I am Not My Biggest Fan Today

I don't think I can count the number of times I have started off a blog post by saying I am soooo far behind on blogs. I don't really have an excuse as to why other than that I just haven't been feeling it, and so have allowed myself a bit of time to step away from everything blog. With that said, I am behind. That's all there is to it. Now onto a new post.

Last Friday I woke up happy knowing I was only a week away from AF, and only a few weeks away from trying for a baby. My bubble was burst very early on when I started to get cramps that day. I haven't had cramps since my surgery almost 3 years ago when all of my endo was ablated. It didn't take me but a nano-second to realize exactly why I was cramping. Remember this post just over 3 months ago where I said I was starting to drink caffeine again for the first time in 3 years? I'm pretty sure at some point on this blog I mentioned how stupid of me it was to start drinking it again because it could manifest as endo 3 months down the road.

In the years spanning from my first AF visit to my surgery in 2007, I would get cramps a full week before AF showed up. When she did show up, she would usually come with the kind of cramps that left me curled up in a ball, sobbing, and begging for a swift death. I'm serious. Nothing touched those cramps as far as medication was concerned. I just had to tough it out. It was brutal hell. Just ask anyone who witnessed them.

Well, it has been just over 3 months since I started drinking caffeine, and guess who is now paying for each and every sip? I have had cramps since last Friday and will continue to do so through this Friday and possibly all weekend. They are even the old kind where nothing helps, even this early in the game. I have taken meds a few times and it did jack to ease my pain. I even got a beautiful hormone-induced headache at work today that made breathing in and out painful, as each breath caused my head to throb as though I had just stood up too quickly. Again, pain meds don't touch these kinds of headaches, so I had to tough it out.

Already this cycle is going to be the worst I have had in 3 years. My girls hurt soooo much, I can't even tell you. I can tell when people are looking at them because it makes them hurt. I'm not sure if all of these hormones are a good or bad thing. Are they a sign of my fertility or a sign of my stupidness by drinking caffeine? Either way, I am braced for a ride similar to the rides I faced every month from the age of 14 all the way until I was 28.

Oh yeah, guess who else is visiting? The PMS Avenger. I've had to try really hard to keep her from kicking my own @$$ all day. She seriously wants to, but I keep telling her I am already in enough discomfort, I don't need a sore backside to go with it. Between fighting her off and dealing with everything else, I am wiped. (I have honestly been angry with myself all day.)

I am praying now more than ever that we get pregnant at the end of this month because these types of cycles are so brutal. So now in addition to wanting to get pregnant just to have another baby, I need to get pregnant to keep from having to deal with monster cycles while also being a mother. That's right, I haven't had a cycle like this since I had my baby. Is there a word that is the equivalent of brutal multiplied by 10?

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, and then this post is such a downer. I really do have some fun ones up my sleeve, but I just don't have the energy to do anything other than complain and lament the sentence I have passed on myself and the impending punishment.

Caffeine is OFF the menu again.

A Change of Plans

For the last 11 months all I wanted to do was get back in the TTC saddle. I didn't want to have to wait longer than a few months after Baby Bean's birth to start trying for our next child. Being a 30-year-old infertile with moderate endometriosis and PCOS means that time nor fertility are on my side. Hubs and I always wanted to have somewhere between 2-5 children. When we started trying for a baby back in 2006 and our dreams were met with an infertility clinic, I knew that our desire for a few children were not likely, especially as the months ticked away during our years of treatments.

After my surgery and during my pregnancy, I knew that in order to keep from being back in the infertility clinic, we would have to get our children in as close together as possible, or risk not being able to have more. My endo has been classified as moderate, which means it will come back sooner than I care to think about. So once my daughter was born and we learned of my uterine rupture, I was crushed. For six agonizing weeks post partum, we waited on tenterhooks to see if we would even be able to try for more children. When we were told we could, Hubs and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Then came the caveat. We had to wait at least a year before we were even allowed to think about trying.

It was kind of a bitter sweet moment. We were so happy we would be able to try again, but our plans of not waiting more than 6 months to start went out the window. I knew what Hubs was thinking, and he knew what I was thinking. Are we going to have to go through hell again to get another child because we had to wait? We both accepted what needed to be and did what we were told. I then had an IUD placed.

I was told the day of my daughter's birth that future pregnancies would be risky. My doctor actually recommended we not even try again, but neither Hubs nor I would accept that. At the six-week checkup, my doctor told me what I would be up against with future pregnancies. I cried a lot, but resolved that this was what I wanted to do, and I was willing to accept the consequences. I walked out of the appointment bawling. I actually had to sit in the exam room for 20 minutes after the doctor left to collect myself enough to walk out the door.

These past 11 months, I have said I didn't care about the consequences to ME. I DO care about the consequences to my child. Then last week I read an article about a mother who died during labor. He heart stopped and they pronounced her dead. They didn't know why she died. They rushed her to the OR for a c-section where the baby was also born dead. Miraculously, the baby started to breathe and scream. After he was taken to the NICU and they were putting the mother back together, she also miraculously started to breathe and came back to life.

Over the next few days, this story affected my resolve to jump right back into the crazy TTC ring. All of a sudden I realized what was really on the line. I have a fantastic husband and beautiful baby girl. What if my carelessness leaves them without a wife and mother? I am not ready to accept that consequence! The thought of leaving my child breaks my heart into pieces. How horrible that she would grow up without me and I would miss all of it!

Then one day I woke up and told myself I didn't have to jump right back in the saddle. The sense of calm that came over me is indescribable. I mulled over leaving the IUD in place for a bit longer, but that didn't feel right either. What felt right was getting the IUD out on the 4th, then taking a few months to let my body figure out how to work properly again while not preventing but also not actively trying, and then in a few months jumping back into the craziness of OPKS, CM, and temps. THAT felt right. It felt incredibly right.

How in the space of a few days did I go from anxiously chomping at the bit to get the IUD out to waiting a few months to actively TTC? Hubs says it is my job to be illogical. I told him to never underestimate a woman's intuition. He agreed. He also agrees with my plan. He really doesn't want to knock me up until August anyway so that the baby will be born in May, his birth month, since Baby Bean was born in my birth month.

So right now, I guess I feel like I am leaving things more in God's hands than I would have before. If we get pregnant right away, it was meant to be. If we have to be more proactive about it with the OPKs and such, then that is how it is supposed to be.

I'm still surprised at myself, but that is the plan for now. As Hubs says, it is my job to be illogical and change my mind for no reason at any time.

Naive? Who Me?

I have found that in the last two years my bitter infertile has been pushed to the back burner a bit. For obvious reasons, of course. As I stand at the beginning of a fresh new year, I find that I am filled with a hope I have not seen since Hubs and I first started TTC shortly after we were married.

This scares me.

Usually when Christmas and New Years are over, I get a bit of a case of the blues. As my dad always says after vacationsare over, "The money has been spent, the fun has been had, and now it's time to go home." All of that buildup and the excitement is let out like the air from a balloon. Its back to daily life.

However, I find this year I am still giddy like Christmas is still just right around the corner. In fact, I think it will fall on February 4th first thing in the morning. It comes in the form of a doctor appointment complete with the ever-so-friendly dildo cam, two sets of stirrups, and (hopefully) a speculum, but this time I can't wait for the date.

This too, scares me.

I had a dream the other night I went to this appointment only to be told by my doctor that my IUD would have to remain in for another month. I was so upset. I told her it had to come out because I had already bought the fertility pills, I had plans, and this was not part of them. I woke up completely upset only to realize it was only a dream.

I have a cupboard literally stocked of pregnancy tests and OPKs in preparation for the battle.

I think there are somewhere around 40+ OPKs and 8+ HPTs in there.

So why am I scared? Because I've been here once before and swore to never be here again. The silly naive girl who thinks, "I'll be pregnant in no time. I won't need all of these pregnancy tests and OPKs. I might go through a couple, but I'll have a bunch left over."

The infertile in me wants to slap me back into reality. I have no idea what state my endo is in currently. I have no idea how my rupture has healed. If it was up to me, I would have been trying for another baby shortly after my first was born because time is not on my side when it comes to building my family. Although, my MIL sent me an article that kind of made me feel better about having to wait. It talked about how it is best to put at least one year between each pregnancy for the health and survivability of the baby.

In the moments where my infertile wants to rattle me, it reminds me of exactly what I'm signing up for this time around too. It could be an easy pregnancy like the first, but then again, it might not. It is already high risk right out of the gate. I worry about making it to the 24th week when I will have an MRI that will determine the remaining length of the pregnancy. That isn't an "if," it is a fact.

I guess the point behind this post to me is to try to get my feet back on the ground. To get my head out of the clouds and to stop being so silly and naive. Yes, I get to TTC again, but I don't want to get my hopes too high about when it will happen, how long it will take, or what I might have to go through again.

I wish that I could be as silly and naive as so many women out there who get all upset when they have been trying to get pregnant for a whole 3-4 months with no success. I wish I could have my head in the clouds when and if I get that positive pregnancy test.

Chelle, this is reality calling you back to earth. Yes, it is okay to be excited to try for another baby, but please, for your sanity, keep your feet on the ground and your emotions in check. Thank you.

How Did I Miss THAT?

I got my charts from my previous doctor last night and immediately sought out my surgery results at the first possible chance after getting home. I was shocked to find two diagnosis that I don't remember discussing with my doctor in any of my post-op appointments. Under surgery diagnosis are the following:

• PCOS
• Endometriosis
• Uterine Septum
• Dialated Appendix

I don't remember him telling me I had PCOS. I remember him telling me my ovaries were slightly enlarged, but not getting the diagnosis of PCOS. WTF?! I am pretty sure I would have remembered that. Hubs says he remembers the doctor saying something about it the morning after my surgery when the doctor came to tell me what he had found, but I don't. I don't recall talking about it in any of my follow-up appointments either. My head was absolutely spinning.

The surgery notes are extensive and over three pages long. I don't recall discussing parts of it with my doctor, although I am sure we did. I hate that my memory of it all is so fuzzy, but I completely understand why. I was going through a lot at the time.

According to the notes from my doctor the endo was extensive. It sounds like it was all over the dang place. I was lead to believe it was only moderate. I can't believe how many places and where the notes say he found it and how much he removed. It is amazing the surgery worked at all. In reviewing the charts, I just don't see how a simple IUD is going to prevent me from landing back in the infertile chair in 6 months. I don't see how I will be able to get off without another lap.

After looking through those notes I realize Baby Bean is a bigger miracle than I thought before. She has always been a miracle to me. Some days it still feels sureal that I was pregnant with her and that she is here. I look at her with amazement and awe. I am so blessed.

I am freaking myself out right now. There is just so much going on. I am under such a huge amount of stress I just don't know how I can take it. I am so torn. I wanted those charts, but now I wonder if I should have left things alone. I already have too much on my plate as it is. But the bottom line is, I simply wasn't expecting what I found. I had hoped that I remembered things being worse than they were. I also asked for them a couple of weeks ago when my stress levels weren't so high and my feet were planted firmly on the ground.

Have I mentioned lately how wonderful dogs are? I'm sitting here stressing, on the verge of tears, and my little Sadie Dog came over to offer love and support. Those gentle brown eyes seem to say, "Its okay mom. I love you." as she lays her head on my lap for a few affectionate pats that require me to let go of some of this stress to return the love she so fully deserves.

I am okay.

My Procedure

I don't think I have posted on this blog yet about the surgery I underwent in October. I've talked about it, but never what it was for. As you may have guessed, it had to do with infertility.

When I was a teenager many of my doctors wanted to have me tested for endometriosis. Every time they would recommend the tests my heart would beat wildly and I would get scared. Perhaps I thought it was a death sentence? Each time I declined testing. I figured if I had it I would rather not know. I wasn't always the smartest teenager.

Edometriosis is when the entire lining of the uterus is not shed every month. The endometrial lining is normally located inside the uterus, but sometimes it ends up outside of it for whatever reason. Endometriosis can migrate to other parts of the body and in rare, extreme cases has even been found in the brain. Typically it is only located around the uterine area. While it is treatable, there is no known cure. The best way to halt its growth is to get pregnant. In some cases, however, it causes infertility, such as in my case. When this happens, doctors can go in and either cut out the tissue or cauterize it. However, removing the endometriosis is not a cure. It will grow back in time, and even grow back on the scar tissue from the surgery.

The surgery I underwent is called a laparoscopy. The point behind the procedure was so that the doctor could go in and see if he could identify the cause for my infertility problems. We were alomost positive I had endometriosis, and that the procedure would end up in an endometrial lining resection, which it did. It turned out I had moderate endometrosis, and most of it was around my ovaries. My doctor chose to cut out the tissue, rather than cauterizing it because of the extent of the endo. He felt cutting it out would slow its regrowth and give us better chances at conceiving.

While I was in surgery, my doctor also performed what is called ovarian drilling. This is where he pokes a few small holes in my ovaries with a laser to stimulate them to ovulate on their own every month. This procedure is usually reserved for women with polycystic ovaries (meaning they have cysts on their ovaries, which prevents ovulation), but mine were a little large and my doctor felt it was a good option for us. I'm not sure of the science behind ovarian drilling, but it has been proven to work.

Lastly, he removed a uterine septum that he felt could cause miscarriages if fertilized eggs tried to implant in it.

The real shock was in the recovery room after my surgery. As I was trying to fight off the anesthesia so I could see my husband, they told me that they had removed my appendix. My first thought was, "Did they do the wrong thing on me?!" Apparently it was pretty swollen and my doctor was afraid it would become a problem in the future. I was also told that because of the extent of my surgery my outpatient visit had turned into an overnight visit. My recovery time had gone from a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

The great news is that I am finally feeling much better and almost back to my normal self. I still get tired a little easily, but that is to be expected for the next couple months. I'm just glad cleaning the kitchen doesn't wipe me out anymore! I am really looking forward to this all being a distant memory.