The Skinny

So here is where things stand right now:

• I am in for an extremely high risk pregnancy. One that will be monitored very closely throughout.
• We have an appointment with an RE on March 23rd for our initial assessment. He is going to be the doctor to perform the surgery to fix the thin wall in my uterus. As I understand it, they are basically going to cut out the spot where the lining is thin, and then bring the two thicker sides together. We then hope that everything heals fine.
• I imagine the surgery will be akin to my c-section in the healing department. My doctor told me they would go in through my c-section incision to perform the surgery, which means be prepared to be spread again muscles!
• My doctor reviewed the surgery notes from the doctor who performed my laparoscopy, and she said she agrees with everything that he did, and that he did everything correctly. Not only that, but she said he did such a good job that I was able to carry a full-term pregnancy with Baby Bean even after she implanted in the scar tissue, which showed he had skill. So, I am back to not being able to be upset with him, although Hubs still is.
• The spot where the lining is thin is toward the middle back side of my uterus, which is where a baby CAN implant, but there is a possibility the baby won't implant there.
• If the baby does implant there, we are to buckle up and hold on for the ride of our lives, while bracing for an early term delivery. I will most likely end up in the hospital for an indeterminate length of my pregnancy to ensure the baby can be delivered as soon as possible should a rupture occur.
• If the baby implants lower, the protocol stays the same, but we are at a slightly lower risk for rupture. My symptoms will be monitored very closely, and I could end up in the hospital for an indeterminate amount of time to ensure the baby can be delivered as soon as possible should a rupture occur.
• If the baby implants in the scar tissue, I am not allowed to contract at all. Doing so could weaken the scar tissue and result in a rupture.
• If the baby implants lower, only light contractions will be allowed, but will be closely monitored.
• Should a rupture occur outside of a hospital setting, the baby will most likely bleed out before it can be saved. I could bleed out before getting to the hospital, but will bleed internally until such time I can be taken to surgery, not to mention all of the other things that will leak into my abdominal cavity in the meantime. Should this happen, I am looking at at scary situation including but not limited to immediate hysterectomy, blood transfusions, and death.

Much to the dismay of my doctor, I was giddy like a school girl when I told her we would press forward. I told her that my desire to bring another child into this world was great enough that I am willing to face those risks, and especially where the odds are in my favor. It broke my heart when I saw a tear well up in her eye as she told me she also knows that my desire to take care of my daughter and ensure that she always had a mother around was just as great, and that her ultimate goal is to keep me safe.

All I know right now, right here in this moment is that this is what I have to do. Maybe I'm being stupid and bull headed, but this is what feels right. The urge to go on is so strong.

I sincerely believe that everything in this life happens for a reason, and I always have. There are too many things that happen in life for them to be completely coincidental. I believe that last week had to happen to make me okay with the fact that we can't start TTC right now. Had I been told last week we would have to wait another 7-9 months, I would have been so upset. But because that happened and I faced not having anymore, 7-9 months is totally doable, as is surgery.

I believe that our having to wait is a blessing because now I have that much more time with just the three of us before getting back into the game. I get another 7-9 months to enjoy family life with just the three of us and without the added stress of TTC, without the overwhelming urge to pull out OPKs and HPTs. I'm okay with that. It isn't my decision, so it makes it easier to handle. I fully intend to enjoy the time away from it. Maybe by the time we get back in, I will be more ready emotionally and mentally than I was last week. Honestly, it didn't feel right last week. I didn't feel like our wait was done. It also didn't feel like our family building was done.

I think all of this is a blessing and a test. And I think we can pass this test with flying colors.

The Good News

I had my HSG this morning, and I am sure my doctor thinks I am a freak because I feel like the news she delivered to me was good. First of all, the HSG was not bad at all. I thought it was going to be worse. I didn't have any cramping and only very minor discomfort. Hurrah!

I was on needles and pins the whole time, watching the screen like a hawk, trying to determine if things were good or bad. Basically I have a section in my uterine wall that is 1/4 the thickness of the rest of the uterus. The space in the wall where this occurs isn't very big, but big enough to attempt a pregnancy without surgery is extremely risky and not advised.

Basically what we were told today is that if we want to get pregnant, we have to do surgery. Sweet. We're all for it. I've already made an appointment with the specialist for our initial consult. Unfortunately it isn't until the 23rd of next month, so more waiting. Isnt't that we infertiles are famous for anyway?

After the surgery I am still at a 40% risk of a rupture during pregnancy. We have been told what we are up against and how all of it would be handled should any of it occur. We're pretty much planning on me spending weeks, if not months, toward the end of the pregnancy in the hospital should I get knocked up. My doctor wishes we would choose not to move forward, but I excitedly (hence her thinking I'm crazy) told her we are going to do so anyway.

So right now things don't look any worse than they did a year ago, we've just had to add some time to our TTC #2 timeline, which I can absolutely deal with when my only other option is no more children. We're moving this wagon forward!

Also, if you haven't heard of Conc.ieve magazine, I seriously recommend looking into it. We were reading through it while we were waiting to be taken back for the HSG and it had some really great information as far as infertility TTC options, doctors, and clinics are concerned. It is geared toward us infertiles. I stole a copy to give to one of my friends and to get some info out of the back for another. I am going to get a subscription for sure, and probably send one to another friend.

I AM Grateful

Today I got the response I knew I would eventually get in regard to the possibility of not being able to have any more children. That is to say, the response that had no feeling behind it. The kind where the person is really telling you to suck it up and move on, rather than giving you the heartfelt canned response. I am sure you know which one I'm talking about: "At least you already have your daughter." I would expect that response from someone who didn't really know or care about me, but I got this from someone I considered to be a dear friend. I didn't even tell her about my news. She heard about it from someone else and approached me to ask me how I was doing. I'll be honest, it hurt.

She didn't even give me the chance to tell her I AM grateful that at least I have my daughter before she moved onto another subject. It took all I had to sit there and be polite.

Because of this, I feel like I need to put things into perspective for anyone who isn't or hasn't been where I am right now, just as I felt I needed to put infertility into perspective for the rest of the fertile world. I am doing this for me and every other woman who knows what I am going through right now.

For those of you still trying for #1, you know how strong that feeling and desire is to get just one baby? Well, after you get that one baby, that desire to get another one is equally as strong. It isn't that you don't appreciate the first one, or that you are ungrateful, it is that you have a desire, an internal drive to bring more offspring into the world. You know how you would and are doing everything you can to get #1? That drive is still there just as strong when it comes to #2, if not more so because now you know exactly what it is you a trying for.

This time you already have an attic full of baby clothes, toys, bouncy seats, car seats, bottles, etc. that you stored away after #1 so you could use it all again on #2. You lovingly put all of those things up there, along with your maternity clothes, all the while telling yourself it was okay to do so because you would get to use them again. You had to tell yourself that to keep the IF feelings at bay. To keep from hurting, you tell yourself that the precious moments in which those items were used will be repeated with a sibling for your baby. You put them up there while envisioning your first child entertaining your next child in that bouncy seat while wearing those shorts with those booties. You fold up your maternity pants and pack them away, promising to see them in a year or so, all the while praying you are right. That is the only way you can cope with hiding these items away, especially after fighting so hard to get to use them the first time.

Getting the news I got on Friday isn't a suck it up deal. It is the death of a dream. A dream I have had since I was a little girl. The one in which I would grow up, get married, and have three children. The one where I watch my children playing and fighting with their siblings. The one where I take my children to Dis.ney La.nd and they have a riding buddy for the roller coasters. It is the realization that my daughter might not have anyone to play board games with when all of her friends have to go home. It is the realization that I, as her mother, cannot give her the one thing I want more than anything for her because I had it growing up: SIBLINGS.

Whom will she seek out Christmas presents with? Whom will she wait for Santa with? Whom will she keep secrets with? Who will play on her playground with her when her friends can't come over?

I had a friend who was an only child growing up, and she always wished she had siblings. I learned not to wish mine away around her because it hurt her that I had what she wanted and would never have. I had friends and playmates at my house 24/7. Now that we are all grown up, we travel across the country to just see each other. We are a very close family.

Can you see why I would want that for my daughter? Can you see why this news is so devastating to me? In some ways, it is like a miscarriage for me. I know a miscarriage would be much more devastating, but this is still very devastating to me. It isn't just about me, it is about the childREN I can't give my husband, and the siblings I can't give my daughter. This is a major loss to us.

This has nothing to do with my not being grateful for what I have. I have said all along that my daughter is worth everything I went through to get her, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I mean that. My blog is a testament to just how much I love my darling baby girl. The last couple of days I have hugged her tighter, held her longer, kissed her more, made each second together count for twice as much, told her I love her more, and look lovingly at her more. She is probably feeling smothered because I already did those things in excess before Friday.

People tell me I can adopt or surrogate. I am all for adoption, but it isn't all for us. We looked into adoption when we were going through infertility, and it never felt right. Surrogacy is like walking a fine line. They are options, yes, but they aren't what I saw in my dream. I realize I have to accept reality and that my dream may have just been that, but I deserve to grieve the loss of it without it being minimized. Without being told in a not-so-nice way to suck it up and be grateful. I deserve as much sympathy as I would if I had miscarried, because the way I see things right now, I did lose my two babies. They were ripped from my grasp by a scalpel 2.5 years ago. Had that septum been left alone, I could have been pregnant long before now.

This is a death to me. It is a death in my heart and my head. I am having to lay to rest my dream of giving birth to three babies after I already went through years of infertility hell.

I only want one thing out of this post, and that is to put the word out to the rest of the world what women in my position are going through. If you have to give us canned responses, at least make them seem like they are from the heart. We're going through enough without heartless responses. Remember it is the same as a death to us. Treat it as you would any other announcement of loss, and if you can't give empathy, then please don't say anything at all.

Please Fasten Your Seatbelts

I scheduled my sonohystrogram today. I thought I couldn't schedule it soon enough, until I had done it, and then it made me sick to my stomach. I still don't know how I got back here. It was like making that appointment cemented the fact that I have just gotten back on this crazy ride. I thought to myself, "Here I go. Hang on for another Ride of Your Life." I just close my eyes and shake my head. I can't believe this is happening again. It still doesn't seem completely real, and the moments where it does seem real, it makes me angry.

I am so angry to be back here. I hate being here. I hate it. I never wanted to be back here, but here I am. I think how all of this stems from a few minutes in the OR a couple of years ago when my doctor made a decision for my husband and me. I wasn't angry about it until now. As my husband put it, he was a fertility doctor, he knew the risks behind what he was doing. He should have asked my husband before he cut. He should have made my husband aware of the potential risks. He should have not performed that procedure during that surgery because he had no idea what or how far he was cutting that day. As a fertility doctor, he should have known better and should have made a more informed decision after performing testing to determine how much he should take out instead of gauging by shining light through my uterus.

That moment has cost me my dream. That decision we did not make has cost us our children.

The thing that really makes me angry is I really have no idea what I am up against yet. I have an idea, but I don't know for sure and won't for some time. I need to get the sono done, maybe the MRI, and consult with at least three specialists before we feel we will be able to move forward. My husband wants second and third opinions.

This time isn't like last time at all. This isn't give me shots in the @$$ to stim and trigger follies. This is, "If this scar tissue lets go, you will bleed internally. Your baby may suffer brain damage if it doesn't die. You may have to have an immediate hysterectomy, and you may die."

Thanks Dr. Y. Thanks a lot.

I still can't get my head around this. I am trying my damnedest, but I am at a loss. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

What I found today is that if a rupture occurs not in a hospital setting, things will get ugly fast. It doesn't matter how fast the car or the ambulance go, things will go south with a quickness. So what if I end up staying in the hospital for months on end to ensure I am there in case of a rupture? (This is what I thought to myself today.) Then we get to pay the massive hospital bills for doing so. Laboring when a rupture is possible is not permissible. Contractions are not permissible. I contracted regularly starting toward the end of my second trimester with my daughter. More than 10 in an hour 24 hours a day.

There are so many questions, and no one has the answers. I want to know how the muscle was there the day my daughter was born, was brought together and stitched up, but isn't there now. Where did it go? How did this happen?

There is so much anger in our house over this whole thing. Hubs and I just can't believe we are going through this.

Right now I keep blogging just to get all of my thoughts out. I am also hoping that someone out there has answers or insight into what I am facing.

I have been a bad blog friend the last few days, and haven't been reading blogs. I am sorry. I want to, but I don't have the head space for it right now. I am going to try to catch up tomorrow and the next day. I am so glad I didn't sign up for ICLW this month. Maybe it was prophetic that I decided not to last month. There is no way I would be able to participate when I can't even keep up with the ones I already follow.

Thanks for being here for and with me, friends. I sincerely appreciate it and all of your kind words. I hope to start getting back on my feet soon. Hopefully the sono on Friday will give us some better news. Hopefully.

"God Put You in My Path"

The title of this post is a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Four Fe.thers, with He.ath Led.ger. If you haven't seen it, do. It is a wonderful movie.

But all of that is beside the point of this post.

Exactly two years ago I was interviewing for my current job. When I had posted my resume the month before, I wondered if I was making the right decision. All I knew was that my current life sucked (thanks to a sh*tty job and infertility) and I needed to leave it all behind. Over the next few months, everything in my life fell into place, unlike the past year where my life had been slowly unraveling like a cheap sweater.

Three weeks into my new job, I met the woman who would become my best friend. Well, we met before I had been there for three weeks, but we connected and bonded instantly one day when I stopped her to talk to her. Honestly, she looked familiar and I didn't know why. Come to find out we had been in all of the same places at the same times throughout our lives and never met. In fact, we had both just moved here to Texas from the Rocky Mountains. We went to the same university, and she used to work at a bookstore I frequented after I was married.

Since becoming instant best friends, we have found our meeting more than coincidental. We have been an answer to each other's prayers in so many ways. I was at her desk the morning I exhibited my first pregnancy symptom. I stood up to walk away from her desk and fell over on her from a dizzy spell.

I went back to work on Friday after my sono, thinking I would try to muddle through the rest of the day and hoping to take my mind off things (idiot). One of my other best friends came over to talk to me after I sent her an IM about my appointment. She was at my desk comforting me when my best friend's bright red head popped around the corner. (She works in a different building from me, so we have to actively get up and walk across a parking lot to come see each other. She is always insanely busy, so it is rare when she comes to my desk.) She claimed she was coming to get chocolate, but stopped midsentence when she saw my blotchy, red, tear-stained face.

My sweet friend is my age and is single. Upon hearing about my appointment and questioning why God was dealing me this hand after I had finally played out the first two he dealt me, she began to cry as she squatted down on the floor next to me and put her hands on my knees. She looked me in the eye and said, "Maybe you are the answer to my prayers."

Both her and my other friend offered very sincerely to surrogate for me that day. I know they mean it, but I don't think either of them have really thought it through.

That night when my husband got home from work, he proved to have zero emotional capacity for me. Suffice it to say, I needed to get out of the house and do something mindless, so I called my best friend, told her what was going on, and asked if she wanted to go to a movie that night. She did, and I let Hubs know. Sadly, I let him know shortly after he apologized.

My best friend and I went to dinner before the movie. We pulled into a parking spot and sat in the car, talking for a bit. She offered again to surrogate if I was willing to go that route. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart. She then told me that the day before she moved to Texas, her cousin had offered to give her a blessing for her journey. She accepted. At the end of the blessing, he told her that he didn't say half of what came out of his mouth, that God had. She told me that in that blessing, he said that he knew she needed to move here because there was someone here who needed her. We both wept as she told me she thinks that person is me.

At dinner we discussed surrogacy again. I told her that I didn't want her to offer it until she knew exactly what she was signing up for. I know she is coming from her heart, but so am I. I told her I couldn't put her through that knowing what it involves and dealing with the potential hurt she can and will feel. She insisted despite what I told her about cycling and having to give the baby over in the end. She told me that my allowing her to surrogate might be her only chance at motherhood, and thereby making us and this a blessing and a gift to each other.

I have never been open to the option of surrogacy, until now.

How can I question or be upset with God for my current situation when he has put such a wonderful blessing in my path? I have never in all my life had such a wonderful, true, deep friend. I never knew such a friendship could exist. The thought that our bond could forever be cemented by her being a surrogate for me is something I am completely open to. I welcome and relish the thought.

I have talked to Hubs about it, and he is on board with whatever I decide.

Of course we are going to explore surgery first, but the thought and idea that such a genuine, heartfelt offer was made is beyond words and emotion. How could I ever in a million years tell or show her how much I appreciate our bond? There aren't enough flowers and thank you cards in the world. The feeling I get inside is like falling through endless space, but in a very full way.

I feel like the words I have written out can't even do the gesture or the moment justice. All I can say is that I am grateful beyond words. Not just to my one friend, but to both of them.

God really doesn't close a door without opening another.

Still Dealing

Today was Hell Part II. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a freight train. My very skin has been sensitive to the touch all day. The clothes on my body irritated and chafed me. I kept feeling like someone was pushing a reset button in my brain all day. I just felt like absolute hell physically and emotionally.

I spent all of today just begging for it to be time to go to bed. I didn't want to deal with my mental and physical discomfort. I did, however, feel much better than yesterday emotionally. I was in a better frame of mind and ready to start exploring our options. We have so many options available to us right now, it is just a matter of whittling them down to the one that works. Obviously I will do the sonohystogram, MRI, and surgery. Hubs and I want to ask the doctor who performs the surgery what he thinks our chances of successfully carrying a pregnancy will be. I love my doctor, and I trust her with my life, but this is one time I hope she is wrong about our odds. I hope she is being overly cautious.

All I know right now is that I can't roll over and give up. I didn't come this far just to stop. The desire to build my family is so strong I have to keep going. I was talking to my mother on the phone today (who by the way just underwent a 12 hour reconstructive surgery from her mastectomy last year and is in the hospital sill) and she told me that I fought hard to get my daughter and she knows I have it in me to fight again.

I love you mom and dad. Thank you so much for being strong for me when I can't do it on my own. I am so blessed to be your daughter, to have such loving, caring, and comforting parents. I simply cannot do this without you two.

My parents are right, as is my husband, and all of my friends: I DO have the fight in me. I've done this once before and dammit all, I will do it again. I realize, and so does everyone else, that this battle is a lot more risky than last time, but I have to try. Just like before, I have to say I did everything I could. I don't want to look back and regret not going as far as I could.

I'm shaky on my faith right now, but I'm trying to find that glimmer that all hope is not lost. I still remember how to find it.

I am bracing for another year of hell in the infertile ring. Thank God I have so many wonderful people with me.

Before I go, I want to say something wonderful happened last night, but I am not quite ready to talk about it. I want to be in the right frame of mind so that I can accurately portray my feelings on it. I promise, that blog post will bring you all to tears.

P.S. My fertility is CRUEL. Guess who as EWCM tonight? I have no words. None. EWCM and a 2" cyst. Could it get any better right now?

Dealing With the Bad News

First of all, I want to say thank you so much to all of you for your very kind words during such a horrible moment in my life. The really do help buoy me up.

I am still completely reeling from the news. I still can't get my head around it, and I still can't bring myself to accept it. The worst part is knowing that I have to wake up in the morning and be reminded of the fact that today wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a figment of my subconscious imagination manifesting itself in some horrible night vision.

As with all things, there has been some good to come from it. I am astounded at the support system I have in place. Last time I was going through this battle, I was alone. 100% completely alone. I didn't even have my blog back then. This time I have so many wonderful people in real life that have rallied around me and are willing to do anything to help me get through this. In addition to them, I have all of my blog friends who are here to help as well. The outpouring of love and support has been astounding.

My doctor called me back this afternoon at 3:30 on the nose. She told me she had consulted with the fertility doctor and they are ordering a sonohystogram for next Friday. They hope that it will show them just how thin the lining is and how big the gap between the walls of muscle are. If they don't get what they need from the sono, they are going to order up an MRI. The doctor felt that they could perform surgery to close the gap, they just need to know how bad things really are first.

Sounds like good news, right?

I asked what our chances would be if we did the surgery. My doctor told me they would increase dramatically, because as it stands right now, I absolutely, positively should not get pregnant. The baby WILL die, and I could die too. However, she said there is still a 40% chance of a rupture even after the surgery. I thanked her for giving me hope again, but she strongly advised me to talk to my husband about not trying again. How must she feel delivering news like that knowing that some patients will do it at all costs and that she feels a moral obligation to help them even when she doesn't agree with their choices?

Hubs thinks 40% is pretty shit. I don't think he is comfortable with it. In fact, I know he isn't. However, he is reserving feeling until we talk to the doctor who will perform the surgery and get his opinion on the matter.

In the meantime, I am left to my thoughts. Weighing everything, trying to decide what to do. Do I take my chances, or do I face the fact that I may be done having children? I know I can be happy if all I ever have is my daughter, because at least I have her to show for my struggles. I just wish I could give her a sibling for so many reasons. But could she be happy if her mother died trying to give her that sibling? Could I?

I hate this place. I hate being here. I am feeling every negative emotion possible.

I told Hubs I wish I could point the finger of blame at someone, but I can't because all of the choices that got me to where I am today were mine, with the exception of the removal of the septum. Neither of us chose to have that removed. My doctor just did it. Had he asked me, I would have told him to take it out. Had he asked Hubs and informed him of the risks of doing so, Hubs would have told him "Hell no! You leave that damn thing in there!" My husband was seething about it tonight. He yelled about it for a good 15 minutes. That damn septum removal is the whole reason I am where I am. But I can't change it now.

The thing I hate most about being in this place is the unknown. Not knowing if there really is any hope, and if so, how much. I hate feeling forsaken by my instincts. I want to kick my own ass for being so stupid and naive. I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up! I knew it!

Luckily I have a bottle of Val.lium in my cupboard, and I took one to help me sleep tonight. It has just kicked in, which means my thoughts are fading just like I am. I can't wait for tomorrow morning when I get to relive the hell of today.

Shattered Dream

I went to my ultrasound this morning to check that everything from my rupture had healed well enough that I could start trying for another baby in the next couple of months. I feel so stupid now that on my drive in I was thinking the biggest of my worries was when to start using OPKs. I got the answer to that. Never.

I went into that appointment so hopeful, so sure that everything was going to be okay, that it was going to be a fantastic appointment, I would skip out of there with my prescription for prenatals. I watched as the tech found my scar tissue, and as she found a 5mm cyst on my right ovary (which explains all of the pains I've been having), and as she found my beautiful left ovary. I'll hand it to her, she is a professional. Her demeanor never changed. She asked me to wait while she asked my doctor if she wanted to come in and make sure there wasn't anything else we needed to look at. I sat there, praying everything was fine and preparing myself for good news.

My doctor came in and watched the screen. The tech moved the wand to my scar tissue and pointed at a black spot right next to it. I looked at her face and at my doctor's face, waiting for any indication of good or bad. I held my breath. I held out hope. "Everything is fine. Its perfect. Don't freak out."

Then came the bomb shell.

There is no muscle on my uterine wall next to the rupture. The wall right there is paper thin and my intestines could be viewed through it on the ultrasound. As it stands right now, I am no longer able to have any more children.

My world fell out from underneath me. I was not prepared for this. I never in a million years thought I would hear that today. I started to cry and ask if it could be fixed. My doctor isn't sure, so she is going to call a high risk OB and consult with their fertility specialist today and call me back. I have to say right now, my hopes are not high. I just sat there and cried. What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I been through enough? My doctor held me in a tight hug, told me she was sorry, and that she would see if there is anything we can do.

My doctor and the tech left the room so I could get dressed, and I cried so hard. I sobbed like my world had come to an end. I couldn't collect myself well enough to stop sobbing. The tech came back in a few minutes later and told me I could use the back entrance so I wouldn't have to walk through a waiting room full of preggies. She told me my doctor would do all she could, and she hoped for the best for us.

I did not expect this!

I walked as fast as I could out of the hospital and to my car, avoiding all eye contact and trying to keep my tears in check. As soon as I got to the car I sobbed from the very tips of my toes. My heart was breaking. I called Hubs and told him about the appointment. All I could do was cry from my very core.

I didn't want to be back here again, but here I am. This is so unfair. I have done everything I was supposed to do. I have been through enough. Why am I facing this?

I know I am very blessed because I at least have my daughter. I am so grateful for her, and I am still grateful for everything I had to go through to get her. I always will be. But right now, I feel so very broken again. I feel like I am worse off now than I was before as far as TTC is concerned.

Why did God let me feel like everything was going to be okay when it isn't? Why did He put such a strong desire to have more children in me when it isn't going to happen? Why did He let my "instincts" tell me that I would be able to start trying for another baby in a couple of months when I'm not? I don't understand. If this isn't going to happen, then He needs to take these feelings and desires away. For the last four years of my life, ALL I have focused on is building a family. That is all I have truly wanted. More than anything.

I want my daughter to have a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have a friend who is always there. Someone to grow up with, play with, get in trouble with, have secrets from mom and dad with. It is so lonely being an only child. I had siblings, and I want that for my daughter.

Please, if you leave a comment don't tell me to be glad I at least have my daughter. I AM glad. I am so blessed to have her. I know that so many of you are trying for your first and are struggling, but that does not make my pain feel any less great right now. The bottom of my world and all of my hope have been pulled out from underneath me. My day went from being exciting to wondering what the hell I am going to do now, to questioning myself, my hope, and my instincts. To realizing that even IF this can be fixed, I am at least another year away from trying, if not longer. My life plans have all gone out the window. Everything I have been hanging onto this last year was ripped from my grasp in a moment this morning.

I am dumped right back where I was three years ago, only worse in some ways. I have a bathroom cabinet stocked clear full of OPKs and pregnancy tests. All of them will have to be thrown away now. All of the pregnancy items I have waiting in my closet have to go away. My hopes and dreams have gone away.

Everything hangs in the balance on a phone call from my doctor. Will they be able to fix it? How long will recovery take? What will happen with my endo and PCOS while we wait? I'm getting older, I don't have much time left to continue building my family. How is all of this going to affect world again? This just plain is NOT fair.

I may be absent from blogging for a while. Right now, I feel like I need to be away from everything TTC-related. I just can't handle this. I can't handle the fact that I am where I am. I need to grieve and pick up the pieces of my shattered dream.

Christmas Is Over

The weekend with my little brother flew by in a flash. It honestly seems like I just went to the airport to get him, and already he is gone. We ended up getting 12.5" of snow the day before he flew in. I joked that it was all just for him, since he was coming from up North. Hubs said none of my family can come visit anymore because it snowed just before my parents came down and again before my brother did. Stinking snow.

We had a total blast all weekend. Birdman (his nickname) got in around 1:00 on Friday afternoon. The next few hours were spent taking care of the baby and waiting for Hubs to get home from work. When he did, the babysitter showed up right on time, and we were out the door to diner and Av.atar (awesome movie; awesome). My brother LOVED it, which made me happy.

Saturday we went to the Bo.dies exhibit. It cost a pretty penny to get in, and I have to sadly admit, it was a big letdown. I expected it to be so much cooler and bigger than it was. Don't get me wrong, it was neat and all, but I apparently had some pretty high expectations. In fact, all of us thought it was a big letdown. You know those chicken jerky treats you buy for your dog? Well, the bodies looked like those things. Some of the exhibits were really cool, and some of them just weren't. I really did enjoy the fetal section though. They had fetuses at different stages of development. Its sad that they are actual babies, but it was so cool to see what my baby looked like during certain stages of the pregnancy. Just FYI, the baby that was 9 weeks old had all 10 fingers and toes as well as the beginnings of a skeletal system. How anyone could abort that is beyond me. I couldn't stop staring at each of the babies. I was so enthralled and amazed at the journey. I think that exhibit alone made my admission worth it.

After the Bo.dies exhibit, my brother wanted to go to the aquarium that was right across the street, so we did. It was more like a zoo than an aquarium, but all of us loved it. The rest of the weekend was spent shopping (Birdman loves to shop as much as I do), eating tasty food, sleeping, and playing Ma.rio Bro.thers on the Wi.i. It was so much fun.

Before we knew it, I was taking him back to the airport. I dropped him off and cried as I drove away. It literally felt like I had left a little piece of my heart behind. I cried again tonight even. I hate living so far away from my family sometimes.

Tonight after I got home, I started feeling really down. I thought about it and I realized it is because I don't have anything really exciting to look forward to now. My Christmas is finally over. My New Year blues have officially begun. Its back to the old bump and grind, trying to find that little something to make each day not seem mundane, trying to remember to find the pleasure in each passing moment instead of wishing it all away.

I guess for now I need to remember what it means to really put my nose to the grindstone and get back into the swing of things. No more slacking off. It is time to get back to business.

*Alert - This may be a bit TMI*

But on a very happy side note, my cycles are quickly returning back to normal. I haven't seen such lovely CM since before I got pregnant. You know you're an infertile when the sight of your CM makes you smile and clap your hands. I can't believe how quickly my body has gotten back into things since having my IUD removed a week and a half ago. Only a few more days and I start up on the OPKs. I've got my fingers crossed that I get that perfect positive. For now, I will look forward to that until something bigger comes along.

Happy Belated Crapentines

I would like to say I posted this Crapentines post late on purpose to show my protest for the holiday, but the fact of the matter is I simply forgot and found other things more important.

As you can tell, I am not a fan of Valentines. I'm not sure when my displeasure for the day began, but it was sometime back in elementary school. Perhaps it was brought on by the fact that my birthday is a few days before it, or perhaps it is because of the way kids gave me the cards from their box of Valentines that they didn't want and/or left the candy out of the ones they gave me because they didn't like me. Come on, we all did it to the people we didn't like. Either way, I've never been a fan of the day.

Apparently by the look on my daughter's face in the picture above, she is following in mama's shoes. That little ditty was taken by her teacher at daycare. When she showed it to me I laughed my butt off. It cracks me up!

Before I got married, and sometime after the holiday became something more serious than passing out Sc.oobie Do.o cards, the day became known as "Single Aw.areness Da.y." It was never a day in which I was sad if I didn't have a significant other. In fact, I usually hoped I wouldn't have a special someone on the day. If I did, I warned the guy not to do anything for me or face my wrath by my breaking up with him. I had a guy test it one year. His roommates had convinced him I was a silly girl who said one thing but meant another. Poor shmuck. We broke up. He should have listened to me and not his roommates. (Honestly, I was going to break up with him anyway, he just gave me a reason I couldn't pass up.)

Now, if you are a fan of the day, I don't begrudge you the pleasure one bit. If you love getting the presents and going out to dinner, that is cool. Some people really look forward to this holiday, and I think that is great. For me, however, it just doesn't hold any appeal. That being said, I will leave my daughter's opinion of the day up to her. I will celebrate it for her until she is able to decide if she likes the day or not, and then she can celebrate Valentines or Crapentines (aka Single Awe.reness Da.y).

From Texas, With Love

For my birthday, Texas gave me a great big Texas-sized surprise... snow.


I know in this picture it doesn't look like much, but that is because what you can see has been sheltered by trees. I woke up to 2" of snow this morning. I also realize that for those of you living in the Northern states 2" doesn't seem like a big deal. I know, I grew up in the Rocky Mountains. In fact, I was so sick and tired of driving in the snow, I moved away from the RMs to where I thought I would never have to brave another snowy road again... HA!

It has been snowing for almost 24 hours straight here. It hasn't let up at all. The stream of snow has been constant all day. The amount that has fallen today is record for the area, and all in time for my special day. I feel so warm and snuggy....

Here is what I found when I left work at 3:00 today.


I was only away from my car for 7 hours people! This isn't supposed to happen here!

Thank you for my birthday gift Texas. Up yours too. :p

All joking aside, my birthday was pretty great. My teammates took me out to lunch for some awesome Tex Mex, including table-side guacamole. It was awesomely delicious. When we got back to the office there was a dozen red roses waiting at my desk for me from Hubs and Baby Bean. When I thanked Hubs for the flowers, he asked if I had received the teddy bear, chocolates, and spa gifts. I thought he was kidding, but apparently he wasn't. He called the flower company and they are resending the entire order tomorrow, so I get two dozen red roses for my birthday!

The thing I loved about it the most was that the red roses are so classic. Hubs usually sends all kinds of different flowers, but rarely red roses. For today, that was exactly what I wanted, so I was quite pleased when that is what he sent. I can't wait to get the rest tomorrow!

Both Hubs and I left work early today to beat traffic on the nasty roads, so when he got home we decided to go out to dinner. Honestly, I had planned on making waffles for dinner, but when that wasn't what he wanted and he began to cook dinner for himself, I protested, so we went out. We went to a local hibachi, which is one of my absolute favorite things in the world.

I am excited that my special day will get to continue on all through the weekend with the rest of my birthday order showing up, then going to get my little bro from the airport, and then partying the weekend away. It just doesn't get any better... well, it would be better without this blasted snow!

P.S. It is 11:45 and it is still snowing as hard as it has been all day. Seriously?! Oh yes, and lest I forget to mention, it doesn't snow here so there are no snow plows, no snow shovels, nothing to help clean up the snow. Aweomeness. I saw people out shoveling with dust pans and trays.

Happy Birthday... to Me?

My mom called me last night and asked me if I planned on doing anything fun for my birthday today. I told her not that I knew of, and as my husband isn't too big on birthdays and/or surprises, I expect the day will be pretty normal. What I should have told her was that my fun plan involved doing a fun blog post. Now I just need to think of something fun to do for this post....

I will be doing fun things for my birthday, they just won't happen on my birthday. My little brother is flying into town the day after and is going to spend the whole weekend with us. We're going to take him to see Av.atar (which I highly recommend in 3D) and the Bo.dies I.n Mo.tion exhibit. I know the latter is a bit creepy and gross, but I find it all highly interesting. My bro, who is an EMT will enjoy it too. On top of those two fantastic activities, we plan to spend loads of time playing games on the Wi.i, shopping (because we both love it), buying me a new iP.od for my bday, buying a Thr.iving Iv.ory CD (if you haven't heard them, I highly recommend them), eating good food, and being just plain goofy. On top of that, I get to add my daughter to the fun, which will make it all that much more special. What could be better?

So, in being true to my word, I leave you with something fun for this post. Below is a very brief clip of Baby Bean playing with Sadie yesterday. I had been working from home because Baby Bean has a nasty ear infection complete with ooze. I was typing away when I realized I heard what sounded like a block being hit against a dog head. I looked over, and sure enough, Baby Bean was hitting Sadie on the head with a block and laughing hysterically. Sadie being the oober awesome dog that she is, just sat there and let the baby have her way with her. Rest assured, Sadie was very well rewarded for her patience, love and tolerance.

With that, I bid you adieu!

Isn't she Lovely

My new bloggy friend Chirleen at Confessions of a TTC-A-Holic graciously nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger award. Thanks Chirleen! I have to say, I love her blog because she is so spunky, and we have a mutual love for musical instruments.




The rules of this award are:

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Seven interesting things huh? That will take some thought, but here goes nothing:

1. If you had told me when I was in elementary school that I would grow up to write manuals, I would have told you you were a huge liar and kicked your shins. I never in a million years thought I would end up in the profession I did, and it was all by chance.
2. I took piano lessons for 6 years and never learned to play... until I quit taking lessons... and then I taught myself. Sorry for the waste of money mom and dad! :p
3. I laugh my ass off any time anyone steps on anything crunchy like popcorn or chips. My friends and I used to go to the movies every Friday, and they would always "spill" their popcorn in the aisles because it would send me into fits of laughter when people stepped on it.
4. Dog farts make me laugh. They make me laugh so hard I can't breathe, which sucks because Sadie is the fartiest dog I have ever owned. She puts grown men to shame.
5. My little brother is coming into town for my 31st birthday this weekend, and I can't wait. We are 4 years apart, but act more like we are twins. We were inseparable growing up.
6. I had Baby Bean 9 days before my 30th birthday. I was so deep in baby blues on my birthday, I let it slide by in silence. I didn't tell a soul it was my birthday. My mom was here helping me out with the baby and told Hubs and I to at least go to dinner, so we did.
7. I grew up in the Rocky Mountains and miss them horribly. Texas doesn't have mountains. They think they do, but that is because they don't know what mountains are. I miss going hiking with my dogs. I miss getting caught in the rain a few miles from the car and laughing all the way back down the mountain.

So there are my 7 things. I now tag:

1. Journey Girl
2. Carrie
3. Leah
4. Al
5. Justine
6. Cherish This Baby
7. Megs

Knock Knock. Who's There?

*WARNING - The first paragraph may not be for my fertile friends or those with a somewhat weak constitution. Feel free to skip directly to the second paragraph.*


My monthly visitor has arrived. That didn't take long. I had read that women who had gotten their IUDs out got their monthly gift if not the day it came out, then within mere days of doing so. Happily, mine coincided very closely with when AF was due anyway. I was a bit shocked to see she was a couple day early though. I was happy to greet her, but not happy with the symptoms she brought along that I had happily NOT missed the last two years. Bloat, sore girls, the whole shebang. I also didn't miss not needing party favors. It has been so long, their use seemed foreign. It sure did explain my need for ice cream and Fri.tos after eating a massive Cajun dinner tonight though. (Yes, I am regretting all three of those now.)

As you all know, I was and am so excited to be able to TTC again. However, there is a little rain cloud hanging over my head, and it has been the last month or so. I have two very dear friends who are undergoing IF right now. One of which is one of my best friends. I also have another best friend who has been TTC her second for the last 8 months or so. While I was excited to try for #2, I had a hard time emotionally because there is a chance I could end up pregnant with my second before two of them are pregnant with their first, or before the other is pregnant with her second, when her first is 2.5 years older than mine.

I talk to my friend with the 2.5-year-old frequently, and we have had the "what if" conversation many times. She is a wonderful friend, and has admitted that it would hurt a little if I got pregnant before her, but that she would be happy for me and wouldn't befriend me if it did happen. I completely understand. In fact, we both hoped she would be pregnant by now, and we both still hope she is before I am. I didn't worry about her as much as I do the other two.

My other two friends are on the front lines of IF. One is currently undergoing treatments, and the other is on the doorstep of them. As in, she is going to a specialist in the next week. I know they both love me, and they are both so in love with Baby Bean. But I worried about breaking the news to them.

Today my best friend and I went to get Baby Bean's hand and footprints put onto a plate for her 1st birthday. I didn't want to drag things out, so on the drive over I told her I had just gotten my IUD out, and that we were going to start trying for #2 in the next few months. Her reaction was completely unexpected. She sat in my passenger seat with a huge smile on her face as she clapped her hands and said, "Yay! I am so excited for you!" I almost cried. I told her why I had been worried about telling her, and she told me not to be silly. Her reaction is the one I would have given her if the situation had been the other way around. I was so glad she took it that way.

I worry about telling my other friend though. I am afraid she won't take it the same way. I don't want it to put a wedge between us. She has had such a tough battle, tougher than mine ever was or will be. I have tried to be there for her as much as she will let me be. I don't know how or when to break the news to her. I know she would feel bad if she thought I was having a hard time telling her, but I don't want her to feel bad.

Who knew I would ever be in this position? I certainly didn't. I feel like I need to let them know because I care about them, and also because how horrible would I feel if the first they knew about our trying again was when I made a pregnancy announcement?

I feel like a horse who has just been freed to run in the pasture, yet I'm not sure if I am ready to run, for fear of leaving my friends behind. It is an odd feeling, and one I have never experienced. I'm not trying to have my first child anymore, I'm trying to have my second while so many of my good friends are still trying for their first. I feel like if it takes us a while and we have to go through everything we did the first time again, I will have no room to complain because at least I already have a child. I feel like anything I could say to plead my case just makes me sound like an ass in the eyes of those who are still fighting for their first.

Infertility is never easy, and it never gets easier, no matter which side of the fence you are on.

Once an Infertile, Always an Infertile.

Back In the Saddle

I cannot believe it has already been a year since the birth of Baby Bean, and 6 months since the insertion of my IUD. Where did the time go?! Seriously, how did I get here so fast?

I woke up this morning, thinking I had to drag my butt out of bed for another day of drudgery when I remembered what day it was. I must have been more excited than I thought because I was out of the house 15 minutes early. I was so early, I ended up having a half hour before my appointment, rather than the 15 minutes I normally would have had. So I went and got me some donuts before heading to the doctor.

I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I walked through the door to the doctor's office. It was so strange. Part of me was excited to be there, and part of me wasn't. All of my memories from sitting in that waiting room as a pregnant woman came flooding back like a tidal wave.

I sat down and waited to be called back. When I finally was, I was told that the sonographer had called in sick that morning, and so I wouldn't be having my sono. Imagine how much my heart sank when I had been waiting a full year for that scan! The nurse told me they were still going to take out my IUD, but that I would have to reschedule my sonogram. My emotions were all over the place. I had been looking forward to busting through the finish line and skipping out of that office with a huge green light over my head. Instead, I would have a yellow light, and the real finish line had been moved back the day of the race.

I sat in the exam room and waited for my doctor, wanting to ask questions I knew she would have no answers for until we did the scan. She came in, beaming and cheerful as always. I was so happy to see her. She was as excited for me to get my IUD out as I was. She wasted no time getting down to business and removing my short-time companion.

We then talked about what was ahead. This woman can make the end of the world seem like it is the best thing since sliced bread. I love her! She told me she was confident I was able to try for pregnancy again, but that I should give my body at least 2 months to re-regulate from the IUD. No prob, that was my plan anyway. She warned me of the risks again, told me my pregnancy would be extremely high risk and I would be watched like a hawk, but said that if this was something I really wanted to do, she would be here with me through all of it. I LOVE HER! I can't tell you how awesome it feels to have her by my side ready to go to battle with me so that I can try to bring a sibling into this world for my daughter. I am in such good hands.

So, the IUD is gone, and I am back in the TTC saddle. I am so excited. I'm not nervous or scared. I feel good about things, and that is the feeling I'm going with.

Here we go friends! Once AF rears next week, I'll be starting to chart and use OPKs to figure out if I still ovulate when I used to.

On a side note, Baby Bean's surgery went awesomely yesterday. It was a breeze. She was in and out with zero complication. She is doing awesome today, and you would never know she had surgery yesterday. That's my gal!

Happy Birthday Baby Bean!

One year ago today, I woke up some time around 4:30 in the morning. It was Baby Bean's birthday. I don't know if she knew it yet, but her daddy and I did. My hospital bag had been packed for a couple of weeks. The nursery was ready, warm, and waiting to welcome it's new inhabitant. The dogs had some idea that something exciting was going to happen, but they had no idea what. Our world was about to change for the better.

I got dressed, crying softly, as I reminisced over my years of infertility, thinking of those cold, hard days when I wondered if I would ever reach this moment, wondering if it would all be worth it. I gently caressed my belly, hugged my baby to me, and spoke softly to her. I told her again how much I loved her, that I couldn't wait to meet her, and that I would be the best mother I possibly could. Tenderness and longing along with the fear of the unknown gripped me. In a few short hours, my life was about to change forever.

At 5:30 in the morning, Hubs drove me to the hospital while I sobbed. I was afraid of the procedure, the recovery time from the c-section, the lack of sleep ahead, all while mourning the end of my pregnancy. My beautiful, perfect pregnancy. I wondered if I would ever get to do it again. I had loved every single second. I also cried in fear. Would I be a great mother? Would all of the hell I went through really be worth it? Would I love motherhood as much as I hoped?

We checked into the maternity ward, and everything seemed very surreal, like my wedding day. Was this really my big day? "How did I get here?" I wondered. I was taken back into L&D where I undressed. I cried as I took off my maternity pants for the last time as a pregnant woman. I put on the cold hospital gown, and slowly made my way to the bed. I was hooked up to monitors and handed papers to sign. Then it was time to lay back and wait until 7:30, when my doctor would arrive.

At 7:30, the prep for my c-section began. It was all going too fast. I wished in that moment I had waited until my due date for the procedure. I just wanted a little more time to feel my baby kick and punch inside my womb. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled down to the OR. I cried so hard. I couldn't stop shaking.

The OR was freezing. I was shaking from cold and fear so much I was afraid the anesthesiologist would miss with my spinal. My doctor walked into the room, cheery and smiling, as always. I cried and told her I didn't know if I was happy to see her or not. She walked right up to me, hugged me tightly, and told me everything was going to be okay. I loved her even more in that moment.

Everything below my waist went numb, and I was laid back on the table. The sheet went up between my face and shoulders, and my doctor began to tell me what she was doing. The procedure was started before my husband was even in the room. He walked in, and took his place by my side. I felt tugging, but no pain. My baby was located and the first comment was, "Look at all of that hair!" My child was freed from my womb, and an instant rush of air involuntarily filled my lungs.

At 8:01 a.m., my little girl was held up in the air, screaming and crying. I sobbed. I couldn't believe she was mine. I couldn't believe she had just come out of me. She was beautiful and perfect. Her daddy went to her side right away, as I had told him to do since before we even got pregnant. He offered her his finger and she grasped on tightly. He brought her over for me to see, and then she held his hand all of the way to the nursery, while I stayed behind to be put back together like Hu.mpty Du.mpty.

The rest of the day was a blur, but I remember that night after things started to calm down and my husband had gone home to take care of the dogs, they brought me my baby. They had instructed me to undress her in my parenting class and hold her soft, warm baby flesh to mine. I gently unwrapped my sleeping baby and removed her onesie top. I took in each and every feature of my daughter. Amazed that I had created this life with my husband. She was perfect. She was so sweet. She was beautiful. She was mine. I had fought for her and won.

That day was the best birthday of my entire life. It was the most wonderful day of my entire life. I thank God every day for that day. I will never forget how far I came to be in that moment, and I will cherish it always and forever.

Happy birthday Baby Bean. Thank you for coming into my life and making it amazing beyond words. I am honored and blessed to be your mother. I look forward to all the years of our lives together. You are worth it.