Down the Hole

After this past week, I officially declare war on 2011. Seriously, this year has just gotten off to one great big bad start, and apparently it is going to keep on going that way for me because I keep getting slap after slap after slap. I'm not even talking about just my fertility here either.

I really feel like I have been dropped down a big hole and I keep falling further and further. Just like Alice. I wonder if in the non-Disney version she smacked into walls, tree roots, and other unpleasant things during her descent. I know I sure am. I feel like I am just taking a royal beating. Of course, I could feel really brow beaten right now because AF showed up today. I'm not disappointed I'm not pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be. I'm talking more about the fact that when AF shows, there is a shift in hormones.

Honestly though, I feel like I am in a dark place in my life and I can't shake it. God knows I'm trying. I'm trying everything. But I feel like for every one thing I do to help make myself feel better, I get two sucker punches to the gut. One to put me back in my place for trying, and the second to push me down even further.

Friday at work was definitely right up there with one of the worst days in my career at this company. I wish I could disclose any kind of details, but as my blog is only semi-anonymous, I feel like I can't say a word. And do you know what? That really SUCKS. Because blogging is my therapy, and all of you are my vindication. It has left me thinking about things and wondering how to handle them. It has definitely pushed my fertility woes to the back of my mind. That right there should tell you something.

Remember this picture?



I am wondering when the deuce I am ever going to get out from under this muddy wheel! I thought it was turning, and I was getting out of the mud, but nope. I am probably only a little to the right of that arrow right now.

I am tired. I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of trying. I've gotten to the point where all I want to do is lay around in bed. I don't, but I want to. Some days it is so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I just keep asking myself what do I need to do to change this? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm being ungrateful because heaven knows I feel so blessed to have the wonderful family I do. It isn't even that I want more, its more that I want to be happy, to put all of this mess behind me and move on with my life.

I feel like I am giving up. Like I am throwing in the towel. I just want to be done with all of this stress and pain and discontentment. I know from past experience when life gets like this, something somewhere has to give, and I know exactly what this time. Its time to throw my fertility under the bus. Forget about it. Let it go. It's also time to make some changes around here. I just need to find the energy to do it. I need to find a lasting inspiration somewhere, not the flash in the pan kind I've had lately.

I want to be happy again. I want to be on top of the wheel again. I want to be so happy I am afraid that the other shoe will drop. I want ridiculous amounts of happy energy to shoot out my finger tips.

Why do I write about all of this? Because I have a tendency to forget unpleasant things, which I am learning now can have some negative repercussions. Forgetting pain sets you up to have to go through it again and feeling like its the first time all over again. If we ever do get pregnant and have another baby, I want to be able to put baby making behind me once and for all afterward. I need posts like this to help remind me of just how painful this journey is, to remind me of the true cost. Not just the dollars and cents or the time invested, but the real, true emotional, social, psychological, and physical pain of TTC.

TTC sets my life in a downward spiral until I am discontent with way too much. At that point, so many aspects of my life have been soured to the point I need to move on from them because I can never fix them.

I don't even know what I want anymore outside of trying to get out of this stupid pit.

Game Over

Today I went back to see my RE. He wanted to make sure I didn't have any cysts developing this month, and the good news is I am all clear. He asked where I was in my cycle. 11dpo. I then told him it was already game over. AF isn't due until Saturday, but I started spotting yesterday. He then told me not to give up hope yet because he had a woman in there earlier this week who thought the same thing, and apparently she is pregnant. I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Don't try to give me false hope Dr. D. I've been at this game way too long to get my hopes up. It's Game Over."

He then told me that maybe I just need to back off for a while.

Whoa, wait a second, isn't this my RE?! Holy shnickies! I can't even tell you how much my respect for this man increased in that moment. I always felt in my heart he was in this business because he was passionate about helping couples become families, but you just never know when there are so many crooks out there. So him telling me maybe I needed to just give things a break for a bit further cemented my already glowing opinion of him. He really isn't in this for the money. He honestly loves what he does.

I laughed when he said that and told him I had been thinking the same thing, and I have. I am way too much in this game right now, and I need to back off. I then told him the only reason I was afraid to back off is because of the lining issue. It is apparent that isn't going to thicken without some help. I then told him I had started going to an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. I wish I could describe the smile on his face as he told me he was glad to hear it. He said he is all for acupuncture and tells all of his IVF patients to do it because he has personally seen it increase their success rates. He then told me he is considering going to school to learn acupuncture because he knows how beneficial it can be when it comes to TTC. He thinks it will definitely help with building the endometrium.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire and respect this man. Seriously.

At the end of the appointment he told me to come in on CD6 if my period shows (apparently he isn't as convinced as I am that AF is already here) and to hold off on the estrogen patches until after he sees me so that we can determine if the acupuncture is already helping. He is going to monitor me for the next couple of months and have me schedule my acupuncture appointments around certain events in my cycle, such as ovulation, because he knows it will help increase our chances.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I'm telling ya!

I can also attest to the fact that the acupuncture has already helped me stress less about all of this stuff. When I started spotting yesterday I thought, "Oh well. I really don't care. We'll try again next month." Holy crap!

Before I sign off for the night, I just had to share these pictures with everyone. Baby Bean and I went and got our birthday pictures taken a couple weekends ago, and they came in yesterday. The colors on the computer just cannot do them justice compared to the printed copies. The colors IRL are so vibrant and crisp. It was the third time I have used this photographer, and I just love him. He does such an awesome job. But let his work speak for his talents!

Oh Yeah, I'm There

First of all, I have to ask all of you who have ever done cycles if you have ever been put on pr.ome.trium. I started it Friday night, and took the first dose just before bed. I've been on progesterone before, but not pr.ome.trium. I am supposed to take it twice a day, and the pharmacist warned me that she was also taking it and that it always made her really tired, but she only had to take it once a day, so she wished me good luck. Thanks.

Saturday morning I took my second dose with breakfast, then headed out to go grocery shopping with Baby Bean. First we went to Cost.co, which is probably 7 or so miles from our house. We got in and out, and then on the way to the next store, I started to feel funny. Just a little tired, nothing big, so we soldiered on. About 5 minutes later I really started to feel it. Within another 5 minutes, I knew I was in trouble and needed to get my child home and out of the car I was driving ASAP. By the time I got home, my speech was slurred and I felt like I was on really heavy narcot.ics. I could barely move. It took everything I had to tell my husband what was going on and then make it to my bed where I crashed for hours. When I finally came to, I told my husband there is absolutely, positively NO WAY I can do that during a work day. OUT.OF.THE.QUESTION!

So my question now is, if you have ever been on it, were you supposed to do it twice a day? And if you have ever been on it, did you have similar side effects? Cause holy crap that was bad!

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I want to share a quote with all of you from the Making Babies book I read last week because I know once you read it, you will all say, "Oh yeah, I'm (have been) there." A bit of a side note, this quote is specifically about the luteal phase of the cycle.

"This can be the most anxiety-provoking part of your cycle, waiting to see if your period will com. Once ovulation has passed, the optimistic feelings and excess energy of the follicular phase diminish, and women tend to become pensive and reflective."

Apparently there is a science behind all of our feelings throughout our cycles. You know how once AF comes you feel like you just got punched in the gut but then you get over it and then are excited to try again a few days later? Well, according to this book that is because once AF shows your estrogen starts to build, and estrogen apparently "tends to put you in a positive frame of mind and increase your feelings of well-being." Who knew? So the more it builds, the more positive you feel. Then when you ovulate and it decreases and progesterone takes over, you start to feel a little less hopeful. I found that very interesting.

(Full book review coming up, I swear!)

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In closing, I would like anyone reading this blog to know that there are so many reasons I blog. One of the main reasons is that I like to share the information I have gleaned about infertility through my own battles. My line of thinking is that if I want to know this information, someone else out there does as well, so I put it out there in hopes that it will help someone else on their journey.


This blog is about helping.

If you happen across my blog, please keep that in mind. Also know that any of the blogs listed in my Favorite Blogs side bar are women I consider friends. I read their blogs, and as is the case more often than not, I have had some kind of contact with these women besides just leaving comments to one another. Yes, we do communicate outside of blogland. Occasionally we meet up, or just talk on the phone. So if you should hop from my blog to any of theirs, please, please be nice to them. Realize that they are my friends, and I am fiercely loyal. Please always remember that they are struggling and the last thing they need is added negativity in their lives. By all means, visit them, but show them some love and respect because they deserve nothing less.

Thank you,

Big Changes

There are some big changes going on in my house right now. Well, okay, not necessarily the house I live in, but my "body" house. After reading the Making Babies book, I have started to make some real changes. We're talking diet, homeopathy, and exercise. That book really opened my eyes up to the fact that part of the reason we're having such a hard time conceiving again might not be 100% because of my surgery, but rather because I haven't been doing what I need to to make my body conducive to housing a baby. I knew some stuff, but that book taught me so much more.

I started reading the book about a week and a half ago and finished it two nights ago. I have highlights and bookmarks all over the thing. It has prompted me to make some major changes, and some of them are not going to be cheap, much to the dismay and stress of my husband. But my way of thinking is these stupid synthetic hormones are going to do some long term damage to my body, so if I can get around using them, I'm going to do it! What good does it do me to go through so much to bring children into this world if the treatments could cause me to live a life full of pain, illness, or even an early death.

Last Saturday I went to our local organic food super market and raided the bulk food bins to create myself a very scrumptious seed, nut, and berry mix. Next I visited the supplement isle and grabbed some B12 and Omega 3 to go with my prenatals. Then I asked for a referral to an acupuncturist. It's time to get serious.

On Tuesday afternoon I visited a chiropractor who had been at a health fair my company had recently hosted. Our initial visit involved a chat about chiropractic history and ended with x-rays. A follow-up visit was scheduled for Thursday.

On Wednesday morning I went and met the fabulous Dr. A (aka Dr. Acupuncture). First we went over the reasons I was there and what I hoped to accomplish. Then I was told a bit about acupuncture and how it could help me followed by a wellness assessment in which everything I had already thought was confirmed: I am MESSED UP and in major need of help. Unfortunately, we spent the entire hour just discussing everything and Dr. A had another appointment after mine, but he asked me to come back in the afternoon for my first session, and I did.

The first session was very painless. The needles are so tiny. In most cases I could hear them pop going into my skin more than I could feel them. There were a couple of points that would send a ping or two through my nerves, but it wasn't bad at all. After the treatment he asked if I could come in again the next morning, stating that it is important to get the first few visits as close together as possible because it is so easy for the body to relapse. Because I am in this 100%, I scheduled my appointment.

My second session involved probably twice as many needles, electrotherapy, and cupping over my lower abdoment. Honestly, the eletcrotherapy was the weirdest and it made me laugh because it made me feel like I was having muscle spasms. The worst was my right leg. Because the right side of my body is so far off balance, it responds a little more strongly to the treatments. My right leg was tense through the entire electrotherapy session and at times felt like it was going to hop off the table. Luckily, I didn't have any bruising from the cupping. Dr. A asked me to come back in the next morning, so I scheduled again.

Thursday afternoon I went back to the chiropractor to follow up on my x-rays and was shocked with what I saw. My back leans so far to the left it almost looks like it is disformed. My spine should line up with the middle of my pelvic bone, and it certainly does not. I guess that explains why I always feel like I'm leaning to the left. Not only that, but my neck goes up and down in a straight line, where it should be in more of a "C" shape. After seeing those x-rays and learning how having a back out of alignment can cause nerve damage that in turn restricts blood flow to the body and can contribute to fertility issues its no freaking wonder I'm not getting pregnant! Needless to say, I am now on a care plan in which I go to see Dr. C three times a week for the next month.

This morning I went back in to see Dr. A. The session was on my back this time, where the first two times had been on my front. Like yesterday, it included acupuncture, eletrotherapy, and ended with cupping. While lying on the table, needles in my back, skin pulsing with electricity, I began to feel like I was lying skiwompus on the table. Kind of like I was leaning to the left.... Interesting. This time the cupping did leave bruises.

At the end of the session Dr. A presented me with a wellness plan that would take me through the next 5-6 months. Ideally, he wanted to see me three times a week for 3 weeks, then two times a week for 4 weeks, and then once a week from there on out. But when I saw how much he wanted to charge up front I told him I had to talk to my husband who was already upset at the amount of money I signed up to spend at the chiropractor. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to follow his plan, but between the money and time away from work, I just don't think I can swing it. I asked him if we could do twice a week, and he said he thought so, especially if I take the herbs he has already ordered for me, which should be in next week.

At the end of the day, I realize there isn't much I won't do to add one more to our family. I also realize that this is honestly the last time I am going to try. After we get our one more, I am done. This whole process is so difficult, emotionally and financially. As I think about only doing this once more and then living my life I feel excited at the prospect of leaving all of this mess and pain behind. I don't want to be held back by infertility anymore. If God sees fit to bless us with more on His own after I win this current battle, I will definitely welcome them. But I'm not going to fight like this again. There is too much life to live, and I am ready to be content.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

So much to write and so little time!

I will start out with a letter from my body.

Dear Chelle,

You don't know me. You don't own me. So please quit trying to figure me out so that I can quit thwarting your every move. My pitching arm is getting great at throwing you curve balls. Please learn this lesson already: you can't control anything I do, so stop!

Sincerely,
Your Body

I went in to see my RE last Thursday on CD9, and based on the fact that the readings on my Ov.acue were really low, I knew something was up. Something wasn't quite right. So I went in braced for disappointment. Unfortunately for me, my RE was working with a future RE in training, so I felt like my appointment was not for me. He inserted the ever friendly d-cam and started looking around while talking to Trainee. First he wanded over to my right follicle while failing to tell me if my lining was good or not, which I wanted to know because I had started the estrogen patches on CD6. Right away he found a gigantic cyst that looked be at least 15 times the size of a mature follicle. I kid you not, it was huge. Then he wanded over to the left ovary and found that I had multiple follicles, all at around 10mm. He then told me that I did not have a dominant follicle yet and handed the wand over to Trainee, all the while giving her my "interesting history."

At the end of their exam, he told me the cyst was a watch-and-see deal, but that there was a slim chance of it being chosen as the dominant follicle. He then said I should not worry that I didn't have a dominant follicle yet. Ha! On CD9 I know I should have a dominant follicle. Don't worry, my @$$! After I got dressed, I walked up to the front counter and called him over to ask why no dominant follicle had been chosen yet. He then told me that a dominant follicle is chosen when it is around 10mm, and I had a bunch of them.

I left the office feeling, once again, deflated and disappointed. SNAFU, that's me. If things are not SNAFU with me, something is wrong. If anything ever goes text book with me, something is wrong. The only thing predictable about my body is unpredictability.

Although as I drove back home, I started thinking about things and realizing that with "multiple" 10mm follicles, it could be possible I would produce more than one egg this month. I didn't mind the idea of having more than one chance at conception. However, the fact that the cyst could be The Chosen One was always present in the back of my mind.

I then spent the rest of the weekend keeping my mind on other things while knowing full well this would not be my cycle once again.

Sunday night (CD12) my monitor readings dropped, which means that my body is preparing for ovulation. I expected they would drop even further Monday night before spiking and confirming ovulation on Tuesday, or CD 14, which would be a new early ovulation record for me. Apparently my body had other plans.

When I took my reading Monday night (CD13), my monitor confirmed ovulation.

Wait. What?

I then spent the next hour on the Ov.acue website reading about secondary fertility, which occurs when more than one follicle matures and the one that had originally been chosen as the dominant follicle falls behind, and a secondary follicle takes over. In that case, I would have another LH surge and get another ovulation confirmation in a couple of days. I was convinced this was what was happening, as I have never ovulated so early since I started keeping track almost 5 years ago now.

This morning I went to the RE bright and early. I bombarded him with a billion questions I had come up with after reading my new book (more on that in a later post), and then we began the exam. In went the d-cam, and the sono commenced. First up was the left follicle, the one with all of the 10mm follies on Thursday. There was nothing. It was smooth as a baby's bottom. My heart sank. Then he moved over to the right. After looking for a second he said, "You have already ovulated."

Wait. What?!

"Your kit was right. You have already ovulated." He showed me the ruptured follicle and then went back to my lining, which he said was already showing leutinization, which means my progesterone had already taken over. (On a side note, I finally had an awesome lining! Woot! Woot!)

When I was checking out after the exam, I told Dr. D that if I had a dime for every time I left his office with this expression on my face :O I would be able to pay for all of my copays and prescriptions.

So, I am once again in a TWW. I don't have a lot of hope for this cycle still, as Hubs and I were supposed to do The Deed last night, but he had been sick with a fever for almost 24 hours and wasn't feeling up to it. I told Dr. D that, but he felt we still had a chance today, and so should try anyway. He also thinks we still have a good chance because we did our thing over the weekend too. I don't know. I had already written this cycle off, so I don't think it will be too crushing when AF shows up in 10 days.

In other exciting news, I get to start Prom.etrium on Friday, and am going to see an acupuncturist for the first time tomorrow morning. I promise to blog about that experience as well as tell you all about the book very soon.

Too Fast

This past week has been tumultuous and emotionally difficult, but not for the reasons you would think. I'll just sum it all up by saying I have had enough of puke, poop, and piddle not being in their appropriate places in my house. The puke belonged to my daughter, and the other two belonged to each of the respective dogs.

Hubs and I had been talking recently about when it was time to move Baby Bean into a toddler bed. I loved the idea of keeping her in her crib until she was able to climb out on her own, which is how my parents did it with all of their kids. But Hubs didn't like the idea of BB trying to scale the crib and falling on her head. I also liked the idea of keeping her in her crib as long as possible because I cannot bear the thought of my baby growing up!

This is one of those situations like a pregnancy test with me. Sometimes I have to just close my eyes and get it over with. So Saturday night, we converted BB's bed to a toddler bed.

I can't even begin to tell you how it wrenched my heart! The only other time I have cried so far about changing the bed is when we moved it down a setting for the first time. Once the bed was converted and BB was jumping on it, I cried. Great, big crocodile tears.

It seems like I tried forever to bring this little girl into my world, and she is growing up in the blink of an eye. Can't time just slow down a little bit? Does she really have to grow up so fast?

Getting into the Big Girl bed for the first time.

This smile broke the camera.

As if that weren't enough, I kid you not, right after that bed was set up, she took off her diaper and said she needed to go potty. So she ran down to the bathroom and waited for me to hoist her onto the toilet seat. This was the first time she had even hinted at wanting to use the toilet. I couldn't believe it. This is all seriously going way too fast.

That night after she went to bed, I ran to the store to buy her a step stool to get up into her bed, and a potty training potty. The next morning when she told me she needed to go potty, I took her upstairs and let her help me set up her new potty. I sat her on it, but of course nothing came out. Tonight, however, after I got her undressed to get in the bath, she said she needed to go potty. So I took her in, sat her down, and asked her if she was going to go potty. She said yes, and the next thing I know, she was actually going potty! I couldn't believe it! She went again after her bath.

BB's new potty.
(No, I did not take a picture of her next to her "accomplishment" like some TV stars do. This was just before she used it.)

THEN, as if all of that wasn't hard enough, my sister was finally able to bring her baby home from the NICU last week (which is awesome and exciting news and not the part that is hard), so I had to pull all of BB's clothes down from the attic to send to her. Of course everything needed to be sorted, washed, and then folded. So I had to come face to face with newborn and 3 month clothes that I thought were going to be up in the attic until I was happily pregnant. It tore my heart into a million tiny pieces as I folded the clean clothes and remembered BB wearing them. I wanted to cry and asked my husband if he thought we would ever have another one. He says he does. I think we will too. I just wish I knew when. And in a post for later this week I will explain to you all why I have no hope for this cycle. None. (I had a weird appt with my RE last Thursday; I go back on Tuesday, so stay tuned).

As usual, I don't want to leave my post on a down note, so I will provide you with some much requested gerbil footage. I tried to take pictures, but it is really difficult to get these little guys on camera yet. They are still pretty skittish and shy, and I don't think a flash would help ease them into their new home, so I took some video instead. (At about the minute and a half mark, you can hear them talking.) Enjoy!

Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary

Happy birthday Dudela! (Your pressie will be in the mail shortly.)

Happy anniversary mom and dad!

Sorry I am just now posting this. I love you all and hope you all had a great day.

Hope, Come On Down!

I am not a person who likes to feel down in the dumps for longer than is absolutely necessary. I try to remind myself during those unpleasant circumstances that life is meant to be enjoyed. We only get to live once, so it is important to make the most of our time here. Sure being down from time to time is unavoidable, but that doesn't mean I have to stay there and wallow forever.

I find that each month I don't get pregnant I fall further and further into the pit of infertility woes when AF arrives in lieu of a BFP. Each month is definitely harder to take than the last. I also find that it takes me longer to bounce back to being hopeful after each disappointment.

Yet, true to form, I always bounce back. Sometimes I just need to wallow for a bit. Sometimes talking to someone helps give me the hand I need to get back on my feet. And sometimes it comes from the most unexpected places.

This month the thing that buoyed me back up was finding a book.

Two nights ago I got onto my Kin.dle and for some reason decided to see if I could find the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (if you haven't read this book yet, DO!). I didn't really want or need it, even though I have lent out my copy once again (that book really gets around!). I was just curious to see if I could download it. It turns out, I can't, but I did find something else. I found a book called "Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program."

Because Kin.dle rocks my world, I was able to download a sample of the book, as my curiosity was piqued. It turns out the book is written by two RE's who believe in trying to help improve your fertility naturally and reserving treatments for only when it is truly, absolutely necessary, and even then, they try to get by on the smallest doses of synthetic hormones possible.

After reading the sample, I decided to give the book a try. It promised to address issues that included the exact problem I am having -- thickening my endometrium, but doing it naturally, rather than through estrogen patches. Knowing full well that adding synthetic hormones could wreak havoc on my body in the years to come, I am all for natural.

But I digress. The part of the book that helped restore some of my hope was when the author said only 6 in 10 couples who are actively trying to conceive will get pregnant within 6 months. 8 in 10 will get pregnant within 12 months. 9 in 10 will get pregnant within 18 months. It further stated that even normal fertile of couples only stand about a 20% chance of achieving pregnancy in any given month. It doesn't matter how much you try, your chances don't go up or down.

The author also said that studies show infertility is more stressful than having cancer. I had heard that before, but I had forgotten about it. I don't know about you, but when I read that, it's like a punch to the gut. What we are going through, ladies, is more stressful than having cancer. They have actually done studies on it! How is that for a little validation? It's no wonder we have such a hard time dealing with it.

At any rate, this book promises to increase your fertility within 3 months if you follow the program laid out for your type of infertility. I figure it is worth a shot. I haven't gotten very far into the book yet, so I won't give a review on it just yet. I want to see more on what it is all about first.

In closing, I would like to give an overview of my product reviews thus far. I hope some of you find them helpful.

Ova.cue Ferti.lity Monitor - I have to say I love this thing. However, I felt jipped because it is $250 for the monitor and oral sensor, and then it is an additional $100 for the vaginal sensor. What they don't tell you is that the monitor is basically useless without the vaginal sensor. So you think, "Great! It's only $250 and there are no strips necessary." The oral sensor can only tell you that a dominant follicle has been chosen and then it tries to predict when it thinks you will ovulate based on typical calculations (i.e., typically you will ovulate 7 days after the dominant follicle has been chosen). In other words, you would still need OPKs or something else to confirm ovulation. However, the vaginal sensor confirms ovulation because it detects the change from estrogen to progesterone, which indicates ovulation as occurred. So if you buy the whole shebang, it's awesome. If you're an obsessed worry wart like me, it's worth the money. You can find it on the Ov.acue website here. It is worth taking a look at.

Fer.tile CM - Unfortunately, I am unable to rate this product because the estrogen patches help me create an overabundance of CM. I did notice a slight increase the first month I used it, but the next month I was put on estrogen patches. If you think you could use a little boost in this area, give the product a try. It's relatively inexpensive, and what can it hurt? If you want to check it out, you can find it on this website.

The True Cost

Over the last month I have been coming face to face with the true fight I am in the middle of. The hope that had been restored to me by the doctors at the Mayo clinic last April has more than ebbed away into the dark abyss that is infertility. The hope that I had of being able to conceive quickly once we were cleared to try again in August has been crushed under the weight of a very heavy boot.

January was an incredibly painful month for me, leaving me feeling bitter and beat down. Trod on. Hurt in ways I didn't remember it was possible to hurt. Wondering if the rest of the year is going to follow suit.

I feel robbed.

There is no other way to say it.

I don't think people realize the true cost of infertility. I don't care if you are trying for your first, second, or third child. Infertility hurts, and it is robbing. It doesn't matter where you are in the process. Each month that results in a BFN is painful, but even more so when you are seeking any kind of assistance.

My husband tells me I need to just let go of all of the stress and anxiety because when it all comes down to it, there isn't anything I can do about it. Either it is going to happen, or it isn't. I understand that, but I also understand he is not an emotional woman who is robbed of her dignity twice a month when she is probed like an alien and while wearing an estrogen patch for 21+ days of the month. It is impossible to let it go when you have to go to such great lengths every month for the chance at winning the baby lottery. It is impossible to not get your hopes up just the tiniest bit during the TWW and feel horribly let down by your body and God when your period shows up at the end of it. More money flushed down the toilet. Another testament to your inability to do as nature intended.

I have been wondering why all of this is hitting me as hard as it is, and so I have done a lot of soul searching this past month. What I have come to determine is that while I have fought this battle once before, I am fighting in a completely different way this time.

The first time I was in this war against my body we were living in a temporary situation. It was our place holder while I got the professional experience I needed under my belt to make me marketable in Texas. I also worked in a job I hated. I only had one girl friend at the time, and she was already pregnant when we became friends. Add to that, I didn't know anyone else personally who was going through what I was. It was only after my surgery that I started to blog and found other women who were struggling like me.

This time, however, is completely different. We are in our permanent home. We're not going anywhere. I am in a job I love. I have girl friends all over the place, and more friends than I know what to do with. I have seen infertility touch many friends here in my real life. I have gone through infertility and gotten pregnant with many of my blog friends. My life here is permanent. I can't just walk away from it this time, and I don't want to.

Not only is my life different, the cause of my problems is different, and honestly, I don't think there is a lot of hope for fixing it this time. I have already done all that I can do. I've already had surgery, and while it fixed one problem, it created another. As Dr. D says, the surgery basically traumatized my uterus, and cutting out a piece has inhibited its ability to create enough estrogen. The only thing we can do to fix that is add estrogen, but we've seen how successful that has been the last two months.

To make it even more difficult, everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. No, it doesn't just seem like that. It IS that. Before I go on, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am so very happy for the women I am about to talk about. My husband always tells me that I should be happy for them because for some reason he thinks that because I hurt, it means I am not happy for them, which is completely wrong. I just feel left behind, and that hurts.

My best friend who went to Turkey for IVF last summer went back again at Christmas time for a FET. She just found out last week she is pregnant with twins. I am so incredibly happy for her, and I am so glad that her journey to pregnancy was not long and drawn out. I also know this will probably be her only pregnancy, so it is super important to help her enjoy every second of it. I am so, so happy for her. But I still hurt that we were trying together, and she has moved on.

On the same day she announced her pregnancy, which was days after I found out I wasn't pregnant even though AF was a week overdue, I got a text message from one of my best friends with a picture of his baby girl who was born that morning. I am so very happy for him. He is going to be a great daddy. But at the same time, it stung. Not only was I not pregnant, I had no idea when AF was going to show.

That night I tried to find solace in the blogs. The first blog I read was a pregnancy announcement. I broke down and cried.

At some point I prayed. I asked God in earnest if this was ever going to happen. He said yes. I asked him when. I asked him what I need to do. He said be patient. I had a conversation with God that night. I felt Him. I heard Him as if He were sitting there next to me.

Yet, I have days where I feel so forsaken. I feel mocked. My husband says that is not God. The voices who tell me I am mocked are the same voices who make my friends' pregnancies painful.

The true cost of this fight is incredible, its daunting. You lose your dignity first and foremost. It feels as though there is no one in this world who hasn't seen your hoo-ha. Then you lose your money in copays, prescriptions, and treatments. Next you lose your hope. But then you finally gain something, a new level of bitterness and anger you didn't know was possible. Then it's back to losing--friendships, relationships. You start to pull away as it becomes harder and harder to pretend you are who you used to be before you started to die inside. Then you gain weight, either from the stress or from the synthetic hormones, you pack on the pounds.

One of the harder aspects of this fight this time is watching myself die inside. Knowing that the person everyone here in Texas knew is changing. Knowing that they are going to see a different, sadder side of me. No longer happy-go-lucky every day. No longer bubbly and positive. But a shell.

Yes, I have my daughter. I am so beyond grateful. I am working so hard to keep this battle from affecting her. Don't for one second think that I haven't thought about all of the ways this could affect her. And don't for one second think that I am not grateful for her. That isn't what this is about. This is about building the family I always dreamed of.

When I ask myself why I can't just be happy with the one I have, it all comes down to the desires that God has placed in my heart. He built me with the very strong desire to bring children into this world. Everything on this planet is built that way. Multiply and replenish. Even though I already have one, I feel the urge to have more just as strongly as I did the first time. It never goes away. It never eases up.

It isn't that she isn't enough. It's that I feel like our family is not yet complete.

I keep telling myself, just one more and then I'm done. I mean that. Just one more and I will give up the fight. While I can be happy as a family of three if I have to, I know I can be happy as a family of four and call it good. Just one more and then I won't try again. I won't chart. I won't go see the Dr. I will just live my life. Just one more. Please God.

What do I have to do? How do I have to think? Do I have to hit rock bottom and then be crushed even further? I don't know how I am going to get through this this time. It was almost easier when I could get up and walk away last time. I mean, that's when we got pregnant; once I left it all behind. I can't do that this time. This time could cost me so much more than last time. There is a lot more riding on the line, and I can't just walk away from any of it.

I am so broken and tired. I wish that just once, this could come easily for me.

Just one more.

Shut In

Over the last couple of days most of the country has been blanketed by a freezing storm, and where we live has been no exception. It showed up here late Monday night and blew all through Tuesday morning. Knowing how bad it was all night long, we didn't even bother to try to get up for work the next morning. Even our heater decided to try to take the day off. We knew there would be no work on Tuesday, but we didn't realize there would be no leaving the house for the next few days because it simply has not gotten warm enough here to melt the ice off the roads, which is probably easily .5" thick or more and covers up to probably 85-90% of all road surfaces.

Of course, with Wednesday being Baby Bean's birthday, we didn't mind another day at home. I got up that morning as soon as she did, and rushed in to tell my sweet baby girl happy birthday. She gave me the biggest smile. She knew what day it was. I got her all dressed in her new, special birthday outfit (not to be confused with her birthday suit). We then headed downstairs and the fun began. All day long I would let her open a present here and there, right up until about an hour before bedtime. Of course, I let her stay up a bit late too. Her digs included a new white oak table (I didn't realize it didn't come with chairs [they have since been ordered and are on their way]), new clothes from grandma and grandpa, a savings account from the other grandma, new pots and pans for her kitchen, a hamster in a ball (not live), le.gos (from daddy), a magnetic toy where you pair the back halves of animals to the front, and some bathtub crayons.

We tried to brave the roads to take her out to dinner, but we had to stop at the grocery store first to pick up her birthday cake that I was supposed to pick up the night before. While we were there, we decided it would be best to buy food just in case we had to stay home again Thursday and Friday (staying home Thursday is looking most likely). BB LOVED her D.ora cake. We also let her pick out a gigantic mylar balloon, because I have been promising her one for her birthday for weeks.

After leaving the store, we decided we were done playing ice hockey with ourselves in the car and headed home instead of to dinner. We did order a pizza though, and were sure to give the delivery guy a decent tip. (Hey, we wouldn't have made him go out if we hadn't been followed home by a P.apa J.ohns delivery guy! Obviously he was out making deliveries, and we tipped well.)

Today was a great day spent at home, trying to keep warm, while basking in the love of and for our daughter on her special day. It has been so very sweet with only a tiny hint of heart ache at the thought of not being able to celebrate birthdays for siblings. I keep praying though, and we'll keep trying (btw, AF reared today). I am just so grateful we were blessed with Baby Bean and able to celebrate her arrival into our lives.

Here are a few photos from today. Just a heads up, my daughter is definitely her father's, as she runs away or hides from the camera. It is almost impossible to get a good picture of her, and when you do, it is pure luck! Enjoy!

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Bean!

Two years ago today was by far one of the most wonderful, happiest days of my life. The day I had dreamed of since I was a little girl myself. The day that was so hard won after years pain and sorrow. It was the day you came into my life. The day I realized the reason for my existence. The day I made the man I love most in this world a father. Nothing in this world can ever compare to that day.

This past year has been amazing beyond words as I watched you learn how to walk and then run. I watched your understanding of the English language and vocabulary grow by leaps and bounds. I saw the world through your wondering eyes as I taught you the names of everything around you. I have watched you grow in your love for everything in this world.

Every day it seems impossible to be able to love you more, yet I do, every day. I still look at you, afraid to close my eyes for even a second for fear that your being here has all been nothing more than a glorious dream. It has, but it is a real, live dream.

I thank God for you every moment of every day.

Sometimes I fear that my love for you will be too much. I hope that one day you will understand why and how I love you the way that I do.

At times I might not always be the best mother, but always know that I am giving it my everything. I am always striving to do my best for and by you, and I always will. I promise to get down and play with you every day of your childhood so that you can look back years from now and smile at the time we spent together while you were growing up. I promise to always be silly and crazy with you. You can always count on that.

I never wanted to grow up, and having you around brings out the child in me. I love doing for you all of the things I wish I had been able to do when I was a child, living out all of my childhood dreams with you. Not through you, but with you. There is nothing I love more than making you happy.

I love your little laugh. I love to make you laugh. I love to make you smile. I love to snuggle with you. I love to have conversations to you, even if I don't always understand exactly what you are saying. I love all of your adorable little mannerisms. I love the way you always say please, thank you, you're welcome, and bless you. I love your little squeals of excitement. I love the way you learn to comprehend what I tell you better and better every day. I love how excited you get over eating a piece of cheese or smarties or getting a pack of Sc.ooby Snacks. I love the way you turn my head to look at you when you're talking to me if I'm not looking at you. I love the way you shout "Mama!" and run to me when I pick you up from daycare. Above all, I love your sweet kisses and hugs.

I want you to know too, that I love you so much I want for you one of the best things I think I could ever give you, and that is a sibling. I grew up with siblings, and there is a joy like no other that only a brother or sister can give you. I hope and pray that one day I am able to provide you with this blessing. Ever since the day my baby brother came into the world, I have told him that he was my favorite gift from my mom and dad and from God. I hope that one day you will know that joy and love.

Baby girl, there has not been one day or one second since I found out I was pregnant with you almost three years ago that I thought you weren't worth everything I went through to get you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I am glad I never gave up, and that I never let the battle best me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the best thing your daddy ever gave me.

If I could give you just one thing from me, it would be for you to be able to look back on your childhood and say that you had the best mama ever. That you could remember all of the fun things we did together. That I was always here for you, and that I never left you when you needed me.

I look forward to watching you learn and grow even more in the next year. I look forward to making memories to last a lifetime.

I love you more than the sun and moon and all the stars in the sky. I love you more than the air that I breathe.

Happy birthday, sweet baby girl.