What Then?

The past few weeks I have been watching the counter in my sidebar slowly count down the days until my IUD removal when we will once again be back in the TTC saddle. When I first put that little guy up there, I was excited. I couldn't wait for it to get to zero. Then the last few weeks I realized I could wait, and for couple of reasons.

The first and biggest being that once it gets to zero, it means my daughter is a year old. Just like my pregnancy with her, I relish each and every moment we have together because I know she won't be a baby forever. I sometimes struggle with the fact that she will grow up. I just want to savor these minutes and make them last forever. It will all go by too quickly, just as the past 8.5 months have.

The second reason is that while I thought I was all on board with TTC #2, I realize I am kind of scared. I don't think it really, honestly sunk in with me what that entailed until the last couple of weeks, and now I'm in a bit of a panic mode, willing that counter to take its time. I don't know that I am ready to get back in that saddle. The one that takes the intimacy out of my relationship with my husband. The one that has me biting my fingernails as I wait for results on OPKs and HPTs. The one that has my brain solely focused on it and barely anything else most of my waking hours. I don't want the last one to steal from my time with my daughter.

On top of the stress just brought on by TTC, I now have the added bonus of worrying about the pregnancy. I get the pleasure of praying that I won't miscarry because the embryo implanted in the same scar tissue my daughter did. Along with that, I get to worry about if it does, will its placenta make its way through my uterine lining and implant in my bodily organs, resulting in potential death to the fetus as well as me. I also face a small chance of an immediate hysterectomy, eliminating the possibility of more children. I won't even go into the other fears that one alone brings on.

Then there is the fear of premature birth. I have already been told I will not carry to full term again. My future children (God willing) will be born early via c-section because of my uterine rupture. I just worry that the birth will be too premature. I don't wish all of the potential complications that come with prematurity on my child. I realize that many babies are born early and end up being just fine. I know of one in real life who was born at 26 weeks and is the most perfect, on track little girl.

Sometimes when I tell people what we will be up against, they ask if I am serious about wanting more. Do I really want this? Yes. I really want this. There is no question in my mind. I want it even more now that I am a mother to a perfect little girl, because I feel like this is the whole reason behind my existence, to bring my children into the world and take care of them, love them, and nurture them, no matter the cost to me.

I guess I didn't have to seriously start thinking about these things the last few months because there was so much time between the birth of my daughter and the removal of the IUD, but that time is slowly passing. The closer I get, the more I really realize just what I am up against. It was easier to say it could happen than to realize it all really could happen.

These are the thoughts that have been constantly going through my head lately. I don't know why, but I feel like it will be time to really think about this once that counter goes below three months. I've tried to bench the thoughts, and have done well up until now. Even now I'm not majorly stressing, but they are definitely making their way to the forefront more as the counter goes down.

There are just so many unknowns and "what ifs". All I know is that this is absolutely, positively what I want.