Back In the Saddle

I cannot believe it has already been a year since the birth of Baby Bean, and 6 months since the insertion of my IUD. Where did the time go?! Seriously, how did I get here so fast?

I woke up this morning, thinking I had to drag my butt out of bed for another day of drudgery when I remembered what day it was. I must have been more excited than I thought because I was out of the house 15 minutes early. I was so early, I ended up having a half hour before my appointment, rather than the 15 minutes I normally would have had. So I went and got me some donuts before heading to the doctor.

I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I walked through the door to the doctor's office. It was so strange. Part of me was excited to be there, and part of me wasn't. All of my memories from sitting in that waiting room as a pregnant woman came flooding back like a tidal wave.

I sat down and waited to be called back. When I finally was, I was told that the sonographer had called in sick that morning, and so I wouldn't be having my sono. Imagine how much my heart sank when I had been waiting a full year for that scan! The nurse told me they were still going to take out my IUD, but that I would have to reschedule my sonogram. My emotions were all over the place. I had been looking forward to busting through the finish line and skipping out of that office with a huge green light over my head. Instead, I would have a yellow light, and the real finish line had been moved back the day of the race.

I sat in the exam room and waited for my doctor, wanting to ask questions I knew she would have no answers for until we did the scan. She came in, beaming and cheerful as always. I was so happy to see her. She was as excited for me to get my IUD out as I was. She wasted no time getting down to business and removing my short-time companion.

We then talked about what was ahead. This woman can make the end of the world seem like it is the best thing since sliced bread. I love her! She told me she was confident I was able to try for pregnancy again, but that I should give my body at least 2 months to re-regulate from the IUD. No prob, that was my plan anyway. She warned me of the risks again, told me my pregnancy would be extremely high risk and I would be watched like a hawk, but said that if this was something I really wanted to do, she would be here with me through all of it. I LOVE HER! I can't tell you how awesome it feels to have her by my side ready to go to battle with me so that I can try to bring a sibling into this world for my daughter. I am in such good hands.

So, the IUD is gone, and I am back in the TTC saddle. I am so excited. I'm not nervous or scared. I feel good about things, and that is the feeling I'm going with.

Here we go friends! Once AF rears next week, I'll be starting to chart and use OPKs to figure out if I still ovulate when I used to.

On a side note, Baby Bean's surgery went awesomely yesterday. It was a breeze. She was in and out with zero complication. She is doing awesome today, and you would never know she had surgery yesterday. That's my gal!

What Then?

The past few weeks I have been watching the counter in my sidebar slowly count down the days until my IUD removal when we will once again be back in the TTC saddle. When I first put that little guy up there, I was excited. I couldn't wait for it to get to zero. Then the last few weeks I realized I could wait, and for couple of reasons.

The first and biggest being that once it gets to zero, it means my daughter is a year old. Just like my pregnancy with her, I relish each and every moment we have together because I know she won't be a baby forever. I sometimes struggle with the fact that she will grow up. I just want to savor these minutes and make them last forever. It will all go by too quickly, just as the past 8.5 months have.

The second reason is that while I thought I was all on board with TTC #2, I realize I am kind of scared. I don't think it really, honestly sunk in with me what that entailed until the last couple of weeks, and now I'm in a bit of a panic mode, willing that counter to take its time. I don't know that I am ready to get back in that saddle. The one that takes the intimacy out of my relationship with my husband. The one that has me biting my fingernails as I wait for results on OPKs and HPTs. The one that has my brain solely focused on it and barely anything else most of my waking hours. I don't want the last one to steal from my time with my daughter.

On top of the stress just brought on by TTC, I now have the added bonus of worrying about the pregnancy. I get the pleasure of praying that I won't miscarry because the embryo implanted in the same scar tissue my daughter did. Along with that, I get to worry about if it does, will its placenta make its way through my uterine lining and implant in my bodily organs, resulting in potential death to the fetus as well as me. I also face a small chance of an immediate hysterectomy, eliminating the possibility of more children. I won't even go into the other fears that one alone brings on.

Then there is the fear of premature birth. I have already been told I will not carry to full term again. My future children (God willing) will be born early via c-section because of my uterine rupture. I just worry that the birth will be too premature. I don't wish all of the potential complications that come with prematurity on my child. I realize that many babies are born early and end up being just fine. I know of one in real life who was born at 26 weeks and is the most perfect, on track little girl.

Sometimes when I tell people what we will be up against, they ask if I am serious about wanting more. Do I really want this? Yes. I really want this. There is no question in my mind. I want it even more now that I am a mother to a perfect little girl, because I feel like this is the whole reason behind my existence, to bring my children into the world and take care of them, love them, and nurture them, no matter the cost to me.

I guess I didn't have to seriously start thinking about these things the last few months because there was so much time between the birth of my daughter and the removal of the IUD, but that time is slowly passing. The closer I get, the more I really realize just what I am up against. It was easier to say it could happen than to realize it all really could happen.

These are the thoughts that have been constantly going through my head lately. I don't know why, but I feel like it will be time to really think about this once that counter goes below three months. I've tried to bench the thoughts, and have done well up until now. Even now I'm not majorly stressing, but they are definitely making their way to the forefront more as the counter goes down.

There are just so many unknowns and "what ifs". All I know is that this is absolutely, positively what I want.

I Feel So Much Better

I feel like I go to the doctor a lot since Baby Bean was born. All for different reasons, yet all brought about by the same thing: giving birth. My visit yesterday was one that finally made me feel better instead of scared, frustrated, or still asking questions.

I had gone in because I was experiencing some intense pain my right side that I was sure was an ovarian cyst. It came on over the span of three days and happened to coincide with my putting in the first nu.va ri.ng. I was so sure that it was because of the birth control I came home after work on Thursday and took it out immediately. The pain was so intense I was actually limping when I walked because I couldn't straighten my leg out. I thought it was strange that birth control would cause a cyst, since that is usually what the doctor gives you to treat them. Thursday afternoon I made an appointment to get in to see my OB the next morning.

That night I was talking to Hubs, and of course being very emotional. All day all I could think about was that for the first time ever, I realize I am not in control of my reproductive organs. For once this is not me being dramatic. That I really do not have a good choice thanks to my endometriosis. I don't want to be on birth control. I really, really, really don't. I don't like who it makes me, I don't like all of the side effects that come with it, and I don't like the responsibility of having to remember to take it every day. But thanks to the endo, my only other choice is to take my chances that it won't grow back enough in the next year so as to prevent us from getting pregnant again and having to repeat my laparoscopy to get #2. Either way just plain SUCKS. I had every intention of discussing this with my doctor on Friday morning.

The next morning my doctor told me the pain I was experiencing was most likely related to the cesarean scar healing on the inside and that the fact it started at the same time I started the birth control was completely a coincidence. The location of it was also a coincidence, as it was right next to my ovary, leading her to believe there actually might be a cyst there. She ordered an immediate ultrasound so we could determine what we needed to do, if anything.

While I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come in, I was looking at all of the posters on the walls that showed ultrasound photos of babies during each month of pregnancy and remembering the last time I was in there was for my 3D ultrasound. I was absolutely aching to be pregnant again. I was also afraid I might not get to experience it again. But a strange calm came over me that said I would, and that if I didn't, at least I have Baby Bean. I found so much comfort in the latter that the former didn't matter. At least I have Baby Bean. I thank God every day for her.

During my examination, I watched the tech's face to see if she would give any nonverbal cues to what she was seeing. I got nothing. But after a few moments of looking around, she asked me if I was okay waiting there while she went to get my doctor. Normally I would be freaking out, fighting in vain to hold back tears as every horrible thing imaginable went through my head. No. I was calm. Everything is okay, I thought. I waited patiently for a few minutes until my doctor came in. She viewed the screen as the tech looked around again and said, "What is that?" Still, I didn't freak out. I know! Can you believe it?! I didn't freak out! Who is this woman?! My doctor's reply was, "Can you put it in color?" I should have been freaking out, but I wasn't.

Then my doctor told me there was a weird patch on my uterus. She said sometimes when the baby's placenta is detached it leaves remnants behind, but she didn't think that was what we were seeing. I asked if it was scar tissue or had anything to do with the rupture. Now here's the part I liked: she said the rupture was healing well and that the wall where she repaired it was nice and thick! I grinned. Who cares about weird patches, it sounds like I can breathe a hell of a lot easier when #2 is conceived!

Long story short, she doesn't know what the patch is, but she thinks it will be shed by my next monthly visit. She also told me to expect some break through bleeding this month. Boy was she right. Guess what I got this morning? Its like my visitor is here all over again a week after she left. That explains a LOT. The freaky thing is she said if it isn't gone by next month they are going to have to scrape it out. It WILL be gone! She also said I get to be birth control free this month and that I will be until we figure out what is going on. WOOHOO!!! Once we figure out what is going on, we have decided I will more than likely get an IUD that will suppress the endo and come without the majority of birth control symptoms. WOOHOO!!! She further said that ovulation typically resumes within 1-2 months of removal. WOOHOO!!!

So here is where I stand: I don't care about Strange Growth, it will go away on its own before next month. I am stoked I don't have to do birth control to suppress the endo. I am confident I will have a least one more, if not two more babies. I am feeling really dang good about things today. Finally!

Third Time's the Charm... To Freak Out

I've been going to the doctor lately to see if we can figure out why I am not only completely exhausted all of the time, but also to see if we can figure out why I keep having dizzy spells. The dizziness hits a few times a day and for no apparent reason. I can just be sitting and my desk and be overcome with a wave of dizziness. If I happen to be standing or walking when the wave hits, I inevitably lose my balance. Not such a great thing when I'm holding Baby Bean.

When I went to the doctor for the first time about it a couple of weeks ago, they ran a whole slew of blood work. It all came back completely normal. Of course it did. I knew it would, and that the answer wouldn't be that simple. However, it was at this appointment that the fear was put in me regarding baby #2. When I told the doctor about the uterine rupture she bombarded me with a whole slew of questions and seemed almost panicked. "Do you still have a uterus?! Did they fix the rupture?! Did they say if you could have more children?!" To the last I told her they said yes, but that we had to wait a year. Her response, "AT LEAST!" She then proceeded to tell me why (i.e., internal bleeding, potential death to both the baby and me, etc.). Okay, I knew my OB was serious when she was telling me these things, but I still thought everything would be fine when we next got pregnant. At this point I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and was starting to sweat because at that moment, I was already afraid I might be pg. Thank heaven I wasn't, but I didn't find out for sure until a week later (yes, I was freaked out for a WEEK!).

When all of the blood work came back normal from my first visit, I told the doctor about how I had concerns I may have a little heart problem based on some information passed on to me a couple of weeks earlier by my dad. She ordered up an ultrasound of my heart, but I opted to speak with the cardiologist first and then see what tests he wanted to run. That appointment was yesterday. I proceeded to give him my history and he asked if I had had any recent surgeries and what prompted my visit. When I told him about the uterine rupture he began asking the same slew of questions, only he didn't seem panicked. When I told him about the year-long wait, he struck the fear into me again. Telling me that if baby #2's placenta breaches the uterine wall, it could implant into my internal organs and that that kind of bleeding is really hard to stop, once again leading to death.

Today in my monthly review with my PM, I decided I had better fill him in a little bit about what is going on, since the exhaustion and dizziness occasionally affects my work, like it did yesterday when I had to ask if I could leave early. He jokingly asked if I was pregnant again, and I assured him I was not and proceeded to tell him what all three doctors had told me. He responded that my next pregnancy would be serious business and I had to weigh the risks and determine if it was something I was willing to take a chance on. I told him I absolutely was and that we would just hope and pray that everything turns out okay.

I have to admit, after having three different doctors tell me what I am now up against with #2, I'm a bit nervous. Am I willing to chance it? Yes. Undoubtedly yes. I feel like we'll be okay. I am in good hands with my doctors, and the hospital is a 5 minute drive from my house. I am, however, second guessing my desire to try again in a year. Hubs feels that we can start trying in a year because the doctors told us that was the minimum length of time we needed to wait, and if it should be longer, they would have said we needed to wait longer. So for now the plan is still to do the ring until January and then start trying for #2.

One thing I haven't mentioned to anyone yet is that at my 6-week post partum checkup my doctor informed me that the doctor who removed my uterine septum took too much of the wall out. I haven't told anyone that yet (not even my parents) because I am not sure how I feel about it. When she told me that, I became angry for the briefest of moments. "He messed up our chances of having more children! He didn't even ask us if we wanted to take it out. He just went ahead and did it!" But then I realized a split second into my mental tirade that even if he had asked us, we would have told him to take it out. He did the best he could. We did the best we could. We would have been in this same place no matter what. Infertility is a gamble all across the board. I have to remind myself of that fact every time I get that moment of anger. We all did the best we could.

In lighter news, I went and got my first "mom" hair cut tonight. I figured since all of my locks were falling out, I should just go get my hair cut to reduce the nightly ball of hair that collects in the shower drain. I am hoping that seeing a smaller ball will help ease the pain of seeing my hair come out by the handful. Besides which, this will make it look less silly when it all starts to grow back in, and I like cutting my hair once a year and watching it grow back out over the next 12 months. So I leave you with a somewhat cruddy picture of my new do (please be kind, it was taken at 10:00 p.m. I'm a tired woman!).

I just hope it looks better tomorrow when I can go at it with my straightening iron and get it to curl the way I want it to. I cut off about 8-10" tonight. Here's to another year of growing it out again!