It's Okay, and So Am I

If there is one thing I love about myself, it is that I am a fighter. I don't let anything get me down for long. I take my time to work through the feelings with an eye toward getting back on my feet as soon as possible. This last disappointment was no exception.

Tuesday through Thursday were just a total beat down. I dragged @$ everywhere I went because I was constantly waiting for the one thing I feared: AF. I didn't dare get my hopes up, yet I dared to hope a little. I hadn't mapped out how I would feel if this cycle didn't work because I didn't want to face the possibility that it might not, and that was my first mistake. I knew that going in though, but I thought if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen. Stupid, naive me.

For the past 7 months, I have built up this excitement and promised myself it would work the first time right out of the gate, and I didn't have a caveat for what if it didn't. So when it didn't work out, all I had left was some major heartache and a HUGE letdown. So when AF finally reared on Thursday (which means I know exactly what day ovulation occurred after my positive OPK), I stayed strong for as long as I could, and as soon as I was alone, I let it all out. I had a good cry, and I said my piece to my husband and the universe. I ended up going home from work early because I needed to sort through things and get myself back on track.

Sadly, I found out AF was here just before taking my brother (who is here for a week) to lunch, so I was a major downer. As I tried not to cry while I ate my chips and salsa, I used him as a therapist. "It's not so bad. There are way worse things in the world. This isn't a big deal, so why am I so upset? It will be fine. It just wasn't our time, and that's okay."

On my drive home from work I thought about the fact that my body really isn't ready for a pregnancy yet anyway. I haven't told anyone this yet, not even my husband, but I still hurt from my surgery. I can still feel where the repair is because it's tender to the touch. That tells me it is a good thing this cycle didn't work. I think my body knew that too. But really, God knew it better than me.

Some time around 9:00 that night, the fog lifted, and I snapped out of my pity party. It was literally like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden I was not only fine, I was great! I was ready to get back in the game and try, try again. I got excited as I told myself I was going to shell out for a box of 20 OPKs this time around. I mapped out our next battle plan, which this time only includes OPKs and lube. No evening primrose oil, no cough syrup, no pineapple. Just my body doing it's thing to tell me IT'S ready to make a baby.

If it doesn't work out this next cycle, we'll try again, and we'll keep on trying until we have success. I no longer have a plan because as we all know, it isn't in our time, it's in God's time, and He knows when the right egg will be ready, and it will happen exactly when it is supposed to. The only thing I will do differently in the coming months is to not tie my hopes to an unreachable star. I'm not going to torture myself during the TWW. Either I'm pregnant, or I'm not. There is nothing I can do about it. It's all in God's hands.

I learned from this last cycle that I really, really stink at math. Apparently I had the date of my LMP during my pregnancy with my daughter wrong. I was 3 days off. I didn't figure that out until a couple of days ago when the number of days from a positive OPK to a positive pregnancy test weren't adding up. I discovered it took TEN days for me to experience pregnancy symptoms with her, not seven. Let us not forget my mix-up from this cycle. And I also didn't take into consideration that I could have ovulated two days (36 hours) after my positive OPK (which I did), which put AF's visit out yet another day.

The important thing is that I have my naive ignorance behind me, and I am ready to take on the baby making world once again. I am armed and ready for battle!

The Skinny

So here is where things stand right now:

• I am in for an extremely high risk pregnancy. One that will be monitored very closely throughout.
• We have an appointment with an RE on March 23rd for our initial assessment. He is going to be the doctor to perform the surgery to fix the thin wall in my uterus. As I understand it, they are basically going to cut out the spot where the lining is thin, and then bring the two thicker sides together. We then hope that everything heals fine.
• I imagine the surgery will be akin to my c-section in the healing department. My doctor told me they would go in through my c-section incision to perform the surgery, which means be prepared to be spread again muscles!
• My doctor reviewed the surgery notes from the doctor who performed my laparoscopy, and she said she agrees with everything that he did, and that he did everything correctly. Not only that, but she said he did such a good job that I was able to carry a full-term pregnancy with Baby Bean even after she implanted in the scar tissue, which showed he had skill. So, I am back to not being able to be upset with him, although Hubs still is.
• The spot where the lining is thin is toward the middle back side of my uterus, which is where a baby CAN implant, but there is a possibility the baby won't implant there.
• If the baby does implant there, we are to buckle up and hold on for the ride of our lives, while bracing for an early term delivery. I will most likely end up in the hospital for an indeterminate length of my pregnancy to ensure the baby can be delivered as soon as possible should a rupture occur.
• If the baby implants lower, the protocol stays the same, but we are at a slightly lower risk for rupture. My symptoms will be monitored very closely, and I could end up in the hospital for an indeterminate amount of time to ensure the baby can be delivered as soon as possible should a rupture occur.
• If the baby implants in the scar tissue, I am not allowed to contract at all. Doing so could weaken the scar tissue and result in a rupture.
• If the baby implants lower, only light contractions will be allowed, but will be closely monitored.
• Should a rupture occur outside of a hospital setting, the baby will most likely bleed out before it can be saved. I could bleed out before getting to the hospital, but will bleed internally until such time I can be taken to surgery, not to mention all of the other things that will leak into my abdominal cavity in the meantime. Should this happen, I am looking at at scary situation including but not limited to immediate hysterectomy, blood transfusions, and death.

Much to the dismay of my doctor, I was giddy like a school girl when I told her we would press forward. I told her that my desire to bring another child into this world was great enough that I am willing to face those risks, and especially where the odds are in my favor. It broke my heart when I saw a tear well up in her eye as she told me she also knows that my desire to take care of my daughter and ensure that she always had a mother around was just as great, and that her ultimate goal is to keep me safe.

All I know right now, right here in this moment is that this is what I have to do. Maybe I'm being stupid and bull headed, but this is what feels right. The urge to go on is so strong.

I sincerely believe that everything in this life happens for a reason, and I always have. There are too many things that happen in life for them to be completely coincidental. I believe that last week had to happen to make me okay with the fact that we can't start TTC right now. Had I been told last week we would have to wait another 7-9 months, I would have been so upset. But because that happened and I faced not having anymore, 7-9 months is totally doable, as is surgery.

I believe that our having to wait is a blessing because now I have that much more time with just the three of us before getting back into the game. I get another 7-9 months to enjoy family life with just the three of us and without the added stress of TTC, without the overwhelming urge to pull out OPKs and HPTs. I'm okay with that. It isn't my decision, so it makes it easier to handle. I fully intend to enjoy the time away from it. Maybe by the time we get back in, I will be more ready emotionally and mentally than I was last week. Honestly, it didn't feel right last week. I didn't feel like our wait was done. It also didn't feel like our family building was done.

I think all of this is a blessing and a test. And I think we can pass this test with flying colors.