The Day the IUI Failed

It is time again for another blog entry from my previous MySpace blog. This one was written shortly after our IUI failed. It shows the emotional hurt I was feeling at the time, and how I intended to pick up the pieces. I feel it was pretty upbeat, considering the circumstances. It ends on a note of hope, which was is typical of how I endured infertility.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Well, its official, the artificial insemination procedure didn't work. Of course, I didn't think it would, and I honestly did not get my hopes up before, during, or after the procedure. But somehow, I am still a little sad. I don't know if I'm sad because it didn't work, or if its because I feel like this is something that will never happen for my husband and me, or if its because the next step is really going cost a great big pretty penny. The only hope I am now holding out for is that the problem will be resolved by the laparoscopy. Unfortunately, the doctor can't see me until next month for a pre-surgery visit, which probably means the surgery won't take place until the end of October or November. So I guess that also means we will be taking a break from trying to conceive for the rest of the year. Too bad I can't go to Scotland during my break.

I would like to make it known that no amount of relaxing on my part will cure my inability to conceive. We have a couple of problems working against us right now, and relaxing on my part will not make either of those problems go away. So please, be considerate and don't tell me to relax. The problem is not that I am so uptight I can't get pregnant. I have been plenty relaxed over the last few months, as anyone who has been in contact with me can vouch for.

I also do reserve the right to occasionally be emotional and disappointed, as I am today. Luckily this process has made me strong, and on days like today I can take comfort in the fact that this will pass, and I will probably be just fine with everything again by tomorrow.

I guess for the next couple months I will keep my spirits up by planning my trips to Scotland and Aruba next year, and find comfort in my husband's love. I will continue to hold out hope that one day I will have a little piece of him in a human being we create together.

Artificial Insemination

It's time again for an old blog post from my MySpace blog. This one relates the details of our first and only artificial insemination. It is interesting to me to read back over these old posts and remember the thoughts and feelings of that day. I am so glad all of this is behind us, and I hope and pray we don't ever have to do it again.

Friday, August 31, 2007
Artificially Inseminated
Current mood: hopeful

Today I underwent my first artificial insemination. It wasn't a horrible experience, but its one I hope to not have to repeat. It was almost what I thought it would be, but actually a little worse in the pain deparatment.

For those of you who don't know, artificial insemination is when sperm is taken and washed and spun down so that only the heartiest sperm are left. It eliminates all of the "Homer" sperm (d'oh!), as my husband and I like to call them. The sperm are then put into a solution (I assume its some kind of saline), pulled up into a needle, inserted into the woman's uterus, and pushed out. This gives a better chance at conceiving because the sperm not only have a shorter distance to travel, but they are also enhanced through the spinning process to help them better achieve their goal. I found out this week that there are many areas where the sperm can be released, such as just inside the uterus, or up in the fallopian tubes. This explains why my doctor said he would be willing to perform this procedure up to 3 more times before requiring a laparoscopy. However, if I don't get pregnant this month, my next step will be the laparoscopy.

Once the insemination was performed, my doctor told me to come back in 14 days and take a pregnancy test if I had not started my period. The only problem I have now is trying not to get my hopes up and trying not to notice anything and everything different that I experience over the next couple weeks that I could attribute to being pregnant. During this whole infertility process I have had some abnormal symptoms before each of my menstral cycles, leading me to believe I might be pregnant, only to get a negative pregnancy test and end up in tears. These treatmenst REALLY throw a woman's body for a loop. It got to the point a couple months ago where when I experienced anything abnormal, I had to tell myself that it was normal due to treatments.

One thing that I have found helpful in this process has been telling people about my experience. There are a couple of reasons for this, the first one being that the support and love I have received from my friends and family has helped give me hope, and helped me stay strong. Thank you to everyone who has given me well-wishes in this process. They are so very welcome to my heart. It makes a big difference for me. The second reason I share my experiences is to help educate people. I have no idea if anyone else is going to have to go up against what I'm doing, but if they do, I want to be able to help educate them on what this process involves. I see no reason to be heart broken that I am going through this, or to want to keep it from people. I have found that people want to be there for you, to be supportive, and to show their love. All of the love that I have received has really helped boost me up in my low moments, and as anyone who has experienced this process knows, there are a LOT of low moments.

Thank you to all of my family and friends for your continued support, prayers, well-wishes, and most of all, love. I hope one day to be able to return the favor. Hopefully in 14 days I will be able to deliver the news I am so wanting to deliver!

I didn't get to deliver that news. Instead, I informed everyone I was going in for a lap. :(

Artificial Insemination

It is now time for another entry from my old blog. This one talks about the day I decided we would embark on our first artifical insemination.

Monday, August 27, 2007
Oh Man. Information Overload!
Current mood: hopeful

This past weekend I was supposed to do an ultrasound to see if I would ovulate this month, and if so, how many eggs I would release. (Keep in mind, a woman normally ovulates with ONE egg per month.) I called my doctor on Saturday to schedule my appointment with her that day, but she told me it was unnecessary since my husband and I had opted not to do the hormone shots for the rest of this year, but to just do clomid. However, I got a bee in my bonnet the next day and felt like I wanted to try the shots two more times before the year was over, but that I didn't want to do them in November or December because I wanted to be normal for the holidays if things didn't work out before then.

I called over to the hopsital to have my doctor paged for the ultrasound, but she was unavailable, so I got the physician she works for instead of her. He told me that he would be more than happy to perform the ultrasound for her and to come in as soon as possible. We found in the ultrasound that I have five eggs this month. Not a shock to my husband, me, or my doctor. The doctor who performed the ultrasound asked how long I had been on clomid. I told him this was our sixth month. He replied that he would have never left me on the clomid for more than three months because after that amount of time, it actually decreases your chances of getting pregnant. (WOA! My dr was going to leave me on it through December!)

Then began the information overload.

He said that the only hope I had of concieving this month was to do artificial insemination. To which I replied I was willing. He then told me that if it didn't work, I would have to undergo a laporoscopy, which is a surgical procedure where the doctor goes in through the belly button and abdomen and looks for any endometriosis or other abnormalities. That if they did find a problem and were able to resolve it, my chances of getting pregnant would drastically increase. (YAY!) Of course, I could opt to go straight to IVF, in which case anything they would look for in the laporoscopy wouldn't matter. We also discussed a few other options that were open to me before I left with my head reeling.

I have opted to do artificial insemination this week, but my hopes are not high.

Why do I blog about any of this, you ask? Because I know I am not the only woman in the world going through this. I know that there are thousands of women out there going through what I am going through, and I want them to know that there are options. I want them to know that they are not alone. I also want to encourage them to become informed, to know what they are up against and what options are open to them. I think being educated on infertility is extremely important when undergoing this process. It is a process that comes with a steep learning curve, but one that I am glad to be on if it will help me achieve my goal of starting a family.

Every time I walk out of my doctor's office, my head is reeling with questions. The questions I asked after yesterday's appointment with a different doctor is why my own doctor kept me on clomid for so long. Why she didn't know it would decrease my chances the longer I was on it. Why she never told me about the laporoscopy. These thoughts in turn make me realize that no one knows all of the answers, and that I will have to continue to go with my gut instincts and be okay with the choices I make.

So here's to artificial insemination! I won't get my hopes up, but it would be really great if it worked for us.

The First Time I Took A Break

Its time again for an infertility blog post from my previous blog. The one below details the first time I decided I had had enough.

Monday, June 25, 2007
Taking a Break
Current mood: relaxed Category: Life

This past week I have had a chance to realize that my life is so much happier when I'm not undergoing infertility treatments. Not only emotionally, but physically as well. This whole process has really been hard on my body, but even more on my hormones and emotions. Some days I go way over the edge being hormonal or even down right depressed. I've even gotten to the point where I don't see life worth living.

That last one really disturbs my husband. He told me I need to change my way of thinking and look at everything I DO have, as opposed to what I don't have. That I need to be happy about the things I do have.

This whole process has been so much worse than I ever anticipated. After having a talk this weekend, my husband and I decided that I need to take a break and get my emotions in check before we continue. Even that wasn't an easy decision.

My doctor thinks she has figured out what we need to do for the next round of treatments, and she is so optimistic about it. But at the same time this whole process is just brining me down. Then I'm afraid if we stop we will never have children. Then I realize even if we don't stop, we might still never have children. And not stopping could cost me so much more than I am willing to lose. But then I don't want to be 50 and regretting that I stopped because maybe I could have had children, but its too late at 50.

My husband tells me I need to make the best decision I can and keep telling myself I did the best I could with what I had. At this point, I would rather be happy. And in order for me to be happy, I need to take a break from this process. I need to not think about any of it.

So to my sweetie, thank you so very much for all of your patience and love. I am sincerely sorry for everything these past couple months. I am just so glad I have you by my side to help keep me sane. I promise that during our sabbaticle I will look at only the positive and good things in my life, and be more than happy about them. I love you more than the air I breathe. You mean more to me than everything in this world or the next. Thank you for being my rock.

Where the Adventure Began

When Hubs and I began undergoing infertility treatments, I went through pretty much all of it on my own. I had no one to talk to who really understood what I was going through, and no outlet for my feelings and emotions. In May 2007, I started to blog. At first I did it as a joke, but then I realized how therapeutic it was. I started to blog every now and then about our struggles, and then by October of that year, it was the reason behind it all. I "met" so many fantastic women who were in my shoes or had been there, and all of a sudden, I wasn't alone anymore. I had a support system to go along with my writing therapy.

My blog started out on my MySpace page, but then moved over here to make it more accessible to family and friends. Below is my first ever post from my first blog about our infertility history.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Infertility
Current mood: sad

As many of you know, my husband and I are undergoing infertility treatments and have been for over half a year now. A lot of times when you tell people you are dealing with infertility, they give you canned responses, not understanding that sometimes those responses are hurtful. A friend of mine who is undergoing her own battle with infertility sent me the article below. Please know that I do appreciate the love and support of our family and friends, but also please be aware that words you say for encouragement, can instead be very hurtful. I try not to be sensitive, but its hard. I thought I was a tough cookie, and would never have an issue with infertility. But after months of treatments and months of setbacks, it has become a very sore spot indeed.

Please take a minute to look at this article, and keep it in mind when talking to anyone who is having a hard time conceiving.

Being Sensitive to Couples without Children
By Ana Nelson Shaw

• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don't have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple's medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard ... when one cannot become a parent.Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying "You'll get pregnant if you just relax" implies that you think infertility is the couple's own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. "You'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt" implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as "It will happen in the Lord's time" can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as "I love you" or "I have been praying for you." Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.