UNCLE!

I give! I totally give! I am soooo done with this TTC crap! I am officially removing myself from the ranks of TTC and taking a break for at least a month, if not two.

Just in case you couldn't tell, the results are in: negative.

"Your period is late. We don't know why. I'll have Dr. D call you tomorrow. He will probably put you on prometrium to start your period."

Whatever. I'm done.

Pregnancy tests, OPKs, supplements... all in the trash tonight.

Yes, I had that moment where I was numb. I didn't even cry when the nurse told me I wasn't pregnant. I believe my response was, "Yeah, I kinda figured." She called right after I left Dr. Acupuncture's office, and right after I found that my stereo and satellite radio are now fritzed. I was driving home while trying to pry the removable face plate off my stereo to see if I could reset it. It is amazing how quickly I went from numb to sheer anger.

I got home and Hubs and Baby Bean were out in the back yard watering our new trees that are in shock from a 4-day hard freeze last month. I got straight on the phone to B.est B.uy so I could give their stereo installation department a piece of my mind, but I sat on hold for over half an hour before I angrily got in my car and went over and gave three guys a piece of my mind in person. I'm not proud. However, it did help me get some of my anger out. *chuckle* When I left, I felt much better, and was starting to cool down a bit.

By the time I got back home, I had decided I was tossing all of my supplements because I have no idea which one of them is messing with my body, and I was taking the next month off. (It turns out, I might not have a choice, as my business trip could end up coinciding nicely with my fertile window.) I tossed all of my remaining pregnancy tests because apparently I can't trust them anymore either. I'm not going to use my monitor this month. I am not going to watch my caffeine intake or what I eat. I'm not going to think about BDing on the right days. I am just going to live my life and forget about all of this crap for a bit.

You know what helped me come to this decision? Take a look at this:

What toll are my mood swings having on her? What is she picking up subconsciously from what I'm going through? How much of my frustration have I taken out on her unintentionally? She doesn't deserve to have that kind of drama in her sweet little life. She loves her mom so much, and some days I can't believe she loves me as much as she does because sometimes I don't feel like I'm a good mother.

I know I have said it before, and I will say it again because I mean it. If she is the only child I ever have, I can be okay with that. I am just so happy and so blessed that I have her, and I know that. Believe me, I do. I thank God for her every second of every day. She is the most important thing in my life.

Would I love to make her a big sister? Absolutely. But if she never is, one day she will know that I tried so hard to give her a sibling.

She is my pride and joy. My world. My sweetness and light.

I am taking time off to be with her. Really BE with her. Focus on HER. Focus on being HER MOTHER. Because there is nothing else in my world that matters more than her.