Here is a short little video for grandma, grandpa, auntie, and the two uncles, as well as any friends who wish to view it.
Much love!
A Very Good Book
12 hours ago
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Dilemma
I went back to my doctor yesterday to follow up with her on my post partum depression. She was really happy to see me smiling when she walked through the door and loved it when I told her I was doing awesome and had fought the blues with everything I had to keep from needing outside help in combating them. I was glad she saw that despite the fact that I started to cry while we were talking because being in her office and seeing her brings up so many emotions from my inner infertile. I admitted that it was going to be hard not seeing her every week from here on out.
Here I digress. Hubs and I want at least one more child, if not two. But we're not sure if that will be possible after hearing that any pregnancies from here on out will be high risk, IF we're able to get pregnant again at all, thanks to all of the scar tissue now present in my uterus. As you may recall, my doctor said it was a good thing I had a c-section because Baby Bean's placenta had implanted in the scar tissue from the removal of my uterine septum, had then began making its way through the lining, and had almost completely made its way out of my uterus. My doctor told us she was sure we would be able to have more children, but that she needed to consult with a high risk doctor first. She then proceeded to tell us that we are absolutely not allowed to conceive again for at least a year to allow my uterus time to heal.
I know what you're thinking, no big deal, right? Well, I have been positively diagnosed with endometriosis. In order to keep from getting pregnant, I have to go on some kind of contraception. My doctor stressed BIG TIME that we absolutely, positively should NOT get pregnant in the next year. Pregnancy has been shown to slow the progression of endo, which is fantastic. However, it does not stop it from coming back. Typically women with endo are put on birth control between pregnancies to help slow the progression in between children, as endo can prevent conception (as was our case the first time around). Again, no big deal. But it IS a big deal because birth control makes me a Horrid B****, even in low doses. Not only that, it apparently changes my scent and taste, which turns Hubs off. Okay, so get an IUD, you say. IUDs are non-hormonal and do not trick the body into thinking it is pregnant, which means it doesn't hold off the progression of endo.
The dilemma I am now faced with is do I go on the pill and risk being a Horrid B**** that smells and tastes funny and turns my husband off in a big way and risk getting divorced just to prevent the endo from coming back? Or do I go the IUD route and risk having to do another laparoscopy when we're ready to get pregnant again? The lap was way worse than the c-section for me. I would totally rather have a c-section than do another lap.
Abstinence is NOT an option. Condoms are less fool-proof than contraception, and not an option for my doctor.
I have to figure out which route I want to go before my next post partum visit in three weeks, and I don't like either option. I really, really don't want to do either. There is no lesser of two evils here, if you ask me. Both ideas make me sick to think about.
Why can't it be simple? Why do I have to think about these things at all? Why can't I just go with the plan Hubs and I set in place while I was still pregnant, which was to not try and to not prevent? Neither of us knows which option to pick because both present their own set of issues. I just wish that for once my reproductive organs were simple and not an area for concern. I wish there was an easy answer and an easy option.
Here I digress. Hubs and I want at least one more child, if not two. But we're not sure if that will be possible after hearing that any pregnancies from here on out will be high risk, IF we're able to get pregnant again at all, thanks to all of the scar tissue now present in my uterus. As you may recall, my doctor said it was a good thing I had a c-section because Baby Bean's placenta had implanted in the scar tissue from the removal of my uterine septum, had then began making its way through the lining, and had almost completely made its way out of my uterus. My doctor told us she was sure we would be able to have more children, but that she needed to consult with a high risk doctor first. She then proceeded to tell us that we are absolutely not allowed to conceive again for at least a year to allow my uterus time to heal.
I know what you're thinking, no big deal, right? Well, I have been positively diagnosed with endometriosis. In order to keep from getting pregnant, I have to go on some kind of contraception. My doctor stressed BIG TIME that we absolutely, positively should NOT get pregnant in the next year. Pregnancy has been shown to slow the progression of endo, which is fantastic. However, it does not stop it from coming back. Typically women with endo are put on birth control between pregnancies to help slow the progression in between children, as endo can prevent conception (as was our case the first time around). Again, no big deal. But it IS a big deal because birth control makes me a Horrid B****, even in low doses. Not only that, it apparently changes my scent and taste, which turns Hubs off. Okay, so get an IUD, you say. IUDs are non-hormonal and do not trick the body into thinking it is pregnant, which means it doesn't hold off the progression of endo.
The dilemma I am now faced with is do I go on the pill and risk being a Horrid B**** that smells and tastes funny and turns my husband off in a big way and risk getting divorced just to prevent the endo from coming back? Or do I go the IUD route and risk having to do another laparoscopy when we're ready to get pregnant again? The lap was way worse than the c-section for me. I would totally rather have a c-section than do another lap.
Abstinence is NOT an option. Condoms are less fool-proof than contraception, and not an option for my doctor.
I have to figure out which route I want to go before my next post partum visit in three weeks, and I don't like either option. I really, really don't want to do either. There is no lesser of two evils here, if you ask me. Both ideas make me sick to think about.
Why can't it be simple? Why do I have to think about these things at all? Why can't I just go with the plan Hubs and I set in place while I was still pregnant, which was to not try and to not prevent? Neither of us knows which option to pick because both present their own set of issues. I just wish that for once my reproductive organs were simple and not an area for concern. I wish there was an easy answer and an easy option.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Confession
Wow! Two posts two consecutive days in a row. I'm impressed. It is all due to the fact that Baby Bean is swaddled and sleeping peacefully in her pack-n-play and Hubs is working on his computer next to me. What else do I have to do right now besides clean out the last two bottles Baby Bean used? I guess I could finish putting together the video I started while I was pregnant, chronicaling my pregnancy to the birth of my little girl. I'll do that when I'm done here.
So, I have a confession. The other day while I was feeding the baby I was sitting in front of the TV when I noticed that Brin.ging Ho.me Ba.by was on. I am a person who loves to relate. Being able to relate makes me feel normal, and while I was deep in post partum blues, I needed someone to relate to just so that I knew I wasn't mental. Especially after my doctor told me at my appt last week that she was concerned I was a bit too deep in the blues. So I started watching BHB and relating to the women on the show. Some of them seemed to be struggling every bit as much as me, and some seemed even worse off than me. It all made me feel better. Plus I loved seeing their newborns and watching them deal with the first 36 hours at home. So what did I do? I set the DVR to record it every day so that I could sit and watch it while I feel the Baby Bean every day. I can't help myself. I love the fact that I can now relate to these women. I also started watching A Ba.by St.ory for the same reason and actually watched a c-section! The latter made me cry with emotion as I envisioned me being that woman and my baby coming out on her birth day. I could relate, and I loved it!
I do want to mention at this point that the baby blues seem to have passed. Thank heaven! I was so afraid I was going to end up on medication or in a psychiatrist office (per my doctor). I really, really didn't want that, so I battled the blues with everything I had. Hubs had a hard time watching me go through it, which is why he has been ensuring I get some good sleep every night. It is his attempt at helping me combat them. I am so happy to say they have passed. I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday when I was happily laughing that Baby Bean had smiled her first big smile at me and Hubs mentioned it had been a long time since he had heard me laugh and seen me smile like that.
I feel like I am totally stepping into this mommy role. I seriously love my child. I just can't get enough of her. The past few days have been full of smiles and laughter on my part as I completely dote on her. I am finally getting past being sad about not being pregnant with her because now I get to hold her and interact with her on a whole new level. I absolutely love it. I can't wait until she starts knowingly smiling at us.
I am thanking God every day for this wonderful opportunity and experience of being a mother. I look at her and think, "I made her. I grew her in my tummy." It is just plain incredible.
So, I have a confession. The other day while I was feeding the baby I was sitting in front of the TV when I noticed that Brin.ging Ho.me Ba.by was on. I am a person who loves to relate. Being able to relate makes me feel normal, and while I was deep in post partum blues, I needed someone to relate to just so that I knew I wasn't mental. Especially after my doctor told me at my appt last week that she was concerned I was a bit too deep in the blues. So I started watching BHB and relating to the women on the show. Some of them seemed to be struggling every bit as much as me, and some seemed even worse off than me. It all made me feel better. Plus I loved seeing their newborns and watching them deal with the first 36 hours at home. So what did I do? I set the DVR to record it every day so that I could sit and watch it while I feel the Baby Bean every day. I can't help myself. I love the fact that I can now relate to these women. I also started watching A Ba.by St.ory for the same reason and actually watched a c-section! The latter made me cry with emotion as I envisioned me being that woman and my baby coming out on her birth day. I could relate, and I loved it!
I do want to mention at this point that the baby blues seem to have passed. Thank heaven! I was so afraid I was going to end up on medication or in a psychiatrist office (per my doctor). I really, really didn't want that, so I battled the blues with everything I had. Hubs had a hard time watching me go through it, which is why he has been ensuring I get some good sleep every night. It is his attempt at helping me combat them. I am so happy to say they have passed. I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday when I was happily laughing that Baby Bean had smiled her first big smile at me and Hubs mentioned it had been a long time since he had heard me laugh and seen me smile like that.
I feel like I am totally stepping into this mommy role. I seriously love my child. I just can't get enough of her. The past few days have been full of smiles and laughter on my part as I completely dote on her. I am finally getting past being sad about not being pregnant with her because now I get to hold her and interact with her on a whole new level. I absolutely love it. I can't wait until she starts knowingly smiling at us.
I am thanking God every day for this wonderful opportunity and experience of being a mother. I look at her and think, "I made her. I grew her in my tummy." It is just plain incredible.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Spitting Up Schedules
First of all, I have to say I have THE BEST husband in the world! He kept Baby Bean all night last night so I could get a full night's sleep for the first time in three weeks. I feel bad because I'm sure he didn't get a lot of sleep, but I am so grateful to him for his sacrifice. The poor guy has been cutting back on his sleep to help me get more because he can't stand the emotional mood swings that accompany my sleep deprivation. He lets me head off to bed at 10:00 every night, and with the exception of last night, brings the baby to me around 4-5:00 in the morning. He sits at his computer and works until the 1:00 a.m. feeding, and then he sacks out on the couch with the baby on his chest until she is ready for her next feeding, after which he hands her off to me. I can't even tell you how seriously blessed I feel to have such a wonderful husband. He must really love his girls. It has all come at a cost to him though. The poor guy has a cold. :(
It has been amazing how much attention a newborn baby needs. I just had no idea what to plan for when I was pregnant. Doing laundry once a week and in a day? Forget it! I'm lucky to be able to change the load from the washer to the dryer in one day. Cleaning the kitchen daily? Forget it! Its lucky to get cleaned every few days. Nightly showers? Nope! I'm lucky to shower every other day right now. Yes, I make my choices. I COULD choose to do those things while my baby sleeps, but I just want to hold her all of the time. That and I can't really put her down when she fusses. I just want her to be a happy baby. I would worry about spoiling her, but everything I've read says you can't spoil them in the first couple months of life because they don't know any better yet. Hubs said he thinks maybe letting her sleep on him at night is spoiling her too because she certainly doesn't fuss when she sleeps on him, but she does as soon as she is in her crib. All I have to say about that is if it means we get sleep, then put her on your chest. We realize that for the past 9 months she was used to sleeping inside me where she was warm and comforted by the sound of my beating heart, and sleeping on a chest emulates that as much as possible, providing comfort and reassurance.
Back on the subject of laundry, I've been doing double duty. In addition to not being able to wait a week to get it done and doing it in a day, the loads add up faster because Baby Bean spits up after every meal. Burp cloths and receiving blankets are at a commodity, and the pile of dirty baby clothes piles up faster than I can keep up with. Do I mind though? Not one bit. Not now that I realize this is my life. If it means I have this sweet little baby girl, I will take all of her spit-ups and dirty laundry gladly. I am so in love with my baby. It is all completely worth it. Everything we went through to get her and everything we are now experiencing. I also realize that as she gets older, the old schedules will be able to return to normal a bit with just a few modifications.
One funny, yet sad thing is that with the new baby and everything that comes with it, I actually forgot to feed my dogs one night! My poor little pooches who used to be the center of my universe (next to Hubs, of course) are now relegated to a few pats on the head here and there. Nightly chewies have been temporarily forgotten. Doting has slowed considerably. But do they mind? Not so much. They both realize that the baby has changed things and have become less demanding of our attention. Instead they now play more with each other. I am so happy they both adjusted so well to the baby.
Time to go wake a sleepy baby for some lunch. :)
It has been amazing how much attention a newborn baby needs. I just had no idea what to plan for when I was pregnant. Doing laundry once a week and in a day? Forget it! I'm lucky to be able to change the load from the washer to the dryer in one day. Cleaning the kitchen daily? Forget it! Its lucky to get cleaned every few days. Nightly showers? Nope! I'm lucky to shower every other day right now. Yes, I make my choices. I COULD choose to do those things while my baby sleeps, but I just want to hold her all of the time. That and I can't really put her down when she fusses. I just want her to be a happy baby. I would worry about spoiling her, but everything I've read says you can't spoil them in the first couple months of life because they don't know any better yet. Hubs said he thinks maybe letting her sleep on him at night is spoiling her too because she certainly doesn't fuss when she sleeps on him, but she does as soon as she is in her crib. All I have to say about that is if it means we get sleep, then put her on your chest. We realize that for the past 9 months she was used to sleeping inside me where she was warm and comforted by the sound of my beating heart, and sleeping on a chest emulates that as much as possible, providing comfort and reassurance.
Back on the subject of laundry, I've been doing double duty. In addition to not being able to wait a week to get it done and doing it in a day, the loads add up faster because Baby Bean spits up after every meal. Burp cloths and receiving blankets are at a commodity, and the pile of dirty baby clothes piles up faster than I can keep up with. Do I mind though? Not one bit. Not now that I realize this is my life. If it means I have this sweet little baby girl, I will take all of her spit-ups and dirty laundry gladly. I am so in love with my baby. It is all completely worth it. Everything we went through to get her and everything we are now experiencing. I also realize that as she gets older, the old schedules will be able to return to normal a bit with just a few modifications.
One funny, yet sad thing is that with the new baby and everything that comes with it, I actually forgot to feed my dogs one night! My poor little pooches who used to be the center of my universe (next to Hubs, of course) are now relegated to a few pats on the head here and there. Nightly chewies have been temporarily forgotten. Doting has slowed considerably. But do they mind? Not so much. They both realize that the baby has changed things and have become less demanding of our attention. Instead they now play more with each other. I am so happy they both adjusted so well to the baby.
Time to go wake a sleepy baby for some lunch. :)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
How's it Goin'
Baby Bean is officially 19 days old today, and man has it been an insane 19 days. The post partum has been a bit rough on me emotionally and the sleep deprivation has been enough more rough (I guess we shouldn't forget recovery from major surgery either). But, as I said in my last post, Hubs has really stepped in to help out in the sleep department. I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man. I think I got 5.5 hours of consecutive sleep last night before he passed the baby on to me around 5:00 this morning. If I hadn't had to get up an pump at 3:30, I would have had a really nice stretch of sleep.
The good news is my emotions are starting to calm down a bit and I'm not any where near as weepy. Thank heaven! I have found it helps me out a lot if I can get out of the house every day too. Walks are the best medicine right now and it is one way I can get out and take the baby with me, since she is not supposed to be out in public places until she is 6 weeks old. I can't wait until we can start taking her everywhere and are no longer confined to the house and walks in the stroller. Being cooped up doesn't do much for me. Today we all went out for a nice, long drive in the sunshine.
On the nursing front, I went to the lactation consultant the other day and spent almost 3 hours with them. Both of them were surprised I was still going with as much pain as I was in, but it is something I really wanted to do for my baby, so I persevered. They determined I am really sensitive in addition to the fact that Baby Bean bites when she nurses. I ended up renting a hospital grade pump and resorted to pumping four times a day and supplementing with formula the rest of the time. At least she still gets the benefits of breast milk and Hubs can help out with the feedings.
The other awesome benefit of nursing is that when I went to the doctor for my incision check this week, I was only 11 lbs away from my prepregnancy weight! I'm already back into my early maternity pants. It has been awesome to watch all of the weight come off. I didn't realize I was so tiny before I got pg. I was amazed when I shaved for the first time since giving birth that I only needed half as much shaving cream and that I have little, tiny bird legs. lol
I guess it is now time to change a diaper and try to sneak in a nap. I got spanked by my doctor the other day for not napping during the day, so I guess I had better try to follow orders to help with the recovery. I will try to catch up on blogs tonight I swear!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Just a Quickie
This post is going to be short because I have to head to an appointment in a few minutes. I just can't believe how fast the past 15 days have gone, yet it doesn't seem like they have gone fast at all. What really seems to have streaked by like a flash of light is the past 11 months. It seems like just yesterday we pulled into Texas after two days on the road and unloaded the car into our corporate housing. But now here we are, almost a full year later, situated in a house with two dogs and a baby. It is just CRAZY!
Baby Bean is doing AWESOME. Her daddy and I are so in love with her. She is just the most beautiful, perfect little girl ever. When I was pregnant with her we used a system called Baby. Plus, which is a fetal development learning system. I'll blog more about it later. I am SOOOO glad we spent the money on it because I am positive it is a major contributing factor to the perfectness of my baby. She rarely fusses, and self soothes easily. The point behind the system was that it helped develop the baby's brain while she was in the womb while it was making all of its connections. Babies who were exposed to the system in the womb were found to be less fussy, self soothe easier, hit developmental stages faster, have higher IQs etc. I have to say, I'm a HUGE fan so far! My baby is perfect! Now if I just knew what to do with her during her wakeful periods. lol
The past two weeks have been beautiful and rough all at the same time. I think the hardest part for me has been the sleep deprivation. I don't do well on small amounts of sleep, and I've been lucky to get 6 hours a day, including naps. This makes me super duper emotional and stresses me out big time. Last night, however, Hubs fed the baby at 10:00 so I could turn in early, and then he fed her again at 1:30 so I could continue sleeping. WHAT A BLESSING!!! That is the longest stretch of sleep I've had since Baby Bean was born. Granted I woke up regretting things at 4:00 a.m. when I hadn't nursed or pumped in over 6 hours. lol
I'm just not sure this whole nursing thing is going to work out for us. I have given it a good 2 weeks, as promised, and holy crap am I hurting! I'm not sure if Baby Bean isn't latching on correctly, nursing correctly, or what our deal is, but I am in constant pain. I'm headed to the lactation consultant in a few minutes to see if we can resolve our issues. But honestly, I am SO turned off to nursing at this point I am praying she is going to tell me it just isn't going to work out. On the other hand, our pediatrician's nurse basically braced me for the price of formula when I called today to ask for a recommendation. Now I'm scared. I just wish I wasn't so sleep deprived so that I could make a rational decision about the whole thing. I waffle from one minute to the next about sticking it out, about supplementing, and about quitting all together. Argh! I need sleep!
I guess that is all I have time for now. This tired mom is signing off.
Baby Bean is doing AWESOME. Her daddy and I are so in love with her. She is just the most beautiful, perfect little girl ever. When I was pregnant with her we used a system called Baby. Plus, which is a fetal development learning system. I'll blog more about it later. I am SOOOO glad we spent the money on it because I am positive it is a major contributing factor to the perfectness of my baby. She rarely fusses, and self soothes easily. The point behind the system was that it helped develop the baby's brain while she was in the womb while it was making all of its connections. Babies who were exposed to the system in the womb were found to be less fussy, self soothe easier, hit developmental stages faster, have higher IQs etc. I have to say, I'm a HUGE fan so far! My baby is perfect! Now if I just knew what to do with her during her wakeful periods. lol
The past two weeks have been beautiful and rough all at the same time. I think the hardest part for me has been the sleep deprivation. I don't do well on small amounts of sleep, and I've been lucky to get 6 hours a day, including naps. This makes me super duper emotional and stresses me out big time. Last night, however, Hubs fed the baby at 10:00 so I could turn in early, and then he fed her again at 1:30 so I could continue sleeping. WHAT A BLESSING!!! That is the longest stretch of sleep I've had since Baby Bean was born. Granted I woke up regretting things at 4:00 a.m. when I hadn't nursed or pumped in over 6 hours. lol
I'm just not sure this whole nursing thing is going to work out for us. I have given it a good 2 weeks, as promised, and holy crap am I hurting! I'm not sure if Baby Bean isn't latching on correctly, nursing correctly, or what our deal is, but I am in constant pain. I'm headed to the lactation consultant in a few minutes to see if we can resolve our issues. But honestly, I am SO turned off to nursing at this point I am praying she is going to tell me it just isn't going to work out. On the other hand, our pediatrician's nurse basically braced me for the price of formula when I called today to ask for a recommendation. Now I'm scared. I just wish I wasn't so sleep deprived so that I could make a rational decision about the whole thing. I waffle from one minute to the next about sticking it out, about supplementing, and about quitting all together. Argh! I need sleep!
I guess that is all I have time for now. This tired mom is signing off.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Baby Blues and Adjusting
I know that the day I was cleared to leave the hospital they told all of us new mothers to expect some level of baby blues over the next 2-3 weeks; however, I had no idea what I was really in for until I got home. The first day home I just sat and sobbed because the fun of pregnancy was over. For the most part, my pregnancy was picture perfect and nearly every moment completely enjoyable. I loved every second of it. By the end of the first day I was feeling pretty okay with things.
Then the second day hit... I was all in a dither over the fact that my little girl was going to grow up. I kept feeling like I was going to go to bed that night, wake up the next morning, and she would be in high school already. I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. Like it was all going to speed by in the span of a night. This one has lasted the last couple of days. I leave the TV in the bedroom on all night so that I make sure I wake up to feed the baby every three hours. Usually it is on some kind of TV show I watched and enjoyed as a child, such as Fre.sh Pri.nce and Fa.mily Mat.ters. As I watch these shows I realize that I watched them when I was a child, and now here I am, years later, with my own little baby. All of the actors on these shows grew up and started families of their own. This all makes me realize my little girl will grow up and start a family of her own, and the thought sends me into tears.
I did a little better with the growing up bit today as I reflected on the last ten years of my own life and realize that they didn't pass in the blink of an eye. I also try to focus on the fact that we will get to watch our baby hit her developmental stages and she will become more fun as she gets older. We have so much to look forward to with her. I am trying so hard to fight the blues so that I can really enjoy Baby Bean's newborn days. I don't want to spend them weeping and praying that the minutes will creep slowly by so that she will stay tiny forever.
I just feel so inadequate as a mother right now. I have this tiny infant who is completely reliant on me for everything. I just don't know what to do with her short of hold her, feed her, and change her diaper. I feel like I can't put her down, and feel so guilty she is laying in her pack-n-play while I write this post even. It makes me feel neglectful. I have no idea how I am going to get things done once my support group goes home. I knew the adjustment would be hard and that it would take time, and I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact. I just really wish I could shake the blues. I really hate feeling this way. Although it made me feel so much better today when I watched Bring.ing Ho.me Ba.by for the first time ever and the new mothers on that show expressed the exact same feelings I am going through right now. Complete with crying.
It also helps that Hubs is so understanding. Whenever I get to feeling really blue, he talks me through what I'm feeling and then reminds me that post partum blues is normal, especially with trying to recover from the c-section, lack of sleep (which is really, really hard for me), and the pain of trying to nurse when everything isn't going as well as I would like. I just want to feel adequate and like I can do this. I realize I only gave birth 10 days ago, but I am so afraid my baby blues will extend beyond the standard 2-3 weeks. I guess all I can do right now is focus on my baby and establishing a new daily routine that includes her. Change is rough. Change involving a baby is even more rough, but I'll get through it by looking forward to the end of the blues.
Then the second day hit... I was all in a dither over the fact that my little girl was going to grow up. I kept feeling like I was going to go to bed that night, wake up the next morning, and she would be in high school already. I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. Like it was all going to speed by in the span of a night. This one has lasted the last couple of days. I leave the TV in the bedroom on all night so that I make sure I wake up to feed the baby every three hours. Usually it is on some kind of TV show I watched and enjoyed as a child, such as Fre.sh Pri.nce and Fa.mily Mat.ters. As I watch these shows I realize that I watched them when I was a child, and now here I am, years later, with my own little baby. All of the actors on these shows grew up and started families of their own. This all makes me realize my little girl will grow up and start a family of her own, and the thought sends me into tears.
I did a little better with the growing up bit today as I reflected on the last ten years of my own life and realize that they didn't pass in the blink of an eye. I also try to focus on the fact that we will get to watch our baby hit her developmental stages and she will become more fun as she gets older. We have so much to look forward to with her. I am trying so hard to fight the blues so that I can really enjoy Baby Bean's newborn days. I don't want to spend them weeping and praying that the minutes will creep slowly by so that she will stay tiny forever.
I just feel so inadequate as a mother right now. I have this tiny infant who is completely reliant on me for everything. I just don't know what to do with her short of hold her, feed her, and change her diaper. I feel like I can't put her down, and feel so guilty she is laying in her pack-n-play while I write this post even. It makes me feel neglectful. I have no idea how I am going to get things done once my support group goes home. I knew the adjustment would be hard and that it would take time, and I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact. I just really wish I could shake the blues. I really hate feeling this way. Although it made me feel so much better today when I watched Bring.ing Ho.me Ba.by for the first time ever and the new mothers on that show expressed the exact same feelings I am going through right now. Complete with crying.
It also helps that Hubs is so understanding. Whenever I get to feeling really blue, he talks me through what I'm feeling and then reminds me that post partum blues is normal, especially with trying to recover from the c-section, lack of sleep (which is really, really hard for me), and the pain of trying to nurse when everything isn't going as well as I would like. I just want to feel adequate and like I can do this. I realize I only gave birth 10 days ago, but I am so afraid my baby blues will extend beyond the standard 2-3 weeks. I guess all I can do right now is focus on my baby and establishing a new daily routine that includes her. Change is rough. Change involving a baby is even more rough, but I'll get through it by looking forward to the end of the blues.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Welcome Baby Bean!
**Updated to include more details**
I know you have all been on tender hooks this past week waiting for a post, and I am sorry to say you all had to come second to my new life as a mom. :) Now for the story you have all been waiting for, the one about Baby Bean's birthday.
At 5:15 Monday morning, Hubs and I headed to the hospital, ready for Baby Bean to make her appearance. I can't remember now, but I am pretty sure I cried about half of the way there. I think I was more scared about being cut open and recovering from the c-section than anything. Of course I had the normal pre-parent jittters that also played a role in my emotions. At around 7:40 I was wheeled down, crying, shaking like a leaf to surgery. The surgery room was freezing, so I was afraid the temperature combined with my sobbing would make it hard to give me my spinal, but the anesthesiologist somehow managed, and before I knew it, they were placing the sheet between my face and belly. I am pretty sure they started cutting me open before Hubs was allowed in the room, but I'm glad they never told me when they began. Of course, I was still crying and trying hard not to sob so as to prevent the knife from actually cutting something it shouldn't. lol
Just as promised, all I could feel was a lot of pressure on my abdomen. Once they located the baby I heard the comment, "Look at all of that hair!" I thought, "I'm sure the kid has a ton. I went through three family sized bottles and three regular size bottles of Tu.ms over the past few months!" The next thing I knew, the pressure on my abdomen was gone and I heard the first cries of my little girl. I saw her lifted above the blanket and just could not believe it. That was MY baby! She continued to scream as they rushed her over to the warm baby bed and cleaned her up. Daddy got in some pictures and stayed with her the whole time they were stitching me back up. All I could do was cry. I became a mother.
I had gone from this:
To this:
"Why is it so dang cold in here?! Mom! Put me back!" 
Listening to the piano with dad.
Someone is already a fan of TV (don't worry, its all educational). :)
I know you have all been on tender hooks this past week waiting for a post, and I am sorry to say you all had to come second to my new life as a mom. :) Now for the story you have all been waiting for, the one about Baby Bean's birthday.
At 5:15 Monday morning, Hubs and I headed to the hospital, ready for Baby Bean to make her appearance. I can't remember now, but I am pretty sure I cried about half of the way there. I think I was more scared about being cut open and recovering from the c-section than anything. Of course I had the normal pre-parent jittters that also played a role in my emotions. At around 7:40 I was wheeled down, crying, shaking like a leaf to surgery. The surgery room was freezing, so I was afraid the temperature combined with my sobbing would make it hard to give me my spinal, but the anesthesiologist somehow managed, and before I knew it, they were placing the sheet between my face and belly. I am pretty sure they started cutting me open before Hubs was allowed in the room, but I'm glad they never told me when they began. Of course, I was still crying and trying hard not to sob so as to prevent the knife from actually cutting something it shouldn't. lol
Just as promised, all I could feel was a lot of pressure on my abdomen. Once they located the baby I heard the comment, "Look at all of that hair!" I thought, "I'm sure the kid has a ton. I went through three family sized bottles and three regular size bottles of Tu.ms over the past few months!" The next thing I knew, the pressure on my abdomen was gone and I heard the first cries of my little girl. I saw her lifted above the blanket and just could not believe it. That was MY baby! She continued to scream as they rushed her over to the warm baby bed and cleaned her up. Daddy got in some pictures and stayed with her the whole time they were stitching me back up. All I could do was cry. I became a mother.
I had gone from this:
To this:
"Why is it so dang cold in here?! Mom! Put me back!" Hubs left the room with the baby to get her all cleaned up and get her measurements done. I just laid there as the doctor stitched me back up, crying and trying not to vomit, wanting to close my eyes and sleep. Then I heard the doctor who was helping my doctor with the surgery say, "That's weird. I've never seen that before." Then my doctor mentioned something about the septum that was removed during my lap a little over a year ago. I asked if there was a problem and my doctor told me she would explain it all in recovery, but that it was a good thing we did a c-section. My heart sank.
In recovery my doctor told us that Baby Bean's placenta had grown into the scar tissue that had formed where my septum was removed and had made its way through the muscle in my uterine wall, almost making its way completely out of my uterus. Had I given birth naturally, the removal of the placenta would have caused serious internal bleeding. We asked what that meant for future pregnancies, and she told us that we are absolutely not allowed to conceive again within at least the next year, and that our pregnancies from here on out are high risk, if we are able to get pregnant again. She is going to consult with a high risk doctor in the coming months to determine if conception is even a possibility for us again, but reassured us she thinks it is. I will write more about that in another post another day.
When all of the assessing was done, Baby Bean weighed in at a healthy 7 lbs 2oz and measured exactly 19 inches long. Neither her dad nor I could believe that her hair is so dark, since both of us are blondies. We're not sure where that came from. lol
Baby Bean is doing really well. Just like my pregnancy, her birth was nearly picture perfect, and she is completely perfect. She rarely fusses and is easy to soothe. She took to nursing like a natural (I just wish my sore girls did). It was hard to send her back to the nursery in the hospital, but I did every night to help me get some sleep so I could recover faster. I ended up being in the hospital for four days, and was released on Friday afternoon. Everyone is adjusting well to being home, including the dogs. I've found that recovering from the c-section is amazingly easier than recovering from the lap. I still haven't filled my pain pill prescription! I've just been managing with Ad.vil. I love the fact that I can psych myself up for something so much that when all is said and done, it was easier or better than I thought it would be. I love being pleasantly surprised.
Hubs just loves being a dad and has been absolutely doting over his precious baby girl, as I suspected he would be. Her first day home from the hospital he sat next to our Clav.inova piano with her for about an hour as it belted out tunes to appease her tiny ears. He's already a diaper changing pro and a tremendous help to me when he can be (since he can't help nurse). I am so grateful for him and love him so much more than before, which is amazing since I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already did.
Below are some pictures of my beautiful little girl. Enjoy!
Listening to the piano with dad.
Someone is already a fan of TV (don't worry, its all educational). :)Sunday, February 1, 2009
Its the Final Count Down
The excitement and trepidation are mounting in our household as Baby Bean's birth is mere hours away. I had hoped she would come early and on her own, but apparently she really is a stubborn little girl. That being said, she actually isn't as old as my doctor says simply because they calculate the date of conception as being 14 days past your LMP, and she was actually conceived on day 19. We know. I did an OPK. That puts her almost a full week behind where they say she is. However, I have still managed to be pregnant with this little girl longer than any of my mother's pregnancies or my sister's. All of their babies came around weeks 36-38. I am officially 39 weeks today. Way to go little bean! You must belong to your daddy. I know for a fact that she would stay in there for at least a few more days if not weeks were she not being forcibly evicted shortly.
The past couple days have been a bit rough. I haven't been feeling well, and I'm not sure if it is because I am full of so many mixed and intense emotions or if it is because I ate something bad. Either way, I couldn't keep food down yesterday and didn't manage to get anything in my tummy until around 5:30 last night. As for the emotions, they have been all over the place, kind of like they were before I brought both of my dogs home, only on a much grander scale. I am completely excited to bring Baby Bean into this world and embark on the fantastic journey of motherhood, but at the same time I am scared sh*tless (excuse the language). I know that I will do a wonderful job as a mother because I always do the very best that I can at everything I do. I am just afraid of the unknown. What if my baby is really fussy and I don't know how to comfort her? Am I really as prepared as I hope I am? Just how much is this going to change our lives? Do I really have a clue?
On the other hand, I am stoked. I get to raise a beautiful baby girl that my husband and I created together. A symbol of our love for each other. A bond forever cemented between us, for better or worse. I have made my sweetheart a daddy, and he has made me a mommy. Together we will raise the most perfect daughter. We will love her unconditionally. We will teach her everything we know, encourage her to be a wonderful person, a contributing member of society. We will get to watch her grow and excel in life. I am so excited for her! She has so many wonderful things ahead of her and she has no idea just yet.
Last night before I went to bed, I sat up and wrote her a letter that I will give to her one day when I feel it is appropriate. I let her know how much we went through to get her here and how much we love her. I thank God for this blessed opportunity. The past 9 months have been the most incredible journey, and every thing we went through to get here was so completely worth it. All of the treatments, the ups and downs, the uncomfortable bits of pregnancy, all of it was worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat and not think twice.
In just a few hours, I will get to meet my baby girl face to face. I am wordless at the thought. What a blessing.
I love you little girl, and I promise to be the best mother I can be to you. I can't wait to show you the world.
The past couple days have been a bit rough. I haven't been feeling well, and I'm not sure if it is because I am full of so many mixed and intense emotions or if it is because I ate something bad. Either way, I couldn't keep food down yesterday and didn't manage to get anything in my tummy until around 5:30 last night. As for the emotions, they have been all over the place, kind of like they were before I brought both of my dogs home, only on a much grander scale. I am completely excited to bring Baby Bean into this world and embark on the fantastic journey of motherhood, but at the same time I am scared sh*tless (excuse the language). I know that I will do a wonderful job as a mother because I always do the very best that I can at everything I do. I am just afraid of the unknown. What if my baby is really fussy and I don't know how to comfort her? Am I really as prepared as I hope I am? Just how much is this going to change our lives? Do I really have a clue?
On the other hand, I am stoked. I get to raise a beautiful baby girl that my husband and I created together. A symbol of our love for each other. A bond forever cemented between us, for better or worse. I have made my sweetheart a daddy, and he has made me a mommy. Together we will raise the most perfect daughter. We will love her unconditionally. We will teach her everything we know, encourage her to be a wonderful person, a contributing member of society. We will get to watch her grow and excel in life. I am so excited for her! She has so many wonderful things ahead of her and she has no idea just yet.
Last night before I went to bed, I sat up and wrote her a letter that I will give to her one day when I feel it is appropriate. I let her know how much we went through to get her here and how much we love her. I thank God for this blessed opportunity. The past 9 months have been the most incredible journey, and every thing we went through to get here was so completely worth it. All of the treatments, the ups and downs, the uncomfortable bits of pregnancy, all of it was worth it. I would do it again in a heartbeat and not think twice.
In just a few hours, I will get to meet my baby girl face to face. I am wordless at the thought. What a blessing.
I love you little girl, and I promise to be the best mother I can be to you. I can't wait to show you the world.
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