I'm Going to Take My Moment

Although I didn't get my hopes up, and although my doctor told me at one of my post-op appointments that it would be unlikely I would get pregnant our first month following the super birth control I was on after my surgery, he did tell me it was possible. In the face of possibility, any infertility patient can't help but get their hopes up the teeniest, tiniest bit that they will beat the odds and get a positive test rather than an unwelcome monthly visitor. This morning I found that there would be no need for a pregnancy test. I knew the last couple of days that it would be likely I wouldn't, but I still dared to hope in my heart of hearts.

I told Hubs with a slightly heavy heart that this month was not successful and that I just needed my moment to be sad. I didn't cry, and my heart didn't break too much because I knew, afterall, that it was only a remote possibility in the first place. In addition, I have experienced some really wonderful positive changes because of the surgery, so I know it was all for something.

There are good things to be had from this though. Everything is not lost, and the little cloud only stayed a moment. I refuse to let small setbacks and disappointments get me down. Like a new year, I get to embark on a new month with the knowledge of the previous month. I have already determined that in this new month I will try new things that will help increase our chances this time around, such as eating plenty of high fat dairy, which is proven to increase fertility in women. I have already cut caffine from my diet, knowing now that it contributes to endometriosis, and decreases fertility in women; however, caffine helps men, so Hubs will continue drinking it.

There is one reason above all others that I am okay with the fact a baby did not work out for us this month, and that is that my chances of still being able to go to Scotland next September are really good. How can I be sad when I think about things that way? Yes, I want a baby, but I also want to go back to Scotland. :D And now I have another reason to want to go, and that is to meet one of the most wonderful people I've ever known, our own Beeswax.

So today I will take however long I need to be a little blue, and then I will pick myself up and look forward, with hope, to the new year and new month.

P.S. I found that listening to a little soothing Howie Day helps make the sad moments feel better. Thanks Howie.

What I Learned This Year

As 2007 comes to a close, its time to take a moment to do a year in review. I decided the best way to do this is with a bulleted list or two. The past year has been full of ups and downs, some even to the extremes (including a false positive pregnancy test after undergoing artifical insemination). Below is my year in review:

Things I did:

• Helped my husband landscape our backyard by ourselves
• Planted my own first garden
• Published my first user manual and admin guide
• Published my first company newsletter
• Started blogging
• Came out of my introvert shell
• Made wonderful new friends
• Chose to use my blog to educate
• Was artificially inseminated
• Had a moderate endometrial resection, ovarian drilling, and lost my appendix
• Bought a new couch
• Ate lots of chocolate

Where I went:

• Dublin
• Edinburgh
• Bath
• London
• New Orleans
• Houston (a couple of times)
• A reinaissance festival dressed as a saucy wench

Things I learned:

• Outlook and attitude are absolutely everything 100% of the time
• Its okay to be sad and cry sometimes--I don't always have to be strong
• I love plants (went from a couple houseplants to many)
• How to be a gardner
• I have a green thumb
• Sometimes its better to just let old friends go
• Infertility and surgery are for the birds
• Cheese is a cure for PMS (I'm NOT kidding!)
• Fish ponds are a lot of work (and expensive)

Things that happened:

• My grandma passed away (my last grandparent)
• My love for my husband grew exponentially

This past year has been good and bad, and I look forward whole-heartedly to the next year.

I wish everyone the best in 2008!

The last few days have been really wonderful. I took off early from work on Friday after only being in for a couple of hours. I had a wonderfully long, extended weekend, but it flew by so fast it really didn't feel like a 4+ day weekend. After I left here on Friday I went home, snuggled with my pup on the couch while my husband worked, and took a nap in front of the TV. I took it completely easy the whole rest of the day. I had finished all of the work that needed to be done for both of my jobs, and had postponed the third project until after the holidays.

To reward myself for all of my hard work, my husband and I went couch shopping. I've determined I spend too much time on that couch to not be comfortable. It is where I take naps, watch TV, snuggle with Hubs to watch movies, work from home, etc. Basically its the only place in the house I ever really sit to do anything. We found a couch that we were absolutely in love with. It was the most comfortable couch I have ever sat on. The price tag was a few hundred more than I wanted to spend, but after sitting on at least 100 couches, I didn't care how much the one I loved cost. However, it didn't come in the right color, and Hubs wouldn't let me buy it for that reason alone. I was so bummed! We did find a couch that was somewhat comfortable and met all of my other crieteria (such as cushions I could flip over when they started to wear) and that was right in the price range I had pre-determined. We decided to go home and think about it before making the purchase.

The next morning my little brother came down for an overnight visit. (He is a blog for another day, but I will say that we are very close and are known as "the twins born four years apart.") We spent the morning out shopping for his last minute Christmas presents and made a stop over to the furniture store so I could get his opinion on the couches I loved. After finally deciding and the salesman mistaking us for a married couple (which happens a LOT), the purchase was made, and a delivery date set.

This morning my husband got a call from the furniture company at 7:30 in the blessed a.m. saying our couch was on its way. (I usually don't saunter into work until 9-9:30. I value my sleep too much.) At 8:45 we were both awakened by the delivery of our new couch! (Yes, I was still fast asleep, having pushed the snooze button on my alarm clock at least 10 times by that point.) Since we hadn't removed our old couch the night before, the new one is now sitting in front of it, patiently waiting to take its new place after I get home to help remove its predecessor tonight. Mags and I can't wait to snug on it.

The old couch. Check out how the cushions sag into the middle, especially the one on the right.

I usually end up sitting in the middle where the cushions start to seperate and move forward, leaving me with my bum down inside the couch.

The new couch! Can you hear the angels singing its praises?

Mags is already making herself at home.

Back to Life

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Ours was pretty nice even though it got off to a rough start. We were supposed to go to my parent's for Christmas Eve dinner, but a nasty snow storm set in a couple hours before we were due to head up. After talking with my parents we decided it was best that we not brave the roads and just wait to come up until the next day. I was really disappointed because I really wanted to go. (I cried.)

After it was determined we wouldn't be going, Hubs and I decided to start our own Christmas Eve tradition by getting "Christmas Eve Taco Bell." We bundled Maggie up in her pink winter coat (she's an inside dog who lounges in front of a fire place, and therefore has ZERO winter coat of her own), and headed out on icy roads in pursuit of some type of dinner. Before snagging a bite to eat, we stopped off to return some movies at Blockbuster, where we could plainly see that Taco Bell was already closed for the evening. We had a quick discussion and determined we would run down to Wendys and see if they were open. Its not exactly nachos, but french fries aren't at the bottom of my favorite foods list either. ;p Luckily for us, Wendys was open! And so started our new tradition, Christmas Eve Wendys.

Christmas morning we woke up to 3 new inches of glistening, white snow! Maggie couldn't get out fast enough to romp in it. Once again, we bundled her up and loaded the car with Christmas presents before heading to my parent's house where they had 6-8" of snow compared to our 3. We spent the day opening presents, sitting around talking, watching my dog bolt from one end of my parent's yard to the other in snow that came up to her tummy, and watching movies. We rounded out the evening with a nice steak Christmas dinner. Once the sun went down, we grabbed the very freezing Maggie (my mom won't let my pup inside her house) and went back home to have our own Christmas.

For Christmas I got a vacation to St. Kitts, a vacation to Scotland, some much desired square dishes, wonderful gift cards that I can't wait to use, and some sheep skin slippers (from who else but the Border Collie, Maggie?!). Hubs got a new hot tub. (I think someone really loves him.)

I hope you all had a wonderful, safe holiday. Can't wait to see you all back blogging!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

FINALLY!!!

I have finally left the office and any and all work until after Christmas. I paid dearly for my break on Wednesday by having to work double time the next day. I thought I would never finish! But, praise be to heaven, I did. I passed the work from my laptop to someone else's and checked out for the next four days. Ahhhhh..... (I am still so brain fried, I can't think of anything else to say, even though blog thoughts run through my head all day, every day.)

I celebrated last night by going to dinner with my sweetie and getting one of my favorite dishes, citrus fire chicken and shrimp fajitas. After which I talked Hubs into going and looking at new couches. I think we've pretty much decided which couch we're going to get. I'm going to go take a second look today and maybe make a purchase. We rounded out the evening cuddling in front of the fire place watching movies and TV.

All that is left to do now is sit back, relax, eat yummy food, and wait for Christmas.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

P.S. Kath, I didn't get around to copying and pasting my award before it disappeared off your blog. :( I am sincerely appreciative.

Taking a Breather

After a more than hectic day at work today, I decided to take the night off. I have work to do, I just refuse to do it. It will still be there tomorrow. This is in part due to the comments from my very sweet friends on my last posting. This R&R is for you ladies! How could I not take such sound advice? Especially after the comment from Michele who has been where I am and knows how important it is to not overdo things. I already did that once.

Tonight I am taking some time to just sit on my backside, read blogs, watch TV, and play some much deserved fetch with my faithful canine companion who has recently decided she likes to lick inside my ear. (EW!) I always tell her she is good for my heart, and I really believe that. Mags has a way of lowering my blood pressure, and when I am really stressed out, I can feel it all drain away in a good snug with my pooch.

In honor of my night of R&R, I wanted to post the pictures from my trip this spring that really help relax me when I feel my stress levels starting to shoot through the roof. These are honestly on the wall in my office at work. Please relax and enjoy!

Christ Church, Dublin, Ireland

This is my all-time favorite relaxation picture. I love the sheep in the distance. Kilmahog (did I spell that right Kath?), Scotland

Loch Ness, Scotland (Can you just feel your stress floating away?)

Bath, England (We stayed on the top floor of the building on the right. The third and fourth windows were our room.)

Busy Bee Me

As I am sure is the case with most people, I have been extremely busy the last couple of weeks. I have a full time day job, and the last couple weeks I've left the office only to go home and do work for another employer until my eyes are so strained from staring at a computer screen I can't do anything fun for myself, like read everyone's blogs. Last night I wanted so badly to not only read the blogs of all of my new friends, but to maybe sniff out a few new ones to take a gander at. Unfortunately, my eyes hurt so bad I felt downright cross-eyed!

I just wanted to let all of my new friends know that I have really enjoyed reading all of your blogs and receiving your heart-warming comments. You have all made my day more times than I can count. I hope that I bring as much joy to all of you as you have all brought to me.

The last couple months have been a little difficult for me since I am still trying to heal from my surgery. I have been coming down off of the hormones they gave me after my surgery the last couple weeks, which has made me a little sad more often than I would like and very much against my will. But reading everyone's blogs and seeing their comments has really helped me make it through some of the longer days. You have all brought smiles to my face, and I am appreciative.

I wish you all the very best for the Christmas holidays.

Thank you all again for your very kind comments. I think Louise (I hope I spelled that right) has it spot on with her comment to this blog in that blogging friends help make life a little easier. (I wish you the best of luck with your decision!) You are all very wonderful people and I am glad we all embarked on this experience.

Christmas Pictures

I have spent the last two days finishing up my Christmas shopping and wrapping presents. I did 99% of my Christmas shopping back in April when Hubs and I went to the UK, but I still had some friends and Hubs to shop for. One of my cousins drove a couple hours just to go shopping with me yesterday, and we had a blast. I think one of my favorite parts of the Christmas holiday is buying things for people I think they will like. Since Hubs and I don't have kids yet and we both have good jobs, I am able to splurge a little bit on everyone, including myself. ;) I'm just glad its all done and I can spend the rest of the week relaxing and taking it easy.

Here are a couple of pictures that make it all seem even more like Christmas at my house.

Mags, chilling by the fire, sporting some doggie red eye. (She's the only kid I've got for now, so she's spoiled rotten [or whiney, if you ask Hubs].)

The mountains out my back door. It just might be a white Christmas this year. Hubs can't wait to hit the slopes!

The Christmas stockings hung on the mantle. There are already some chocolate reindeer in the socks. YUM!

Our modest Christmas tree. Its only about 4.5' tall. The monkey is a stuffed animal for Maggie for Christmas.

My Mom Says I'm a Winner

Last night my husband and I braved snowy and extremely icy roads to go to my work Christmas party. Of course I wondered if it was all worth it as we sat going 5 mph on the freeway and it took 50 minutes to get to our destination when it should have been 20. I think I could actually feel my arteries hardening from the stress of being scared we were going to hit or be hit. lol (We are definitely going to have to move to Texas before next winter!)

Luckily, it all turned out to be worth it. I got to sit with my new friend S and her 5-month-old baby boy, who was an absolute angel. Up until I held her little guy, she was really good birth control for me. Now that I've snugged her little baby boy, I think she is full of it and I'm ready for my very own spitting up, cooing, warm little bundle.

At the end of the evening they had a drawing for a bunch of prizes the company bought. Neither S nor I won anything at the party last year, and so we didn't get our hopes up this year. We sat together and said, "We're losers. We won't win anything. You should come to my office and each chocolate tomorrow and we'll be losers together." A split second later, S won a 1 GB iPod Shuffle! I teased her and said, "I guess I'll have to eat chocolate by my loser self." A split second later I also won a 1 GB iPod shuffle! We both laughed that we not only both won, but we won the same thing! So today we are going to eat chocolate in my office and be winners together.

Not only did we win together, but she was sweet enough to offer to trade me the green one I won for the purple one she won because purple is my favorite color. I think I've found my new best friend. :)

Its Snowing

It snowed about a foot and a half here today. I was just glad that today was not on a weekday when I would have to wait until 5:00 to head home on less than fun roads. I took a few pictures of the backyard and Maggie in the new snow. First are some pictures of the new backyard Hubs and I put in over the summer, and the way the yard looks now with all of the snow, including our poor little fish pond. :)

The south side with our failing Jackman Clematis vine, hostas, and some other plants I don't remember the names of. Maggie was being camera shy.

The west side with Hubs' favorite Concord grape vine, silver mounds, strawberries (not shown), carnations, little purple flowering plants, and my favorite delphiniums.

All the green is now covered in a sheet of snow, with the brim of Hubs' hat visible as he shovels the pattio.

Maggie, feeling slightly tortured that her pampered self has to sit outside in the snow for this Kodak moment instead of inside on the sofa, next to the fire place.

The fish pond before we lost the battle against algea for the year. It used to be so beautiful with its multi-colored stones.

The fish pond con masive algea and covered in snow. If you look closely, you can see two of our larger fish in this picture. We have 17 fish total, but we've only been able to find 7 since it got cold. The sand dollar-looking item is our winter heater.

My Procedure

I don't think I have posted on this blog yet about the surgery I underwent in October. I've talked about it, but never what it was for. As you may have guessed, it had to do with infertility.

When I was a teenager many of my doctors wanted to have me tested for endometriosis. Every time they would recommend the tests my heart would beat wildly and I would get scared. Perhaps I thought it was a death sentence? Each time I declined testing. I figured if I had it I would rather not know. I wasn't always the smartest teenager.

Edometriosis is when the entire lining of the uterus is not shed every month. The endometrial lining is normally located inside the uterus, but sometimes it ends up outside of it for whatever reason. Endometriosis can migrate to other parts of the body and in rare, extreme cases has even been found in the brain. Typically it is only located around the uterine area. While it is treatable, there is no known cure. The best way to halt its growth is to get pregnant. In some cases, however, it causes infertility, such as in my case. When this happens, doctors can go in and either cut out the tissue or cauterize it. However, removing the endometriosis is not a cure. It will grow back in time, and even grow back on the scar tissue from the surgery.

The surgery I underwent is called a laparoscopy. The point behind the procedure was so that the doctor could go in and see if he could identify the cause for my infertility problems. We were alomost positive I had endometriosis, and that the procedure would end up in an endometrial lining resection, which it did. It turned out I had moderate endometrosis, and most of it was around my ovaries. My doctor chose to cut out the tissue, rather than cauterizing it because of the extent of the endo. He felt cutting it out would slow its regrowth and give us better chances at conceiving.

While I was in surgery, my doctor also performed what is called ovarian drilling. This is where he pokes a few small holes in my ovaries with a laser to stimulate them to ovulate on their own every month. This procedure is usually reserved for women with polycystic ovaries (meaning they have cysts on their ovaries, which prevents ovulation), but mine were a little large and my doctor felt it was a good option for us. I'm not sure of the science behind ovarian drilling, but it has been proven to work.

Lastly, he removed a uterine septum that he felt could cause miscarriages if fertilized eggs tried to implant in it.

The real shock was in the recovery room after my surgery. As I was trying to fight off the anesthesia so I could see my husband, they told me that they had removed my appendix. My first thought was, "Did they do the wrong thing on me?!" Apparently it was pretty swollen and my doctor was afraid it would become a problem in the future. I was also told that because of the extent of my surgery my outpatient visit had turned into an overnight visit. My recovery time had gone from a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

The great news is that I am finally feeling much better and almost back to my normal self. I still get tired a little easily, but that is to be expected for the next couple months. I'm just glad cleaning the kitchen doesn't wipe me out anymore! I am really looking forward to this all being a distant memory.

Presumptuous Pup

One of the things I love best in this world is my dog. I am a serious dog lover. I've had my very own dog since I was six years old when my dad bred his favorite sheltie and we kept one of her pups. My dad and I are very close, and I am definitely a daddy's girl. Our love of dogs is one thing my dad and I share that no one else in my family does. My dad and I used to take our dogs to training together because it was time we could spend together, and time we could spend bonding with our dogs. When I met my husband, I told him up front that if he married me I came with at least one to two dogs. Even though he is not a big dog fan (at all), he allows me to not only have my dog, but allows her to be inside because she makes me happy.

When I had my surgery, my dog was the only being who was by my side 24/7. I usually sleep with my bedroom door closed, but I left it open for a couple weeks after my surgery so Maggie could come check on me during the night, and she did. Every now and then she would put her nose up on the bed to make sure I was okay. If I didn't respond, she'd start to whine. It was all very touching and very bonding. The only thing I felt bad about is that my dog is very sensitive to my moods and became slightly depressed while I was stuck in bed. We've since gotten her over that. Now that I am feeling better, so is she.

My dog gets her daily biscuits as a reward just for being her. Lately I have been keeping the box on the floor because my husband objects to it being on any form of human eating surface. Last night I was on the phone with my dad when my presumptuous pup walked into the front room with a dog biscuit in her mouth. I couldn't believe it! The silly girl had gone and opened the box by herself, and helped herself to a treat! I told my dad and we sat there and laughed. How could I get mad over something so funny?

Maggie finished off her biscuit, waited about 20 minutes, and went and helped herself to another. The best part was she looked back at me before helping herself to see if I was watching. After eating about four treats, I finally had to move the box from her reach to keep her from eating all of them.

I tell my dog every day that she is good for my heart and that God made her just for me. There is nothing in this world like a good dog.

Green Light!

I forgot to post my good news from last week!

Last Friday I had to go in to the doctor one more time because I was experiencing a lot of pain, which was abnormal for being a month away from my surgery. I was told that everything was okay, and that my pain was being caused by the Super Man Birth Control my doctor had put me on after my surgery, which was three days away from being finished.

I told my doctor at that appointment that Hubs and I had decided we would wait a couple months before trying to get pregnant to give my body time to heal. He smiled at me, shook his head, and said, "Don't wait. Start trying as soon as your birth control is up." It turns out, my internal incisions should be healed around 6-8 weeks, which means I've only got 2 to go! He also told me that our best chances are going to be the next couple months because I am coming off the Super Man Birth Control. He told me that even if I did get pregnant this month, I wouldn't notice it until the end of January. Although he did say he was doubtful we would get pregnant this month because of the fact that my body is still healing.

I was totally shocked and not sure if I was happy about the idea of trying right away or not. Part of the reason we wanted to wait is because we want to go to Scotland in September, and that can't happen if we have a new baby or I am too pregnant. But after telling Hubs what the doctor said, we decided to listen to him and let things happen the way they will happen.

I know that one day this will happen for us. I have confirmation that we will eventually have children. I knew the road would be tough. Hopefully we are at the end of the disappointing part of the process. Here's to hoping!

I Choose to Grow

I am lucky to be my father's daughter. My dad taught me how to grow and change. I'm lucky to be married to my husband. He taught me how to change my attitude and relax. Between these two men in my life, I know that I have become a better person, especially over the last year. I have learned to look for the positive in a negative experience. My infertility problems are case in point. I've learned to make friends and not to be such an introvert. I've learned that making friends is an important part of self-growth. I've learned that being outgoing and helpful is a wonderful growing experience; it takes you outside of your own set of problems and helps you realize everyone struggles.

I admit, I've done some things over the past year that I'm not proud of, but I am proud of the fact that I have learned to move on from them and how to change the way I handle things. Yes, I have my bad days and bad things do happen to me, but I choose not to let them make me a bitter person. I will take my five minutes, my hour, or however much time I need during the day to mope, and then I get on with life. I start finding the things that were good in the experience and that help me grow, and that is what I choose to take away from it.

In this life, I choose to be happy. I choose not to hold grudges. I choose to look for the positive in every negative situation. I choose to share my knowledge. I choose to be a better person.

Mags and the Snow

While my husband abhores the snow, and I only appreciate it when its not on the roads and sidewalks, Maggie seems to enjoyt it no matter what. Every time it snows, I get all excited for my pooch and can't wait to let her out in the yard for her favorite kind of romp.

When she goes outside after it has snowed, she pauses at the door, looks around for a second, and then runs like a mad dog into the snow. First she takes a few excited rolls around. Then she starts bouding around and rooting in the snow with her nose like she's on a chase. After a bit of that, she starts eating it and looking for great big chunks that she can toss around and then eat. This goes on until she finally realizes its freezing and she is covered in snow, and then she wants back inside.

I love watching her play in the snow. It always brings a smile to my face.

For Beeswax

Hi Beeswax,

The best way I could think of to respond to your comment was to post a blog just to you.

First of all, I wish your daughter and her partner all the best of luck. Infertility is a painful process. You try so hard not to get your hopes up every month you undergo treatments, but it is still hard when each month produces nothing but a hormonal woman and a load of doctor bills. Its not anything I would ever wish on my worst enemy, and I wish that no one ever had to go through it.

My husband and I have been undergoing treatments for over a year now, and it has been a tough year, but one that I feel has brought us so much closer together and has really helped us gain a better understanding of each other and our love. So there are positives to be had by the process. I learned early on that it was all a matter of my outlook and how I chose to take each potential blow. But I also understand that outlook is not always easy for everyone.

If your daughter is just beginning the process, then tell her to hold on! Every time I went to the doctor, I left with my head reeling. It got the point where my husband going with me was not an option just because there was more information to take in than my brain could handle. Each visit brought choices, and always more than just two. It all came down to a matter of what I was willing to do. Yes, my husband had a say in the matter, but he always told me it was my body, and therefore ultimately up to me. Every time I thought I had my head around all of the possibilities, we'd go back to the doctor the next month and I'd feel like I had to start over on new turff.

When you say your daughter is undergoing tests, I assume you mean progesterone. I had to take those stupid tests every month for the first four months of our process. My counts were always low too. It just meant that my body was not ovulating on its own for whatever reason. If that is the worst of your daughter's problems, she is in luck. Ovulation can be stimulated by certain prescription drugs. They did get me to ovulate, but that was not our only problem.

The most important thing you can do is to be there for her, support her, and let her know how much you love her. Please think about the things you say before you say them. People always mean well, but they don't always understand the underlying meaning of their words. For example, I am always told to "RELAX!" I finally someone if she knew what she was really implying, which was that I was so uptight it was my fault we weren't getting pregnant.

The most important thing your daughter can do is to educate herself and make sure she is with an excellent doctor. I loved my first doctor, but I found out a couple months ago that she was not the best doctor for us, and we were really disappointed to find that her methods were actually hurting our chances rather than improving them. I wish I had known that about six months sooner. It would have saved us a lot of heartache and money.

I wish your daughter all the best. I sincerely hope that her endeavors to become a mother are successful and that the road is not too long. I really admire your desire to help and be there for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.