Keep It Comin'

Before I get into the meat of this post, I just want to say I am really sorry, but I am soooo behind on my blog reading/commenting. I just can't keep up with everything else that is going on right now. I'm trying, but I follow about 50 blogs between this blog and my other one. Know that I do care, and I'm trying!

So remember how last week I was frustrated beyond all get out with Baby Bean constantly picking up crap from daycare (not with the baby, but with the daycare)? Well, multiply that by 100 times today. Only this time I don't have the energy to be upset. Why? Because I am sick myself now too, and in addition to that, I am seriously run down from all of it coupled with the continual stress. I have been running on autopilot since Friday. 100% autopilot.

I took Baby Bean to her followup appointment this morning and I did not get good news. In fact, I got worse news. Not only is her RSV not any better, but it looks like she will be on breathing treatments for another month or so. I hate breathing treatments! Baby Bean has accepted them as part of her routine along with watching Yo Ga.bba Ga.bba and is usually really good about sitting through them. But the second-hand vapors I get make me sick. They dry up my throat, congest my ears and make them ring, and make me feel icky afterward. I can't imagine what they are doing to her! I was told I was lucky she hadn't been hospitalized last week.

After that bad news, I got more bad news. Her ear infection is not only NOT better, it has spread to the other ear as well. I already knew this though, as she has been digging at them all week. I asked if she would need tubes because she has had constant ear infections. In looking at her charts, her doctor discovered she has had a constant ear infection since early November. He gave me a referral to an ear, nose, and throat doctor and told me not to waste time getting her in because she is in the speech development phase and wasting time could mean speech delays. We're going to the ENT on Thursday now.

Added to all of this, Baby Bean got rotavirus over the weekend. She woke up screaming at 4 am Saturday morning because her pjs will filled from toe to neck with diarrhea. Saturday was spent trying to keep her from blowing out of her diapers, which meant trying to keep her standing as much as possible, since we never knew when things were going to hit.

Today, I am exhausted. Hubs is sick, and I'm sick. I took two naps yesterday and had zero problem falling asleep last night. I did have a hard time waking up this morning, and was so out of it I forgot to give the baby her medicine and grab her nebulizer before we left the house. I feel like total garbage.

There is a silver lining for today though. I sent my PM at work an email letting him know the situation. Within seconds of hitting the "Send" button, he called me into his office. I asked right away if I was in trouble. He laughed and told me no. He then told me he understood what I was going through and to not worry about anything. He could tell I was frazzled, and he wanted to let me know he was here for me. I almost cried. I've said it a million times before and I'll say it again, I love working for that man.

So that is where my life stands - sick and stressed, wishing I had maxed my flex spending account.

It WILL get better. It WILL!

P.S. I follow 42 blogs on this blog alone and 18 on my other! Phew! Either I'm crazy or all of you are fantastic women. I'm going with the latter.

Unbelievably Angry

Last week when I took Baby Bean back to daycare after our two week vacation, she was in perfect health (finally). Upon entering the infant room, I was greeted by a very snot covered nosed boy. I looked at him, smiled, and thought to myself, "I bet you $50 Baby Bean has his cold by Wednesday." Sure enough, Wednesday evening my daughter's nose began to run. As the days went on, she developed a cough to go with it. Nothing abnormal. I tried to nip it all in the bud by giving her some prescription decongestants she received last time she was sick. I also didn't want her ear infections coming back. By Sunday night, she was not only coughing a lot, she was wheezing when she breathed. I told Hubs I had to take her to the doctor first thing in the morning.

This morning I got to work and the first thing to greet me was the blue screen of death... twice. The IT guy came over to swipe my computer for the morning to reimage the hard drive. While he was doing so, I called and made an appointment with the pediatrician for my daughter. By 9:20, I had a borrowed laptop in hand, knowing full well I wouldn't be back in for the rest of the day, and headed to pick up Baby Bean.

When I got to the daycare, her teacher looked surprised to see me. I told her I was taking my baby. She asked if I was taking her to the doctor, and I told her I was. She made a comment about her cough and wheezing, and then told me that a couple of the kids had been diagnosed with bronchitis the week before. I was steamed. She then told me that the parents of those children brought their kids in every day and waited for them to get sick enough to run a fever before taking them out of daycare and to the doctor. I was even more steamed. She said she was glad I was being responsible and taking my daughter before she got to the point. I told her I wasn't an idiot and knew my baby needed to go to the doctor before she hit the fever stage.

We got to the doctor's office on time and sat in the exam room for half an hour past our appointment time before we were seen. Shortly after the doctor came in and checked out Baby Bean, she said she was almost positive the baby has RSV.

I can't even tell you the amount of rage that was welling up inside me at that moment. I was so incredibly, unbelievably ANGRY!!!

The doctor ordered an instant RSV test and a breathing treatment. Let me tell you, if you have never done a breathing treatment with a child before, it is horrendous. Not because the treatment is bad, but because the child hates it. The whole time I was holding the mask over my baby's face she was screaming bloody murder and kicking like crazy. I rested my head on hers and cried.

The RSV test came back positive, and Baby Bean's wheeziness only cleared up a little bit, so the doctor began telling me about the prescriptions and treatments ahead. The whole time I was seething with the irresponsible parents from daycare. She told me I would have to buy a nebulizer to give Baby Bean breathing treatments at home with two different prescriptions. The first one two times a day, and the second one four times a day, then I have to give her an oral medication to help keep the inflammation and mucus in her lungs down. On top of that, Baby Bean has another ear infection, so she got antibiotics.

By the time we were done there, it was an hour and a half past Baby Bean's nap time, so I took her home and let her rest while I called the daycare to tell them the news. First I had called Hubs who told me not to bother calling them so that the other parents could learn their children were sick the hard way. I told him that just because they were @-holes didn't mean I was one too. When I did call, they were shocked. But before I let them hang up the phone, I asked the girl to please tell the other parents of sick children that I did not appreciate them bringing their kids to school when they were sick because it was their fault my child was now this sick. I let her know I was very angry, not at the daycare, but at the parents.

Now before you tell me that I was one of those parents today, I am going to say that I took my daughter in this morning because she got sick from there. And I honestly told Hubs this morning that I hoped Baby Bean had a different variation from what the snot-nosed little boy had so she could give it back to him. I've been ticked off about it since last week. Not only that, but the damage is done. The germs are there and have been spread.

After lunch, Baby Bean and I went to the store to get her prescriptions filled. I knew the nebulizer was going to run me around $80. I figured I would be lucky to get out of there under $200. We turned in our prescriptions and waited. And waited. And waited. When they were finally ready, the girl at the pharmacy told me I was in for sticker shock.

$525!!! I kid you not!

She then told me if my doctor allowed it, I could get a generic on the one prescription that cost $300 all by itself. I told her to call and we'd wait. So we waited. And waited. And waited. Baby Bean was an hour past nap time, and she messed her diaper. Things were awesome.

Finally they got the authorization for the generic and it dropped my bill down to $200. We spent freaking 3 hours waiting for those prescriptions. So on top of the cost and the anger already inside me, I had wasted an entire day at the doctor's office and pharmacy. Rest assured, however, that I was kind to everyone. No one knew I was seething on the inside except my husband and parents.

Tonight I want to go knock some parent's heads together. Because in addition to the fact that my child has a potentially life-threatening virus and now has a predisposition to asthma later in her childhood, and the fact that I lost an entire day from work coupled with the major hit to my wallet, we also get to pay for a week's worth of daycare when my child won't even be there thanks to the irresponsibility of stupid, selfish parents. I want to beat this week's tuition out of them. I really can't remember the last time I was this angry. Today cost me well over a grand when all is said and done. Yes, folks, I am seethingly mad.

Every time I hear my child cough in the next room while she sleeps, I get mad. Every time she wakes up screaming bloody murder during the night because she is having a hard time breathing, I want to beat a parent from the daycare. I really freaking hate daycare.

Now, if you actually made it to the end of this tirade, I would like to thank you very sincerely for braving the ride. I will reward you with love and comments on your blogs (which I am now way behind on). :D

Deucedly Mad

This past Friday was the last day of school in our area. On my way to work, I drive through 5-6 school zones. Depending on whether or not I am late to work, I hit six. Friday morning, I was running late. My hair wasn't cooperating. My car was completely out of gas and had to be filled up before I could go to work. I had promised my coworkers the day before that I would bring donuts Friday morning. I dashed out the door and sped down the street, slowing down appropriately for each school zone and thinking I was so glad school would be out Monday, cutting a few minutes off my drive to work. As I reached the third school zone, the lights weren't flashing. I figured they were off because it was a high school school zone and maybe they didn't activate it that day because they figured the kids wouldn't be going to school on the last day. I reached the intersection, turned on my left signal, and pulled into the left-hand turn lane. The light changed, and I went through the light, accelerating at my normal speed. Off to the right I noticed a cop car, so I checked my speed. 30. I was fine. It wasn't a school zone, and the speed limit is 40. A few seconds later, I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror as the cop pulled in behind me. I looked down at my speed. 46 in a 40. Okay, he's got me. I was speeding.

I pulled off the street onto a side road while I sent my husband a text, "Guess who just got pulled over? lol" The cop came up to my window and asked if I knew why I was being pulled over. I politely admitted I had been speeding, hoping that he might take my politeness and either let me off or at least knock down the number he supposedly clocked me at. He informed me he clocked me going 31 in a school zone. EXCUSE ME?!?!?! I was completely shocked. Floored. Pissed off. I told him the lights were NOT flashing, and therefore the school zone was not in effect. I NEVER speed in school zones because the tickets for doing so are massive (at least they were in the state I just moved from). He returned to his car and a few minutes later came back and told me he was issuing me a citation for speeding in a school zone. I was pissed beyond pissed as I fought back my angry tears. On top of which, I might as well have not been polite, as the cop issued me a ticket for the full 31. I wished as I pulled away that I had been down right snotty, belligerent, as my politeness had gotten me no where, unlike the last time I got pulled over for doing 11 over and had the ticket knocked down to 5 over.

Here's my thing: if I had been speeding, absolutely give me a ticket. I earned it. I deserve it. I broke the law. But this time, I was NOT speeding. The school zone was NOT in effect. The lights were NOT flashing. The price of my supposed speeding: $200. Sorry Baby Bean, you getting to be the first baby potty trained at the tender age of 4 months, mommy can't afford your diapers this month. The new shoes I've been needing because my feet have been killing me lately? Not going to happen this month.

Fight the ticket you say? I would, but how the hell do I prove the lights weren't flashing when they otherwise would have been? I can't. Hubs told me to only take it to court if I'm willing to get a lawyer, and then if I lose, I get to pay the court costs, the lawyer fee, the ticket, and I get the hit to my driving record. So what do I get to do? Bend it over and take it up the a** like a big girl. Yeah, two days later and I'm still pissed. I will be for a very long time.

Did I mention my car registration is due along with my inspections? Freaking Texas.

Let us not forget that since moving closer to the equator, the sun has dissolved the clear coat on my car, making it look like it has some serious eczema that not even a powerful prescription could cure. I want to get a new car, but with the oil companies being such greedy b*****s (pick your word choice there), I REFUSE to buy another gas-dependant car. I was thinking about it for a while, like getting a cross over with more space or a bigger car, but then I read a few articles about how gas prices are going to go up, and I decided the gas companies can stick their oil where the sun don't shine. That's it you morons, raise the gas prices in a seriously deflated, depressed economy. THAT will get people to drive more. Especially when it comes down to buying gas for your car or buying food to eat. It won't make people like me hold off their next car purchase until cars that don't rely so heavily on gas come out next year. Me thinks someone has lost their ability to think clearly due to excessive amounts of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere.

There's nothing like a little shake down to ruin your sunny day.

The weekend was not lost, however. Hubs and I tackled a couple small home improvement projects together that will make a nice difference to our house, and I lost another 2 lbs. The latter is very exciting. I can totally see the weight coming off, which makes me very happy. I have plenty of resolution to keep going still too, especially now that I am seeing results.

Well, that's it for me. I'm off to find something tasty to eat.

Brain Fry and New Best Friend

Anyone who has either ever moved to a completely new state and a completely new job or experienced finals week at college with 16+ credits (yes, I wanted to be done with college bad enough that I never took less than 16 credits a semester) will understand exactly what I am going through right now. I am experiencing that total, complete brain fry that comes along with such stressful, brain cramming circumstances to the point that I can't remember menial things from one day to the next. I can remember the major things that happen, such as getting up and going to work, but I can't remember the details, such as the people I met on any given day or their names. The worst one so far is that I apparently gave my phone number to my new best friend at work and totally don't remember it... at all.

I've been trying to tell myself, and everyone else for that matter, that it is just because the past two months have been high stress, and I am trying to figure out a situation that is completely new. I'm in a new job, in a new city, in a new state, in temporary housing, and trying to buy a new house. Somehow, I can't help but feel like I'm not only a little bit nuts, but also trying to make excuses for my lack of short-term memory. It actually kind of scares me a bit, even though I know its completely normal and I'm not making excuses.

Friday afternoon I realized how much short-term information I was not retaining while trying to learn a new computer program at work. In a moment of panic and despair, I sought out my new best friend. I just want to say, I sure did pick a wonderful woman to be my new best friend. She told me exactly what I had already been thinking about my lack of memory retention, but put it in such a way that made me feel so much better about it. She also reminded me that all of my comfort items (such as my furniture, pictures, etc.,) are all in storage, so I have precious few of my personal items in my possession right now to comfort me. All I have with me from home is what I could fit in my little car when we moved here four weeks ago, which is not very much at all. She reminded me that my situation right now is extremely high stress, and that what I'm experiencing is completely normal. How does she know so well what I'm going through? She went through the same thing herself not too long ago. She even has the same car as me, so we both know how precious little space we both had to pack belongings into. She has only been here a short amount of time longer than me, and only started working at our office a week before me.

The more I get to know my new friend, the more it becomes obvious we were meant to be best friends. We have almost the world in common. We lived and grew up in the same state, went to the same university, frequented the same buildings at the university, lived in the same places after college, frequented the same places, drive the same car, love the same books, the list just goes on and on. I feel so extremely blessed to know such a wonderful woman and to be able to call her my new best friend. Our friendship is only going to grow and grow the more we get to know each other and are here to support each other through this high stress time in our lives. We have both recently stated we need haircuts, I think I foresee a Girl's Day Out in the near future. :D

YAY! BOO!

The fabulous news about today is that we closed on our house this morning! We are now officially the owners of our first home that does not share walls with any other house. I was asked many times today if I was nervous or sick about signing on the house, which seemed like an odd question to me until I reflected on why people would be asking me that question. I guess for some people such a large purchase would be cause for such feelings of trepidation and fear. Me? I was totally excited and couldn't get the keys to the house fast enough!

We stopped by the house this morning to do our final inspection and walk-through before heading off to our closing, and I have to say I really feel bad for the woman who owned the house before us. That house was spic and span! I told Hubs I am sure she was there all night cleaning up, and I was right. She told me at our closing that she had been there until 3:00 a.m. We stopped by the house again after the signing and started to take a look at what projects we wanted to tackle right off besides the painting and new flooring. It was then that the amount of work we needed to put in really came to light. Its a bit more than we thought. I admit, some of it is because I am just that picky; I am going to go through and replace every single light switch, plug, and plate cover that is not white. That one is going to hurt. Some of it isn't that I am so much picky, as neither of us feels that we can live with certain things the way they are, such as the horrible baseboards that we didn't notice we so horrible until tonight. We also noticed for the first time that all of the cabinetry in the house leaves a lot to be desired. I know what you're all thinking: How did we not notice all of this before? Well, I'm not sure, other than to say that we must not have really been paying close enough attention. Oh well, its our house now, so all we can do is either live with it, or cough up the cash to change it. I'm sure it will be the latter.

The bad news we received today came in waves. The first wave was when the guy who was supposed to come in this weekend and paint called and cancelled because a storm blew through last night that took off part of the roof on his house. We feel bad for him, but it sure did leave us in a lurch, since ALL of our move-in plans were timed based on getting our house painted. We can't put in our hardwood floors until the walls are painted. We don't want to move in furniture until the hardwood floors are in. This news really took away from Hubs' ability to be excited and happy after closing. It didn't put as much of a damper on mine because I knew he would get it figured out within the hour, and he did. Instead of our house being painted on Saturday and Sunday, its now going to be painted tomorrow and Saturday. Sweet!

The second wave of bad news hit while I was ordering my lunch. I had planned to fly home this weekend to surprise my family who are all in town this weekend at my parent's house. (This was the surprise I alluded to in a blog I wrote earlier this week.) All of us kids are in different time zones now, so being able to get us all together is a big deal. No one knew I was going home except for my little brother, who was going to pick me up from the airport. But somehow I've known for the last two days that I wasn't going to get to go home. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I got a call from the airline this afternoon telling me that my flight had been cancelled. My only other flight options at that point were not good, so I had to opt for a refund. I called my family and told them about what had happened, and they are all just as bummed as I am. Yeah, I cried. I guess I will just take the money from my plane ticket and put it into the house now. My weekend will now be occupied replacing plugs, light switches, door knobs, and whatever else I want to change that I can afford right now.

To my family: I really did try to come home this weekend. Believe me, I am totally bummed about it; however, I am sure you will all still have a fabulous time regardless.

To Dudela: Enjoy your party. I'm sorry I can't be there. I guess I will just have to send you a nice presie instead. Congratulations on your big day. I love you toady!

Every IFer's Favorite Thing

Today I really need to vent my one annoyance with being an infertility patient: birth announcements from estranged friends who know you are undergoing infertility.

I have no problem at all being happy for pregnant women. I have no problem at all being happy for women who have recently found out they are pregnant. I actually delight in sharing their joy, and I actually love hearing all about their pregnancies (yes, this includes you, dear Mrs. La La!). The whole science behind pregnancy fascinates me, and I just love to think about little babies forming inside their mothers. I live vicariously through pregnant women. One of my favorite shows of all time is "In the Womb" on Discovery. It doesn't bother me at all that I might never experience being pregnant, it still fascinates me.

The annoyance I am talking about has happened to me twice in the last month. The first friend is the spouse of an old college buddy of mine, whise friendship I have always cherished. When I met his wife for the first time, I was delighted he had met and married such a wonderful woman. She is an absolute joy with a bubbly, very outgoing, and contagious personality. She loves to laugh and is just cute as all get out. However, I have not heard anything from her or her husband for probably close to a year now. I have sent them both numerous emails during this time and have received ZERO response from either of them. I sent them an email at Christmas and another one when we moved to Texas a few weeks ago even. I heard nothing. Because they never seemed to respond to my emails anymore, I figured that the friendship had come to an end, as they sometimes do. I had chosen to leave it on the positive note where people just lose touch. Life happens.

They knew that we were going through infertility treatments, and as is their way, liked to joke about it with us. Then, the other day, out of the blue, I get a message from them saying that they are expecting a baby girl. The email did not say anything else beyond, "We just thought we would let you know, we're expecting a baby girl." The end. No "How are you doing?" No "Congrats on the job and move." Just a completely selfish, "We're pregnant."

Wow. Thanks. Ummm, can you say, "RUDE!"? If you are not going to bother to contact me or reply to my emails for months on end PRIOR to your pregnancy announcement, please do not expect me to share in your joy when you all of a sudden drop in my lap that you are pregnant. If the news had come from an acquaintance it would have been a different story, but I expect better from people I consider long-time friends. I just wanted to write back and say, "Yeah, cool. Up yours too."

The thing that really cheeses me is that this is the second time it has happened in a month! Exact same situation twice! The only thing that made the first occurrence worse was that that friend was one of the ones who freaked out when I told her I was undergoing infertility treatments, so she immediately booked an appointment with a specialist when she didn't get pregnant after three months of trying. Of course, she called me when she booked the appointment so I could give her support, but I didn't. I knew she was just freaking out for no reason, and that she would be pregnant before the appointment time came. I knew that was what she wanted to hear too. I was right. I still emailed her twice after talking to her when she booked her appointment and received ZERO response. Then one day, out of the blue, she called me to tell me she was pregnant.

Excuse me? You did NOT just call me out of the blue to tell me you were pregnant after completely ignoring my emails over the last few months! I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her thoughtless, inconsiderate butt.

My instinct is to not talk to these people anymore because their thoughtless and inconsiderate behaviour is just not acceptable in my opinion, and my sweetie agrees. If they had bothered to reply to my emails or even made any kind of contact over the past few months, then it would be a different story. I would totally be willing to and love to share in their joy. But as it is, I am rather jaded that the only time they feel they need to talk to me is to tell me that they are pregnant when they know full well we have been having problems, and after they ignored my preivous emails. Both of them have been friends of mine for 10 and 12 years, respectively. Both of them should have been smart enough to be more considerate. That being said, I think I am going to have to go with my instinct on this one. I am sure they will think I have chosen to cut off any further correspondence because I am a bitter IF patient, but in reality, it is their thoughtless behavior. I have chosen to allow them to think whatever they want, rather than tell them why I choose not to continue the friendships, at the risk of saying mean things. I would much rather end the friendships on a better note (though a positive one is not possible under the circumstances).

I'm not hurt that they are pregnant, I am hurt that the only time they attempt to contact me is to tell me that they are pregnant and completely ignored my previous attempts to contact and stay in touch with them.

Do any of you have any thoughts or feelings on this situation? Am I being unfair or expecting too much? I honestly want to know. I realize that sometimes when I get upset, I don't think rationally or fairly, so I want to know if any of you think this is one of those situations.