Happy Birthday Baby Bean!

One year ago today, I woke up some time around 4:30 in the morning. It was Baby Bean's birthday. I don't know if she knew it yet, but her daddy and I did. My hospital bag had been packed for a couple of weeks. The nursery was ready, warm, and waiting to welcome it's new inhabitant. The dogs had some idea that something exciting was going to happen, but they had no idea what. Our world was about to change for the better.

I got dressed, crying softly, as I reminisced over my years of infertility, thinking of those cold, hard days when I wondered if I would ever reach this moment, wondering if it would all be worth it. I gently caressed my belly, hugged my baby to me, and spoke softly to her. I told her again how much I loved her, that I couldn't wait to meet her, and that I would be the best mother I possibly could. Tenderness and longing along with the fear of the unknown gripped me. In a few short hours, my life was about to change forever.

At 5:30 in the morning, Hubs drove me to the hospital while I sobbed. I was afraid of the procedure, the recovery time from the c-section, the lack of sleep ahead, all while mourning the end of my pregnancy. My beautiful, perfect pregnancy. I wondered if I would ever get to do it again. I had loved every single second. I also cried in fear. Would I be a great mother? Would all of the hell I went through really be worth it? Would I love motherhood as much as I hoped?

We checked into the maternity ward, and everything seemed very surreal, like my wedding day. Was this really my big day? "How did I get here?" I wondered. I was taken back into L&D where I undressed. I cried as I took off my maternity pants for the last time as a pregnant woman. I put on the cold hospital gown, and slowly made my way to the bed. I was hooked up to monitors and handed papers to sign. Then it was time to lay back and wait until 7:30, when my doctor would arrive.

At 7:30, the prep for my c-section began. It was all going too fast. I wished in that moment I had waited until my due date for the procedure. I just wanted a little more time to feel my baby kick and punch inside my womb. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled down to the OR. I cried so hard. I couldn't stop shaking.

The OR was freezing. I was shaking from cold and fear so much I was afraid the anesthesiologist would miss with my spinal. My doctor walked into the room, cheery and smiling, as always. I cried and told her I didn't know if I was happy to see her or not. She walked right up to me, hugged me tightly, and told me everything was going to be okay. I loved her even more in that moment.

Everything below my waist went numb, and I was laid back on the table. The sheet went up between my face and shoulders, and my doctor began to tell me what she was doing. The procedure was started before my husband was even in the room. He walked in, and took his place by my side. I felt tugging, but no pain. My baby was located and the first comment was, "Look at all of that hair!" My child was freed from my womb, and an instant rush of air involuntarily filled my lungs.

At 8:01 a.m., my little girl was held up in the air, screaming and crying. I sobbed. I couldn't believe she was mine. I couldn't believe she had just come out of me. She was beautiful and perfect. Her daddy went to her side right away, as I had told him to do since before we even got pregnant. He offered her his finger and she grasped on tightly. He brought her over for me to see, and then she held his hand all of the way to the nursery, while I stayed behind to be put back together like Hu.mpty Du.mpty.

The rest of the day was a blur, but I remember that night after things started to calm down and my husband had gone home to take care of the dogs, they brought me my baby. They had instructed me to undress her in my parenting class and hold her soft, warm baby flesh to mine. I gently unwrapped my sleeping baby and removed her onesie top. I took in each and every feature of my daughter. Amazed that I had created this life with my husband. She was perfect. She was so sweet. She was beautiful. She was mine. I had fought for her and won.

That day was the best birthday of my entire life. It was the most wonderful day of my entire life. I thank God every day for that day. I will never forget how far I came to be in that moment, and I will cherish it always and forever.

Happy birthday Baby Bean. Thank you for coming into my life and making it amazing beyond words. I am honored and blessed to be your mother. I look forward to all the years of our lives together. You are worth it.