Riding the Hormonal Rollercoaster

The last few days have been interesting and eerily familiar as my body tries to violently reject the presence of synthetic hormones. Luckily I am blessed with a very understanding and loving husband who realizes the beast that emerges while my hormones are being tampered with is not me. My mood literally swings like a branch in the wind of a tumultuous storm. One second I am the perky, happy, positive me, the next I am a raging, hormonal wench ready to rip the heads off of unsuspecting passers-by, which inevitably leads to copious amounts of guilt as soon as the sweeter, gentler me returns. I wish I could count the number of times I have said, "I'm tired of feeling guilty!" over the last week.

As I said before, I am blessed with my wonderful husband who very sweetly pointed out to me a couple of days ago that I was not myself because of the patches. It hadn't really occurred to me that that was my problem until he said something. Of course, he pointed this out as I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work ripping him a new one with my eyes red and swollen from crying, a pile of tissues littering the floor on the passenger side of the car. "You don't respond well to having your hormones messed with. I knew this was coming the second you told me you had to wear the patches." Once he said that, it was like a light went on in my head. Duh! I AM acting like a crazy lunatic! And it ISN'T because I'm a crazy lunatic! Phew!

The beautiful thing about realizing I am not myself is I can make changes in my attitude to balance out the crazy that comes from "medical reproductive assistance." I don't know how I do it, but I make a subconscious effort to keep that hormonal monster under wraps. It's like night and day. I go from asking God "Why me?" to realizing this is just how it is. I go from being upset that I am having to go through this crap again to get another baby to accepting this is just what I have to do and being okay with it. It's really not that big of a deal. It's a speed bump, a minor inconvenience, but I can handle it. I really can. This is seriously small change compared to an IUI or even IVF. I'll take this over that any day of the week.

I can handle this, and I can do this. Compared to the size of my determination, this is an ear wig, waiting to be squashed under my shoe. I can still live my life perfectly fine and normal this way. Besides which, I have the most gorgeous little girl to help focus my attention away from all of this mess, and right now, she is doing a great job at it. I can say this, going through this again definitely brings me even closer to my daughter. Gobsmacking I know! Who would have thought it was possible to love that little girl anymore?! It just reminds me to appreciate the gift that she is and to cherish each and every moment I have with her before they pass and she grows up.

Infertility, I hate you, but I am grateful for the gifts you have given me.