Baby Bean's Pictures

Since my husband is out of town tonight, I have some free time to blog. :D I figured this would be a good time to show you all some of the pictures Baby Bean took, as well as some pictures of the puppies.

This first one is Baby Bean right after I set up the dog pen the week before the puppies were born.

She thought it was a little play area for her, and I had a dickens of a time keeping her out of there. She would go in and take her blankies, her toys, and any other thing she fancied at the time.

Here she is with Sadie when Sadie was still big and pregnant. I realize she doesn't look big, but it is because all of her puppies were in her ribs, and believe me, her rib area got huge.

Hubs took this picture for me the other day. Bolt is on the left, and Molly is on the right. Other than the fact that I don't like my hair, I love this picture. Really love it.

Baby Bean took this picture of me holding Bolt. I told you my kid has talent! The other thing I love about this picture is Bolt was just starting to open his eyes. I didn't think it was possible, but the puppies actually got even cuter when their eyes opened.

I took these next two of Baby Bean with the pups.

Baby Bean and Bolt at 1.5 weeks old.

Baby Bean and Molly at 1.5 weeks old.

Baby Bean took this next one. I love puppy breath, and when I figured out the pups would lick my nose thinking it was a teat, I couldn't resist letting them think so while I smelled their sweet puppy breath.

Molly licking my nose.

And finally, Baby Bean took this last one of Sadie, Maggie, and I.

Mags was being camera shy. Again, hate my hair, but Baby Bean did a great job of centering her subjects. Can you believe she is only 2.5? (I've lost like 4lbs since this picture was taken too!)

In other, non-picture news, Mags has turned out to be an excellent little mama. It turns out she had a nasty bacterial infection that was making her miserable. The vet put her on three different antibiotics and special dog food for a week. It took a couple of days, but I noticed one day when I came home that she looked better, she was acting much happier, she was eating, AND she looked like she was really enjoying her babies. I guess even dogs have a hard time when they don't feel well.

The only thing that is driving me nuts is Maggie's desire to dig has gone into extreme overdrive. She has dug up my potted ficus no less than a dozen times no matter what I do. I barricaded the plant. I put chicken wire down between the outside and inside pots, and she somehow managed to pull it up and dig. I put the chicken wire back and surrounded the inner perimeter with rolled up chicken wire packed in tightly, and she got through that. She got up on my good couch today and "dug" the cushions, which now have claw marks all over them. Then I have a corner near her pen where I keep spare blankets and printer supplies. She keeps digging everything out of that corner. GAH! I read that some dogs do this, and that it eventually goes away. Please God, let it go away before she destroys my house trying to dig up everything.

The puppies are doing great. They are the most adorable, fat little things. Now that their eyes are open they are starting to try to walk. They will stand up on their front legs and look around at their world, which is one of the most adorable things ever. Maggie is such a good little mama to them too. One of my favorite things is to walk through the room and see her nursing her pups and cleaning them. I am really excited for when they become mobile little puff balls. Baby Bean is going to have a blast!

Sadie is doing well too. I looked at her c-section scar today and it is healing really well. Has anyone else noticed that dogs don't scar? They don't have belly buttons either. It was so weird when Bolt and Molly were first born and they had belly buttons like humans for a couple of days. Those suckers are long gone now though. But we were talking about Sadie. When she first lost her litter and she and I were depressed, my husband said that it was a blessing that dogs do not have as high of a mental capacity as humans because they can be easily distracted from heartache by a ball. I knew she would recover long before I would, but that is because I know I will always be sad about losing those puppies. In fact, I bought myself a Pan.dora necklac.e along with two puppy beads, two beads with six August birthstones, and a heart with puppy paw prints in remembrance of the six pups we lost. I've gotten so many compliments on that necklace.

Oh, I bet you all might want a cycle update too huh? I went to see Dr. D on Thursday and left there thinking I like it better when I don't give a crap about whether or not I get pregnant. I just don't have the energy I once did to care about these things anymore. I have Baby Bean, and most days that is enough.

I had multiple follicles, but only one at a good size, 15.7mm. The one I had on the right two days before had shrunk back. I had about 3-4 big follies, but Dr. D didn't think they were big enough to even bother measuring. When I left I asked if he thought I would get more than one egg. He said maybe. I told him I wasn't going to keep doing this crap to myself if I didn't get more than one follicle. I can do that on my own every month. Oh yeah, and the chlomid made my lining inadequate too. No surprise there. I knew that would be the case because that is what happened when I was on it all those years ago.

I'm going to keep cycling through the end of the year because that was my plan. But I have to say, my heart just isn't in it. I'm doing it now just to go through the motions so that I can say I did. Honestly, I am to the point where I want to put it all behind me and move on with my life, and this isn't a fleeting or an angry thing. This is me realizing I just don't care about playing this game anymore. I love Baby Bean to bits, and that is enough for me. I honestly don't know if I want any more kids. It's weird, but I am happy with where my life is right now.

Right now, life is going pretty well, and its only going to get better. Why do I think that? Because it has to. After this year, I can only go up. (I hope. Cause this year was a BEAT DOWN!)

Life is Screaming By

I just cannot keep up on blogging lately to save my life. Time is just going by so quickly. It's like the Texas summer heat is melting time away. It seems like more often than not lately I am doing bulleted posts. In all honesty, I feel like I am blogging just to journal recent events more than anything. So here goes the latest gossip in my world.

Dogs

• Maggie's puppies are doing great. They are fat little pups and growing like weeds. I swear they are growing so fast you can almost see it. Tonight I noticed that Bolt is starting to open his eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if they are open by tomorrow night. That is a very exciting first step to becoming a super adorable puppy and being less slug-like, as my husband likes to say. One of my all-time favorite things is puppy breath. I learned the other day that if I hold the pups up to my nose, they will lick my nose and I get to smell that sweet puppy breath. BB took a picture of Molly licking my nose tonight.
  
• I don't think Maggie digs this whole mama gig. If she doesn't have to be with her puppies, she's not. She's in the box long enough to feed them, obviously, and then she's outta there. She will go hours between checking in on them. Up until today, she has seemed really depressed about the whole thing. Tonight I saw the light back in her eyes since the pups were born. I'm not sure at this point if I will breed her again or not. If she doesn't enjoy being a mom at all, breeding her again wouldn't be right. Maybe she will enjoy the pups more once they aren't just little leaches.
  
• Sadie is doing really well. She isn't quite 100% yet, but she's getting there. Its a real bitch knowing her hurt. I often wonder why my dog was plagued by this heartache too. It is so unheard of in the BC world to lose an entire litter, so why did it happen to MY dog? The bitter part of me can answer that question.
  
• I have learned that breeding is a very messy business. Did you know that dogs bleed for weeks after they deliver their babies? I wish I had known that before I had to wash my couch cushion covers and bedspread. Its no big deal though. I have a whole arsenal of cleaning supplies and I know how to get stuff out. I have also learned a lot about what you should have on hand when whelping. I've started a Breeding Box for next time so that I have everything I could possibly need on hand.
  

Baby Bean

• Baby Bean is doing great too. She loves the puppies. We have took a couple pictures of us with the puppies tonight. I will have to post them up later.
  
• BB is doing really well in school. Her teacher says she is potty training like a pro. She has also adjusted to the new school and sometimes asks if she can go on the weekends. She is such a bright little girl. The things that come out of her mouth astound me because they seem too profound for a 2.5-year-old. She cracks me up. On Sunday we had to take Mags to the vet because she had the runs really bad. While we were checking out, Maggie pooped (read Her.shey squirted) all over the floor. BB told the guy in line behind us that Maggie pooped on the floor because she didn't feel good. Oh man, sometimes it takes all I have to keep from laughing.
  
• BB also loves to take pictures with the camera. Her dad and I gave her an old digital camera so she could take all the pictures she wants. She actually does a pretty good job. What can I say? My kid's got talent!
  
• BB can totally hold her end of a conversation. She talks so well for her age and she strings sentences together with no problem. Additionally, she is a very polite little girl. She knows how and when to use please, thank you, and no thank you. She is such a sweet little thing.
  

Chelle Belle

• Well, I'm on chlomid. I went in for a follie check on Tuesday and Dr. D said it is working. I had one follie at a 14 and a bunch of others developing. I am going in for another check in the morning, so we'll see how things are going to pan out this month. He put me on 50mg and I wonder if that is going to be enough, considering I was on 100mg back in 2006-07. But again, I guess we will see tomorrow. This whole business with the dogs has pretty taken my mind off stressing about TTC. I feel like I'm just going through the motions without the emotions this month and I am perfectly okay with that.
  
• Working out is going great too. J and I are on our 7th week, and I am definitely seeing a difference. My legs are hard as rocks. There isn't an ounce of fat on them anymore! I know I will probably never get rid of my pooch as long as I'm doing medicated cycles, so I don't feel bad if that area doesn't show as much improvement. I am seeing the fat reduction everywhere else though, and it feels so good. I want to lose another 9 lbs still. That would put me back at my pre-infertility weight, and that would feel AWESOME.
• These days I just feel like I've been run ragged. There isn't enough time in the day to do all the things I need to do, let alone the things I WANT to do. I'm exhausted a lot of the time, and lately I come home from work and fall asleep because I am just so tired. I wish so much that I had more energy and could do and be more. Some nights I push myself a little bit harder to really play with Baby Bean. Not just watch cartoons with her, but run around with her. Although snuggling and watching cartoons is one of our favorite things. My baby is a snuggler and so are her daddy and I.

I guess that's it for me. I can't think of anything else to say at the moment. Besides which, it's bedtime. Another day gone in the blink of an eye. I hope everyone out there is doing well. I think of you all often and pray for you just as much.

She Cracks Me Up

Because I can't seem to log into the blog more than every other week, this is going to have to be another bulleted list post, as once again, there is much to talk about. So let's start with the important things, Baby Bean.

Baby Bean in Bullet Point

• Last week as Hubs and I were in the bathroom getting ready for work I heard what sounded like the lid on Baby Bean's diaper pail slamming shut. I waited for a second and then heard it again. I walked down the hall as Baby Bean emerged from her bedroom, diaper-free and stated, "I took off my diaper. It was wet. I put it in the garbage. I'm going to use my big girl potty now." And so she did! Hubs and I were laughing so hard. Baby Bean has never done anything like that before. Although she has done it a couple of times since.
• We are deep in the throes of potty training. I bought BB princess and Tin.ker Bel.l underwear and told her she couldn't pee in them because none of them liked to be peed on. We've been working on this the last couple of weeks. Usually I will put her in Big Girl Underwear and remind her constantly that if she needs to go potty, to go use her Big Girl Potty. Well, she always tells us she peed after it is too late. But this past weekend instead of going potty, she announced, "I pooped." In her brand new Tink.er Bel.l underwear. I told her it made Tink sad because she didn't like being pooped on. For the rest of the day BB kept telling people she pooped on Tink.er Bel.l. Oh my gosh that kid can make me laugh!
• We took BB to her very first movie in the theater on Saturday. She got to see the new W.innie the P.ooh movie, and she LOVED it. For the most part she sat quietly through the whole movie. I wish I had taken a picture of her walking hand-in-hand with her daddy into the theater as she carried her movie meal (in a box similar to a ha.ppy meal). That image was one of the most precious things I have ever seen.
• BB is growing up so fast and her vocabulary and language comprehension just blows my mind sometimes. She will say the most profound things. Like last week I went to the chiropractor and as we walked in and saw the doctor she said to him, "Mama is here to get adjusted." I have never used the term "adjusted" around her before. I was amazed. Also, a few weeks ago when we left the chiropractor's office there was a man standing outside dancing around in a hamburger suit for the deli next door. BB yelled to him, "Hi! Do you need a hug? Come here!" Again, I about died of laughter. We took her back to eat there that night and she got to give the hamburger a hug.

The Dogs

• Well, its official, both dogs are in the family way! I took Mags to the vet again tonight to check one more time for pups. The vet palpated her and declared he could feel pups. The vet tech and I looked at each other and squealed. Everyone who has come in contact with Mags instantly loves her because she is such a snugly, loveable pooch. The vet tech said she just might want one of Mags pups after meeting my dog. I know she won't take one, but it was cute of her to say that.
• I may have anywhere from 3-7 pups placed already. Two or three are for sure placed, and I am hoping the others will be placed once the puppies are born and everyone sees how cute they are. My plan is to post pictures at work in hopes that people there can't resist. Otherwise, I have a backup plan.
• Anybody want a puppy? :D
  

Me

• The exercise regime is going well. I've gotten in some serious time on the treadmill at work four days last week, and already both days this week. I do my resistance training at home with an exercise ball, and let me tell you, that works those hard to reach lower ab muscles. I love that ball. In addition to working out, I have been doing really well about packing healthy lunches to work. It saves me money and some major calories. Tonight I swore I could see that my face is already looking thinner.
• I realized yesterday that my cycles started to get weird after Hubs and I got married and I became a much less active person. Before we got married I was always out and about and hardly ever home except to sleep. I'm hoping that with hitting the gym at the office 4 days a week and doing resistance training at home it will help with TTC and make my cycles like they used to be. Although I have to say the last two months have been promising. I haven't had "normal" cycles like this for a year. They aren't my single days normal, but at least they aren't all FUBARed like the last 12 months.
• This month marks 1 year since we were able to start TTC again. After this cycle, we will officially have been trying for 12 months. More on that in a later post.
• It is really stinking hot here in Texas and it is driving me insane. We had 9 days over 100 in June (JUNE, people!), and so far have had 14 over 100 this month with the prediction of the rest of the month being in the 100s. We usually don't hit the 100s here until August. I have to say, the heat is hard on morale. I started wearing skirts to work because pants are too hot. Before this summer, I was not a skirt or dress girl. I now own four skirts so I can wear a different skirt each day of the week and have Friday for blue jeans. But honestly, I'm considering finding a casual skirt for Fridays because blue jeans and 100+ temps = HOT AS HELL! Oh yeah, and our AC units (in Texas you have to have one AC unit for each floor of your house) run 16+ hours a day and can't keep our house below 80 during the hottest part of the day. EIGHTY! I am begging for fall already. The weather this year has been brutal with our week-long freeze in back in February and hotter than average summer.

Well, that's it for me. I will definitely be posting again later this week cause I have some stuff I have got to get off my chest. Hope all is well with everyone in the blog world!

Overdue

I realize it has been two weeks since my last post. My how time has flown. There has been so much going on around our house that I didn't realize how much time had gotten away from me. So here are a few updates of our little household.

Dogs
What do you feed two pregnant dogs who refuse to eat?

Answer: Anything they will.

But in all seriousness, I contacted a couple of breeders to ask this same question, and of course have been all over the web researching. Everyone seems to recommend adding chicken and rice to their normal diet. I am now cooking chicken breasts and rice cooked in chicken broth in bulk.

I tried adding canned food. I tried changing their food. The canned food worked for a couple of days, but both dogs turned their noses up at any type of dry dog food. Adding the chicken and rice seems to make them remember they are hungry, and so they end up eating dry food as well.

As for whether or not they are both pregnant, only time will tell. I took them to the vet a week ago and he said they were both exhibiting outward pregnancy symptoms, but would not say they were pregnant because apparently dogs have false pregnancies where they will experience every pregnancy symptom in the book including lactating, swelling bellies, and labor, but then there will be no pups. So he said all he could do was tell me to come back in 3 weeks and he would do x-rays. I think I will pass on that though. I will just wait to see who has pups and how many, since I know their respective estimated due dates.


Baby Bean
Our little family headed up to see my parents for the 4th of July weekend. We took an extra day off work to make it an even longer weekend. While there we spent some time with all of my siblings, which is a feat considering none of us live in the same states right now, and watched an awesome firework show put on and sponsored by my own little brother.

Before heading home, a few of us went to see the newly renovated zoo.

Baby Bean loved the carousel, as always. She rode a seal.
I love this picture because she still looks so much like a baby.

All of the grandkids posed for a picture on this super friendly bronze lion.

All of the dinosaurs around the zoo were pretty awesome.
They were animated and growled.

Baby Bean checking out some monkeys.

Baby Bean and her cousin sharing a double stroller.

And last, but not least, Baby Bean and her new pool. God help me, for I will and do spoil this child. I cannot help myself. The smiles these things puts on her face is worth all the money in the world to me.

A side note: this pool has 13 different sections that needed to be blown up. Each palm tree had two. It took me over an hour to blow it up with an air compressor.


The Project
A few months ago I was watching a cartoon with Baby Bean that gave me the most fantastic idea to create a quilt that I would then sew charms onto for some of the big events in her life. When I got a bonus at work a couple months ago, I used it to start buying supplies such as silver letter beads to spell out her name; numbers for her birthday; charms of a mom, dad, a little girl, and two dogs to signify her family; and so on. The idea is also to buy charms from everywhere we go on vacation or any fun places we go. When we went to Cancun in May, I bought her a dolphin and seashell charms.

It took me a couple of weeks, and an experienced eye can tell it has been a while since I've touched a sewing machine, but tonight I finally finished the quilt!

Baby Bean showing off her new quilt. She LOVES it.

The Family Square.
Dad, Baby Bean, Mom, Maggie, and Sadie.
I left room to add to the square later, if our family is added to.

TTC
I'm still on break from this game. I'm still doing acupuncture. I'm not doing anymore fertility treatments. I haven't been charting for the last two months and don't think I will until after our puppies have all been sold and are gone.

I've been exercising, but am going to start doing even more this week because one of my BFF's and I decided that instead of going out for lunch every day, we are going to brown bag it and hit our office gym. Brown bagging instantly means I eat better.

I also just had the most normal cycle I have had for the first time since last August, which gives me some hope that things are getting back on track. I have decided that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year I am going to request a laparoscopy just to make sure there is no scar tissue preventing anything and to make sure everything else looks good. Until then though, I'm going to stay pretty zen about all of it. I don't miss stressing about every little thing in my cycle, so I am glad to have a reason to not really keep track of it (i.e., pregnant dogs/impending puppies).

That's pretty much it for now. I am way behind on my blog reading again, but will hopefully have some time to catch up a bit this week.

Terrible Horrible Two's

Have you ever heard someone with a young child ask what happened to their sweet little angel baby? If not, let me be the first. "What happened to my sweet little angel baby?!" Whoever said the twos are terrible was spot on. When Baby Bean was born, and all during the first two years of her life I thought maybe I would be one of those lucky parents who escaped the Terrible Twos. But on second thought, have you ever heard of parents who did?

Baby Bean is definitely a patience tester lately. Grade A, Class 1. She is The Girl Who Cried Wolf so often, we never know when to take her seriously.

Thankfully when she throws a tantrum, they are more of the silent sort, or the crying sort. We don't have any where she throws herself on the floor while screaming and crying while pounding her fists, and we don't have the kind where she does "the limp noodle" in our arms. But we have the kind where she says, "No!" and stomps her foot. When she cries, she cries like it is the end of the world, and it takes very little to make that happen. For instance, if she is playing in my desk and gets a hold of something that I have to promptly take away for safety reasons, she cries like I just spanked her.

When she doesn't get her way, such as having candy for dinner, she cries.

When the dog licks her, she cries. Yes, for real.

When I don't let her take the hose and run around the back yard with it, she cries.

She also cries and claims that everything hurts so that when she really does get hurt, her dad and I have a tendency to blow her off. It makes me feel bad when I discover that she really IS hurt.

Some nights, it feels like everything makes her cry. It drives her daddy and me insane!

As if that wasn't enough, she is in that stage where she blatantly disobeys to see how much she can get away with. Even worse, she already lies. My sweet little baby tells bald face lies.

I just want to know what happened to my sweet little baby who was full of smiles and sunshine. The one who wanted nothing more than to make mom and dad happy.

But on the other side of this is a child who can make me laugh like no one else can. She says the most hilarious things that catch me off guard and undo my irritation with her in a split second. Her giggles are the best medicine in the world. I have never heard anything in my life that warms my heart the way Baby Bean does when she full out laughs. It is amazing.

Want to have a horrible day at work undone? Baby Bean can do that by grabbing your face and saying, "Mama, you're my best friend," or randomly saying, "I love you mama." She can relax the most frayed nerves by snuggling up with you to watch one of her many Di.sney movies. There is nothing like those big blue eyes and sweet little face. One of my favorite things (and her dad's least favorite) is eating fruit snacks together. I love it when she grabs two packs of fruit snacks and hands one to me, all on her own.

Admittedly, 2 is not my favorite age. I am definitely looking forward to her growing out of this phase. I heard that girls make you pay for it at this age, or pay for it when they are teenagers. I pray that that is right. I would rather take my beating now and have an easy teenager any day.

The bottom line is I love my child. More than the air I breathe. More than anything in this world. She is my everything. She is the reason I exist. She is brighter than the sunshine to me, and brings me more cheer than any rainbow. She's my baby, and I thank God every single day of her life that she is in mine.

Not Cool, Daddy. Not Cool.

Hubs and I knew that there would be an adjustment period when Baby Bean starting going to her new daycare, but I thought she would transition a bit better than she has this past week.

Tuesday evening when I went to pick up Baby Bean the gal who helped us get BB enrolled was standing right inside the door as I walked in. We smiled and said hello, and then she asked if I had talked to my husband yet. When I told her I had not, she told me about how when he had walked in holding BB to drop her off that morning the floor was wet, and my husband slipped and fell. When Hubs got home that night, he also told me about it.

Wednesday evening when I went to pick up Baby Bean, the gal asked me again if I had talked to my husband yet that day. I told her I had not, and she then told me that he had shut his finger in his truck door that morning. When Hubs got home he told me the whole story.

The past couple days BB has been really melancholy on the way to daycare. Hubs asked her what was wrong, and both days he asked she replied, "I miss mama." Then once they got to the school, BB started to throw screaming and crying fits because she didn't want to be left in this new school where she doesn't know anyone or anything. I don't blame her. I have a hard enough time transitioning in new jobs, and I'm not 2 years old.

So Wednesday morning, BB started crying the second Hubs turned off the truck. To keep from having to deal with the fit for long, he tried to hurry and get her out of the truck. In his rush, he did not get his finger clear of the door before it closed. He then jerked it free and tore off a giant chunk of skin. Needless to say, he was no longer in the mood to coddle BB. He took her into her class, sat her on a chair, and walked right out, telling her goodbye as he walked away to get ice for his poor finger.

Last night Hubs told me that it was my turn to drop BB off at daycare, and that I should be the one to do it for the rest of the week because: 1) the way his luck has been going he is afraid he will die next time he drops her off; 2) she is all sad in the morning because she misses me; and 3) he wanted to see if she handled it better when I dropped her off. I told him I would drop her off Thursday morning, but couldn't Friday morning because I have acupuncture in the exact opposite direction.

This morning as I drove BB to school, I made sure to keep talking to her to make sure she wasn't going to get upset. She did great until we turned down the street to her daycare, and then she started whining and saying she didn't want to go to school. I kept talking to her and telling her she would get used to it, and it was okay to not like it at first. Again, she did great until I opened the door to her classroom, and then all crying, screaming hell broke loose.

Every time I tried to tell her goodbye, she would cry louder and harder. She would grab onto me and try to jump up into my arms. I felt HORRIBLE! I wanted to cry with her. I felt so bad that she was so upset. Her teacher told me that she had been doing this all week, and that she expects BB would do it for another week or so before she gets comfortable enough there. She said usually when Hubs leaves, BB goes over to a couch in the corner and sits there for a few minutes until she calms down, and then when she is ready, she will come over and play with the other kids.

I finally managed to get out of the classroom, and stopped to watch my daughter on the monitors in the lobby. Sure enough, BB was sitting on the couch, quiet and sad. It broke my heart.

I got to work half an hour late and texted my husband to tell him not to ask me to do that again, and that dropping her off was HIS job. I just couldn't handle feeling so bad about taking my daughter to daycare.

Not cool, daddy. Not cool!

All of Her Latest Firsts

Even though my daughter has already been on this planet outside of "the package" for over two years, she has experienced a lot of firsts these past few weeks. It is so much fun to look and her and think about how she has never done these things before. I remember when she was first born, I was so excited about the fact that everything was new to her. That I would get to teach her about everything and watch her experience it all for the first time.

Baby Bean has been on planes many times already, but our trip to Cancun a couple of weeks ago was her first vacation. It was also her first time going outside of the U.S. Her first time on a beach. Her first time seeing the ocean and playing in it. Her first time building a sand castle, or even playing in the sand. I loved that vacation even more because so much of it was brand spanking new to her.

Then last weekend I got the bug to go buy her a tricycle. Her first bike. She loves the thing, and I love watching her figure out how to push the pedals. Even more, I loved watching my husband, her daddy, teach her how to ride it.

As if that wasn't enough firsts, I decided one night over the weekend that it was time to paint her toe nails. Within minutes she had pretty toe nails the same color as mama's. Every day since then whenever I change her diaper or get her dressed for the day, she asks if her pretty toe nails are still there. Yes, baby, they are, and they are so pretty.

Monday was also her first day in her new Montessori school. For those of you who don't know what that is, Montessori is a different method of teaching children. Everything they learn is hands on instead of out of a book. Instead of seeing 1+1=2 in a book, they have something like blocks, and they can see and feel that one block + one block = two blocks. The children learn quicker and easier and test higher than when taught through traditional means.

Every day her daycare sends home a sheet that tells us what she learned that day, as well as what she ate, what time her diaper was changed, etc. My favorite part of reading through what she learned yesterday was, "I learned Mandarin Chinese." That's right, my daughter is being taught Chinese! Not only that, she is being taught Spanish as well. She also has time devoted to music classes where she learns from a teacher who was trained at Juliard. She will leave that school being tri-lingual.

I know this all sounds hoity-toity, but anyone who knew me when I was pregnant and ever asked, "What do you want most for your baby?" knows that my answer was always, "I want her to be smarter than me." And I'm no dummy. After leaving this school, my daughter will be smarter than me. I can't tell you how much I love this daycare and how it will help her all throughout her life.

The best comment I have had so far was when I went to pick her up after her first day. Her teacher asked if my daughter had transferred from another Montessori school. When I replied that she had been going to traditional daycare, the teacher was surprised. She said my daughter was so well-behaved and learned new things very quickly. She went on to give me examples. I was beaming on the inside. I told the teacher that was why we changed schools, because we wanted to give our daughter every advantage when it came to learning. Her dad and I are so happy and excited about her potential in the new school. In fact, when I picked her up today, her teacher told me Baby Bean was using the potty regularly, and she wants to start full on potty training her in a few weeks, once Baby Bean is settled in the new environment a little more.

As I have said before, I am so happy with my life right now and the way everything is going. I know I am so blessed, and I don't take any of it for granted.

My most favorite moment this week: tonight when I was snuggled up next to Baby Bean in her toddler bed she looked at me and said, "Mom, you're my best friend." Oh.My.Gosh! I melted. Puddle of mom on the bed, melted. I could not possibly love my child more.

Gallivanting

Hello friends! I am happy to say I am back! And believe you me, I have much to tell. However, I won't do it all in one post (or even two). I will tell you soon why I had to take a break away from the blog for a bit for reasons other than that I have been gallivanting the American continent. First on business, then on pleasure.

Remember how last month I said I was going to take the month off cycling, and then decided to cycle at the last minute? Well I couldn't tell you this then, but now that the vacation is behind us I can tell you the reason for doing a medicated cycle was not for a shot at conception, but rather my feeble attempt at getting AF out of the way before my little family of three went on our first ever family vacation to wonderful Cancun Mexico. (I kind of won and lost on the cycle battle. AF didn't show, but more on that later.)

I realized as I was putting the slide show below together that I am a modern version of the annoying person who invites all of their friends over to watch slides of their vacations, but the difference is, if you don't want to see adorable pictures of my daughter swimming with Ramon the Dolphin or sweetly posing on ancient Mayan ruins, you don't have to. (It will only suck away 4 minutes of your life if you choose to watch.) I knew the grandparents, my siblings, and some of my IRL friends wanted to see these pictures though, so here they are. Enjoy, and I'll write again very soon. Promise!

You Can Like the Life Your Living

You know, I think I am finally back at a good place in my life. At least, I'm getting there for the first time since last February when my world was rocked with the possibility of not being able to have any more children. Since we were able to start TTC again in August, I have come full swing with trying to have another baby ruling my existence to honestly not caring if I don't have another one because I thank God every morning I am greeted by the most precious, sweet, little face I have ever seen.

If I had even a penny for each time I have thanked God for my Baby Bean just over the last week alone, I wouldn't need to work anymore. This whole TTC thing and my false positive pregnancy test have thrown things back into perspective, and I have to say, I am grateful. So incredibly grateful. Sometimes I just need that reminder to not take what I have for granted.

This right here is what my world revolves around.

I look at that face, hear that sweet little voice and see that precious smile, and nothing else matters. The most beautiful thing I have ever heard in my life is, "I love you mama."

Since last week, I have been a lot more cognizant of the quality and quantity of time I spend with my daughter. I have been making even more of every moment. As I have said before, I don't want my struggle with infertility to rob her, and I am working so hard to ensure that never happens. Every night before she goes to bed, we sit in the rocking chair in her room and read a bed time story. I even do the voices because that is what makes a good story great. Once I say, "The End" she climbs down from my lap and clambers into bed. One night last week she patted the bed next to her and said, "C'mon mama." Now I know cribs turned toddler bed are not meant to hold the weight of an adult, but in this case, I am willing to take my chances. I curled up into bed next to my baby, and we sat there, staring into each other's eyes, smiling. Baby Bean then handed me her Peter Rabbit and instructed me on how to hold him while I suck my thumb just like she does. Since that night, I climb into bed next to her every night, and we talk while I hold Peter and she holds her puppy, and we smile, look up at the stars on her ceiling, and talk about her day. It is the best part of my day.

Over the weekend, Hubs and I took Baby Bean to a Renaissance fair, along with one of my BFFs and her two nephews. As is the tradition, we all dressed up. To tickle the grandparents pink, here are a buttload of pictures from the day.

Riding the lama. Lama, lama, lama...

Running around with dad and petting Mother Goose.

My little princess

One tired sweat pea (after 7 hours at the faire)

And for everyone else's viewing pleasure, some pictures of me and the best friend I always dreamed of having:

She became buxom and I became... a fat dude? And the Sheriff? He LOVED my bestie.

And this picture makes me laugh my butt off. Seriously.

What the crap?! What are my dogs doing? ROFLMAO!

And one last picture of Baby Bean helping set up The Hick Pool.

Friends, I am so content with life right now. I am glad it didn't take me any longer than it did to get back to this place. My only regret is that it took this long, and that I still feel sad sometimes that things don't always go the way I would like. But then I remember just how great my life really is, and the things I want and don't have just aren't important anymore. I mean, does it get any better than having your 2-year-old sass you by saying "I just don't care" when you tell her why you don't want her to do something? (ROFL!)

Before I sign off, I have to share a story everyone seems to love to hear. I have to document it for posterity. About a month ago I was at C.VS with BB getting a prescription filled. I had her in one of those carts that has a little car on the front. We were going down a small isle where a worker was restocking a shelf. BB honked the car horn and said, "Move it stupid people!" The guy turned to me and said, "Someone has road rage." I replied, "Yeah, I hoped you didn't hear that." We both sat there and laughed. Ahhh my little monkey. Thank God for my sweet blessing and the joy she brings into my life.

UNCLE!

I give! I totally give! I am soooo done with this TTC crap! I am officially removing myself from the ranks of TTC and taking a break for at least a month, if not two.

Just in case you couldn't tell, the results are in: negative.

"Your period is late. We don't know why. I'll have Dr. D call you tomorrow. He will probably put you on prometrium to start your period."

Whatever. I'm done.

Pregnancy tests, OPKs, supplements... all in the trash tonight.

Yes, I had that moment where I was numb. I didn't even cry when the nurse told me I wasn't pregnant. I believe my response was, "Yeah, I kinda figured." She called right after I left Dr. Acupuncture's office, and right after I found that my stereo and satellite radio are now fritzed. I was driving home while trying to pry the removable face plate off my stereo to see if I could reset it. It is amazing how quickly I went from numb to sheer anger.

I got home and Hubs and Baby Bean were out in the back yard watering our new trees that are in shock from a 4-day hard freeze last month. I got straight on the phone to B.est B.uy so I could give their stereo installation department a piece of my mind, but I sat on hold for over half an hour before I angrily got in my car and went over and gave three guys a piece of my mind in person. I'm not proud. However, it did help me get some of my anger out. *chuckle* When I left, I felt much better, and was starting to cool down a bit.

By the time I got back home, I had decided I was tossing all of my supplements because I have no idea which one of them is messing with my body, and I was taking the next month off. (It turns out, I might not have a choice, as my business trip could end up coinciding nicely with my fertile window.) I tossed all of my remaining pregnancy tests because apparently I can't trust them anymore either. I'm not going to use my monitor this month. I am not going to watch my caffeine intake or what I eat. I'm not going to think about BDing on the right days. I am just going to live my life and forget about all of this crap for a bit.

You know what helped me come to this decision? Take a look at this:

What toll are my mood swings having on her? What is she picking up subconsciously from what I'm going through? How much of my frustration have I taken out on her unintentionally? She doesn't deserve to have that kind of drama in her sweet little life. She loves her mom so much, and some days I can't believe she loves me as much as she does because sometimes I don't feel like I'm a good mother.

I know I have said it before, and I will say it again because I mean it. If she is the only child I ever have, I can be okay with that. I am just so happy and so blessed that I have her, and I know that. Believe me, I do. I thank God for her every second of every day. She is the most important thing in my life.

Would I love to make her a big sister? Absolutely. But if she never is, one day she will know that I tried so hard to give her a sibling.

She is my pride and joy. My world. My sweetness and light.

I am taking time off to be with her. Really BE with her. Focus on HER. Focus on being HER MOTHER. Because there is nothing else in my world that matters more than her.

Game Over

Today I went back to see my RE. He wanted to make sure I didn't have any cysts developing this month, and the good news is I am all clear. He asked where I was in my cycle. 11dpo. I then told him it was already game over. AF isn't due until Saturday, but I started spotting yesterday. He then told me not to give up hope yet because he had a woman in there earlier this week who thought the same thing, and apparently she is pregnant. I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Don't try to give me false hope Dr. D. I've been at this game way too long to get my hopes up. It's Game Over."

He then told me that maybe I just need to back off for a while.

Whoa, wait a second, isn't this my RE?! Holy shnickies! I can't even tell you how much my respect for this man increased in that moment. I always felt in my heart he was in this business because he was passionate about helping couples become families, but you just never know when there are so many crooks out there. So him telling me maybe I needed to just give things a break for a bit further cemented my already glowing opinion of him. He really isn't in this for the money. He honestly loves what he does.

I laughed when he said that and told him I had been thinking the same thing, and I have. I am way too much in this game right now, and I need to back off. I then told him the only reason I was afraid to back off is because of the lining issue. It is apparent that isn't going to thicken without some help. I then told him I had started going to an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. I wish I could describe the smile on his face as he told me he was glad to hear it. He said he is all for acupuncture and tells all of his IVF patients to do it because he has personally seen it increase their success rates. He then told me he is considering going to school to learn acupuncture because he knows how beneficial it can be when it comes to TTC. He thinks it will definitely help with building the endometrium.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire and respect this man. Seriously.

At the end of the appointment he told me to come in on CD6 if my period shows (apparently he isn't as convinced as I am that AF is already here) and to hold off on the estrogen patches until after he sees me so that we can determine if the acupuncture is already helping. He is going to monitor me for the next couple of months and have me schedule my acupuncture appointments around certain events in my cycle, such as ovulation, because he knows it will help increase our chances.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I'm telling ya!

I can also attest to the fact that the acupuncture has already helped me stress less about all of this stuff. When I started spotting yesterday I thought, "Oh well. I really don't care. We'll try again next month." Holy crap!

Before I sign off for the night, I just had to share these pictures with everyone. Baby Bean and I went and got our birthday pictures taken a couple weekends ago, and they came in yesterday. The colors on the computer just cannot do them justice compared to the printed copies. The colors IRL are so vibrant and crisp. It was the third time I have used this photographer, and I just love him. He does such an awesome job. But let his work speak for his talents!

Too Fast

This past week has been tumultuous and emotionally difficult, but not for the reasons you would think. I'll just sum it all up by saying I have had enough of puke, poop, and piddle not being in their appropriate places in my house. The puke belonged to my daughter, and the other two belonged to each of the respective dogs.

Hubs and I had been talking recently about when it was time to move Baby Bean into a toddler bed. I loved the idea of keeping her in her crib until she was able to climb out on her own, which is how my parents did it with all of their kids. But Hubs didn't like the idea of BB trying to scale the crib and falling on her head. I also liked the idea of keeping her in her crib as long as possible because I cannot bear the thought of my baby growing up!

This is one of those situations like a pregnancy test with me. Sometimes I have to just close my eyes and get it over with. So Saturday night, we converted BB's bed to a toddler bed.

I can't even begin to tell you how it wrenched my heart! The only other time I have cried so far about changing the bed is when we moved it down a setting for the first time. Once the bed was converted and BB was jumping on it, I cried. Great, big crocodile tears.

It seems like I tried forever to bring this little girl into my world, and she is growing up in the blink of an eye. Can't time just slow down a little bit? Does she really have to grow up so fast?

Getting into the Big Girl bed for the first time.

This smile broke the camera.

As if that weren't enough, I kid you not, right after that bed was set up, she took off her diaper and said she needed to go potty. So she ran down to the bathroom and waited for me to hoist her onto the toilet seat. This was the first time she had even hinted at wanting to use the toilet. I couldn't believe it. This is all seriously going way too fast.

That night after she went to bed, I ran to the store to buy her a step stool to get up into her bed, and a potty training potty. The next morning when she told me she needed to go potty, I took her upstairs and let her help me set up her new potty. I sat her on it, but of course nothing came out. Tonight, however, after I got her undressed to get in the bath, she said she needed to go potty. So I took her in, sat her down, and asked her if she was going to go potty. She said yes, and the next thing I know, she was actually going potty! I couldn't believe it! She went again after her bath.

BB's new potty.
(No, I did not take a picture of her next to her "accomplishment" like some TV stars do. This was just before she used it.)

THEN, as if all of that wasn't hard enough, my sister was finally able to bring her baby home from the NICU last week (which is awesome and exciting news and not the part that is hard), so I had to pull all of BB's clothes down from the attic to send to her. Of course everything needed to be sorted, washed, and then folded. So I had to come face to face with newborn and 3 month clothes that I thought were going to be up in the attic until I was happily pregnant. It tore my heart into a million tiny pieces as I folded the clean clothes and remembered BB wearing them. I wanted to cry and asked my husband if he thought we would ever have another one. He says he does. I think we will too. I just wish I knew when. And in a post for later this week I will explain to you all why I have no hope for this cycle. None. (I had a weird appt with my RE last Thursday; I go back on Tuesday, so stay tuned).

As usual, I don't want to leave my post on a down note, so I will provide you with some much requested gerbil footage. I tried to take pictures, but it is really difficult to get these little guys on camera yet. They are still pretty skittish and shy, and I don't think a flash would help ease them into their new home, so I took some video instead. (At about the minute and a half mark, you can hear them talking.) Enjoy!

Shut In

Over the last couple of days most of the country has been blanketed by a freezing storm, and where we live has been no exception. It showed up here late Monday night and blew all through Tuesday morning. Knowing how bad it was all night long, we didn't even bother to try to get up for work the next morning. Even our heater decided to try to take the day off. We knew there would be no work on Tuesday, but we didn't realize there would be no leaving the house for the next few days because it simply has not gotten warm enough here to melt the ice off the roads, which is probably easily .5" thick or more and covers up to probably 85-90% of all road surfaces.

Of course, with Wednesday being Baby Bean's birthday, we didn't mind another day at home. I got up that morning as soon as she did, and rushed in to tell my sweet baby girl happy birthday. She gave me the biggest smile. She knew what day it was. I got her all dressed in her new, special birthday outfit (not to be confused with her birthday suit). We then headed downstairs and the fun began. All day long I would let her open a present here and there, right up until about an hour before bedtime. Of course, I let her stay up a bit late too. Her digs included a new white oak table (I didn't realize it didn't come with chairs [they have since been ordered and are on their way]), new clothes from grandma and grandpa, a savings account from the other grandma, new pots and pans for her kitchen, a hamster in a ball (not live), le.gos (from daddy), a magnetic toy where you pair the back halves of animals to the front, and some bathtub crayons.

We tried to brave the roads to take her out to dinner, but we had to stop at the grocery store first to pick up her birthday cake that I was supposed to pick up the night before. While we were there, we decided it would be best to buy food just in case we had to stay home again Thursday and Friday (staying home Thursday is looking most likely). BB LOVED her D.ora cake. We also let her pick out a gigantic mylar balloon, because I have been promising her one for her birthday for weeks.

After leaving the store, we decided we were done playing ice hockey with ourselves in the car and headed home instead of to dinner. We did order a pizza though, and were sure to give the delivery guy a decent tip. (Hey, we wouldn't have made him go out if we hadn't been followed home by a P.apa J.ohns delivery guy! Obviously he was out making deliveries, and we tipped well.)

Today was a great day spent at home, trying to keep warm, while basking in the love of and for our daughter on her special day. It has been so very sweet with only a tiny hint of heart ache at the thought of not being able to celebrate birthdays for siblings. I keep praying though, and we'll keep trying (btw, AF reared today). I am just so grateful we were blessed with Baby Bean and able to celebrate her arrival into our lives.

Here are a few photos from today. Just a heads up, my daughter is definitely her father's, as she runs away or hides from the camera. It is almost impossible to get a good picture of her, and when you do, it is pure luck! Enjoy!

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Bean!

Two years ago today was by far one of the most wonderful, happiest days of my life. The day I had dreamed of since I was a little girl myself. The day that was so hard won after years pain and sorrow. It was the day you came into my life. The day I realized the reason for my existence. The day I made the man I love most in this world a father. Nothing in this world can ever compare to that day.

This past year has been amazing beyond words as I watched you learn how to walk and then run. I watched your understanding of the English language and vocabulary grow by leaps and bounds. I saw the world through your wondering eyes as I taught you the names of everything around you. I have watched you grow in your love for everything in this world.

Every day it seems impossible to be able to love you more, yet I do, every day. I still look at you, afraid to close my eyes for even a second for fear that your being here has all been nothing more than a glorious dream. It has, but it is a real, live dream.

I thank God for you every moment of every day.

Sometimes I fear that my love for you will be too much. I hope that one day you will understand why and how I love you the way that I do.

At times I might not always be the best mother, but always know that I am giving it my everything. I am always striving to do my best for and by you, and I always will. I promise to get down and play with you every day of your childhood so that you can look back years from now and smile at the time we spent together while you were growing up. I promise to always be silly and crazy with you. You can always count on that.

I never wanted to grow up, and having you around brings out the child in me. I love doing for you all of the things I wish I had been able to do when I was a child, living out all of my childhood dreams with you. Not through you, but with you. There is nothing I love more than making you happy.

I love your little laugh. I love to make you laugh. I love to make you smile. I love to snuggle with you. I love to have conversations to you, even if I don't always understand exactly what you are saying. I love all of your adorable little mannerisms. I love the way you always say please, thank you, you're welcome, and bless you. I love your little squeals of excitement. I love the way you learn to comprehend what I tell you better and better every day. I love how excited you get over eating a piece of cheese or smarties or getting a pack of Sc.ooby Snacks. I love the way you turn my head to look at you when you're talking to me if I'm not looking at you. I love the way you shout "Mama!" and run to me when I pick you up from daycare. Above all, I love your sweet kisses and hugs.

I want you to know too, that I love you so much I want for you one of the best things I think I could ever give you, and that is a sibling. I grew up with siblings, and there is a joy like no other that only a brother or sister can give you. I hope and pray that one day I am able to provide you with this blessing. Ever since the day my baby brother came into the world, I have told him that he was my favorite gift from my mom and dad and from God. I hope that one day you will know that joy and love.

Baby girl, there has not been one day or one second since I found out I was pregnant with you almost three years ago that I thought you weren't worth everything I went through to get you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I am glad I never gave up, and that I never let the battle best me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the best thing your daddy ever gave me.

If I could give you just one thing from me, it would be for you to be able to look back on your childhood and say that you had the best mama ever. That you could remember all of the fun things we did together. That I was always here for you, and that I never left you when you needed me.

I look forward to watching you learn and grow even more in the next year. I look forward to making memories to last a lifetime.

I love you more than the sun and moon and all the stars in the sky. I love you more than the air that I breathe.

Happy birthday, sweet baby girl.

Plans

Can you believe that Baby Bean's second birthday is next week already? Where has the time gone? *sniff* It really does go by in the blink of an eye. I find that I am really making an effort to spend as much good quality time as I can with her lately because she is just growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a minute of it.

Tonight I decided I will host a birthday party for her at daycare next week. It will be Dor.a themed, as she LOVES Dor.a. I kind of feel like a bad mom because I am just over a week away from her birthday and just now realizing it. Last year I had birthday party plans in place by November. This means I will spend the rest of this week and this weekend scrambling to get it all put together.

I plan to provide pizza, chips, drinks, and cupcakes for the kids, along with party bags. I seriously need to get my act together ASAP. The only problem is, I am down with either a really nasty cold or the flu. Not sure which. All I know is I can't remember the last time I was this sick. Anything that touches my skin is irritating, and you know when you dread shaving or putting on deodorant because it is going to be uncomfortable, you are definitely under the weather. Yep, I am one ill woman.

Illness aside, I am totally looking forward to this weekend when we will introduce two new members to our family. Growing up I always wanted a hamster, gerbil, or a mouse. My mother wouldn't hear of it. She loathes rodents and is not a big animal fan, but I am a HUGE animal lover. All animals.

A few months ago Baby Bean and I were looking around the pet store while we were shopping for dog things, and I fell in love with the idea again, but put it to the back of my mind, promising if I still wanted one down the road, I would consider it further. As the months went on, I found I still really wanted one. I loved the idea of holding and petting them along with the enjoyment BB would get out of watching them play in their cage, but even more, the squeals of delight I know that will be accompanied by a gerbil rolling around our house in a ball. I can't get enough of that mental picture!

Last Saturday BB and I went to pick up chewies for the dogs and took our usual detour of pet store, checking out all of the other animals. It was at this time that I got serious about adding a new member to our family. I priced out items to see how much it would cost. I grabbed information on hamsters and gerbils so we could decide which would be the best fit for us, and then went home to research it more.

I have decided a gerbil is the best fit for us.


They are friendlier than hamsters, less likely to startle, rarely bite, are active at all hours of the day (as opposed to nocturnal hamsters), and poop much less than hamsters and only in one area of the cage. Not only that, but they only live 3-5 years, so it isn't a large time investment if we decide we don't like it as much as we thought we would, so we can just stick it out. However, I don't think that is going to be a problem. Especially considering I used to steal the live mice from my cat when she brought them home and tried to keep them as pets. (Bet you didn't know that, did you mom? ;) .)

Hubs' only contingency is that he not smell them. It sounds like with gerbils, that won't be a problem. That man seriously loves me.

The only catch is gerbils do better in pairs. They have been shown to have shortened life spans when the live alone. They like to eat with buddies, sleep with buddies, and play with buddies. Who doesn't? So BB will get one for her birthday, and I will get one for mine! (My birthday is 9 days after BB's.)

Now comes the naming dilemma. I kind of like the name Mordecai for mine, and BB seems to like Jabberwalkie for hers. Yes, she actually wants to name it Jabberwalkie. I was also trying to think of famous male couple names, as our gerbils will both be male, like Frodo and Sam, Merry and Pipin, Turner and Hooch. Does anyone out there have any other great ideas?

I really am excited to bring our new little guys home, but even more to watch BB interact with them. I hope this move is as wonderful as I think it will be.