Waffles Anyone?

Today I spent all morning wanting to shout in God's face. I was angry. I was seething. Then at noon, I went to yoga and worked through some of my anger. My muscles were so tight, yoga was actually painful. It has never been painful before. Then I talked through things with a friend.

Between the yoga and talking, I had calmed down. I no longer wanted to shout at God and demand answers. I would still like to have a chat with him though.

By the end of the day I was back on the surgery train. There is a chance a rupture could occur, a great one, but there is also a chance it won't, a very small one, but a chance none the less.

This morning my new RE's office called with a time for my MRI. Did I mention yet I decided to do that? I figure the MRI will be the deciding factor. I'm not holding out hope... as in, at all. But I want to see what the MRI finds and what both RE's say after they have that in hand. Honestly? I think I'm screwed.

Then tonight I talked to my sister who went through two very high risk pregnancies due to pre-ecplampsia. She lost the battle in the first one, and lost her baby. But by the grace of God, she sailed through the second one, and now has a healthy, beautiful 3-year-old. Everyone told her not to get pregnant again after she lost her baby, but she did it anyway. So if anyone knows what I'm going through, its her.

I asked her to put herself in my shoes and tell me what she would do. It took her a while, but she said 95% is too high for her. Now, that is a 95% chance the embryo would implant in the scar tissue, not of a rupture. Last I heard, it was a 40% chance, but that might have changed. Dr. P wouldn't give me a percentage yesterday. My sister then told me she had a friend whose sister died from a uterine rupture.

Take a minute to gasp. I did.

All I could do was sit there. I said three times, "She did? She died? From a rupture?"

Of course my first thought was, "No way in hell can I go through with this!" My second thought was, "Friend will have to surrogate. She wants to so badly. I want this as badly as she does. I will call her and tell her it is time to research."

I tried to talk to Hubs about it tonight, but he is closed off emotionally to all of this, which doesn't help me. He says that it is all my decision, and he says that he doesn't want to have a say until I stop waffling. He says that he will support me with whatever I decide. In other words, he is zero help. I am on my own with this. And you know what? That sucks. A lot. But I don't want to get into that here.

I called Friend and told her what my sister said. She is still on board with being a surrogate. In fact, she sent me a text last night saying she bought super prenatals to show me how serious she is about doing this. We're going to get together on Saturday and start the ball rolling on information gathering. Neither of us is entering into this lightly (although it may seem like it on the blog). We both want this, but we're not stupid. We need to make sure this can work emotionally, physically, and financially.

I then looked up death by uterine rupture. Honestly, its scary, but somehow I'm not scared. Is that called stupidity? I'm sure anyone who has ruptured would say it is absolutely stupidity. What I found is that if I am in a hospital setting with immediate access to surgical facilities, things could be okay, and most likely would be. Yes, things will go wrong and there will be consequences if it happens, but it happens more often than people realize.

I want this so bad, but I don't know if I want this because it is what I am supposed to do, or if it is just because I want it and can't accept reality.

Am I willing to chance an immediate hysterectomy? Yes.
Am I willing to die? No.
Am I willing to let my child suffer the consequences of my actions? No.
What are the chances any of that could happen? Good.
So why can't I let this go?

I will wait until I get the MRI results back and hear from both doctors before deciding. That is what I am telling myself, and that is what I'm going with. Until then, I need to think about other things because there is nothing I can do about any of this right now. So until that appointment where I am read my first verdict, this will be my last post on this subject.