was during my senior year of high school. I won't get into the details, but will say it had to do with a boy and an unhappy breakup. In my sad moments I pulled out all of the pieces of the relationship that were great along with all of the lessons I learned as well as how all of them helped form me into the person I was becoming.
The next time I was put to the test was during my early infertility treatment days. Sure, I could have become bogged down by each failed cycle. I could have let all of it best me and turn me into a bitter infertile who hated babies and pregnant women, but I refused. I never looked at a pregnant woman and hated her. I never had a hard time looking at a pregnant woman or a baby. I was always happy for her and basked in her blessing, all the while praying one day I would be in her shoes. The last thing I needed as an infertile was to harbor negative feelings outside of failed treatments.
When I got my less than stellar news a week and a half ago about not being able to be back at TTC again any time soon, I took my moment and let my grief run its course. All the while I had an eye toward getting back on my feet, finding the positive in the situation, and trying to find what I was supposed to take away from the experience. Friday was hell. Saturday was hell part 2. By Sunday the sun had started to come out. Over the next few days I slowly picked myself back up. I was grateful for all of my many, many blessings, and learning how to make the best of my situation. By Wednesday, I was back to being me.
What I took away during those few days was how very, very blessed I am. Besides the obvious, being my husband and Baby Bean, I found that God had taken care of me in ways I hadn't realized before that day. He had given me a softer place to land. He knew that day was coming long before I did, so He made sure I was in a place where I could handle the situation. By this I mean:
- I love where we live right now. This place feels like home. Moving here was the best decision we ever made.
- I love my job. I work with the most wonderful, kind, compassionate people who honestly care about each other. The sense of family in this company is astounding.
- I have never in my life had so many best girl friends so close by. My favorite was when they all got to meet each other at Baby Bean's birthday party.
- My blog has helped me reach out to so many wonderful women. I love "meeting" all of you and supporting you on your journey, and I am so happy to share mine with all of you.
During the dark moments after my sonogram, none of these things escaped my notice. And over the next few days I realized how much of a blessing my bad news was. I wasn't truly ready to be back in the game and I knew it. It didn't feel right. I felt like my wait wasn't over even before that day. I had some seriously cold feet. I also realized that my instincts were right. I can still try for more children. God didn't lead me astray. I just have to wait a little longer. And honestly, I kept thinking I just wanted more time focusing 100% on my daughter. I also learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
I have taken the positive out of this situation and used it to help make me a stronger, better person who is educated about the fight ahead.
