My New Perspective

I could never have imagined the outpouring of comments that would flood my inbox on my Finding Joy post. Honestly, I was afraid I was going to get some nasty grams, but to my surprise, I didn't get one. Instead, I gained a new perspective on a level of pain I have never experienced. I am most ashamed to say, one of the women who put things into perspective for me was my own sister.

I have never experienced a loss, and I know I am so lucky, but people close to me have.

During my time blogging, I have read so many blogs where my blog friends lost their babies. All of them were early on, and some of them were more tragic than others. One blog friend that I absolutely ached for was Al, from Mission:Motherhood. After a miscarriage she got pregnant again, only to have it end up being an ectopic she was forced to terminate. As if that wasn't hard enough, it took forever for everything to work its way out of her system. I cannot tell you how much my heart ached for her. I tried to put myself in her shoes and would ask myself how I would handle that situation. The truth was, I couldn't answer the question. I just couldn't make my brain go there. I couldn't envision myself going through something so completely difficult, which made me ache for her even more.

Al, along with my sister and a few other wonderful ladies have put the inability to look a pregnant belly after a loss into perspective for me. Again, I am ashamed to say I had never thought of it quite from their perspective. If you haven't experienced a loss, maybe this will help you too.

My sister said it was hard for her to watch other women around her who were just as far along in their pregnancies as she was continue to swell as their babies continued to grow inside of them, while hers had been removed at 24 weeks gestation and died a few days later. As her due date loomed nearer, her heart and her arms ached for the one thing she should have had, and didn't. It was so hard for her to be around the women who gave birth when she should have, to see their live, cooing, pink babies, knowing hers was underground and not in her arms.

I cannot fathom the pain.

Al has had to watch blog friends who got pregnant around the same time as her progress in their pregnancies, all the while knowing she should be right there with them, but isn't. Being reminded that she had to end her baby's life to save her own. My heart is so heavy knowing how difficult it must be for her.

Of course women who have experienced loss are happy for other pregnant women, but the reality is that their pain is too close to the surface, and seeing these women reminds them of what they should have and don't. "I should have been X weeks along right now." "My baby should have been X months old." The thought crushes me, and humbles me. It makes me ache in a way I never knew was possible.

My Finding Joy post was never meant as a scolding, "You should always be happy for other people," but rather, "try to find the joy wherever you can" type of post. It was meant more to remind all of us that we are fighting the same fight, and that if we don't stand together, we are alone, because most of the fertile world has no idea what we are fighting against, and some of them think we should just get the hint that maybe we aren't supposed to have children in the first place. It was more to say, don't hate the woman who is 20 weeks pregnant because in 4 weeks, her baby could be born early and die a few days later. Don't rob her of her joy at 20 weeks.

To all of you women who have experienced a loss, I understand why seeing a pregnant woman is so hard for you. I can also understand why it would be hard for you to continue following pregnancy blogs. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way if I were in your shoes. In fact, I most likely would. The pain is there and it is very real and raw. The fact that you can say, "I should have been as pregnant as her," or "My baby should have been as old as hers," is beyond words painful.

I watched my sister go through such a painful loss, and for a year afterward she was a shell of her former self. But after she took her time to grieve and sort through her feelings, she picked herself back up and took away the good from a difficult situation. I watched her rise like a phoenix from the ashes. You know what? She was my inspiration. Had she not handled her situation the way she did, I am sure my own battle with infertility would have been different. I watched her strength in overcoming, and when it came to be my turn to be tested, I was ready because I had one of the most wonderful examples to help guide me.

All of our journeys are painful, and we all deal with our battles in a different way. As I said before, we are all strong. One of the greatest gifts God gave us as humans is the ability to pick ourselves up after a fall and move forward. We never forget the experience, but it is what we take away from it that matters.