Riding the Hormonal Rollercoaster

The last few days have been interesting and eerily familiar as my body tries to violently reject the presence of synthetic hormones. Luckily I am blessed with a very understanding and loving husband who realizes the beast that emerges while my hormones are being tampered with is not me. My mood literally swings like a branch in the wind of a tumultuous storm. One second I am the perky, happy, positive me, the next I am a raging, hormonal wench ready to rip the heads off of unsuspecting passers-by, which inevitably leads to copious amounts of guilt as soon as the sweeter, gentler me returns. I wish I could count the number of times I have said, "I'm tired of feeling guilty!" over the last week.

As I said before, I am blessed with my wonderful husband who very sweetly pointed out to me a couple of days ago that I was not myself because of the patches. It hadn't really occurred to me that that was my problem until he said something. Of course, he pointed this out as I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work ripping him a new one with my eyes red and swollen from crying, a pile of tissues littering the floor on the passenger side of the car. "You don't respond well to having your hormones messed with. I knew this was coming the second you told me you had to wear the patches." Once he said that, it was like a light went on in my head. Duh! I AM acting like a crazy lunatic! And it ISN'T because I'm a crazy lunatic! Phew!

The beautiful thing about realizing I am not myself is I can make changes in my attitude to balance out the crazy that comes from "medical reproductive assistance." I don't know how I do it, but I make a subconscious effort to keep that hormonal monster under wraps. It's like night and day. I go from asking God "Why me?" to realizing this is just how it is. I go from being upset that I am having to go through this crap again to get another baby to accepting this is just what I have to do and being okay with it. It's really not that big of a deal. It's a speed bump, a minor inconvenience, but I can handle it. I really can. This is seriously small change compared to an IUI or even IVF. I'll take this over that any day of the week.

I can handle this, and I can do this. Compared to the size of my determination, this is an ear wig, waiting to be squashed under my shoe. I can still live my life perfectly fine and normal this way. Besides which, I have the most gorgeous little girl to help focus my attention away from all of this mess, and right now, she is doing a great job at it. I can say this, going through this again definitely brings me even closer to my daughter. Gobsmacking I know! Who would have thought it was possible to love that little girl anymore?! It just reminds me to appreciate the gift that she is and to cherish each and every moment I have with her before they pass and she grows up.

Infertility, I hate you, but I am grateful for the gifts you have given me.

A New Leaf

What this post was supposed to be:

I was talking to a friend last Tuesday about my infertility situation when a breakthrough started to occur. The breakthrough continued for days like one long "Ah ha!" moment.

I was telling her about that post after my first failed cycle when we were finally allowed to be back at TTC and how once I got over the initial (and huge disappointment) that it hadn't worked, I realized that TTC was not the same this time around as it was last time. That I was no longer trying for our first. I had fought that battle and won. I didn't need to wrap myself back up in all the hardship associated with trying to have a baby again because even if I don't have any more, I am so eternally grateful that I have my daughter to show for my struggles.

Over the next couple of days I realized that I could and needed to let go of my Infertile label. Yes I have endometriosis and PCOS, but both of those problems have been temporarily held at bay thanks to my surgeries. There should be no reason I can't conceive at this point. I discovered that even though I had tried to shed my label consciously, I was hanging onto it subconsciously like a security blanket. It was how I had come to identify myself for the last 4 years.

I then realized that I needed to learn how to truly shed this label. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to make the mental shift from identifying myself as an infertile first and foremost to being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, ex-infertile. How exactly does one go from bumping their primary title to the end of the list? It was a thought that overwhelmed me, and I knew I couldn't do it alone. I came to the conclusion that the biggest and best place to start was with my blog. It was time to turn over a new leaf.

The very next morning I put in an order with my fellow infertile blogger Marla who does blog design on the side. I knew there was no one more perfect to help me with the makeover than someone who knew my story and where I was coming from. We spent the next week working together to create something beautiful and amazing. The new face of Chelle!

I have turned over a new leaf in my story of infertility and am moving my infertile label to the end of the list of things I am.

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Reality Bites:

While Marla was busy making my new blog design, I was visiting my RE for a followup ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus since going on the patch on Tuesday. The first thing out of Dr. D's mouth was that my lining had not improved as much as he had hoped. It was definitely better, but still not where he wanted it to be. I was at 7.8mm, and he wanted it to be an 8. I asked where it was on Tuesday, 4.6 and he wanted it to be 7.8 that day. He then instructed me to start wearing a second patch for the duration of my cycle, changing them out every three days. If I get pregnant, I will have to continue the patches through 12 weeks. If I don't get pregnant, I will discontinue the patch at the appearance of AF, and then start it up again on CD8 or 9. I will also have to go back in for another lining check on CD10.

It was at this point that I realized I will never get away from my infertility, whether I want to or not. I was right, this fight isn't the same as last time in so many ways. This time I am fighting a new foe on the front lines. Last time my endo was preventing me from ovulating. This time my lining isn't thick enough to support a pregnancy. (We won't even get into what has been going through my head regarding the last three cycles that didn't result in pregnancy but had unexplained spotting after ovulation.)

In some ways I feel defeated. In other ways I feel like this is just my lot and I need to accept it. Accepting it doesn't mean rolling over and giving up by any stretch of the imagination. It just means I need to add new weapons to my arsenal just like my infertility did. If it wants to fight different, I will fight different too. Bows and arrows or trebuchets, I don't care which. I refuse to go down without a fight. I'll wear these stupid patches, I'll go see the RE as often as I need to, I AM going to have another baby, if not two more. I am willing to fight just as hard this time as I did last time to build my family. Motherhood means that much to me. Providing my daughter with the joy of a sibling means that much to me. Giving my husband the children he wants means that much to me. I am not going to lose.

There is a lesson to be learned from this new battle, just as there was the first one. The first one was to help me truly appreciate the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm not sure what my lesson is in this battle yet, but I will figure it out. Maybe it is to remind me to persevere, or maybe it is to realize as much as I want to be in control, I never will be. I don't know yet, but one day I will, and just as I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my first battle, I will be grateful for the lessons I learn from this time.

One thing I can promise you, I will never take my children for granted, and I will be grateful every second of every day that I went through hell to get them here and won.

I'm on the Patch

Today has just been one of those days. The kind where you just can't wait for the sun to go down upon it so you can close your eyes and pretend it never happened. It was one of those days that shouldn't have been one of those days. It should have been a good day, but it wasn't.

Today I had a CD9 appointment with my RE (fertility doctor) to see if we could figure out why I keep spotting during my LP, since we know it is definitely not due to low progesterone. I thought we were just doing a sono, but he did a sonohystogram instead. As soon as he began the sono, he could see that my lining is not thick enough and is not quite where it should be for CD9, which is what he suspected may have been the problem the last couple months. He explained to me what he wanted to see at this stage in my cycle compared to what he was seeing on the monitor.

I started to cry. Why does this have to be a constant battle? How come every time I get to a place where I am ready to put the stress and worry about it from my life, it gives me another black eye? I asked him if this was my fault, if it was due to my stressing too much about it. He said he didn't think so. The body should produce plenty of estrogen whether or not I am in a stressful state.

I asked him if this cycle was a throw away, and he said no. He put me on an estrogen patch that I am to change out every three days. I don't know how long I will be on it yet, but I have to go back in on Thursday for another sono to check the progress of the lining.

I then asked how we knew my body was ready for pregnancy and that this wasn't a sign it wasn't. He showed me the repair site in the fundus of the uterus, and even I could see that the spot is healed and looks amazing. Even the scarring has gone down. He assured me it is healed enough for pregnancy.

The only other thing that could be causing the mid-cycle spotting is polyps, but he isn't ready to check for those just yet. He wants to give things another two months and go from there if necessary.

On my way to the RE, I had made a quick call to Baby Bean's pediatrician to get her in for an appointment. I was pretty sure she had pink eye and was concerned that she might have another ear infection. The poor little thing already has a yeast infection. Sure enough, it was all as I had suspected. I am sure she feels like she is getting kind of dumped on lately too. Poor baby girl.

As if that wasn't enough dumpy news for one day, apparently I threw my neck out playing that W.ii Dance game last night, so I couldn't turn my head to the right. It was so painful. So on our way from daycare to BB's pediatrician appointment, I stopped in at a chiropractic office I haven't been to since I was 6 months pregnant. I was prepared to beg to get an adjustment if I needed to. Luckily the chiropractor was able to fit me in for a quick adjustment, for which I was completely grateful. She got me done just in time for Baby Bean's appointment too.

But the fun didn't end there. After Baby Bean's appointment we went to Wal.mart to drop off our prescriptions. I went to the drive thru because I was in a hurry to get us lunch and get BB home for a nap. I put our papers in the vacuum shoot and sat there. And sat there. And sat there. I pushed the call button. Nothing. At this point, I was seriously ticked off. I had to park clear out in the lower 40, unbuckle BB, and hoof it inside just to give them a birth date so they could fill the stupid things. But I was so mad I did something completely out of character for me: I yelled at the people behind the counter. I have never in my life done that before.

After we left, we got lunch and BB went down for a nap. I watched a movie and put ice on my neck, an then put up Christmas lights in the bushes in front of our house. By the time I was done it was 4:00, so I grabbed BB and went to go get our prescriptions. When I got there, they told me my RE had not put the date on the prescription and they had not been able to get a hold of his office to have them verify it. So I got BB's prescriptions and made a quick call to the RE. The nurse told me she had tried to call them back, but they put her on hold forever and she finally hung up.

I told the pharmacist she was waiting for their call to which he replied he did not have time to call her back just then. I told him it was 4:30 and the doctor's office closed in half an hour. Then he made a big mistake. He told me he had all these people waiting in line for their prescriptions too and he was too busy to have anyone on his staff make the call.

EXCUSE ME?! I had dropped my prescription off FOUR HOURS before. They had PLENTY of time to get things straightened out, AND my doctor's nurse HAD called them back and they put her on hold until she hung up.

So what did I do? I let him have it. It wasn't like I had just dropped off the prescription and was being unreasonable. I needed it TONIGHT because I have an appointment in two days that hinges around the results of my starting that prescription TONIGHT. Add to that the whole situation from earlier today and I had had it. I finally just walked off. I was livid.

Just as I was walking away, the nurse called and said she had tried to call the pharmacy just then and couldn't get through. I told her what was going on and had her call it into a Tar.get pharmacy instead, vowing I would never bother the super busy Wal.mart pharmacy again. Not like they care, but *I* do.

A trip that should have taken me half an hour to pick up prescriptions turned into a two+ hour ordeal that left me wishing certain people were made out of chocolate so I could bite their heads off.

Luckily once I got home Hubs was able to defuse the situation and calm me down. I love that man.

And now, today is over. My patch is on, and I am ready to put this whole day behind me and forget it ever happened. I really loathe days like today.

Tradition!

When I was growing up we had an annual Christmas tradition where we made sugar cookies. All of us kids looked forward to that every year. What isn't fun about cutting out cookies, baking them, decorating them, and then eating the fruits of your labor?

Last year I started that tradition in my own home, only instead of sugar cookies, I have been making gingerbread cookies. This year Baby Bean is old enough to help out a bit more and with much less assistance from mama. I could not resist sharing some of the great pictures I got from today. This little girl is just so amazingly cute, especially when making cookies and "helping clean the kitchen."

There are also some super cute photos of her playing in the tubes her daddy bought for the playground he is going to build her next summer.

I don't know how many cookies we made, but there were probably 4 dozen gingerbread cookies, and 2.5 dozen chocolate chip cookies. Pretty much all of them will go to work with me tomorrow as my Christmas gift to my coworkers who LOVE my cookies, and have been looking forward to them since last year.

Without further ado, I give you some of the cutest pictures you will lay eyes on this Christmas!

Going for a Loop-di-Loop

A very small part of me is looking forward to the end of the holidays simply because all of the preparation that goes into Christmas will be over. That part is very, very small though. I love this time of year, and I love all of the craziness that comes with it. This year it seems like craziness is so much worse than in years past though. I am still struggling, zooming from one minute to the next to get to that point where I can finally sit back, relax with a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy all of my hard work in the form of a decorated tree, wrapped presents, lights on the house and in the yard, batches and batches of gingerbread cookies made complete with icing, Christmas cards posted, and gifts sent off.

Right now, despite the fact that all of my shopping was done before Thanksgiving, I am still a long ways away from that vision.

Now for something completely different.

I have a date with my RE on CD 10. That's right, this month was another Big Fat Failure on the baby front. I had called my RE's office on Friday when I started spotting 3 days early to make an appointment to get in to see him. I want to talk to him face to face about this problem and see what he thinks could be the cause, since it is obviously not low progesterone (my number last month was 28 - really high).

The lady who does his scheduling never called me back after I left a message, and I admit, I was bummed. They are usually so good about calling back. Today my husband woke me up from my nap because my RE was on the phone! He had gone into the office today to check the voice mail for the lady who handles the scheduling because she was on vacation.

This man obviously loves his job and cares about his patients. We talked for about 20 minutes while I told him what has been going on and explained I had already seen my OB to rule out anything obvious. So he wants to check my lining on CD 10 to determine if the problem is related to low estrogen, resulting in a thin lining, or if I just have a cranky ute from the surgery.

The thing that is most frustrating for me is that there is no "typical" with me because of my "impressive defect" (Dr. D's exact words). No one else has had this problem that any of the doctors I have seen can find. So no one can tell me this mid-cycle spotting is normal for my surgery or not. No one can say this should or shouldn't happen. There isn't a list of things my doctors should look for

"I am a lone reed." ~You've G.ot Mai.l

So, of course I am gearing up for another month in the trenches, once I got over the initial disappointment, of course. I am going to work on a better diet this next month that is geared toward fertility and see if that makes a difference. I also ordered another fertility supplement tonight that I will test out over the next couple of months and let you all know what I think. I have even decided that once my FSA kicks in in January, I am going to shell out for the hoo-ha sensor for my monitor. (Just in case you didn't know, the fertility monitor is considered FSA-reimbursable in most cases.)

I have realized over the last couple of days that I can never hand this fight over to God completely. I need to feel that I am doing my part. It isn't so much that I need control as it is I feel like I need to be proactive. I need to make sure that I feel like I am doing everything I can to make this happen, and for me that involves monitors, OPKs, supplements, and dietary adjustments. I'm okay with that. Especially because the last two will help get my body in better shape to accept a pregnancy. As I said in my last post, I am who I am, and I accept that.

In closing, I want to ask for prayers on behalf of my sister who delivered my baby niece yesterday at 30 weeks pregnant. She had gone in for another blood transfusion on the baby when they realized there was no amniotic fluid. So far both of them are doing really well. Please send them your love and prayers that things will continue to go well. Once again, you can visit her blog for details.

I Cheated. I am Weak.

I am who I am, and I accept that. I tried to hand everything over to God and not think about it, but on about CD16 I found five old OPKs under my bathroom sink while I was trying to pack for our Thanksgiving trip. I laughed when I noticed the expiration date was March 2010. But being the Infertile that I am, I could not simply toss the expired tests in the trash. Oh no. I giggled and thought it would be funny to see if they were still accurate. It was almost 11:00 at night. My bladder was nearly completely empty, but I just had to see if I could conjure up enough to use one of the tests, so I did. It came back positive. Again, I laughed. I then used three more the next day and watched as my LH surge ebbed away. The moral of the story is just because OPKs "expire" it doesn't mean they aren't still good.

So where does that leave us? In the Two Week Wait.

But I don't have time to think about that because I caught a nasty cold from Baby Bean, my own personal petri dish. Monday night I had a major sneezing fit that lasted a couple of hours. I thought it was allergies because the temps had gotten up into the 80s after weeks in the high 60s-low 70s. Tuesday afternoon at work I knew it wasn't allergies as the cold knocked me on my butt. I left work early and went home to sleep off the dizziness and fatigue that had set in. I didn't want to be sick for the Thanksgiving holiday, especially because we were going to spend the day with my husband's best friend and his heavily pregnant wife who is scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday.

I started popping zinc tablets like they were going out of style and downing the vitamin C, but Wednesday was worse than Tuesday. I went to work for maybe half an hour and then went back home to sleep.

Thursday morning we got up at 6:30 a.m. to leave the house by 7:00 and my husband asked multiple times (much to my annoyance) if I wanted to stay home. Of course I couldn't tell him I wanted to stay home. He rarely sees his best friend. I just vowed to stay clear of J, his best friend's pregnant wife, as much as I could. The last thing I want to do is get her sick before she has a baby in a few short days! I did take her shopping though to help her get the last of the baby items she needed, and we had a great time. I just made sure to cough into tissues and use lots of hand sanitizer.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We ate at J's brother's house with his adorable family. They served a very tasty meal that was only beat out by their hospitality. They were so accommodating and generous. I couldn't thank them enough for letting us spend the day with them. If I couldn't be with my family, I am glad I was able to be with theirs.

Baby Bean has been having a hey day, skipping naps and going to bed late. We went to the Texas Renais.sance Fe.stival today and had a great time there. Baby Bean got to ride the ponys twice! She LOVED it. We rented her a wagon and it was so cute to watch her sit in the back and hold on to both sides of the wagon as she took in the sights. I was amazed when she wanted to share my beef jerky and actually ate it, rather than spitting it out or tossing it on the ground. She officially learned how to screw lids on and off water bottles today too.

We have had a great few days. My husband's friends are like family to him, and I am thankful to be accepted into their fold. They are such great people, and I am so glad they are in our lives.

I hope everyone out there in the U.S. had as good a holiday as we did. :)

Wish Granted

I am not quite ready to do my product review on any of the fertility products I just bought. I am waiting until at least this cycle is over to give my final say. I never did like people who gave product reviews on something they just barely bought and have only used a couple of times. I give way more stock into the ones where the user has had the product for at least a few months, and even better if they have had it for a year or more. The reason I wrote that is because I am about to give you a little insight into the Ov.acue Fertil.ity Mon.itor (herein referred to as OFM), but I don't want what I write to be taken as a review by any stretch.

In my last post I expressed my desire to quit focusing so much on trying to get pregnant. I wanted to hand it all over to God and let things be in His time, not mine. I want to hand the reigns over and go back to living my life the way I had from the time my daughter was born until three months ago when we were finally able to try for another baby. I want to focus on living each moment and paying attention to the things that really matter and not my fertile signs.

After I wrote that post I came to the firm resolve that no matter what happened with the monitor, I would not use OPKs this month. That is a HUGE step for me. ENORMOUS. OPKs have become my comfort and solace, my safe place, and my indication that all is well with the world. In fact, I am sure the makers of OPKs cried when I bought my monitor, and I am sure they cried even more when I decided they weren't going to be a back up plan this month.

I started using the OFM on CD5 this month because that was the soonest I could get it in my hot little hands, which also happened to be the very last day of your cycle that you can start using it. They recommend CD2. The first few days it told me I wasn't fertile, we which all knew. Then on CD11, it told me I was possibly fertile. I was a bit surprised, but went with it. It then predicted that my peak fertile day would be on CD14. It bases this off an average of 5-7 days after you first enter your possible fertile phase. I waited for CD14 to come, and for the color of the day to change from "highest fertility" to "highly fertile." It didn't. So then I waited for CD15 (today) to change from "highly fertile" to "highest fertility." It didn't. But I know I am just as fertile today as I was yesterday based on my body cues.

My next step was to hop onto their website to see what a typical cycle looked like just to gauge my readings. It was then that I found out the first couple months are basically throw away months, just like the first few months of fertility treatments. The monitor is going to use my readings from this cycle and next to determine what is fertile for me. Right now it is going off of what happens for women on average. There is one way to be able to tell exactly if I ovulate this month, but that entails buying a va-jay-jay sensor for another $100, which I am just not willing to do right now. It's Christmas, and I don't need it that bad.

What does this mean to me? It means my wish was granted. This monitor isn't going to tell me anything this month or even next. Right now, it is getting to know me just as much as I am getting to know it.

So as of this afternoon, my fertility has officially been handed over to God. I've done my part to ensure everything is in working order, and I will do my part to make things happen, but I am done stressing about it. Our next baby is now in His time, not mine.

It is amazing how freeing writing that last sentence is.

Take it away God!

The Wrong Way?

Infertility is such a curse. I hate how the more you want to be pregnant, the harder it is to get pregnant. So you try not to think about it. You put on your game face whilst also pretending you are calm, cool, collected, and could care less if you got pregnant. But underneath it all, you know you want a baby more than anything. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't care if it doesn't work out this month or next, you can't think about anything else.

You remind yourself multiple times throughout every day what cycle day you are on. You are constantly going to the loo to check your fertile signs, giving yourself a mental high five when things look good, telling yourself its no big deal if you aren't fertile yet because you know it's coming, or trying not to freak out when things don't seem to be going according to plan.

You are constantly mapping out your baby making plan, which changes almost every minute of every day, depending on your mood or what you found in the loo 15 minutes ago.

You distract yourself with work. "I am a very busy woman, after all. I can't sit here and focus on making babies all day. I have work I need to get done." So you dig in, only to realize 5 minutes later you are working on your baby making battle plan again.

Of course all of this raises your prolactin levels, which I found out last month is an indication of stress, and therefore the higher your prolactin, the less likely you are to get pregnant because high levels inhibit ovulation. Fantastic.

It is a viscous cycle. It is never ending. It is fought minutely, hourly, daily, monthly, and sometimes yearly.

Sure, go on and tell me that I don't need to stress like this because I already won my first fight with infertility and have the most gorgeous baby girl on the planet to show for it. But you know what? That doesn't shut up my internal drive and desire to have more. God put these desires in all of us, and He made them strong. I can sit here and tell myself all day long that it doesn't matter if I don't get pregnant again because I already have a baby, but that does not change the fact that deep down, in my very core, I ache to have more children. I long with every fiber of my being to grow my family. I feel the obligation to help my husband prove his manhood by providing him with numerous offspring. Just because I have one, that desire does not diminish, and I didn't understand that until I was on this side of infertility.

I wish that I could find the strength within me to just let go of this battle and hand it over to God. I wish that I felt my relationship with God was close enough that I could ask Him to take this on with me. I am a good person, but I don't live my religion in the way that I should. By that I mean I don't go to church every Sunday. Heck, its been months since I've gone. I don't feel like I can ask God to help me when I haven't been doing one of the most basic things He has asked of me. I feel like if I start going now, it would seem that I am only going to get what I want. Aren't I? I am no fair weather friend to anyone, least of all to God.

But maybe I need to get over that and realize that if the relationship I have with God is anything like the relationship I have with my daughter, He will step in no matter what I have or haven't done because He loves me. There is nothing my daughter could do in this life that would make me turn my back on her and not help her when she needed it.

Maybe I need to put the fertility monitor in a drawer and leave the OPKs out of the picture. But how do I do that without stressing? Maybe that stupid monitor makes me stress more than I would otherwise. But I can't envision life without some kind of concrete indication of my fertility besides the signs my body is supposed to give me. It's all I have known for the last 4.5 years with the exception of the year during my pregnancy.

I want to let this go. I want to hand it over to God and trust Him completely. I just don't know how. This has become so much a part of who I am. So much a part of my daily life. It would be a hard habit to break, and one that in this moment seems impossible. If I hadn't just spent hundreds of dollars on my fertility monitor along with vitamins and a relaxation series, I'd quit paying attention to this cycle right now.

This is so difficult. It never seems to get easier either. No matter which side of things you are on. I guess the only way to break a habit is one day at a time. I just wish I had the power within me to start breaking it tonight.

Neglecting the DVR Too

Wow my life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. I feel like I have seriously been neglecting the blogs, but it isn't due to lack of interest, believe me. Lately, even my DVR has been neglected. I mean, its Saturday night right now and I still haven't watched G.lee! I am being realistic when I say the neglect will probably continue on through the rest of the year. There is just so much to be done between now and Christmas. It isn't going to slow down, that much I can say.

I went out of town Monday morning on a business trip to San Jose. I thought for sure I would have plenty of time to catch up on blogs after work when I went back to sit all alone in my hotel room from 5:00 to bed time. WRONG! Oh no, my counterpart at the division there took good care of me. I didn't get into the hotel until 8:30 the first night, which was 11:30 Texas non-adjusted daylight savings time, so all I wanted to do was go to bed (I did catch up on a couple blogs that night though).

At 8:00 on Monday morning I was being jet-propelled toward CA. I guess I didn't realize how long the flight was or I would have taken another book. I brought with me the second of the Twi.light books. I was about half way through and thought it would get me to CA and back. The flight ended up being almost 4 hours, and by the time we landed, I only had a couple chapters left of the book, so I had to go find the 3rd book before I left. I got into the office at around 10:00 a.m. thanks to the time difference, and then spent the day meeting all of the crew who does the same job I do. They have 6 people doing what I do, only they do so much more than me. The whole purpose of my trip was to find out what they do that I don't, in addition to aligning our two groups between the two divisions. (When I got back to work and people asked why I went, I told them about our intentions to align... and then slowly take over the company. lol) The night ended with a tasty dinner at the Chee.se C.ake Factory, complete with chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake.

The second day I was there was probably the best as far as fun goes. At around 2:30 in the afternoon a couple of us drove out to San Francisco to meet one of our vendors and spend the rest of the day and that night just hanging out around town. Our point of contact for that company, AG, asked us what we wanted to do. Their offices are located near the Bay Bridge, so I asked how close we were to Pier 39 because I hadn't been there since I was 17. He told us it was only about a 10-15 minute walk. My feet already hurt because of my shoe choice, but I chose to ignore their nagging pains and have fun instead. So we started walking. It started to sprinkle. We kept on walking. It sprinkled harder. We kept on walking. And walking. AG kept turning around and telling us it was probably only another 10-15 minutes, so we kept walking. I think we walked for about 45-60 minutes. AG apologized and said he was spatially inept when we did finally get there and I just laughed. I told him some of the best memories are when you get caught in the rain, and that I am seriously spatially inept too.

We then spent the next few hours walking around the Pier in search of a rubber seagull. I bought one last time I was there at 17, and it had sat in my back car window for years until it disintegrated and fell apart. We never did find one, but we sure did have fun looking. It reminded me of hanging out with friends in my pre-married days.

I had rented a full-sized car for the trip, but of course they were out of that size, so I ended up with a F.ord Ex.cursion. I can honestly say that perspective is an amazing thing. I now have a new-found respect for people who can park those monster things between lines. That thing was HUGE! My favorite memory of the vehicle is when I accidentally threw it into reverse and backed into the wall of a parking garage. :D Hey, I don't drive automatics. My car is a manual, so pulling the shifter back is putting a car in second gear to me.

I always forget how much traveling beats you up until I am well into the trip. All of the added stress of trying to catch flights, getting through security, lugging around luggage, finding where you need to go. It takes a lot out of a person. By the time I left SJ my feet were screaming bloody murder and refused to be in shoes on the plane ride home. My shoulders and back were like rocks. They were so tight you couldn't even feel knots that needed to be massaged out. In fact, it was only today that I could start to feel things loosen up into knots.

All-in-all the trip was worth every penny. I learned SO MUCH, and I had a great time to boot. I did really, really miss my baby though. It was so hard being away from her. The morning I left, her daddy held her while she cried and called for me as I ran out the door to catch my flight. B-R-U-T-A-L! Then when I got home, it was like she was mad at me for leaving, and it took her a couple of days to warm back up to me. She didn't really want much to do with me until she realized I wasn't leaving again and that I am still her mom and didn't change. We're back on good terms again now though, and that is all that matters.

Now life is all about getting ready for the holidays, and believe me, I am working on it!

Thank a Veteran

If you live in U.S.A. and are enjoying your freedom today, take a minute to thank those who fight for that right.

This is for my little brother and my high school chum, Ken, who selflessly give in the name of all that is right, fair, and good every day of their lives. Thank you for doing what you do.

All of the pictures in the following slide show are from my brother, taken during his travels around the world, to war and otherwise, in the name of freedom.

P.S. I had to recycle this post, so if you see you already commented on it, it is because I originally posted this video for Memorial day back in June. I'll explain myself later. ;)

Try, Try Again

Sometimes, because my blog is only semi-private and shows up in my FB status, I can't just come right out and write what is on my mind because I don't want that information to be on the forefront of my FB status. lol If people see I have posted and want to read what the post is all about they can click on the link and read on to their heart's content. Although it is sometimes bothersome to me to not be able to jump right into the meat of a post. Oh well, I suppose I will get over it.

I met with my doctor on Friday and I am so glad I did. I just had to know what was up with her not ordering a progesterone test. It turns out, her nurse miscommunicated with her and told her I had started my period the day I went in to have my blood drawn to test my thyroid and prolactin. As such, my doctor really didn't see the point in doing a progesterone test, which is why she told me to come in 7dpo next cycle. It took us a few minutes to figure that out though, and the only reason she did is because she asked for the date of my LMP, when I told her October 9, she asked when the one I had between that was. I told her I hadn't had it yet. *light bulb goes off* We are back on great terms, and happy that we cleared up the confusion. She told me had her nurse not told her I was on my period, she would have happily re-ordered the progesterone test on 7dpo. So next month, I will be back in for a test on 7dpo.

If you paid attention to that last sentence you will realize this month, sadly, did not work out, despite the awesome 28 progesterone number. In fact, I think I actually ovulated the day I got my positive OPK instead of the day after because my visitor is here a day early. The weird thing is, I am not upset. The thing that makes that weird is I thought I just might be. It felt different, I was hopeful, I felt good about this cycle. But today when I realized it hadn't worked I just thought, "Bummer. Oh well, we'll try again!"

I decided that I am done wasting money on OPKs every month though. Back when we were doing fertility treatments, I wanted so badly to buy an ovulation monitor. I had researched them, gone in and looked at them at the store, but never bought one. I think it was because I couldn't justify spending money on the strips more than anything when I could use cheaper OPKs. But they have a new monitor out now that analyzes your saliva and was on sale for $250. It's called Ov.acue. It is supposed to be really awesome. I talked to my husband about it and told him that in the last three months alone I had spent over $70 on OPKs. I also reminded him that we want more than one more baby, so this thing should get plenty of use and pay for itselt. He finally told me I could go ahead and get it, so I ordered it this afternoon. I will let you all know how it works and give it my thumbs up or thumbs down.

I also ordered some meds that are supposed to help with your CM. It is supposed to make it more fertile and more abundant. There were about 60 reviews on the site about it, and most of them were 5 stars. I figured I could buy a bottle and give it a try for a month. If I like it, I'll buy more if I need to. I thought this was a product I could try and rate for all of you as well. I know we're all trying to find anything to boost our fertility, so my interest in these products is more than two-fold.

In addition to the above, one of my fellow blog friends tipped me off to a relaxation/visualization series focused on trying to conceive. It is a 28-day series called Cir.cle+Bl.oom that has a 10-15 minute daily relaxation/visualization session where you learn to take the stress away from trying to conceive and visualize your body preparing to be fertile and then accept a baby. If your cycle is longer than 28 days, as mine is, you just repeat a couple of the sessions from other days. I am BIG on things like this. I have been into meditation for a long time to help calm and relax me. I am also a firm believer in the power of visualization, so this is right up my alley.

I really don't care if we don't get pregnant right away using these three things. I just look forward to using them and seeing the difference they make toward my overall fertile health. I also like the idea of providing information on potentially great products that my fellow infertiles might find helpful. I feel like I have provided some great information this past week around progesterone levels, so why not keep the good info coming?

Side note: I am not being paid to endorse any of these products. I just want to find great products that can help all of us achieve our pregnancy dreams.

I Just Have to Tell Ya

I have a few things I want to share tonight. Some are happy, like really, really happy, and some are sad.

So, I got a call from my RE's nurse tonight after I got home. I was sitting with Baby Bean in our family room, an entire house away from where my cell phone sat tucked away in my purse, when my phone started ringing. The girls are really sore right now, and it hurt to run, so I had to grab on and make a mad dash to answer the phone before it went to voice mail. When I answered, it was the person I most wanted to hear from today.

I waited with bated breathe for her to give me my progesterone results. Are you ready for this number? I can tell you right now it is 7 higher than I hoped it would be, which was 3 times higher than I tested in my OB's office at 3dpo. If you just did quick math you would know my progesterone level was

28!!!

That's right, TWENTY EIGHT at 7dpo!

I was gobsmacked. I laughed and started doing a happy dance right there. I told the nurse about the problem with my OB and how she said my levels were only 7.5 at 3dpo and that she didn't think I had ovulated. The nurse then told me exactly what I had found in my google search, and that is that my RE considers anything above a 5 indicative of ovulation, so either way I knew I had ovulated.

TWENTY EIGHT!

I need to go through my old charts back when we first started doing infertility treatments and see what those numbers were. I'm curious now.

I wish I had thought to ask if 28 meant there was more than one corpus luteum in there since my OB had mentioned after my u/s that it looks like I could have ovulated off both sides this month. Maybe I will ask my doctor that tomorrow when we have our WTF appointment. (Sorry mom, that's what it's called here in infertile-land.)

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Ladies, I need all of you to give a shout out to and say a prayer for my sister please. She is about 25-26 weeks pregnant and just found out last week that her Rh antibodies are attacking her baby's blood. This means that her white blood cells are trying to kill her baby. They view it as a virus.

Because she has already lost a pregnancy at 24 weeks, she knows when things don't feel right, and last week she knew something was up. She went in and demanded her doctors take a close look at her baby, and it is a good thing they did. If they hadn't my niece might not be alive right now. Typical hemoglobin levels are around 14. This is the iron-containing oxygen-transport metalloprotein in the red blood cells. In other words, it what makes your life juice move. Her baby's hemoglobin levels were 1.9.

They had to do a blood transfusion on the baby that day, which is very risky. It is right up there with an amnio, if not worse. They actually have to transfuse blood into the baby's umbilical cord. Luckily the first transfusion worked, but it only brought her levels up to an 8. My sister had to go in again earlier this week for another transfusion, which brought her levels up a little bit further. She will have to go in again next week, and then hopefully it will only be every 2-3 weeks for the remainder of her pregnancy.

They think with the transfusions they can keep the baby alive and the pregnancy going, but with every transfusion, there is the risk of early labor.

The low hemoglobin also created other problems in that it resulted on water on the baby's brain and heart. They say the transfusions will help clear this up, and that there will be no lasting side effects.

Needless to say, she is in a very scary place right now. Having already lost a baby at 24 weeks, she is even more nervous. Please, visit her blog and give her some words of encouragement. Send her some love and prayers.

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I don't want to leave this blog on such a sad note, so I will end by telling you a cute story.

Yesterday when Baby Bean and I got home for the day, I pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. I turned around and asked, "Where is Baby Bean?" She replied, "Baby Bean is in the car."

I laughed and was astonished at the fact that my daughter already grasps that concept. She is so amazingly intelligent. In fact, her daycare teacher was prompted by her supervisor to teach BB a new word every day, and to keep track of the new words she learns. Her teacher created an art project with a little paper pot, and for every word each child learns each day, she will create a leaf to put in their individual pots. She hung these up on the cabinets in the classroom.

When she told me about the new project she laughed and said, "Your daughter's pot is going to fill up faster than anyone else's and is going to need a whole wall!" Oh my sweet baby girl. Her mama's wish for her to be intelligent is coming true, even at an early age.

VICTORIOUS!!!

Guess who just went and had her blood let to test for progesterone levels?

ME!!!

I called my RE's office, and they called in a test for me.

I WIN!!!

My OB can cram it with walnuts!

And... I hope I get to share my positive ovulation results with her on Friday.
Especially considering I was looking up typical progesterone levels on google today and I found that anything 5 or above MID-LUTEAL PHASE is indicitive of ovulation. So 5 or higher around 7 dpo. However, most medical professionals like to see 10 or above on non-medicated cycles, and 15 or above on medicated cycles.

I was 7.5 3dpo! THREE DAYS PAST OVULATION. So guess who is pretty darn sure she ovulated this month?

ME!!!!

Dear Dr. L,

Thank you for running two completely unnecessary blood tests yesterday instead of doing a progesterone draw today like you should have. It was definitely in my best interest to take blood work that wasn't necessary versus what I asked and needed. Thank you for wasting my time and blood, and for making my arms sore from all of the blood letting.

While I love you to bits as an OB, I do not like you as an RE. Our relationship outside of pregnancy and general female exams is herewith withdrawn.

Have a nice day,
Chelle

The Possible White Flag

Mom, you might want to skip this post. Fair warning.

Last Friday I went into my doctor's office on CD21 for a blood draw to test my progesterone levels. At the time I thought about asking if the levels would be high enough to accurately predict ovulation, as it had only occurred three days previous. But I didn't. Mostly because my doctor was hard-nosed last month and would not do a blood draw when I called on CD21 to request one and didn't get a call back until the next day, which was then CD22. They told me it was too late, and I would have to wait until next month. I actually talked about that in this post.

So this month, I showed up to her office on CD 21 for my blood draw, per her instructions last month. I got the results back today. 7.5. At first I tried to choke back the tears as the nurse told me they wanted me to come in for more blood work to test my thyroid and prolactin levels. When I googled the last one at work, it said it is a hormone that is released by stress and can cause infertility.

IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME TO RELAX I AM GOING TO SHOVE A COW UP THEIR YOU KNOW WHAT AND TELL THEM TO RELAX TO GET IT OUT!!!

If I had a dime for every time I have been told to relax, I could afford a round of IVF for all of us.

In other words, I was pissed.

So I went in to get my blood drawn, and I asked the tech if she would please test my progesterone levels even though the nurse on the phone had put me on hold when I told her the last test was only 3dpo, asked if that was why it could be low, and if we could test it again. When she came back, she told me my doctor said no. WTF?!?!?! Aren't I the one who is paying for these tests?! It's not like I'm asking for medication. I am asking you to take my blood, send it to a lab, and have it analyzed for my peace of mind. IS THAT REALLY ASKING TOO MUCH?!

The tech said she would run the test anyway and then ask my doctor if it was okay. She then took extra blood for the progesterone test. My doctor's assistant walked by just then and asked how I was doing. I bawled like a baby, and just like I bawled on my way out of work and to the doctor's office. I ended up sitting there talking with my doctor's nursing staff for about 10 minutes, crying and saying that I didn't want to go through this again. Of course they all told me to relax and that it would happen. Ummm... I'm keeping my keys from typing lots of bad words because my mom reads this blog, but know that I am really thinking them.

So on my way out, the tech who took my blood catches up to me and tells me my doctor won't sign off on the progesterone test. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?! Does she realize that her lack of interest in helping me determine if I ovulated is raising my prolactin levels WAAAY more than anything else? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT?! So I asked the tech again about the possibility that last time was too early, and why they can't just run the test again today. She said she would talk to my doctor and call me back.

Now here's where it gets even better, if you can believe that.

So I am currently 6dpo. The nurse calls and says my doctor won't do another progesterone test until I am 7dpo NEXT MONTH! I told her I would be 7dpo tomorrow. Why can't I come back in and do the test then? My doctor won't do it.

WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP?!?! ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?!

Can someone please, for the love of everything holy, explain this to me?

My insurance will cover the cost of the test and it will give this infertile who is suffering some SERIOUS post-traumatic stress disorder some stress relief. Why the hell can't it be done?

I was so freaking angry and defeated. I gave away all of my pregnancy tests and OPKs, I gave away ALL of my baby gear to my sister, and I tossed my prenatals. If the one person in this world who is supposed to help me get pregnant besides my husband won't, then why bother? If she thinks I'm coming to her next month for a progesterone check, she's fooling herself. I'm PISSED.

It was amazing how much I calmed down when I picked up my daughter from daycare. She was so happy, and I was so happy to be around her after the ordeal today. I just let all of it go and focused 100% on her and how happy I am that she is here. When my husband got home (after numerous emails about the testing BS), he was quite surprised to find Baby Bean and I playing on the bed, giggling. I did nothing tonight but played with her. Nothing else mattered.

So here is my new plan: I am going to call my RE tomorrow morning and beg them to order a progesterone test for me. If my dammed OB won't do it, I'll go over her head and cut her out of my TTC picture. There is ZERO excuse for her to not help me out. I will then ask him to take over my cycles from now on and do all future progesterone tests with him. I know for a fact he won't put me through what my OB did today. I am still gobsmacked that she did. It costs more to see him, but who gives a flying rat's @$$? I NEED results and NOW. I need someone who understands the mind of an infertile and what it takes to truly address and assuage their fears.

I can tell you right now though, that if I didn't ovulate this month, my white flag will be at half mast. I will give it one more month, and if I don't ovulate next month, I am pulling out of TTC. I REFUSE to do treatments again. I just can't do that to myself, my husband, or my baby. Especially my baby. Those hormones make me all kinds of crazy, and I have zero desire to re-introduce them.

I did schedule an appointment with my OB for this Friday just so that I can ask her why the hell she wouldn't do a progesterone test. She can escape me if she is with other patients, but she can't escape me if I am the patient. I want answers!

I have asked myself multiple times tonight if I am acting a little bit crazy. Perhaps I am, just a tad. But what it all comes down to is that my doctor is being completely stupid. There is no reason she couldn't order the test to placate me.

Seriously though, I am NOT pulling my prenatals out of the garbage. I am still way too livid for that. I am still giving away all of my testing supplies too. I just can't stand being this person, and the only way to avoid it is to pull myself out of the game. Watch for that white flag.

HaPpY HaLlOwEeN!

I decided that instead of creating a post that was a mile long full of spooktacular Halloween photos, I would do another slide show, but before we get to that, I have a few things to say.

First off, I was Alice in Wonderland for Halloween this year. My costume was inspired by my bestest friend, who made her costume, and dressed as The Queen of Hearts. She spent 3.5 weeks making her costume, and because she is oober talented, you would be amazed at how much more incredible it looks in person. In fact, we went to Wally World the other night and she went in costume. I can't remember how many people asked to take pictures with her, but it was close to a dozen. Together we won best team costume at work, my BFF won best overall costume, and my desk won best decoration. Harrah!

I would also like it to be noted that my hair is actually quite long in real life. In looking through our family photo session, the shortest of my layers was all you could see, making it look merely shoulder length. No friends, it is almost down to my waist! I have been growing it out since Baby Bean was 4 months old when I chopped it off because it was falling out post-pregnancy.

Baby Bean had a BLAST trick-or-treating. She got her first go at my work Halloween party where she proved that tiny hands can grab quite a bit. Every desk we stopped by she would grab a handful of candy (provided for free from HR), put it in her bucket, and then grab another handful of candy. I think she grabbed four handfuls from the HR office and then at least two from every other desk after that. It was hilarious to see her carry, or rather drag, her overbriming basket down the aisles of cubes. Everyone got a kick out of her and thought she was so pretty, they didn't care how much candy she took. They just loved looking at her.

Saturday morning we went to a Fall Festival hosted by our daycare. There Baby Bean got to experience her first bounce house. She seemed to like it okay, but she had a hard time staying upright. She also seemed to like the playgrounds better than anything else going on. She did get to do a bit of trick-or-treating there, and she also got to pick a free pumpkin, which she loved.

I have also found another reason to love Texas. I don't know about where you all are from, but here they have trick-or-treating just about everywhere. Tonight we visited our local outdoor mall where they hosted a major event. About half of the stores participating in handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters. BB had a blast, as did her mom and dad.

We plan on taking BB trick-or-treating around our neighborhood for a bit on actual Halloween night, but that is only because Hubs wants to take the dogs out and show of their rider costumes. He said I spent the money on them, we're going to show them off. We certainly don't need anymore candy in our house. That much I can promise you. I think my daughter got more candy this year than I did as a kid. Heaven help my thighs... and my husbands beer belly.

On that note, I leave you with the highlights from this year's Halloween!

First Family Photos

Sorry friends, if you missed this post, I had to take the pictures down. It was a short-time deal. If my husband knew I had them up, he'd probably be mad. I didn't see the harm in sharing for a few days though.

Stay tuned for the Halloween post!

I am so excited to share this with all of you. A couple weekends ago we went and had our first professional family photos taken. As you can see by the slide show below, they turned out great!

I've got a really fun post up my sleeve, but it will have to wait for another day or so. It is going to take some work on the back end, and then it will be up for your viewing pleasure. Until then, feast your eyes on my wonderfully beautiful little family. :)

Regularly Scheduled Programming to Resume Shortly

Sorry friends, I've been taking a bit of a break from blogging this week to just spend time with my family and actually get to bed early in an attempt to clear my sleep debt. I will be catching up with everyone this weekend. I hope I didn't miss anything really big.

Normal Blogging will resume shortly....

Pumpkin Patch

I am going to apologize up front if this post is not coherent. It is almost 1:00 a.m., but I really wanted to put up these pictures tonight. So if this post isn't my most eloquent or it is choppy, you will have to forgive me.

Today was a day that pooped out my daughter and I alike. It started out with the three of us going to get our first professionally taken family photos. In fact, they were the first professional photos my husband and I have ever had together too. My cousin took our engagement and wedding photos, so this was our first time setting foot in a studio as a family. The session went great and we got some fantastic photos. I can't wait to get them back in a couple of weeks.

Getting our pictures taken took all morning and into the afternoon. We didn't get home until 2:00, which was well past Baby' Bean's naptime. It just takes so long to pick prints and then get them ordered and paid for. Luckily even though BB fell asleep in the car, she pretty much zonked after we got her into her crib. I cleaned up the house a little bit, and then laid down for a nap myself.

At around 5:00, my friend J and her two boys and step-son came over so that we could go visit our local Pumpkin Patch. I had never been before and was pretty excited to go spend time with J and all of our kids. We weren't there for very long, but the kids did get to go on a pony ride and a barrel train ride. Afterward, we went to dinner, and then headed home.

While the day doesn't sound crazy busy, it was. It left me wondering if I really do want more than one baby, because I swear sometimes my daughter has eight arms and they are all reaching for and throwing things at the same time. Luckily, I am really in love with my child, and so my patience is abundant.

I am going to go to bed now, but before I do, here are some of the super cute pictures I got of the Pumpkin Patch tonight.

Oh My, My

Remember how last Friday I Baby Bean got sick from daycare and I hoped it was just food poisoning? Well, it wasn't. It lasted all weekend and clear on through Monday. The poor little bug was sick as a dog. The weird thing is, after Friday night, it was only during the night time. She would wake up throwing up between the hours of 2:00-4:30 a.m. for the next few nights, but then be completely fine during the day. It was so sad.

But let us not dwell on my daughter not feeling well. Instead, let us speak of her accomplishments!

You know how all parents are so proud of their little ones and wonder if their child is ahead of the curve? Well, I am no exception. However, I have been humble about my baby's accomplishments because I don't have any other children around on a constant basis by which to compare her.

I have known for quite some time that she is mastering the English language very well. Her comprehension astounds me. She has been stringing words together for months now, which I knew was a bit ahead of the curve. "Kitty, where are you?"

She can tell you exactly what she wants. "More milk please." (Yes, she always says please and thank you.) "Down. Walk." (i.e., I want down so I can walk.)

She can tell you what hurts and what doesn't feel good when she is sick."Tummy hurts." "Finger hurts." Then you kiss it and she says, "All better!"

She can tell you what almost every single animal says, including elephants. "Duckies! Quack, quack!"

She understands directions well, even the ones where you tell her to turn around to face you so you can put her in her car seat, or when you tell her to put her sippy cup in her stroller tray. She knows what it means when you ask her if she is all done with her milk and wants to put it in the fridge. She can even tell the dogs to come or get out of her way.

She gives real kisses, and sometimes without being asked. She gives hugs, and the best hugs I have ever had.

Today when I picked her up from daycare, her teacher could not sing my daughter's praises enough. She said she is by far ahead of all of the other children in the class, and wonders if my daughter will be one of those students who gets bored with school because she doesn't get challenged enough. She told me BB knows every single one of the other kid's names in her class and the other one, including their nicknames. She tells them how to say thank you when she gives them something, and then tells them they are welcome. Her teacher never wonders what BB wants, because BB tells her.

Everywhere we go people comment on how smart she is. Just tonight we were at Wal.mart picking up a baby gift for a friend, and the cashier just couldn't get enough of her. I've been through his checkout before, and he has never been so friendly. He was amazed at how well she spoke and how polite she was.

I knew my baby was smart, but I am starting to realize how smart she really is. That she really is ahead of other kids her age. I can't take all of the credit though. I think she gets her smarts from her daddy. That is part of the reason I married him. He is incredibly intelligent and was in GT classes in high school. He dropped out of college because he got tired of teaching for the teachers in the classes he majored in. He realized he already knew more than they did, so what was the point in wasting the money to go to college?

When I was pregnant, people would ask me what I wanted for my baby, and my answer was always, "That she will be smarter than me." It looks like I just might get my wish, and I hope I do.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It is time for something a little less depressing, so please, feel free to have a good laugh at the expense of my dogs. I did!

Here they are in their Halloween costumes. No hot dogs, no turning them into little furry humans, none of those cutsie dog costumes, oh no, my dog's costumers are so much better than that. I have turned them into...

RIDERS!

Sadie will wear her troll and LOVE it!

Maggie's jockey rider gets comfortable as he prepares for the race ahead.

And now, prepare to wet yourself with laughter as you enjoy the race of the century! Watch as my girls put Sea Biscuit and Secretariat to shame!

RESET!

Can I just say I am so extremely glad this week will officially be over in 11 minutes? That's right, it is almost midnight on Saturday night, and I am awake, blogging in bed, but not for long.

This past week just sucked major ________ (insert noun of your choice). I can't believe it hasn't even been a full week since Monday yet. Let's see what happened that made this past week complete and utter _______ (insert adjective of your choice).

1. We had to put my 14-year-old cat down.
2. I wasn't there when my cat "went to sleep" to tell him goodbye, to pet him, and to love him in his final moments.
3. I had the craziest cycle that led me to worry about my fertility for the first time in years and ended with the oh-so-lovely appearance of AF.
4. I am the fattest I have ever been aside from when I was pregnant, despite watching what I eat and getting out for regular walks.
5. I picked my daughter up from daycare early yesterday and headed to the craft store to do a little retail therapy from this past week. As soon as I had her in the cart and we were off to shop, she puked all over the place.
   
6. I had to strip my daughter down to her diaper just outside the store and put her puke-covered clothes into a bag from the craft store, and then carry my child across the parking lot while carrying a bag that made it look like I had just taken my baby out shopping in public in just a diaper. I am sure people thought I was probably Br.ittney S.pears.
7. My daughter then threw up 4 more times, totalling 5 times in 4 hours. It was food poisoning. Guess who gets to talk to the daycare on Monday?
8. I was supposed to do a Race for the Cure this morning, but due to #5-7, I was unable to attend. I was going to go with my best friend J and her two sons. We had been planning this for about 6 weeks. We had paid our dues, gotten our t-shirts and race packets, and had plans to do brunch afterward. This post was supposed to be a recap of the race, complete with pictures of our children enjoying the walk and the festivities afterward.
   

But you all know me, you can't keep a good Chelle down for long. I finally got out to do my retail therapy today, and threw money in the following places:

1. Our local farmers market on fresh, organic, local, whole milk; and fresh, organic, locally grown vegetables.
2. UPS store, sending the antique heirloom baby crib back to my sister who is somewhere around 22 weeks pregnant, along with all of her awesome burp rags (seriously, they are awesome and you can't find that kind anymore) and some baby clothes. It was the first of at least two baby gear shipments.
3. The grocery store. They had Dr. Pe.pper on sale for .88 cents. Hubs drinks the stuff like water, and that price makes it a steal. It's usually $1 on sale and about $1.25 when its not. I also had to buy party favors for my unwanted visitor. I hate her.
4. Wally world, where I bought the last three books in the Tw.ilight series (and at about $5 less than at B&N), along with some much desired fall decor and a new lamp for my front room.
5. Ho.bby L.obby for some more much desired fall decor. Baby Bean kept trying to steal the plastic coated styro.foam beads of my garlands to eat them.

Of course, upon arriving home and hearing how much I had spent, Hibs took my credit card away. *sheepish grin* Oh well. It was worth it.

At any rate, I'm glad this week is over, and I pray that next week makes up for the crap that took place over the last 6 days. I know I will at least enjoy the next week basking in all my new fall decor and reading my books.

SNAFU

For those of you already in The Know, I don't need to say anything further about the title of this post. For those of you who aren't, you're about to be in The Know. The acronym SNAFU stands for: Situation Normal, All F*cked Up. There is also the ever popular FUBAR that somewhat helps describe my recent situation, and it stands for: F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition.

I went to the doctor today and left shaking my head while thinking, "SNAFU, typical."

Long story short, we're running a battery of tests in a feeble attempt to determine what caused my crazy cycle full of spotting. What we DO know is that I am NOT pregnant. For sure. I mean it this time. There is no hold the phone, no jumping the gun. I'm not pregnant (the pee test told me so).

Tomorrow I will get back the results of a blood draw that is testing for hCG levels (to rule out an ectopic due to some pains I have been having on the right side near the end of the fallopian tube), progesterone (to see if the number is even elevated), and thyroid (because we all know that can mess us up). I also had a pap done to rule out any of that monkey business, as well as a pelvic exam to check for fibroids or a potential ectopic, neither of which "felt" like they were the problem. My doctor scheduled a sono for the 18th, just after AF leaves to check the lining and make sure nothing funky has happened since I saw my RE just over 10 weeks ago (has it really been that long?!).

I told my doctor about the lack of +OPK and she said it could have been a bum pack, especially where I felt the ovulation pain the next day and the fact that AF has in fact showed up right on time.

I asked why all of a sudden I was having crazy cycles. Of course she cited stress, and I told her about how I was definitely up in my cycle's mug the first try we had out of the gate. I then told her how I felt when it didn't work out and how I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore, so I decided to not care and was all zen about this cycle... until 5dpo when all of this stupid spotting and stopping showed up.

My doctor said what I thought she would, and that is that we can't determine anything from this cycle alone. It could have been a fluke. She has patients that have this happen to them once and then never again. Sometimes it happens every now and then, but it doesn't mean anything. We just have to wait and see how the next cycle or two go before we can start determining there is a problem.

So where does that leave me right now? FRUSTRATED beyond belief! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. I don't understand how I had PERFECT cycles as soon as my IUD came out and the entire time we were forced to not TTC, and now that we can try, I'm all SNAFU again! I just want to throw a screaming, foot stomping, fists in a ball fit!

I HATE WAITING WHEN IT COMES TO MY FERTILITY! I'M SO SICK OF THAT GAME!

But I will wait, and I will do what I have to do. I will also calm down once I get all of this off my chest, and I will go back to being zen. I'll do the OPKs and I'll do a progesterone blood draw on CD21 every month until I get pregnant because I want to. I need peace of mind right now. In fact, that was the first thing I said to my doctor when she walked through the door because I knew she couldn't give me answers yet, "I just need you to calm my fears and give me peace of mind today." Tell me this is a fluke. Tell me I'm not broken... AGAIN.

Okay, I'm breathing now. In. Out. In. Out. I'm fine. I promise. I just really needed to get this out so I can move on.


Dear uterus,

Please quit being such a worthless piece of crap and thwarting my dreams of having the family I always dreamed of. I swear that if it becomes possible to grow a new uterus in a test tube in the future, I will do so, and I will have you removed and burned just to spite you.

I have been nothing but good and nice to you, and anything bad that has happened to you at the end of a scalpel is your own doing. Believe me, it hurt me too.

Now can we put all of this nastiness behind us and make a baby in a couple weeks, please?

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Chelle (aka your master)

Hold the Phone....

The bleeding is stopping.

What the deuce is going on in there?!

All I can say right now is I am soooo glad I have a dr appt at 1:00 today because I have a million questions. A million.

BFN

Guess who decided to show up two days early?

So not only do I not know if I even ovulated this month, but my visitor is also two days early.

I'm not disappointed about the fact that I'm not pregnant. I knew I wasn't, and I am okay with that. We'll just try again next month.

What I AM concerned about is the lack of +OPK and the early appearance of AF.

Crap.

I scheduled an appointment with my OB for tomorrow afternoon. I really don't want to have to do medicated cycles again....

Goodbye Frankie

Many people don't know this about me, and it saddens me greatly, especially today, but I had a cat named Frankie, whom I got when I was 17 years old from my brother-in-law's parents the weekend of my sister's and his wedding. As you all do know, I am HUGE animal lover. To me, my animals are not just animals, they are companions, they are best friends, they mean as much to me as people in my life do. They are very dear to me.

My kitty, Frankie, has lived with my parents since I moved out. Partly because I didn't want to uproot him from the only home he had ever known, but also because somewhere around the time I was 24-25, I became allergic to him. That didn't stop me from loving him and petting him, of course. I often gladly took the consequences to my love and affection for him.

Today while I was at work, my dad called me from the vet to tell me that he had to put my kitty down. The vet got on the phone and explained that he thought Frankie had a tumor somewhere, and that he suspected my cat's lungs were filled with liquid. He could barely breath, and my dad said that movement and even being touched and held were obviously painful for him.

Together, my dad and I cried as the vet prepared my cat, and then put him to rest.

I couldn't handle it. I was crying so hard. Sobbing. I loved my cat so much.

I knew I was drawing the attention of my coworkers, but I couldn't move. All I could do was cry and tell my dad to please have my kitty cremated and sent to me.

Frankie was always there for me. We went through a lot together. Whenever I needed a good cry, I would hold him in my lap and cry on his sweet, soft head while he gently purred and rubbed his lips along my jawline. There was nothing in this world as soothing to me as his purr. I told him all of the time that he was good for my heart, because as soon as I would touch him, no matter how stressed out I was, I could literally feel my blood pressure dropping and a sense of peace and calm come over me. It never ceased to amaze me how instantaneous my reaction to him was.

He was the sweetest, most loving cat. He loved to be pet and doted on. My brother and dad are going to miss him most because whenever they went out to the garage (which is where our cats live because my mother won't let animals in the house), Frankie would always run up and greet them. Even after I went away to college or moved away from home, I could always count on Frankie to come running when I opened the door and he heard my voice. He never failed. As soon as he heard my voice, he would come running, and start purring the second our eyes met.

The blessed kitty humored me too. I used to give him regular baths. While he didn't like them, he put up with them. Often times, I would bathe him, towel dry him, brush him out, and then curl up with him on my bed. He would always purr until he fell asleep.

One of my all-time favorite things was to cuddle with him and take naps with him. I used to hold him for hours on end. He was my kitty. My first very own kitty.

We spent many wonderful years together, and even though he was 14, it still doesn't make it easier to let him go. It breaks my heart that I wasn't with him physically petting him in his last moments alive. It hurts so much to think I will never see his yellow eyes again, feel his soft fur, or hear him purr for me. The next time I see him, he will be in a wooden box with his name on it, reduced to nothing but ashes.

I love you kitty. Thank you so much for being such a blessing in my life. I loved you so very much, and I am heartbroken to let you go. I will love you always.

Frankie 1996-2010

Grrr....

I wish this post was going to be really cool, but its not. In fact, if you're a fertile person seeing this post on my FB profile update, I think it is safe to say you can skip this one because it is probably full of terminology that you aren't familiar with. To the rest of my loyal readers, read on and give me your two cents.

So on CD 21, which was 5dpo, I had some very light spotting. Because of my past history and spotting so far ahead of when AF is due, my heart fell when I saw it. Early spotting was the whole reason we started seeing an RE 3 years ago. At the time I thought it was because I was miscarrying because it lasted for a week before AF showed, but it turned out it was because I had low progesterone and wasn't ovulating. So add that to the fact that I am not sure I got a positive OPK this month (if you want picture proof, see below and tell me what you think), and I'm not feeling so great about things, and not even just this month, but about my fertility in general.


I had been trying to not think about it because it is also entirely possible the spotting was brought about from my surgery incision still. I have had days since the surgery where I will randomly cramp and spot a little, so it isn't unheard of for me lately. Not only that, but it all stopped completely by the end of the day and then I didn't have anything the next day.

Today, however, was a different story. It was lighter than on CD 21, but it was still apparent today on CD23 (7dpo). And because it showed up again today, I am more convinced that it is most likely due to low progesterone.

The sucky thing is, I called my doctor's office on CD21 as soon as I saw the spotting to request a blood draw to test my progesterone levels. They hadn't called me back by 4:00, so I called my RE and left a message with them, asking them to please order one STAT for the next morning so I wouldn't have to go all weekend wondering about the results. Well the next morning my doctor's office called me back and told me to come in on CD21. I was disappointed when I told the nurse that was the day before. "Oh. Oh.... well let me talk to Dr. L and see if there is anything we can do. I'll call you back." I bet you don't have to be a psychic to guess what she said when she called me back. "It's too late now." Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Granted, when I have spotted in the past with low progesterone, it has been constant and pink and for a full week before AF is due. This time it is barely perceptible and it comes and goes. So I'm not 100% convinced it is a progesterone issue versus a cranky uterus.

I am going to have to go with its not a pregnancy simply based on the fact that I have no other symptoms. That and I just don't feel it, you know? I'm not getting that, "I could be pregnant" vibe. I'm getting more of an, "Okay, don't freak out. This doesn't mean we'll have to do treatments again" vibe, and the only reason I've got that is because I had a low progesterone spotting cycle the one before I got pregnant with my daughter.

Anyway, enough about me. What's going on with all my lovely blog friends? I'm off to find out.

Update: There was zero spotting again today on CD 24 (8dpo). I wonder if there is a pattern going on here, and I'll spot again tomorrow.

Have you ever just wanted to punch your uterus? I sure do right now.

Life Is Meant To Be Enjoyed

With fall finally arriving here in Texas, I have been even happier than normal. I love the fall, especially here because the summers are so brutally hot and relentless. They seem to last 7+ months out of the year. So when it cools off around here, you'd think it was my birthday every day.

As I drove into work this week, enjoying the reprieve from the summer heat, I began to think about how I really relish every day. Each day I am here is a gift. Each day comes with its own happy moments that are meant to be fully enjoyed. It is rare that I wish a day away, aside from wishing it is always 5:00 when I'm at work, but even then, I try to enjoy each moment. I don't like to wish my life away.

Sure I have days and weeks where I just can't muster up the strength to be happy because some days are just plain crap. But I always know that there will be some lesson to be had from them, and that at least tomorrow, I will be able to look back on them and be glad they are over. In other words, there is always good to come out of a bad day. It just might be the fact that the sun went down on it.

I wasn't always such a happy and optimistic person. In fact, I used to be the complete opposite. I used to be the girl who loved it when everyone knew I was mad or upset. Then somewhere along the way, I decided that attitude didn't suit me. I was tired of being a half empty girl and wanted to try living life on the other side of the glass. It didn't happen over night, and it wasn't a short road. At first it took a lot of conscious effort on my part. But now at the age of 31, I can look back on the past 8+ years of my life knowing that I lived each day to the fullest.

When I decided to be an optimistic girl, I also decided that I wanted to live my life without regrets. I didn't want to look back on my life anymore and wish that I had had a better attitude or outlook. I didn't want to look back and say that I wished I had done something different. I remember I started thinking that way when I was around 22 or 23.

Long before I started going through infertility, I decided it was important to learn from the bad things that happen in our lives. I even instituted that in my dating life. When relationships would fail, I would look back on all of the things that were good about it and what I learned from it. I was also the girl who tried to remain friends after a breakup by making the argument that we obviously liked each other enough to date, so why did that mean the connection couldn't remain friendly afterward? It was rare for me to end a relationship badly and to where it was awkward to see an ex afterward. At least for me. I can't speak for the guys.

Each day when I get up, I am grateful for another day. Another day with my husband, daughter, dogs, family, and friends. I am grateful for all of them. I cherish each second I spend with my husband and daughter in the morning. When I go to work, I am grateful that I have a job, that I work with such wonderful people, and that I do what I enjoy. I am excited to see my friends, and on my bad days, I know I at least have lunches with my best friends J and A to look forward to. Some days I think if that is all I have to look forward to, then I am a lucky gal because I have those relationships and the opportunity to be with my girls and enjoy them to the fullest.

Most of the time the only reason I wish it was 5:00 is because I just can't wait to go get my Baby Bean. She is the light of my life, and I love to hold her, be with her, see her smile, hear her giggle. I love to hear her talk. I love to watch her dance. I love to watch her suck her thumb while she holds on to her toys. I love everything about her.

When we get home, I can't wait for Hubs to get home so that we can all be together as a family until Baby Bean goes to bed, and then I love that it is mom and dad time. Nothing soothes my soul like snuggling into my husband's arms, smelling him, taking him in while we watch TV together. I could lay there forever. I love the relationship we have and how much we love each other.

Admittedly, there is more in each day that I could enjoy more or do more or be more. But I never beat myself up when I don't because I always give myself the grace to realize that I cannot do and be everything. I do the best I can, and that is all I can ask of myself.

A couple of years ago, the little brother of a friend of mine drowned. Like my friend, his brother had one of the most amazing outlooks on life. He was always positive and upbeat, no matter what happened. Life handed him some huge lemons, but he always made the best lemonade out of them and shared it with everyone. Before Craig passed, he kept a blog. There was one post that summed up his outlook on life, and it was so inspirational. I want to share with you one of my favorite things from that post.

"'Men are that they might have joy!' Life is good. Laughter heals. Life is funny. There are funny things that happen every day even in the worst of situations. Bad days make good stories. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. It's funny that laughter and tears come together so easily."

He was wise beyond his years, and I learned so much from him and his brother. They were part of my inspiration for becoming who I am today.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not simply gotten through. It is up to us to find the good things and make the most of the precious time we are given.