Surrogacy and Me

Last Thursday at work I had some down time between projects, so I hopped online to research surrogacy. I found a website that had example contracts between surrogates and intended families. Immediately upon reading it, I noticed that it said something about the surrogate's husband and the requirement of his signature. My potential surrogate, AD, has never been married or pregnant, which is why she and I wanted her to do it so badly. She has said the the past month and a half that this might be her only chance to experience pregnancy. Because we love each other so much, we wanted to do this for each other.

So next I looked up Texas state laws around it and if there was a requirement for the surrogate to be married. It didn't take me long to find out that no doctor will ever cycle a woman for surrogacy who has never been pregnant before. My heart totally fell. I forwarded the link to my husband and AD. All of us were bummed, but AD took it the hardest. She had wanted so very much to do this, and it pretty much ruined her night. She went home that night and closed herself up in her room away from everyone at her house. I felt so bad when she told me that the next day. It was a huge let down for all of us.

I fully intend to do something nice for her for being so sincere in her desire to help us out.

That doesn't mean our hopes of having a surrogate are out the window if we decide to go that route though. I have another best friend who was pregnant at the same time as me. In fact, that was how we met and became friends. She gave birth to her second son two weeks before I gave birth to Baby Bean. The same day AD offered to surrogate, so did JM. She has offered all along, and has never revoked the offer. When she found out AD couldn't surrogate, she was at my desk less than a nano second later offering up her womb. It is something we are both thinking seriously about.

One thing I have found on this journey is that I must be as good of a person as I always mean to be. Everyone who knows of this situation has said they don't want me to do it. I have seen so many people cry over the thought of the worst case situation. I have had many blog friends leave me comments or send me emails telling me this makes them cry. They cry with me because I'm going through it, and they cry because they don't want to lose me. I am astounded that I have touched so many lives so deeply. God sent all of you and them to me to help me, and I know he sent me to help all of you. I don't think I have ever felt my worth more at any other time during my life than right now. Believe me, my feelings for everyone are completely mutual. I am sure that if the tables were turned, I would be saying the same things everyone has been saying to me.

This has been a rough ride, but I feel that the worst of it is behind me. I have decide that even if we do the surgery, I still don't have to make an immediate decision. It is easier for me to take things one day at a time, rather than waking up and saying I'm done one day. It has been really nice to take the pressure of myself. As soon as I made that choice, I was right back to my happy old self. This doesn't have to be immediate. I can take my time with it. I don't plan on changing my mind about that fact.

Mmmm...

Diet Co.ke.... *drools and hugs Diet Co.ke bottle*

See! There IS Good

Today I was at lunch with two of my best friends, and one of them ordered a Co.ke. It looked so good, but I have sworn off caffeine since I had my surgery in 2007 that positively diagnosed me with endometriosis and subsequently found out that caffeine contributes to its growth. The thing that still makes me sad to this day was I had a brand new 12 pack of frappuchinos (sorry mom and dad) sitting on my office floor when I found that out. I looked longingly at them and we had a moment to say our goodbyes. I then gave them all to a very grateful and excited coworker. Since that day, I can count the number of caffeinated beverages I've had on both hands.

I sat there looking at her drink, wishing I could just take a swig. Then it hit me, I'm about to have another endo clean out in the next couple of months. Dang that Co.ke looked good! So what did I do? I ordered one! I then said to my friends that since I was going to have another clean out, I was going to drink all the caffeine I wanted in the mean time! They both applauded, and one suggested we hit Sta.rbucks on our way back to work.

I am now sipping a CAFFEINATED Carmel frappuchino.

Oh mi amour, how I have missed you!

See, the news about my endo being back isn't ALL bad. ;)

Em Are I too

I am really missing the days before February 19th when my life was more predictable than it has been since then.

You know how I always say I think everything happens for a reason? Well, I now know that this second MRI was more significant than just getting a scan done. I went back in for my second MRI today with my bowels still gurgling and feeling put out by their quick cleaning. It made the tech laugh when I told her I hoped it wouldn't be a problem. I took everything in stride with the bowel prep and having to come back in. In fact, I thought it was all funny. I didn't mind one bit. To me, these are all really small things in a very big picture.

As I was being prepped to go into the tube again, the tech called the radiologist to have her come determine what images she wanted different from last time. The radiologist came in and asked me what exactly I was there for. When I told her she said she was glad she talked to me because she had been looking for something different. She had found that my endometriosis is back, and that I have new endometria growths. She also told my my ovaries are very cystic right now. And just when you thought you couldn't be shocked enough, she told me it looked to her as though my septum had even started to grow back. I was bug eyed. (Guess how rare it is for a septum to grow back. You got it!)

Everything I have been doing to prevent that stupid endo from coming back all of these years hasn't worked well enough. I can count on two hands the amount of caffeinated beverages I've had since I found out it contributes to endo grown. Oh well. What do you do?

When the radiologist asked why I was doing the scan and I informed her it was to fix the rupture so I could get pregnant again, she looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I said, "Everyone says that." Then we got into a discussion about how she had undergone IVF to get her first son. 9 months after he was born, she surprisingly got pregnant again on her own. During the birth of her second son, they had found that her uterus was paper thin, and she was lucky she hadn't ruptured. They told her at that time she couldn't have any more. She knows exactly where I'm coming from.

We continued to talk about how everything we had gone through was worth it. Then I looked her in the eye and asked if she were in my shoes, would she get pregnant again? She told me point blank, yes. Then she told me that if I felt any pelvic pain at all during my pregnancy to get straight to the hospital.

I couldn't believe it! Someone who has a really good idea of what I am going through. I was so glad I had to go back in today, because if I hadn't, I never would have met that woman, and I NEEDED to meet her.

After my scan was complete, I was shooting the breeze with the tech, who is 31 weeks pregnant. Come to find out, she was about to start injectibles to get pregnant when she got pregnant all on her own. So we sat there and talked about our journey's for a bit.

It was an incredible morning, and I drove out of that hospital knowing exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm going to have the surgery, and unless they find something that we don't already know about, I'm going to get pregnant one more time. I am.

Over the weekend, I also remembered when my OB consulted with a high risk OB after my daughter was born to ask him if he thought we would be okay, and he told her yes. He gave us the green light clear back then.

Yes, it would be really bad to get pregnant RIGHT NOW with this weak spot, but once it is repaired, our chances go back to what they were before we knew it was there.

The bottom line is that I HAVE to do this. I know this is right, and I feel it in my gut. I have felt it in my gut all along. I feel good about it. So hang on friends, cause this roller coaster is leaving the station!

Em Are I

Well the MRI experience was interesting, and is not quite finished.

I had my MRI yesterday, and I was there for a good long while. What I didn't mention to the tech, because I knew it would be an issue, is that I am claustrophobic. This wasn't my first MRI though, in fact I've had many (headaches). I usually go into the tube telling myself it is okay because they can pull me back out easily, and then I close my eyes. So the tech wrapped me in warm blankets, not knowing about my fear of small spaces, and into the tube I went.

I went about half way into the tube before I stopped. "No big deal; I can handle this," I thought. Then a few seconds I started moving into the tube again. Just as I was on the brink of claustrophobia, I stopped again. To keep from freaking out, I closed my eyes, and the test began. I could literally feel my muscles twitching from the magnets. Long story short, the radiologist ended up being in a procedure, and I ended up being in that tube for over an hour before the tech gave up waiting for them. By that time I had fallen asleep... during the scan even. With all of its loud knocks and clicks, I somehow managed to fall twitchely asleep.

More than two hours after I arrived, I was headed home, slightly dazed from being woken so abruptly from my nap. After arriving home, Hubs wasn't feeling good, so I packed Baby Bean into the car and went to the store to give him some peace and quite. While I was there, the tech called and said that they needed to me to come back on Sunday to redo the test because my bowls had been so full of poop that they couldn't get the info they needed. He told me to go to the pharmacy and ask for a bowel prep, to take it on Saturday, and come back Sunday morning. No problem.

It turns out you can't get bowel preps without a prescription. All of my doctor's offices were closed for the day. No problem. I'd call in the morning. Because my RE was out today, I called my primary care physician, told them what was going on, and had them order one up for me. My instructions were simple, start drinking 8 oz every 15 minutes starting at 4:00... and stay home for the rest of the night. I laughed and asked if I was going to need reading material. Yep!

Let me tell you, my idea of fun would never include a bowel prep! Not only is the job it does no fun, but it tastes like salt water. I have never in my life wanted a bidet before tonight. I understand why they would be nice now.

So tomorrow morning I go back in for another MRI, and hope that they get the info they need. The best part is they send me home with my scan on a disc. I can't wait to check it out and see my right follie all ready to ovulate. I know, I'm a total infertile.

My husband's favorite part of all this? "I love to tell you that they couldn't read your results because you were too full of crap." Thanks babe.

One thing I have learned this last week is that I am one in zillion. You may know someone who looks like me, has the same mannerisms as me, and thinks like me. You can tell me I'm just like someone you know, but I have found that your chances of winning the lottery are exponentially better than finding another person on this planet just like me. How do I know this? Because rupturing from a septum removal is almost unheard of, and because it is apparently really rare that someone's MRI test results cannot be read due to a full bowel, especially when they are looking at a uterus.

Go me! I AM the only one like me on this planet, and the only one like me who has ever lived on this planet. No sense in being like anyone else!

What Makes You Happy, Chelle?

Do you want to see and know what makes me happier than anything in this world? Then take a look below. This is my world, the light of my life, the reason for my existence.

I brought her into this world for him.
I love them both more than the air I breathe.

Heaven help us, for I WILL spoil this child.

God smiled on me when he put Friend in my path.
She couldn't love my daughter more than if she were her own.
She has been dubbed "Aunt Friend."
She is the one who would be my surrogate.

Could doing the dishes be any cuter?!

Seriously, it doesn't get any cuter than this.

If she is all I ever get, then thank God for giving me her.
I want nothing more from this life.

Waffles Anyone?

Today I spent all morning wanting to shout in God's face. I was angry. I was seething. Then at noon, I went to yoga and worked through some of my anger. My muscles were so tight, yoga was actually painful. It has never been painful before. Then I talked through things with a friend.

Between the yoga and talking, I had calmed down. I no longer wanted to shout at God and demand answers. I would still like to have a chat with him though.

By the end of the day I was back on the surgery train. There is a chance a rupture could occur, a great one, but there is also a chance it won't, a very small one, but a chance none the less.

This morning my new RE's office called with a time for my MRI. Did I mention yet I decided to do that? I figure the MRI will be the deciding factor. I'm not holding out hope... as in, at all. But I want to see what the MRI finds and what both RE's say after they have that in hand. Honestly? I think I'm screwed.

Then tonight I talked to my sister who went through two very high risk pregnancies due to pre-ecplampsia. She lost the battle in the first one, and lost her baby. But by the grace of God, she sailed through the second one, and now has a healthy, beautiful 3-year-old. Everyone told her not to get pregnant again after she lost her baby, but she did it anyway. So if anyone knows what I'm going through, its her.

I asked her to put herself in my shoes and tell me what she would do. It took her a while, but she said 95% is too high for her. Now, that is a 95% chance the embryo would implant in the scar tissue, not of a rupture. Last I heard, it was a 40% chance, but that might have changed. Dr. P wouldn't give me a percentage yesterday. My sister then told me she had a friend whose sister died from a uterine rupture.

Take a minute to gasp. I did.

All I could do was sit there. I said three times, "She did? She died? From a rupture?"

Of course my first thought was, "No way in hell can I go through with this!" My second thought was, "Friend will have to surrogate. She wants to so badly. I want this as badly as she does. I will call her and tell her it is time to research."

I tried to talk to Hubs about it tonight, but he is closed off emotionally to all of this, which doesn't help me. He says that it is all my decision, and he says that he doesn't want to have a say until I stop waffling. He says that he will support me with whatever I decide. In other words, he is zero help. I am on my own with this. And you know what? That sucks. A lot. But I don't want to get into that here.

I called Friend and told her what my sister said. She is still on board with being a surrogate. In fact, she sent me a text last night saying she bought super prenatals to show me how serious she is about doing this. We're going to get together on Saturday and start the ball rolling on information gathering. Neither of us is entering into this lightly (although it may seem like it on the blog). We both want this, but we're not stupid. We need to make sure this can work emotionally, physically, and financially.

I then looked up death by uterine rupture. Honestly, its scary, but somehow I'm not scared. Is that called stupidity? I'm sure anyone who has ruptured would say it is absolutely stupidity. What I found is that if I am in a hospital setting with immediate access to surgical facilities, things could be okay, and most likely would be. Yes, things will go wrong and there will be consequences if it happens, but it happens more often than people realize.

I want this so bad, but I don't know if I want this because it is what I am supposed to do, or if it is just because I want it and can't accept reality.

Am I willing to chance an immediate hysterectomy? Yes.
Am I willing to die? No.
Am I willing to let my child suffer the consequences of my actions? No.
What are the chances any of that could happen? Good.
So why can't I let this go?

I will wait until I get the MRI results back and hear from both doctors before deciding. That is what I am telling myself, and that is what I'm going with. Until then, I need to think about other things because there is nothing I can do about any of this right now. So until that appointment where I am read my first verdict, this will be my last post on this subject.

Infertile Anger

So this experience is something completely new to me, and I find that for the first time ever during our years of battling IF, I don't really want to talk about it. I find that I am imploding and shriveling up on myself with my emotions and thoughts. I am withdrawing. Trying to escape the reality of the situation. I just want to ignore all of this and pretend it didn't happen. I want to take The Red Pill and make it all go away.

I found out today I am famous in the Metroplex. I am 1 in a million. The case that doctors have heard about and wonder if they need to start issuing warnings to their patients. I can't even tell you how awesome that makes me feel. No really, it makes me feel awesomely shitty. The RE we saw this morning said he performs septum removals all of the time and has never seen a rupture occur because of it. Another doctor in the area called him: "I heard there was a patient who had a rupture after a septum removal. I just did one on a patient. Should I warn her that she may need a c-section just to be safe?" No. Why? Because this just doesn't happen. He tells all of his septum removal patients to labor normally.

Why am I that person? Why?

Today I am angry. I am so unbelievably angry. I don't understand why I am here.

My prognosis is bad. Bad all around. The location of my rupture is near the top back side of the uterus. Guess where babies implant 95% of the time? You got it! I have a 95% chance of an embryo implanting in the rupture scar tissue.

Do you know what my RE told me when I asked him how we act proactively if we do get pregnant? He told me to pray. He told me if we get pregnant, it is in God's hands. There is nothing that we can do but pray.

There is nothing that can be done that will make a pregnancy anything but extremely high risk. NOTHING.

He told me I might know when I rupture, and I might not. I might not feel a thing, and so would go about my day with my baby bleeding out inside me, and then bleed internally myself, completely oblivious to the problem.

He told me that if I got pregnant, I would be in the hospital with every little twinge, wondering, fearing for the worst.

Today, I am mad with God. I don't understand. Why does He give babies to people who abuse them and kill them, but then denies me? My daughter will want for nothing. Yet He sees fit to deliver His children to crack addicts. I don't understand that, and I NEVER will.

I'm being realistic in regard to my second opinion. It won't be any different. It will be the same. It is just to reiterate what the RE said today.

If we go forward with the surgery, it will be worse than a c-section and comes with a 3-6 week recovery time. The look on my PM's face when I told him that was exactly what I expected. He is tired of all of this. He told me that I need to not be selfish and not go forward with this. That I need to think about my family, and especially my daughter. Everyone tells me to count my lucky stars that I have my daughter. To them, this is all black and white. To me, it is very grey. I was put here for a purpose, and one that I cannot fulfill. I can't provide my husband with the 4-5 children he wanted. I can't provide my daughter with a sibling. They see me going forward as selfish. I see me not going forward as failure.

Now you can see why I want to tuck this all away and pretend it never happened. But I can't. Hubs wants more children, and he made it clear tonight that we WILL get more children, even if they don't come from me. So NOT what I needed to hear tonight.

I talked to my BF after I got back to work this afternoon and we both just sat there and sobbed together as we talked about her being a surrogate for us. She is serious about it and wants to do it. I want her to do it. But I don't. If I was going to let anyone do it, it would be her. But I am not quite ready to start down that path. I need time to grieve this loss. To come to terms with it and move on from it.

Right now, I just want to tell myself my daughter is all I will ever have and move on with my life. I picked her up from daycare and she ran to me, squealing, and holding her arms out for me to pick her up. My heart melted and I whispered in her ear, "If you are all I ever get, then I will be happy. At least I have you."

At least I have her.

So that is where I am right now. Shriveling up like a prune, shutting off, and pulling away. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to move on and forget any of this ever happened.

Quick Update

I only have a few seconds to update before I head out to the installation site.

We saw the RE today, and basically our outlook isn't good. All I can say is right now I am wondering what the hell I do. My instincts have already led me astray, and a pregnancy could be extremely risky. Not new news, but not better news either.

I'll update more tonight.

ICLW Introduction

Hello and welcome to all of you folks here for ICLW! I haven't participated on this blog the last couple of months due to life being too overwhelming, but I am happy to be back in the reading and commenting marathon this month!

I will now provide you all with a Rea.ders Dig.est version of my journey through infertility.

In 2004 I met the love of my life. One year and 2.5 months later, we were married. We originally wanted to wait a year before embarking on baby making, but 6 months in, that plan was tossed out the door as I had a very irregular cycle in which I spotted and bled for two weeks. At the time I thought I had miscarried. In retrospect, it was an anovulatory cycle. A couple months later in November 2007, I stepped foot in the infertility clinic for the first time.

My initial diagnosis was that I wasn't ovulating on my own, so I was started out with the usual ch.lomid and timed intercourse for three months. Then we went onto injectibles with ch.lomid. We were forced to take a couple of cycles off here and there, usually due to overstimulation of my ovaries, but for the most part we gritted our teeth and kept going month after month. Before we knew it, we had been doing treatments for a year.

It was by chance on a Sunday that it was my doctor's day off, and I ended up going in for a follie scan with the doctor on call, who happened to be the doctor above mine and was teaching mine the infertility specialist ropes. Long story short, he was upset when he found out what she had been doing to me because she had ignored what he had told her to do, which was why my cycles were so messed up. After that day I was under his care, and that cycle turned into an IUI, which was unsuccessful.

After the IUI failed, I opted for a laparoscopy (something my previous doctor had NEVER mentioned). It revealed I had moderate and extensive endometriosis, PCOS, and a septated uterus. The endo was removed, my ovaries were drilled, and my septum removed.

A few months later my husband and I decided to move to his home state, Texas. I got a job that relocated us and we put our baby making on hold while we got situated. Two and a half months into my job I went to see a doctor here because my weird annovulatory cycle had returned (most likely due to stress) and my husband wanted to pick up treatments again. The first time I met my doctor, she made me take a pregnancy test... that came back positive.

Nine months later our beautiful little Baby Bean was born.

I always hoped that I would be one of those infertiles who fights the good fight, gets the baby, and then goes on to easily have more babies without having to fight the good fight again. I should have known better.

It was during my c-section that our next hurdle was discovered. Due to the removal of my uterine septum, Baby Bean's placenta had implanted into the scar tissue left behind. During my pregnancy, my contractions forced her placenta through the uterine muscle. On the day she was born, my doctor removed her placenta, which tore the uterine lining the rest of the way and resulted in a uterine rupture. We were told we would be able to try for more children, but that we had to wait at least a year to let the rupture heal, and then were informed our future pregnancies would be extremely high risk.

Last month I went to have my IUD removed so we could get back at TTC again. I'm not a young woman, and my clock is ticking. My husband and I always wanted 2-3 children, so we knew time was of the essence when it came to getting back into the game.

To be on the safe side, my doctor ordered a sono to check the scar tissue. The sono revealed the rupture had not healed the way we would have liked and made my chances of a rupture during pregnancy too high to risk. (To read more about that day, see this post.) Meaning it could split open and leak the baby into my abdominal cavity. The baby would most likely die, and I would have some serious issues of my own.

We are currently seeking surgery, which will greatly decrease the chances of a rupture, but we have been told we are still at a 40% risk. We have an appointment with an RE on Tuesday to discuss our surgical options and pregnancy risks after the surgery. We are also seeking a second opinion from an RE at the May.o Clinic in April. We are just hoping for better answers and options, but we know what we are up against is very risky. The bottom line for me is that I want another child badly enough that I am willing to fight this fight. I just have to pray I win.

So there you have it, my struggles in a nut shell. Thanks for stopping by, and I hope to make it to your blog soon!

Thanks Friends!

I just wanted to write a quick post to say thanks to everyone for your love and support through all of this craziness. It means the world to me and helps buoy me up during the rough moments.

Happily, I am doing much better today. My husband found airline tickets to MN for HALF as much as I did, so we booked them. It went from $650 to $318 total. :D That helped my attitude a lot. We also discussed what we are and aren't willing to do. Like we aren't willing to go to MN more than twice: once for the consult and once for surgery. So we're hoping if we go that route for surgery and they determine they need more testing, we can either do the testing here or maybe have it done up there in the couple days before surgery.

Also, Nikxy sent me a great email that helped take the sting out of the phone call with the clinic the other day. She told me that they might not be able to do a phone consult or let us know up front what testing we need for legal reasons. Kind of like CYA. So maybe I'm not just a number to this doctor, and maybe she IS compassionate, she just can't help me out in the way I would like right now. To help get me out of the bog, I'm going with that. It gives me back hope. Thanks Nixy for the email. I needed it and appreciate it so much!

Today is gorgeous here. It is supposed to be 72 degrees and sunny all day. My dogs are outside sun bathing instead of locked up in the house to keep them from getting muddy. Baby Bean gets to play on the outside playground at daycare. She LOVES being outside. She is definitely an outdoor girl. I am totally looking forward to this weekend and sleeping in and catching up from daylight savings. It is supposed to rain and get cold again this weekend, but I don't much care. I'm looking forward to spending time with Baby Bean and Hubs.

I hope you are all having a great Friday!

Have an Issue?

After yesterday's call to the May.o Clinic, I will be honest, I'm upset about the situation, so is my husband. The doctor has all of my records right there in her office. I don't understand how she thinks seeing me in person is going to change what tests she might think she needs to run. Even if she gives me an internal, she isn't going to find anything or see anything that isn't already in the records I sent her. Bottom line is, there should be ZERO reason she can't take a precursory glance at my charts and determine if she needs further testing. She just doesn't want to do it, and that makes me a little angry.

I understand she is a prestigious doctor working at a prestigious hospital, but her unwillingness to take 20 minutes to look at my charts tells me right off the bat I am nothing more than a number to her. It tells me she won't be a compassionate doctor. She can't be bothered. I understand that $1k is chump change compared to an entire infertility cycle, but this is money that doesn't have to be wasted.

I think the thing that frustrates me most is I feel like that black fog I left behind when I moved to Texas two years ago has creeped back into my life. The one where I was going through treatments and waiting for appointments and answers. The same one that made me feel like my life was in a holding pattern. I'm there again, and I didn't want to be.

I was hoping for things to be easier this time around. I was hoping we would get clear cut answers and help where our problem is clear cut. We know exactly what needs to happen and exactly how it needs to be done. I don't need to chart. I don't need to figure out if/when I ovulate. I don't need injectables. I just need surgery. A simple surgery. There are no question marks in this equation, so the fact that the doctor has put them in there unnecessarily is getting to me.

I thought going to a prestigious institution would make things easier and I would get the help I needed right away, but instead it is turning out to be a frustrating hassle that adds stress and complications to my already complicated life. That is what is bothering me the most.

The sad thing is, I couldn't figure out why I had been so down the last few days. Its spring here. Its warm, sunny, and gorgeous. I LOVE spring, and I especially LOVE the Easter holiday. So why was I feeling so blue? Why weren't the things that normally made me happy budging my blues? Then yesterday I realized that this whole IF thing is really bogging me down. I had tried to pin all of the blues on something else, but the reality is that this IF crap is the root of it all.

Hubs and I have decided to go to the appointment anyway, if for no other reason that peace of mind that we are in capable hands here in Texas. So, I'm trying to pull myself out of the bog and move on, but I'm finding it hard, despite my best efforts. I just keep telling myself things will turn around after my appointment next week with the RE here, and after the visit on the 9th.

If nothing else good comes out of going to MN, at least I will meet two fantastic blog friends IRL and get to spend some time with them. THAT alone will make it worth it.

Latest Update

I called the May.o Clinic today to ask if there was anyway we could do our initial consult with the RE over the phone or find out if we would need to do any testing so we could get it done while we are there on the 9th, but they told me no on all counts. :(

I have to admit I am a little bummed and put off. We are going to spend $1k just to fly out there for a 15 minute consult at this point. I hadn't put the numbers behind it until my husband brought it up, and then I realized that is a big chunk of change.

I guess all we can do is suck it up or not go, and since we want the best, we just have to suck it up. *heavy sigh*

So we will be flying out the morning of the 9th and back the next day. All I can say is I hope it is worth it and that she tells us what we want to hear so I don't have to be upset the trip will cost so much and that she wouldn't even look at my charts before we get there or do the initial consult over the phone.

Other than that my life is crazy insane lately. I am in over my head at work right now. I went on the installation and spent the whole day there yesterday, which I really didn't have time for but did anyway. I want to go back again before the week is over, but that all depends on how much I get done in the office. So between work and all of this IF jazz, I'm lucky I still have my head on.

I owe all of you guys some serious comments, and I am trying to keep up as best I can, but until things slow down at work, I just won't be able to be a 100% blogger. :( Please don't hate me. I still love all of you. I hope all is well with everyone and their cycles, pregnancies, or just daily life. I miss you all sooooo much.

As always, loads of love and hugs!

The Thing That Makes Me Most Happy

*****Warning*****

This post is a mooshy gooshy "I love being a mommy" post.

It has been a long time since I did a post about how much I love being a mom to the most beautiful little baby ever. (Yes, I realize all of you with babies think your baby is the most beautiful baby ever, but as my dad says, "There is only one 'most beautiful baby ever' and every mother has it.)

This beautiful little baby girl lights up my life.


I can't imagine my world without her in it. I love watching her grow and explore and learn new things every day.

I love that she has figured out how to blow kisses and says, "Bbbaaaaa!" as she blows them. I love that she waves her hand and says, "Hi!" when she greets people.

I love that she is curious about everything. I love that she is a little monkey in every sense of the word. She crawls all over the furniture, her parents, the dogs, anything and everything. She is starting to mimic sounds and I know she understands what they mean. For example, when she eats something tasty, she now goes, "Mmmmm!"


I love watching her eat things I used to eat all of the time while I was pregnant and recognizing them. I love that she loves spicy and sour food. I love that she is willing to try anything and everything, including the dirt when she was helping me plant seeds.

I love that she is the favorite with all of her teachers at daycare. I love it when her teacher says things like, "I wish I had taken you home with me over the weekend because you would have made it all better." I love that complete strangers dote on her everywhere we go and tell me what a beautiful, happy baby she is.

I love that when I go to the store, I always get her something because I think about her all of the time and love giving her surprises. I love giving her a new toy and watching her tote it with her as she toddles around the house.

I love that she slowly walks to me from across the house and then runs the last two steps and almost leaps into my arms. I love the she nestles up to me and makes her little baby sounds as she gives me a snug.

I love cuddling up with her on the couch under a blanket and watching her favorite show, Y.o Ga.bba Ga.bba.

I love sharing my food and drinks with her.

I love that she loves the dogs. She giggles when they lick her. They let her climb all over them and tug their fur as they sit patiently looking to me for a "Good girl!"

Above all, I love watching her and her daddy together.



I could sit and watch them for hours. He is so in love with his baby girl, and she is just as much in love with him. You can see that he appreciates just how hard won she was. You can see in his face that he wants more just as badly as I do. All because this one is such a joy and a blessing.

We love being parents. We wouldn't trade it for all the money or traveling in the world.

I can't believe that so much love can fit in my heart. At times it feels like it will just explode out of my chest. Actually, most of the time.

I am glad I had to fight so hard to get here because it makes me appreciate having her here so much more than I know I would have. All of the waiting taught me patience. It taught me to not take my fertility for granted, and therefore, not to take my daughter for granted. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't thank God for this gift.

I would do it all again... and I will.....

Cr-ap

So you know how I got my initial appointment all booked with the May.o Clinic? Well Friday night I was all excited to get home and start booking plane tickets and hotel rooms when my husband remembers our neighbor and good friend is getting married the next day.

Shiiiiiizzzz.

I told him surely he would understand why we weren't there, but Hubs says I need to move my appointment back to the next week. He says I've waited this long, what's another week?

Ummm... IT'S ANOTHER WEEK! I wanna get this ball rolling NOW!

I might see if I can still talk him into going on the 2th because Leah reminded me that the 2th is Good Friday, which means I will already have work off, which means I won't have to use vacation hours, which we could use another time to go on vacation like Hubs has been talking about.

Surely our neighbor will understand. Plus that is two heads they no longer have to feed and pay for.

Grrr. Why isn't anything ever easy? Where did I put my damn Easy button? Has anyone seen it?

P.S. I wrote this blog at almost midnight while under the influence of cough syrup with co.dine. :D (In other words, don't judge me.)

***UPDATE***

Hubs brought up a good point tonight. He said he would be pretty upset if we fly clear out to the clinic for a 15 minute consult. He wants me to call the doctor tomorrow and have her call me back to discuss what this appointment will be for, if it is worth our time to fly out, and if we will be having any additional testing done at that time. If the latter is yes, then we need to determine how many days we will need to stay out there.

God bless the man, for he is my sanity and sense when my overly-excited brain doesn't work right.

A Little Perspective

I am going to apologize up front if this post offends anyone, but it is something I feel strongly about writing. If you get into it and decide it isn't for you, feel free to look away. I promise I won't feel bad if you don't.

There is one thing I have yet to understand about infertiles. Being one myself, I realize that not all of us take on the same perspective. As we all know, one of the reasons behind my blog is to help open people's eyes to the turmoil some of us face. Usually it is me talking to the fertile world about the infertile world. But today I want to talk to the infertile world about the infertile world. Yes, you read that right.

A cousin of mine and his wife tried for years and years to get pregnant with no success. They finally resolved themselves to living childless and adopted a niece of hers who needed a good, drug-free home. Then one day, around the time I got pregnant, she got pregnant too. They had been trying and had given up after 11 years (ELEVEN YEARS!). They didn't think they could or ever would get pregnant, so imagine their shock when they found out that she was. Of course everyone was unbelievably happy for them.

Now imagine M being so happy she is finally pregnant. Beaming with pride as she is finally able to feel the one thing she never thought she would. As she walks down the isle at the grocery store and loving rubs her belly and smiles, a woman glares at her. Another infertile. The glare does not go unnoticed, and M wonders what she ever did to that woman. Why did the woman feel the need to be unkind? Just because she is pregnant? But M worked so hard for that baby. She went through so much. If only that woman knew....

When I was going through infertility and promised it would never make me bitter, I would think of the possibilities behind each pregnant woman I came across. How did I know she didn't struggle for 11 years to get pregnant? How did I know she didn't go through 5 rounds of IVF to bear that belly? Was it fair of me to hate her not knowing what she had been through? And even if she didn't have to go through infertility to get pregnant, why should I hate her? Because she has what I want and don't have? That doesn't seem right or fair.

During my entire pregnancy I felt like I had to justify myself to prevent other infertiles from hating me, which I didn't feel was right. I went through hell to get my daughter. I deserved to be happy about my pregnancy. I had earned it. I felt like I should be supported and cheered on. I wanted to be the one that was looked on as a success story who gave hope to everyone else who still struggled. I never forgot about everyone else, my heart still broke for them, and I still prayed for them.

This is one aspect that don't look forward to if I do get pregnant again. I am going through a LOT to get pregnant again and bring another baby into this world, and while I know it is hard for some of us infertiles to share in that joy, I don't think I should feel bad about being pregnant. Especially where my pregnancy will be so extremely high risk. I have to enjoy each and every second while praying nothing goes wrong.

Now, that isn't to say I feel that all women deserve to be pregnant. There are occasions where I glare at pregnant women. Like the ones who openly smoke, drink, or do drugs. Or the kind who do it to keep a man. They aren't getting pregnant because they want to be mothers. They are doing it for purely selfish reasons, and once that child is born, it will be a burden and treated as such. Plus we have all known women who could care less about being pregnant, complain the whole time, miss the fact about how pregnancy and motherhood is special, and could care less about the baby after it is born. Feel free to glare openly at all of the above.

What I'm getting at is that I think it is important to not take our frustrations out on complete strangers and rain on their parade when we have no idea what they went through to get where they are. They may have tried 11 years for that baby, gone through years of infertility treatments, or are just plain glad their baby is still in the womb for one more day. I wish we could share in their joy rather than glare at them because of it.

The Gate Is Open!

I called the May.o Clinic today to verify that they had received my records and to see if the doctor had had a chance to look over them. Once again, it was a good thing I followed my instinct to call.

My records were transferred to a doctor in the RE department, and we now have an appointment on April 2!!!

I am giddy with excitement!

I am just praying that this doctor can help us and give us the answers we want and perform the surgery the way we hope is possible.

*fingers crossed!!!*

Leah and Tammy, see you in a couple weeks. :D

The Plan

This past week has been a crazy roller coaster ride and I can't wait to get off it at 5:00 tomorrow. "My restraint won't release! I want off!"

My plan for this weekend includes:

1. Grocery shopping with Baby Bean
2. Cleaning the house from top to bottom
3. Taking at least two naps
4. Snuggling with Hubs and Baby Bean
5. Vegging in a non-emotional state (isn't there a term for that?)

I didn't end up going on the installation today because I had a crazy wacked out highly emotional day yesterday that left me drained today. The last thing I wanted to do was go be hands on with heavy equipment in a situation where I would need to be even a little bit social and more interactive than I was willing to be. Bottom line: I just wasn't feeling it.

AF reared today, and I am happy and sad. Happy because I thought I might have messed up my cycle chart (because of break through bleeding) and ovulated later than I thought (which would have been a day Hubs and I did the BD), and so, could be pregnant. When I figured that out, I went into a panic. So when AF showed up today, I was glad. But I was also sad because it was a reminder that I am officially throwing cycles away and will be for some time yet. (My emotional day had nothing to do with freaking out over potentially being pregnant, although that didn't help.)

I still haven't heard from Dr. G. I figure I will give him until Monday before I call to follow up that he has been given my records. Our appointment with the RE here is Tuesday after next, but I feel nothing as far as that is concerned. My hopes aren't high that he will tell me anything different than he has already told me via my OB. However, if he doesn't, I will let him know I think he needs to go back to school and research new technologies. (Oops, did that sound bitter? Sorry about that. Chalk it up to PMS. [Where are my chocolate pills?])

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend in which I do everything mindlessly. It makes me feel better just thinking about it!

Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

Over the weekend I was blessed with the "Making Lemonade Out of Lemons" award by my very sweet and dear bloggy friend, Tammy at Tammy's Journey. Tammy has become very dear to my heart over the past year. She and her husband have struggled to become parents. They are about to embark on their first IVF cycle with donor embryos. I hope that the doctor at the May.o Clinic can help me if for no other reason than that she lives near there and I would get to meet her in person. Her blog is so sweet and sincere. If you don't already know her, which I know most of you do, I recommend getting to know her.


The rules of this award are:

1. Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
3. Link the nominees within your post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I don't think I will be able to nominate 10 people, and it isn't because I can't find 10, so much as it is already past my bed time and I will be going on an installation tomorrow, so I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed.

The bloggers who stick out the most to me when it comes to this topic are:

1. Journey Girl, from Donor Eggs Journey - If anyone deserves this award, its her. She has been through so much to achieve her dream of parenthood and she never gave up. She went to Thailand for donor eggs and an IVF cycle that were successful. She is currently in her second trimester and just found out they are having a boy! She is amazing and strong beyond words.
2. Leah, from Life According to Leah - Again, a woman very deserving of this award. After two failed IVF cycles she and her husband moved onto international adoption. Shortly after being approved, they got pregnant on their own. They are still moving forward with the adoption and are looking forward to having two very wanted children in their home.
3. Marla, From Marla'z Austin Journey - This girl always has a positive and upbeat attitude. Her posts always make me laugh. Even when life upsets her or throws her a curve ball, she is back on her feet before the beginning of the next sentence.
4. Single Infertile Female - This gal lays all of her cards out on the table and makes the best of what life has handed her. After getting less than awesome news, she was told to have babies soon or not at all. So even though she is single, she is embarking on motherhood so that she will not have to give up the dream of being a mother. She is tough as nails and hilarious to boot.
5. Justine, from Adventures in Dukeville - If there is anyone who has seen their life shattered into a million pieces and picked them all back up to make a better life for herself, its this woman. She is incredibly brave and strong, and she doesn't accept what people tell her she can and can't do. She is simply amazing.

Sorry to not spread more love, but as I said, it is now WAY past my bedtime. I hope that those of you have been awarded are the type to pass on the love, if not, no biggie. Just know that I love you enough to let you know.

Night folks!

Sweet Success

"Why didn't you just scan and email it or fax it over?" was the question my husband asked when I told him I went to my OB's office to personally hand them my request for release of medical records. I told him it was because I wanted to make sure they got all of the information I needed and only the information I needed so I didn't have to pay for extra pages ($25 for the first 20 pages and .25 cents for each additional page) that wouldn't do me any good. I also wanted to ask them in person to please expedite the release as quickly as possible so I could get them into the doctor at the Ma.yo Clinic faster.

It turns out, that was a wise decision.

I showed up this afternoon to find my file (all .75" of it) on the records desk. They were going to call the receptionist who had released my infertility files from my previous doctor (the one who removed the septum) to me last year because they were confused as to what was released. I cleared that up quickly, then explained what I needed, and asked if they could please expedite it quickly and why. The lady asked if I wanted her to do it right then. I told her that would be awesome. For the next 25 minutes she made copies and then had me go through them to make sure I had what I needed. I didn't, so together we searched through my file to find all of the necessary papers. When all was said and done, I asked her how much I owed her. She smiled and told me not to worry about it and to have a great day.

AWESOME!

I hadn't brought the first half of my medical records to work with me this morning because I didn't think there was a chance I could get the second half today, so before heading back to work, I swung by my house and picked them up. A couple of hours later, after I had had a chance to go through all of them and pull out what I thought the new doctor would need, I faxed them off with a note giving him the back story along with what we had already been told. I told him what we wanted to hear from him, and that if he didn't feel he could do it, to please refer us to someone he thought could. I then thanked him sincerely for his time up front and told him we hoped to see him soon.

I can't tell you how great it feels to make progress on this! It may be slow, but each item I can check off the list feels great. I just want to get this show on the road so I can get to my son already. Yes, I feel the next one will be a boy.

I still can't believe I am in this place. I told Hubs the other day that I naively thought that once I had the surgery three years ago, I would be one of those infertiles who was able to pop out kids after the struggle to the first one. (Can I go back in time and slap myself please?) All things considered, I'm doing really well with it. I've got my current hand of cards open, and I am slowly playing them, hoping I win the jackpot. I just made my move, and now it is God's turn.

Finding Hope

Thank you to everyone who helped suggest clinics and doctors to check out. I called the Ma.yo Clinic on Friday, and hopefully I will have some good news in the next week or so. I spent a lot of time on hold as the nurses consulted with the doctors there about my case, which I totally didn't mind. In the end they decided the best thing was to fax over my records and one of the doctors there is going to look over it and call me to let me know if he can help us out.

I really appreciated the fact that they are willing to review my history before telling me to fly on out for a consult. The nurse apologized for my being on hold for so long and explained it was because my case isn't something they run across very often... ahem, ever. I told her I didn't mind at all, and that I appreciated their help.

So right now, I just need to get my records released from my current doctor so I can get them sent over. If this time is anything like last time, I may be waiting a week or more for them, which is admittedly a little frustrating. Time is wasting away and there isn't much I can do about it. Perhaps I can ask one of the nurses to expedite my records. Although I think the wait would be more frustrating if I didn't already have an appointment with a specialist here on the 23rd.

The only thing that sucks about my appointment here is that I already know what he is going to tell us. I don't think his story will change much from the information he already relayed to us through my OB. I might, but I'm not holding my breath.

I intend to write a letter to the doctor at the Ma.yo Clinic and tell him what we are hoping he can do for us, which is to repair the rupture and leave as little scar tissue as possible, and also prevent embies from implanting into the scar tissue. With all of the medical technology these days, you can't tell me they can't put something over that scar tissue to keep an egg from implanting there.

As of right now, that is where everything stands. Waiting on getting my records faxed over to the new doctor and hoping he can help us. In the mean time, I need to relearn my infertile patience. Sorry I don't have more exciting news.

P.S. I am so very behind on blogs again. There just isn't enough time in the day to do everything I need and want to do. My work has been suffering with all of this infertility upset, and it didn't escape the notice of my PM. I hope to get caught up with everyone again soon!

The Very Long and Winding Road

It has become amazing to me just how much of my life the last four years has centered around an internal, reproductive organ about the size of my fist. How this little organ can cause so much pain and upset, yet bring so much joy. It is further amazing that this long and winding road we have already been on to achieve our dream of being parents is about to get even windier and even longer.

For the first time I am looking into taking measures that can be considered somewhat drastic to feel the sensations of being pregnant and bringing a child of my husband's and mine into the world once more. Yes, the ones I took to get to my daughter were drastic to some, but what we are looking at right now borders on shocking to the fertile world.

Last night I had a breakthrough moment, and not the kind where you go, "Ah ha! By jove, I think I've got it!" It was more like, "Oh please help me God. I can't do this alone." It left me as battered and torn as my sono did on the 19th. Sobbing, gasping for breath, trying to make sense of the shattered pieces of my life at my feet, wondering what the hell I was going to do now.

I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. The kind where you wonder if it is safe to press your eye liner pencil onto them for fear of them bursting forth the uncried tears. I felt like I had been laid out by a bulldozer. In addition to being incredibly tired and beat down, I now had to rethink my dream of bringing another child into the world. It is exhausting, and there are no easy answers.

All I know is that I want one more child of my own.

Today when I was in a dark moment, I remembered that I can still have more children, I just might not be the one to carry the pregnancy.

Daunting. Extremely daunting. And not something that can be thought over on an exhausted brain or in one day, week, or even month.

Tonight my husband reminded me once again what a wonderful, caring, loving man I married. When I told him I wanted us to really think about things, seriously pray about them, and come out united in our decision, he heard my very soul screaming beneath my pain.

He told me we are going to seek second and third opinions before I undergo surgery. I got excited and told him there were two centers in town I wanted to talk to. He told me he didn't want me to just look in our backyard, that I need to look at the country and the world. He isn't accepting what my doctor has already told us, or what the RE is going to tell us. He wants the best specialist on this surgery. He wants to prevent a rupture at all costs, and he doesn't accept the surgery my OB lined out as the only way to repair my broken organ. He knows how much this dream means to me.

The enormity of this situation is beyond my comprehension at this point.

So now I issue a call to all of my IF friends around the world. Do any of you know how to go about finding the best fertility specialist to repair a uterine rupture? I've never done this before and I have no idea where or how to start.

I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last three weeks. That I went from slightly ignorant bliss to this. I'm floored, to say the least. This is very major, and nothing we are entering into lightly. I thought my seat belt was already fastened tight, but I guess it wasn't tight enough. Hold on sugar, cause here we go!

Seriously Awesome

I wish I had posted this post earlier today, when I was in the moment, when the excitement was all around me and rushing through my veins. I wish I had posted it before 6:00 tonight when my whole outlook changed, and my desires versus what is wise was once again called into question. So in trying to be fair to my earlier self, I am going to post this in an attempt to regain some of that excitement.

I work for a company who designs, manufactures, installs, and maintains operating rooms. Not the little tools used like scalpels, but the show behind the show. In this company, I write all of the manuals that go with each product. The installation, service, and users manuals. Yep, I'm the person people who have to use those manuals hate and the person who everyone else is glad they don't have my job. But honestly, I love it. It is my calling in life. We all have to have something.

A few months ago the construction of a new hospital in my city was announced. Everyone in my company was hoping we would land the deal, if for no other reason than it is on our home turf.

We landed the deal.

Since the announcement, I have watched the site go from a tree-filled lot to a hospital building. It is still very much under construction and not slated to open until later this year. But here is where the excitement comes in. Over the next 6 weeks my company will be in the new hospital installing all of our equipment. Of course the whole company has been given the opportunity to see the new building and to attend an installation, if we so desire.

Being the person who writes the manuals on installation, I figured it might be a good thing if I actually not only saw an installation, but helped. I sent the PM a request to be to the installation of each of our products, and highlighted the ones I specifically wanted to attend. One of the rooms I requested to help with was the C-Section suites. Can you see where this is going?

If I ever get pregnant again, I will one day be wheeled down to one of those suites where my child will be born, hopefully after a nearly full term pregnancy and under a non-emergency situation. I want to look at that OR and know I helped install all of that equipment, and then to one day tell my child about it. How many people do you know who have an opportunity like that?

Even if I don't get to grace those ORs as an expectant mother, I will still enjoy knowing that I helped bring babies into the world.

A Positive Believer

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that when bad things happen, we need to find the good in the situation. If we don't take a lesson away from something negative, it only takes away from us. I didn't always think this way. I actually used to be a very negative person. It was somewhere around my junior year of high school that I realized just how much my negative attitude was affecting me, my ability to make friendships, and my outlook on life. I remember the days when I realized this and made a conscious effort to change from being a Negative Nelly to being a Positive Pollyanna. This attitude has done well for me ever since.

The first time I put my new attitude to the test was during my senior year of high school. I won't get into the details, but will say it had to do with a boy and an unhappy breakup. In my sad moments I pulled out all of the pieces of the relationship that were great along with all of the lessons I learned as well as how all of them helped form me into the person I was becoming.

The next time I was put to the test was during my early infertility treatment days. Sure, I could have become bogged down by each failed cycle. I could have let all of it best me and turn me into a bitter infertile who hated babies and pregnant women, but I refused. I never looked at a pregnant woman and hated her. I never had a hard time looking at a pregnant woman or a baby. I was always happy for her and basked in her blessing, all the while praying one day I would be in her shoes. The last thing I needed as an infertile was to harbor negative feelings outside of failed treatments.

When I got my less than stellar news a week and a half ago about not being able to be back at TTC again any time soon, I took my moment and let my grief run its course. All the while I had an eye toward getting back on my feet, finding the positive in the situation, and trying to find what I was supposed to take away from the experience. Friday was hell. Saturday was hell part 2. By Sunday the sun had started to come out. Over the next few days I slowly picked myself back up. I was grateful for all of my many, many blessings, and learning how to make the best of my situation. By Wednesday, I was back to being me.

What I took away during those few days was how very, very blessed I am. Besides the obvious, being my husband and Baby Bean, I found that God had taken care of me in ways I hadn't realized before that day. He had given me a softer place to land. He knew that day was coming long before I did, so He made sure I was in a place where I could handle the situation. By this I mean:

• I love where we live right now. This place feels like home. Moving here was the best decision we ever made.
• I love my job. I work with the most wonderful, kind, compassionate people who honestly care about each other. The sense of family in this company is astounding.
• I have never in my life had so many best girl friends so close by. My favorite was when they all got to meet each other at Baby Bean's birthday party.
• My blog has helped me reach out to so many wonderful women. I love "meeting" all of you and supporting you on your journey, and I am so happy to share mine with all of you.

During the dark moments after my sonogram, none of these things escaped my notice. And over the next few days I realized how much of a blessing my bad news was. I wasn't truly ready to be back in the game and I knew it. It didn't feel right. I felt like my wait wasn't over even before that day. I had some seriously cold feet. I also realized that my instincts were right. I can still try for more children. God didn't lead me astray. I just have to wait a little longer. And honestly, I kept thinking I just wanted more time focusing 100% on my daughter. I also learned that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

I have taken the positive out of this situation and used it to help make me a stronger, better person who is educated about the fight ahead.