It's Okay, and So Am I

If there is one thing I love about myself, it is that I am a fighter. I don't let anything get me down for long. I take my time to work through the feelings with an eye toward getting back on my feet as soon as possible. This last disappointment was no exception.

Tuesday through Thursday were just a total beat down. I dragged @$ everywhere I went because I was constantly waiting for the one thing I feared: AF. I didn't dare get my hopes up, yet I dared to hope a little. I hadn't mapped out how I would feel if this cycle didn't work because I didn't want to face the possibility that it might not, and that was my first mistake. I knew that going in though, but I thought if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen. Stupid, naive me.

For the past 7 months, I have built up this excitement and promised myself it would work the first time right out of the gate, and I didn't have a caveat for what if it didn't. So when it didn't work out, all I had left was some major heartache and a HUGE letdown. So when AF finally reared on Thursday (which means I know exactly what day ovulation occurred after my positive OPK), I stayed strong for as long as I could, and as soon as I was alone, I let it all out. I had a good cry, and I said my piece to my husband and the universe. I ended up going home from work early because I needed to sort through things and get myself back on track.

Sadly, I found out AF was here just before taking my brother (who is here for a week) to lunch, so I was a major downer. As I tried not to cry while I ate my chips and salsa, I used him as a therapist. "It's not so bad. There are way worse things in the world. This isn't a big deal, so why am I so upset? It will be fine. It just wasn't our time, and that's okay."

On my drive home from work I thought about the fact that my body really isn't ready for a pregnancy yet anyway. I haven't told anyone this yet, not even my husband, but I still hurt from my surgery. I can still feel where the repair is because it's tender to the touch. That tells me it is a good thing this cycle didn't work. I think my body knew that too. But really, God knew it better than me.

Some time around 9:00 that night, the fog lifted, and I snapped out of my pity party. It was literally like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden I was not only fine, I was great! I was ready to get back in the game and try, try again. I got excited as I told myself I was going to shell out for a box of 20 OPKs this time around. I mapped out our next battle plan, which this time only includes OPKs and lube. No evening primrose oil, no cough syrup, no pineapple. Just my body doing it's thing to tell me IT'S ready to make a baby.

If it doesn't work out this next cycle, we'll try again, and we'll keep on trying until we have success. I no longer have a plan because as we all know, it isn't in our time, it's in God's time, and He knows when the right egg will be ready, and it will happen exactly when it is supposed to. The only thing I will do differently in the coming months is to not tie my hopes to an unreachable star. I'm not going to torture myself during the TWW. Either I'm pregnant, or I'm not. There is nothing I can do about it. It's all in God's hands.

I learned from this last cycle that I really, really stink at math. Apparently I had the date of my LMP during my pregnancy with my daughter wrong. I was 3 days off. I didn't figure that out until a couple of days ago when the number of days from a positive OPK to a positive pregnancy test weren't adding up. I discovered it took TEN days for me to experience pregnancy symptoms with her, not seven. Let us not forget my mix-up from this cycle. And I also didn't take into consideration that I could have ovulated two days (36 hours) after my positive OPK (which I did), which put AF's visit out yet another day.

The important thing is that I have my naive ignorance behind me, and I am ready to take on the baby making world once again. I am armed and ready for battle!

I Need to Heal

I have been composing this post in my head for the last 45 minutes or so. Debating over whether or not I wanted to write it out. I have decided I do, simply because I need to heal. This old wound that seems at times to have healed and scarred over keeps reopening and sometimes downright bleeding all over again. This is going to be the longest post of my blogging career, and I am sure it will only be one in a series, as I use my blog as therapy to get my feelings and emotions out to where you can find them, should you so choose. I am sure I will reread and rewrite this post more than a dozen times over the next few months and maybe even years. But it is my therapy.

A few days ago I came to the realization that now that I have a baby I am that person. The person to people who aren't in my shoes and want to be have a hard time being around or talking to. Not because I am a bad or mean person, but because I have the unattainable. I am very happily married and have an incredibly beautiful child. Living the American Dream, as it were. I know how blessed I am. I have walked a long, hard road to get here. Sometimes it was easy, other times it was downright unbearable. Nonetheless, it is painful for some of my dearest friends to associate with me on the days that they feel their wants acutely. It hurts me, but I can understand where they are coming from. I want to be there for them, but I can't.

Two years ago this August, this road cost me something very dear, but it was a price I had to be willing to pay. I lost a friendship. A friendship that had lasted 21 years. In retrospect, it was a very one-sided friendship, and I can't even tell you how much it hurt to not only end it, but to realize I how much I gave and that what was given in return was not what I deserved. So now I turn this post to you.

Please don't take this as more than what it is, a formal apology. I am not attempting to rekindle a friendship. If not for myself, then out of respect for my family, I can't do that. I have a daughter now, and you have a tendency to bring out a side of me that I don't like. A side of me that no one else but you has the ability to bring out. This isn't a snotty or mean post. It is me asking what went wrong. My intonation is that of someone who has been wounded and doesn't understand why.

It has been almost 2 years since I had any contact with you. There isn't often a day that goes by that I don't think about you. That I wish and hope that your life is going well. That you are realizing your dreams. I admit, there are also days that go by where I want to flaunt my life in your face, but it is only because my dreams coming true is what caused you to cause me such pain in the first place.

All I ever wanted was to be there for you. To be the friend you needed. I never wanted to hurt you or be mean, and the only times I intentionally did so, it was in retaliation to your hurting me. Like trying to help the wounded dog who rewards your kindness by biting you to the core of your very sole. I never did understand why you treated me the way you did, and I still don't to this day.

I wanted you to be a part of every special moment in my life because you were my best friend, and I loved you like my own sister. But I feel that my love was met with spite and sometimes downright hatred.

Why can you be happy or be friends with everyone else in your life but me? Why was it that when I got asked out on dates you were the only person who didn't want the juicy details the next morning? You of all people should have wanted them. You were my best friend.

Why did you tell me that if I ever got pregnant, we wouldn't be friends anymore, but you could still be friends with everyone else in your life who got pregnant before you? I wasn't trying to start a family to hurt or be malicious to you. It wasn't a game or a race to me. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. It had nothing to do with you. It was painful. I needed you to be there for me. You were the only person on the face of this planet who I knew was going through the same thing. Only I was much worse off because I actually sought treatments and spent thousands of dollars trying to be a mother. My monthly disappointments seem to me to be far worse. I was throwing everything I had into achieving my dream. It left me broken. And then I lost you.

I felt like I needed to be there for you because you pushed literally everyone else in your life away. I know you better than you think, and I know you didn't have any other true friends. You didn't have anyone else besides your husband and family who cared about you the way I did. When people tried to care about you, you viewed it as their trying to be nosey only to gossip about you, but in reality, they just wanted to be your friend. Why did you bite them?

Why did you call me when you needed someone, and then not return the favor? When I needed you, you turned your back and left me to bleed. I was the one who was there for you and held you while you cried when things that seemed so unfair happened to you. I didn't judge you. I ached for you. I cried with you. I loved you.

You seemed so much to dislike me and to do your best to push me away, but I wouldn't have it. I wouldn't give up. You needed someone in your life who really, honest to God cared about you besides your family. I was there the first time your husband went out of town and you were afraid of being home alone. I slept on your cruddy couch only so you would have the comfort of knowing I was there and you weren't alone. But you abandoned me when I needed you most. You not only abandoned me, you made my journey harder and more painful, and I don't know why.

You couldn't even loan me .26 cents the day we went to Sub.way as you shook your wallet full of change, looked me straight in the eye, and told me you didn't have it. I didn't know what to think in that moment. I knew you had more than .26 cents in your wallet. I saw it with my own eyes when you paid for your meal. I chose to repress the shock that was welling up inside. I would not have hesitated to loan you $100, let alone .26 cents. That action alone spoke multitudes to me about how you viewed our friendship. It really hurt.

I also want to know why when we were in high school and someone we didn't even like told you that I said you were a brat, you believed her and quit talking to me. You didn't ask me if it was true, forget the fact it was a ridiculously silly thing to quit talking to me over. You didn't even for one split second think that that person could be lying to you because we didn't like her and she didn't like us. You just quit talking to me and refused to tell me why. I had no clue what was going on. She won. Part of me wishes I had let the friendship go there, but I was stubborn. We had come too far to just give up a friendship over something so stupid.

You finally pushed me to the point where I had to give up. I am sorry. I couldn't carry you anymore. I couldn't handle the intentional hurt one more day. I'm not only sorry for giving up, but for doing it the way I did it. It was cowardly. But I was so hurt. I was in shock. I could not believe that someone I cared about so much was so cruel and heartless in my hour of need. I was already down. I was as low as low could get, and you kicked me as hard as you could. I couldn't bear to talk to you. I couldn't bear to see you or hear your voice again. I still don't understand your cruelty that day. Why did I deserve that? What part of my false pregnancy test offended you so much that you would gloat at my pain? Remembering it still hurts. It still makes me ask why.

I thought I had a best friend for 21 years, but you were really my worst enemy. You smiled to my face while you held the knife in my back. I tried to share everything happy with you. I wanted to be there for everything happy for you. When you got married, I wanted to go dress shopping with you, help you with your hair, be there with you before you walked to the altar on your wedding day. Why? Because I loved you like a sister. I was so proud of you and so happy for you. I wasn't jealous or envious. I knew my wedding day would come when the time was right. Just like I wouldn't have been jealous or envious if you had gotten pregnant before me. I would have been there for you every step of the way. Sharing in your every symptom, rejoicing in every fetal movement, thanking God when the baby was born for such a beautiful blessing in your life.

I am sorry for you. You carry so much hatred and so much pain. You carry baggage that isn't real. You block out everyone who would try to help you carry the load. You think that their intentions are underhanded and have a selfish purpose in mind. People want to care about you because you are worth caring about. You need to let them in. You need to find in a new friend what you lost in me. Someone who honestly cares about you more than you will ever know or see.

You are a wonderful person. You really are. I don't know what damage was done to you to cause you to treat me the way you did. If it was my fault, if I did something at some point to cause you to be so mean and hurtful, I apologize until the end of time. I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you needed. I hope that you can find someone who is.

I hope and pray that one day you have the blessing and pure joy of having a child to call your own in your home. And I hope that child teaches you how to truly love something more than life itself or the air that you breathe. I hope that you love it so much it hurts. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and to have that joy in your life. I hope that the past couple years have been kind to you and that the rest of your life is kind to you. I wish you all the best, and I mean that.

I am sure this wound of mine has yet to heal, but at least I am facing it now. I don't know if you will ever read this, but the thought that you might helps me move on. It helps me close a chapter that ended poorly.

I wish you all the best.

Unclosed/Unresolved Chapters Part 1

I'm sure that everyone has that chapter in their lives that for whatever reason went unresolved, or worse, unclosed. I have two such chapters in my life that come back to haunt me in my thoughts and the occasional dream from time to time. I am about to share one of the two events. I don't talk about either of them often, but perhaps if I write about them it will help me gain some closure.

When I was in high school I had a very fickle attention span when it came to boys. The best part of boys was the thrill of the chase: finding "the latest crush", getting said crush to notice me, playing the flirting games, and eventually triumphing in making him my boyfriend... for all of two weeks, which was the average for me, before getting bored, dumping him, and moving onto the next crush. Funny enough, I was actually a total prude back then. I just liked the way pursuing and being pursued made me feel. I wasn't in it for "the action." By the last half of my senior year my longest relationship ever was 4 months, and that only happened twice.

In January of my senior year, I attended an honor band festival at a state college. I had gone the year before and started crushing on a boy I met there who was from another state, but was a student at said college the following year. I went to the festival in hopes of hooking it up with the oh so hot, Selwyn. Little did I know the fates had other plans for me. While I was off trying to catch my fella's eye once again, my good friend was off hooking two other hotties for us to NCMO (non-committal make out) with for the weekend. The guy who chose me as his make out buddy, we'll call him Sam, was very persistent and wouldn't have my flirting with or chasing Selwyn for the world. He just knew he wanted to be more to me than a weekend make out fling. He had determined upon first sight that he was head over heels for me. By the end of the weekend, the feeling was mutual, and Selwyn was left shaking his head in the dust wondering what had happened and how I had run off so quickly with someone else.

Sunday morning as Sam and I prepared to head to our homes, three hours apart, he gave me his class ring with the promise that he would come get it in the coming weeks just so we could be together again. Yes, I was a very giddy girl. For some reason this guy had done what no other guy before him was able to do and wrapped me around his little finger. By the time I got home that night, Sam had called twice. We ended up talking to each other over the phone every night from that point on.

I can't remember how long it took before Sam drove 3 hours one way to come see me, but it wasn't long. Sam's parents for whatever reason, fully encouraged our relationship and willingly gave him the family car to drive out to see me every single weekend. If he didn't come out to see me, he came out to pick me up and take me back to his house for the weekend.

For the first time in my life, I fell in love. Real, true, honest-to-God love. We felt like Romeo and Juliet, and in a way were every bit as doomed. Over the next 6 months our relationship was absolute heaven. We would often plan to run away to Reno to get married and even bought wedding bands for each other in anticipation of actually biting the bullet and running off. Thank God we never made it to Reno!

Then one day, something in Sam changed. He became distanced and depressed. I kept asking him what he wanted or needed from me, and he kept telling me to hold on, not to go away, that he was sorting through his life. While he went on in his funk, I became depressed, wondering what was going on. Then one day it became apparent to me that I had lost him. The last time I was ever supposed to see him, he didn't show up, but sent his parents in his place to ask for his class ring back. He hid like cowardly child to prevent himself from having to see my face with its tell-tale signs of a broken heart. A few days later he called me, apologizing for being so cowardly, and asked me to please hold on, to not leave him. I told him he had two weeks to figure things out and then I would go on with my life, that I couldn't continue holding out for him. I had just graduated from high school and was weeks away from moving away to college in another state.

A few days before I moved away to college, I still had not heard from him. Sobbing, heart breaking, I wrote him a letter telling him that I was done waiting, and that I didn't appreciate the way he had treated me in the end. I didn't deserve it. I had never treated him so poorly and couldn't understand why he had been so cowardly. I informed him that he was not a man. I ended my letter the way I always do when I know I will never see someone again, I wished him all the best in his life. Then I moved away to college and never heard from him again.

I have no true closure on this relationship. Yes, I knew it was over, and yes, I have absolutely moved on with my life and did so a year after we "broke up". But every now and then Sam creeps into my dreams, as he did earlier this week, and as he did in the days before my wedding. My subconscious is always trying to gain what my conscious self never had - closure. A few days before my wedding, I had a dream that I went to see him to tell him that I was getting married. In the dream he was convinced I was coming back to him until I told him, "I am only here to tell you that I'm getting married. To tell you goodbye to your face, and to gain the closure you denied me years ago. I wish you all the best in your life." I had hoped that this would be the last time he would appear in my dreams, and that my words to him would be good enough for my subconscious to finally let him go forever.

I wish so much that I had closure with him. I wish so much that he would quit cropping up in my dreams during my major life events: marriage and pregnancy. However, I know that I will never get either of those things. I know that he will crop up in my dreams until the end of time. If I could go back and change only one thing about that relationship, it would be that instead of giving him two weeks, I had told him goodbye. I don't regret the relationship for a second, but I do regret that I allowed him to treat me so poorly and to run away like coward.

I just wish that there was some way I could keep him from appearing in my dreams. That I could gain real, true closure, but I know that isn't possible. All I can do is continue to wish him the best in his life and continue to live and love my own with the occasional haunt from my past.