Finding Joy

I have been wanting and debating over writing this post for years now. The subject has been so much on my mind lately that I feel like I need to get it out. I mean, isn't that what blogs are for? Of course we all always want glowing comments from our loyal friends and readers, but every now and then a touchy subject is breached, and in those cases we risk offense at the cost of trying to share a little perspective. As most of you know, a lot of who I am centers around giving and receiving perspective. As I have said many times, nothing is black and white.

The purpose behind this post isn't to offend, but rather to help each of us find the joy in life, even if the joy centers around someone else. If I offend anyone, I apologize up front. Please know that is not my intent. Now let's dive into it, shall we?

Since I was diagnosed and labeled an infertile years ago, I was faced with the decision that all of us are: do we let infertility ruin our lives to the point that we become bitter, or do we take the lessons and the good from the experience? I chose the latter, and doing so meant that I revoked the right look at a pregnant woman and hate her or glare at her. Instead, I chose to look at pregnant women and smile while thinking of the blessing they had been given (this excludes women we all know shouldn't be able to reproduce).

One day I was walking my dog in the park back when I was doing cycles, and there was a pregnant woman with her child walking on the same path I was. I looked at her and thought to myself, "How can I hate her when I don't have any idea what she might have been through to get those kids. For all I know they are both IVF babies." I was taken aback by the thought, as I realized a friend of mine would have glared at the woman and hated her because she had what my friend wanted and couldn't have. How is that right?

There have been many times that I come across blogs where a fellow infertile has become pregnant, and they then post that they understand if some of their readership falls away because of their happy news. I am going to be honest and say that always makes me a little angry. I don't understand. Why when all of us are fighting the same fight can we not find the joy in our blog friend's success in getting out of the deep dark pit of despair? Look at it this way. If we were all taken captive and thrown in a pit, would we hate the person who got out simply because they got out and we didn't?

It seems to me that as infertiles we should be clinging to everything that is good and joyful in our lives, even if it happens to someone else. We shouldn't be hanging onto darkness and depression by our teeth and fingernails. "Men are that they might have joy." Sometimes finding our joy means being happy for others. I personally delight in the joy of others, even when I am in a dark place beacuse it reminds me that good things do happen and that someday soon, good things will happen to me again.

Life isn't about comparing ourselves to others. That is not where joy is found. Comparing our circumstances to others only brings sadness and anger. We have no idea what is going on in the other person's life. It isn't fair to judge without knowing what they have gone through. So you don't have everything you want in this life, and it seems like someone else does, but guess what? They have their own set of problems. They have their own life deficits. We simply cannot find joy hating others for having what we want and don't have.

Another thing that has been hard for me is to watch people compare their fight with those of others. "I cycled longer than she did, so my battle was harder. She has no room to complain." That's not true. If you are an infertile, your battle is hard from the get-go. Yes, the further you get into treatments the harder you become, but can you honestly tell me the first cycle you did that failed felt any better than the last one? Each cycle is hard, and it is hard for a different reason. Who cares if Betty only went through three cycles before success and I went through 12? Betty is an infertile. She deserves my love and support as well as my congratulatory feelings. I have no right to minimize her feelings or her fight. (I am not talking about women who label themselves as infertile because they tried for 3 months on their own, or the women who do one round of chlomid and get knocked up. I'm talking about us playing in the big leagues.)

I have had two sugeries now, and I did 12 months of medicated cycles, but to me my battle is not any harder than any of yours. It really isn't. I know that some of you think I am strong, but the fact of the matter is, all of you are too. The fact that you are pursuing treatment at all makes you every bit as strong as me, and you know that if you were in my shoes you would have done all the same things I did, and vice versa. Some of us have surgery, some of us do IVF, and some of us travel half way across the world for egg and embryo donations. We do what we have to do to achieve the desired result. We are all strong.

We are the 1 in 7, and as infertiles we should stick together and share in each other's success, not hate each other when one of us gets out of the pit. When the joy to be found in your life is rare, find joy in celebrating the joy of others.