Oh Yeah, I'm There

First of all, I have to ask all of you who have ever done cycles if you have ever been put on pr.ome.trium. I started it Friday night, and took the first dose just before bed. I've been on progesterone before, but not pr.ome.trium. I am supposed to take it twice a day, and the pharmacist warned me that she was also taking it and that it always made her really tired, but she only had to take it once a day, so she wished me good luck. Thanks.

Saturday morning I took my second dose with breakfast, then headed out to go grocery shopping with Baby Bean. First we went to Cost.co, which is probably 7 or so miles from our house. We got in and out, and then on the way to the next store, I started to feel funny. Just a little tired, nothing big, so we soldiered on. About 5 minutes later I really started to feel it. Within another 5 minutes, I knew I was in trouble and needed to get my child home and out of the car I was driving ASAP. By the time I got home, my speech was slurred and I felt like I was on really heavy narcot.ics. I could barely move. It took everything I had to tell my husband what was going on and then make it to my bed where I crashed for hours. When I finally came to, I told my husband there is absolutely, positively NO WAY I can do that during a work day. OUT.OF.THE.QUESTION!

So my question now is, if you have ever been on it, were you supposed to do it twice a day? And if you have ever been on it, did you have similar side effects? Cause holy crap that was bad!

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I want to share a quote with all of you from the Making Babies book I read last week because I know once you read it, you will all say, "Oh yeah, I'm (have been) there." A bit of a side note, this quote is specifically about the luteal phase of the cycle.

"This can be the most anxiety-provoking part of your cycle, waiting to see if your period will com. Once ovulation has passed, the optimistic feelings and excess energy of the follicular phase diminish, and women tend to become pensive and reflective."

Apparently there is a science behind all of our feelings throughout our cycles. You know how once AF comes you feel like you just got punched in the gut but then you get over it and then are excited to try again a few days later? Well, according to this book that is because once AF shows your estrogen starts to build, and estrogen apparently "tends to put you in a positive frame of mind and increase your feelings of well-being." Who knew? So the more it builds, the more positive you feel. Then when you ovulate and it decreases and progesterone takes over, you start to feel a little less hopeful. I found that very interesting.

(Full book review coming up, I swear!)

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In closing, I would like anyone reading this blog to know that there are so many reasons I blog. One of the main reasons is that I like to share the information I have gleaned about infertility through my own battles. My line of thinking is that if I want to know this information, someone else out there does as well, so I put it out there in hopes that it will help someone else on their journey.


This blog is about helping.

If you happen across my blog, please keep that in mind. Also know that any of the blogs listed in my Favorite Blogs side bar are women I consider friends. I read their blogs, and as is the case more often than not, I have had some kind of contact with these women besides just leaving comments to one another. Yes, we do communicate outside of blogland. Occasionally we meet up, or just talk on the phone. So if you should hop from my blog to any of theirs, please, please be nice to them. Realize that they are my friends, and I am fiercely loyal. Please always remember that they are struggling and the last thing they need is added negativity in their lives. By all means, visit them, but show them some love and respect because they deserve nothing less.

Thank you,

My New Perspective

I could never have imagined the outpouring of comments that would flood my inbox on my Finding Joy post. Honestly, I was afraid I was going to get some nasty grams, but to my surprise, I didn't get one. Instead, I gained a new perspective on a level of pain I have never experienced. I am most ashamed to say, one of the women who put things into perspective for me was my own sister.

I have never experienced a loss, and I know I am so lucky, but people close to me have.

During my time blogging, I have read so many blogs where my blog friends lost their babies. All of them were early on, and some of them were more tragic than others. One blog friend that I absolutely ached for was Al, from Mission:Motherhood. After a miscarriage she got pregnant again, only to have it end up being an ectopic she was forced to terminate. As if that wasn't hard enough, it took forever for everything to work its way out of her system. I cannot tell you how much my heart ached for her. I tried to put myself in her shoes and would ask myself how I would handle that situation. The truth was, I couldn't answer the question. I just couldn't make my brain go there. I couldn't envision myself going through something so completely difficult, which made me ache for her even more.

Al, along with my sister and a few other wonderful ladies have put the inability to look a pregnant belly after a loss into perspective for me. Again, I am ashamed to say I had never thought of it quite from their perspective. If you haven't experienced a loss, maybe this will help you too.

My sister said it was hard for her to watch other women around her who were just as far along in their pregnancies as she was continue to swell as their babies continued to grow inside of them, while hers had been removed at 24 weeks gestation and died a few days later. As her due date loomed nearer, her heart and her arms ached for the one thing she should have had, and didn't. It was so hard for her to be around the women who gave birth when she should have, to see their live, cooing, pink babies, knowing hers was underground and not in her arms.

I cannot fathom the pain.

Al has had to watch blog friends who got pregnant around the same time as her progress in their pregnancies, all the while knowing she should be right there with them, but isn't. Being reminded that she had to end her baby's life to save her own. My heart is so heavy knowing how difficult it must be for her.

Of course women who have experienced loss are happy for other pregnant women, but the reality is that their pain is too close to the surface, and seeing these women reminds them of what they should have and don't. "I should have been X weeks along right now." "My baby should have been X months old." The thought crushes me, and humbles me. It makes me ache in a way I never knew was possible.

My Finding Joy post was never meant as a scolding, "You should always be happy for other people," but rather, "try to find the joy wherever you can" type of post. It was meant more to remind all of us that we are fighting the same fight, and that if we don't stand together, we are alone, because most of the fertile world has no idea what we are fighting against, and some of them think we should just get the hint that maybe we aren't supposed to have children in the first place. It was more to say, don't hate the woman who is 20 weeks pregnant because in 4 weeks, her baby could be born early and die a few days later. Don't rob her of her joy at 20 weeks.

To all of you women who have experienced a loss, I understand why seeing a pregnant woman is so hard for you. I can also understand why it would be hard for you to continue following pregnancy blogs. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way if I were in your shoes. In fact, I most likely would. The pain is there and it is very real and raw. The fact that you can say, "I should have been as pregnant as her," or "My baby should have been as old as hers," is beyond words painful.

I watched my sister go through such a painful loss, and for a year afterward she was a shell of her former self. But after she took her time to grieve and sort through her feelings, she picked herself back up and took away the good from a difficult situation. I watched her rise like a phoenix from the ashes. You know what? She was my inspiration. Had she not handled her situation the way she did, I am sure my own battle with infertility would have been different. I watched her strength in overcoming, and when it came to be my turn to be tested, I was ready because I had one of the most wonderful examples to help guide me.

All of our journeys are painful, and we all deal with our battles in a different way. As I said before, we are all strong. One of the greatest gifts God gave us as humans is the ability to pick ourselves up after a fall and move forward. We never forget the experience, but it is what we take away from it that matters.

Finding Joy

I have been wanting and debating over writing this post for years now. The subject has been so much on my mind lately that I feel like I need to get it out. I mean, isn't that what blogs are for? Of course we all always want glowing comments from our loyal friends and readers, but every now and then a touchy subject is breached, and in those cases we risk offense at the cost of trying to share a little perspective. As most of you know, a lot of who I am centers around giving and receiving perspective. As I have said many times, nothing is black and white.

The purpose behind this post isn't to offend, but rather to help each of us find the joy in life, even if the joy centers around someone else. If I offend anyone, I apologize up front. Please know that is not my intent. Now let's dive into it, shall we?

Since I was diagnosed and labeled an infertile years ago, I was faced with the decision that all of us are: do we let infertility ruin our lives to the point that we become bitter, or do we take the lessons and the good from the experience? I chose the latter, and doing so meant that I revoked the right look at a pregnant woman and hate her or glare at her. Instead, I chose to look at pregnant women and smile while thinking of the blessing they had been given (this excludes women we all know shouldn't be able to reproduce).

One day I was walking my dog in the park back when I was doing cycles, and there was a pregnant woman with her child walking on the same path I was. I looked at her and thought to myself, "How can I hate her when I don't have any idea what she might have been through to get those kids. For all I know they are both IVF babies." I was taken aback by the thought, as I realized a friend of mine would have glared at the woman and hated her because she had what my friend wanted and couldn't have. How is that right?

There have been many times that I come across blogs where a fellow infertile has become pregnant, and they then post that they understand if some of their readership falls away because of their happy news. I am going to be honest and say that always makes me a little angry. I don't understand. Why when all of us are fighting the same fight can we not find the joy in our blog friend's success in getting out of the deep dark pit of despair? Look at it this way. If we were all taken captive and thrown in a pit, would we hate the person who got out simply because they got out and we didn't?

It seems to me that as infertiles we should be clinging to everything that is good and joyful in our lives, even if it happens to someone else. We shouldn't be hanging onto darkness and depression by our teeth and fingernails. "Men are that they might have joy." Sometimes finding our joy means being happy for others. I personally delight in the joy of others, even when I am in a dark place beacuse it reminds me that good things do happen and that someday soon, good things will happen to me again.

Life isn't about comparing ourselves to others. That is not where joy is found. Comparing our circumstances to others only brings sadness and anger. We have no idea what is going on in the other person's life. It isn't fair to judge without knowing what they have gone through. So you don't have everything you want in this life, and it seems like someone else does, but guess what? They have their own set of problems. They have their own life deficits. We simply cannot find joy hating others for having what we want and don't have.

Another thing that has been hard for me is to watch people compare their fight with those of others. "I cycled longer than she did, so my battle was harder. She has no room to complain." That's not true. If you are an infertile, your battle is hard from the get-go. Yes, the further you get into treatments the harder you become, but can you honestly tell me the first cycle you did that failed felt any better than the last one? Each cycle is hard, and it is hard for a different reason. Who cares if Betty only went through three cycles before success and I went through 12? Betty is an infertile. She deserves my love and support as well as my congratulatory feelings. I have no right to minimize her feelings or her fight. (I am not talking about women who label themselves as infertile because they tried for 3 months on their own, or the women who do one round of chlomid and get knocked up. I'm talking about us playing in the big leagues.)

I have had two sugeries now, and I did 12 months of medicated cycles, but to me my battle is not any harder than any of yours. It really isn't. I know that some of you think I am strong, but the fact of the matter is, all of you are too. The fact that you are pursuing treatment at all makes you every bit as strong as me, and you know that if you were in my shoes you would have done all the same things I did, and vice versa. Some of us have surgery, some of us do IVF, and some of us travel half way across the world for egg and embryo donations. We do what we have to do to achieve the desired result. We are all strong.

We are the 1 in 7, and as infertiles we should stick together and share in each other's success, not hate each other when one of us gets out of the pit. When the joy to be found in your life is rare, find joy in celebrating the joy of others.

Where the Adventure Began

When Hubs and I began undergoing infertility treatments, I went through pretty much all of it on my own. I had no one to talk to who really understood what I was going through, and no outlet for my feelings and emotions. In May 2007, I started to blog. At first I did it as a joke, but then I realized how therapeutic it was. I started to blog every now and then about our struggles, and then by October of that year, it was the reason behind it all. I "met" so many fantastic women who were in my shoes or had been there, and all of a sudden, I wasn't alone anymore. I had a support system to go along with my writing therapy.

My blog started out on my MySpace page, but then moved over here to make it more accessible to family and friends. Below is my first ever post from my first blog about our infertility history.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Infertility
Current mood: sad

As many of you know, my husband and I are undergoing infertility treatments and have been for over half a year now. A lot of times when you tell people you are dealing with infertility, they give you canned responses, not understanding that sometimes those responses are hurtful. A friend of mine who is undergoing her own battle with infertility sent me the article below. Please know that I do appreciate the love and support of our family and friends, but also please be aware that words you say for encouragement, can instead be very hurtful. I try not to be sensitive, but its hard. I thought I was a tough cookie, and would never have an issue with infertility. But after months of treatments and months of setbacks, it has become a very sore spot indeed.

Please take a minute to look at this article, and keep it in mind when talking to anyone who is having a hard time conceiving.

Being Sensitive to Couples without Children
By Ana Nelson Shaw

• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes.
• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don't have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities.
• Try not to second-guess a couple's medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord.
• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard ... when one cannot become a parent.Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying "You'll get pregnant if you just relax" implies that you think infertility is the couple's own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. "You'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt" implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as "It will happen in the Lord's time" can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime.
• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as "I love you" or "I have been praying for you." Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.

What I Wish I Had Known

Yesterday a good friend of mine who is about to emark on the infertility journey related some recent heartbreaking experiences with me. Knowing exactly what she had gone through, my eyes began to well up as she recounted the events to me. So last night, I sat down and wrote her a letter. In it I wrote down the things I wish people had told me when we embarked on the infertility treatment road over two years ago, and I would like to share a bit of that now for anyone else who is about to share the same journey.

The infertility road is hard and long, and it will absolutely test you, your spouse, and your marriage. You will find out what you are made of, but if you can survive this, you can survive anything.

Know that each month will be an experiment. Since no two people are alike, it is hard to say what will work for you without trying everything. Also know that there are many options available. If one treatment doesn't work, be open to the possibility that something else might. You won't know unless you try.

Educate yourself. Don't always blindly accept what your doctor says or suggests. Research everything they tell you to ensure what they suggest is an option you are willing to explore. Know the potential side-effects and determine if it is something you are willing to tolerate. Know what other options may be available to you, and know what other potential problems could be causing you to require treatment, such as endometriosis or PCOS. Know what treatment options are available if you have either of those problems.

Have a plan. One thing that helped me keep going failed cycle after failed cycle was that we had a plan set in place from the beginning. We discussed all of our options up front, and determined, for example, that we would try chlomid alone for 3 months. If that didn't work, we would try injectable hormones and timed intercourse for 3 months. If that didn't work, we would try 3 months of IUIs. We never made it through any 3-month stretch because there were always complications after about the second month on each option, but that was okay, we just moved onto the next option and ended with surgery. Having a plan made it easier for me to keep moving forward.

Its okay to stop, and sometimes it is better to stop. If it ever gets to be too much, it is okay to take a break. The best couple months during my treatments were the ones I was forced to take off because I didn't have to think about it. I was able to have a full cycle care and worry free because one month had not gone well (I got a cyst from treatments, or I had too many follicles). Then there was a month in there that two month's worth of shots made me such a horrible person that hubs and I decided to take some time off to let my body take a break. A month or two of not trying will not make that much of a difference in the end, and sometimes it is what you need. You need to rediscover yourself and take time for yourself when it gets to be too much.

Take time to pamper yourself. Infertility is hard on your mind and your body. Remember to take time out to take care of you. Go get a massage, a facial, a manicure, whatever you need to relax and rejuvenate yourself. One year alone of treatments aged my face about 5 years, so after my surgery, I went and got microderm. I earned it, and it took the 5 years right back off and then some.

Always have hope. I know it is hard to hold out hope failed cycle after failed cycle, but sometimes that is all you will have to keep you going. It is a dark world when all hope is gone. Even a glimmer is better than none. You need that glimmer to keep you going, and I'm not talking about to the next cycle.

Know that life will go on and have a backup plan if things don't work out. I always used to ask my sweetie, tears streaming down my face, what we would do if we couldn't have kids. He always replied with a smile, "We will travel the world with all the money we save and live happily." I always knew he meant it, and it took the sting out of the fact that I might not be able to bear him children. I was able to envision our lives 2o years down the road on a sail boat in Italy, and it helped me feel okay about things.

These were all things I learned during our journey. I wish that I had had an IF-pro around to take me under her wing and help me through each difficult cycle. I wish that I had had someone who knew what I was going through to help be my rock. I hope that I can now be that person for her.