The Possible White Flag

Mom, you might want to skip this post. Fair warning.

Last Friday I went into my doctor's office on CD21 for a blood draw to test my progesterone levels. At the time I thought about asking if the levels would be high enough to accurately predict ovulation, as it had only occurred three days previous. But I didn't. Mostly because my doctor was hard-nosed last month and would not do a blood draw when I called on CD21 to request one and didn't get a call back until the next day, which was then CD22. They told me it was too late, and I would have to wait until next month. I actually talked about that in this post.

So this month, I showed up to her office on CD 21 for my blood draw, per her instructions last month. I got the results back today. 7.5. At first I tried to choke back the tears as the nurse told me they wanted me to come in for more blood work to test my thyroid and prolactin levels. When I googled the last one at work, it said it is a hormone that is released by stress and can cause infertility.

IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME TO RELAX I AM GOING TO SHOVE A COW UP THEIR YOU KNOW WHAT AND TELL THEM TO RELAX TO GET IT OUT!!!

If I had a dime for every time I have been told to relax, I could afford a round of IVF for all of us.

In other words, I was pissed.

So I went in to get my blood drawn, and I asked the tech if she would please test my progesterone levels even though the nurse on the phone had put me on hold when I told her the last test was only 3dpo, asked if that was why it could be low, and if we could test it again. When she came back, she told me my doctor said no. WTF?!?!?! Aren't I the one who is paying for these tests?! It's not like I'm asking for medication. I am asking you to take my blood, send it to a lab, and have it analyzed for my peace of mind. IS THAT REALLY ASKING TOO MUCH?!

The tech said she would run the test anyway and then ask my doctor if it was okay. She then took extra blood for the progesterone test. My doctor's assistant walked by just then and asked how I was doing. I bawled like a baby, and just like I bawled on my way out of work and to the doctor's office. I ended up sitting there talking with my doctor's nursing staff for about 10 minutes, crying and saying that I didn't want to go through this again. Of course they all told me to relax and that it would happen. Ummm... I'm keeping my keys from typing lots of bad words because my mom reads this blog, but know that I am really thinking them.

So on my way out, the tech who took my blood catches up to me and tells me my doctor won't sign off on the progesterone test. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?! Does she realize that her lack of interest in helping me determine if I ovulated is raising my prolactin levels WAAAY more than anything else? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT?! So I asked the tech again about the possibility that last time was too early, and why they can't just run the test again today. She said she would talk to my doctor and call me back.

Now here's where it gets even better, if you can believe that.

So I am currently 6dpo. The nurse calls and says my doctor won't do another progesterone test until I am 7dpo NEXT MONTH! I told her I would be 7dpo tomorrow. Why can't I come back in and do the test then? My doctor won't do it.

WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP?!?! ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?!

Can someone please, for the love of everything holy, explain this to me?

My insurance will cover the cost of the test and it will give this infertile who is suffering some SERIOUS post-traumatic stress disorder some stress relief. Why the hell can't it be done?

I was so freaking angry and defeated. I gave away all of my pregnancy tests and OPKs, I gave away ALL of my baby gear to my sister, and I tossed my prenatals. If the one person in this world who is supposed to help me get pregnant besides my husband won't, then why bother? If she thinks I'm coming to her next month for a progesterone check, she's fooling herself. I'm PISSED.

It was amazing how much I calmed down when I picked up my daughter from daycare. She was so happy, and I was so happy to be around her after the ordeal today. I just let all of it go and focused 100% on her and how happy I am that she is here. When my husband got home (after numerous emails about the testing BS), he was quite surprised to find Baby Bean and I playing on the bed, giggling. I did nothing tonight but played with her. Nothing else mattered.

So here is my new plan: I am going to call my RE tomorrow morning and beg them to order a progesterone test for me. If my dammed OB won't do it, I'll go over her head and cut her out of my TTC picture. There is ZERO excuse for her to not help me out. I will then ask him to take over my cycles from now on and do all future progesterone tests with him. I know for a fact he won't put me through what my OB did today. I am still gobsmacked that she did. It costs more to see him, but who gives a flying rat's @$$? I NEED results and NOW. I need someone who understands the mind of an infertile and what it takes to truly address and assuage their fears.

I can tell you right now though, that if I didn't ovulate this month, my white flag will be at half mast. I will give it one more month, and if I don't ovulate next month, I am pulling out of TTC. I REFUSE to do treatments again. I just can't do that to myself, my husband, or my baby. Especially my baby. Those hormones make me all kinds of crazy, and I have zero desire to re-introduce them.

I did schedule an appointment with my OB for this Friday just so that I can ask her why the hell she wouldn't do a progesterone test. She can escape me if she is with other patients, but she can't escape me if I am the patient. I want answers!

I have asked myself multiple times tonight if I am acting a little bit crazy. Perhaps I am, just a tad. But what it all comes down to is that my doctor is being completely stupid. There is no reason she couldn't order the test to placate me.

Seriously though, I am NOT pulling my prenatals out of the garbage. I am still way too livid for that. I am still giving away all of my testing supplies too. I just can't stand being this person, and the only way to avoid it is to pull myself out of the game. Watch for that white flag.

Unbelievably Angry

Last week when I took Baby Bean back to daycare after our two week vacation, she was in perfect health (finally). Upon entering the infant room, I was greeted by a very snot covered nosed boy. I looked at him, smiled, and thought to myself, "I bet you $50 Baby Bean has his cold by Wednesday." Sure enough, Wednesday evening my daughter's nose began to run. As the days went on, she developed a cough to go with it. Nothing abnormal. I tried to nip it all in the bud by giving her some prescription decongestants she received last time she was sick. I also didn't want her ear infections coming back. By Sunday night, she was not only coughing a lot, she was wheezing when she breathed. I told Hubs I had to take her to the doctor first thing in the morning.

This morning I got to work and the first thing to greet me was the blue screen of death... twice. The IT guy came over to swipe my computer for the morning to reimage the hard drive. While he was doing so, I called and made an appointment with the pediatrician for my daughter. By 9:20, I had a borrowed laptop in hand, knowing full well I wouldn't be back in for the rest of the day, and headed to pick up Baby Bean.

When I got to the daycare, her teacher looked surprised to see me. I told her I was taking my baby. She asked if I was taking her to the doctor, and I told her I was. She made a comment about her cough and wheezing, and then told me that a couple of the kids had been diagnosed with bronchitis the week before. I was steamed. She then told me that the parents of those children brought their kids in every day and waited for them to get sick enough to run a fever before taking them out of daycare and to the doctor. I was even more steamed. She said she was glad I was being responsible and taking my daughter before she got to the point. I told her I wasn't an idiot and knew my baby needed to go to the doctor before she hit the fever stage.

We got to the doctor's office on time and sat in the exam room for half an hour past our appointment time before we were seen. Shortly after the doctor came in and checked out Baby Bean, she said she was almost positive the baby has RSV.

I can't even tell you the amount of rage that was welling up inside me at that moment. I was so incredibly, unbelievably ANGRY!!!

The doctor ordered an instant RSV test and a breathing treatment. Let me tell you, if you have never done a breathing treatment with a child before, it is horrendous. Not because the treatment is bad, but because the child hates it. The whole time I was holding the mask over my baby's face she was screaming bloody murder and kicking like crazy. I rested my head on hers and cried.

The RSV test came back positive, and Baby Bean's wheeziness only cleared up a little bit, so the doctor began telling me about the prescriptions and treatments ahead. The whole time I was seething with the irresponsible parents from daycare. She told me I would have to buy a nebulizer to give Baby Bean breathing treatments at home with two different prescriptions. The first one two times a day, and the second one four times a day, then I have to give her an oral medication to help keep the inflammation and mucus in her lungs down. On top of that, Baby Bean has another ear infection, so she got antibiotics.

By the time we were done there, it was an hour and a half past Baby Bean's nap time, so I took her home and let her rest while I called the daycare to tell them the news. First I had called Hubs who told me not to bother calling them so that the other parents could learn their children were sick the hard way. I told him that just because they were @-holes didn't mean I was one too. When I did call, they were shocked. But before I let them hang up the phone, I asked the girl to please tell the other parents of sick children that I did not appreciate them bringing their kids to school when they were sick because it was their fault my child was now this sick. I let her know I was very angry, not at the daycare, but at the parents.

Now before you tell me that I was one of those parents today, I am going to say that I took my daughter in this morning because she got sick from there. And I honestly told Hubs this morning that I hoped Baby Bean had a different variation from what the snot-nosed little boy had so she could give it back to him. I've been ticked off about it since last week. Not only that, but the damage is done. The germs are there and have been spread.

After lunch, Baby Bean and I went to the store to get her prescriptions filled. I knew the nebulizer was going to run me around $80. I figured I would be lucky to get out of there under $200. We turned in our prescriptions and waited. And waited. And waited. When they were finally ready, the girl at the pharmacy told me I was in for sticker shock.

$525!!! I kid you not!

She then told me if my doctor allowed it, I could get a generic on the one prescription that cost $300 all by itself. I told her to call and we'd wait. So we waited. And waited. And waited. Baby Bean was an hour past nap time, and she messed her diaper. Things were awesome.

Finally they got the authorization for the generic and it dropped my bill down to $200. We spent freaking 3 hours waiting for those prescriptions. So on top of the cost and the anger already inside me, I had wasted an entire day at the doctor's office and pharmacy. Rest assured, however, that I was kind to everyone. No one knew I was seething on the inside except my husband and parents.

Tonight I want to go knock some parent's heads together. Because in addition to the fact that my child has a potentially life-threatening virus and now has a predisposition to asthma later in her childhood, and the fact that I lost an entire day from work coupled with the major hit to my wallet, we also get to pay for a week's worth of daycare when my child won't even be there thanks to the irresponsibility of stupid, selfish parents. I want to beat this week's tuition out of them. I really can't remember the last time I was this angry. Today cost me well over a grand when all is said and done. Yes, folks, I am seethingly mad.

Every time I hear my child cough in the next room while she sleeps, I get mad. Every time she wakes up screaming bloody murder during the night because she is having a hard time breathing, I want to beat a parent from the daycare. I really freaking hate daycare.

Now, if you actually made it to the end of this tirade, I would like to thank you very sincerely for braving the ride. I will reward you with love and comments on your blogs (which I am now way behind on). :D

Naive? Who Me?

I have found that in the last two years my bitter infertile has been pushed to the back burner a bit. For obvious reasons, of course. As I stand at the beginning of a fresh new year, I find that I am filled with a hope I have not seen since Hubs and I first started TTC shortly after we were married.

This scares me.

Usually when Christmas and New Years are over, I get a bit of a case of the blues. As my dad always says after vacationsare over, "The money has been spent, the fun has been had, and now it's time to go home." All of that buildup and the excitement is let out like the air from a balloon. Its back to daily life.

However, I find this year I am still giddy like Christmas is still just right around the corner. In fact, I think it will fall on February 4th first thing in the morning. It comes in the form of a doctor appointment complete with the ever-so-friendly dildo cam, two sets of stirrups, and (hopefully) a speculum, but this time I can't wait for the date.

This too, scares me.

I had a dream the other night I went to this appointment only to be told by my doctor that my IUD would have to remain in for another month. I was so upset. I told her it had to come out because I had already bought the fertility pills, I had plans, and this was not part of them. I woke up completely upset only to realize it was only a dream.

I have a cupboard literally stocked of pregnancy tests and OPKs in preparation for the battle.

I think there are somewhere around 40+ OPKs and 8+ HPTs in there.

So why am I scared? Because I've been here once before and swore to never be here again. The silly naive girl who thinks, "I'll be pregnant in no time. I won't need all of these pregnancy tests and OPKs. I might go through a couple, but I'll have a bunch left over."

The infertile in me wants to slap me back into reality. I have no idea what state my endo is in currently. I have no idea how my rupture has healed. If it was up to me, I would have been trying for another baby shortly after my first was born because time is not on my side when it comes to building my family. Although, my MIL sent me an article that kind of made me feel better about having to wait. It talked about how it is best to put at least one year between each pregnancy for the health and survivability of the baby.

In the moments where my infertile wants to rattle me, it reminds me of exactly what I'm signing up for this time around too. It could be an easy pregnancy like the first, but then again, it might not. It is already high risk right out of the gate. I worry about making it to the 24th week when I will have an MRI that will determine the remaining length of the pregnancy. That isn't an "if," it is a fact.

I guess the point behind this post to me is to try to get my feet back on the ground. To get my head out of the clouds and to stop being so silly and naive. Yes, I get to TTC again, but I don't want to get my hopes too high about when it will happen, how long it will take, or what I might have to go through again.

I wish that I could be as silly and naive as so many women out there who get all upset when they have been trying to get pregnant for a whole 3-4 months with no success. I wish I could have my head in the clouds when and if I get that positive pregnancy test.

Chelle, this is reality calling you back to earth. Yes, it is okay to be excited to try for another baby, but please, for your sanity, keep your feet on the ground and your emotions in check. Thank you.

It's All Just a Nightmare... Right?

Update: The cat has been downgraded from a mountain lion to a bob cat. Still scary as hell! See picture at bottom.

After this evening, I think I have asked Hubs about a million times if I am in a coma or having a really bad dream because the way my day played out cannot seriously be real life.

10:00 a.m. - My eyes started going buggy about this time. I figured it was because it is time to go to the optometrist for a new prescription. I am pretty sure that looking back now it was the onset of the massive migraine I was about to sport in a few hour's time.

5:15 pm. - I got home sporting a massive migraine that was making me ill. Baby Bean was fussy because she had decided to delay her afternoon nap until shortly before I got home. I sent Hubs out for dinner shortly after feeding her, set the baby in her in bouncer and bounced her to sleep while I lay on the couch with my eyes shielded from the light with my hand.

6:20 p.m. - Hubs gets home with dinner. I ate. I felt better. So I was stupid and decided I would go on a walk around 7:45.

7:45 p.m. - Hello, my name is Stupid. I packed Baby Bean in her stroller, leashed Sadie, told Mags to come (she doesn't need a leash), and walked out the door... without Hubs... super stupid. Half way into the walk my head was pounding, feeling like it was going to implode, but Stupid kept walking.

Remember when I got my speeding ticket last month? Well, I'm still pretty shaken about that, since I still don't feel I did anything wrong. So whenever I see a cop, my heart pounds. I was about to cross the street when I saw a cop car coming my way. I thought, "Sh*t! They are going to see Mags isn't on a leash and give me a ticket." They drove past, we walked across the street into the median. The cop car turned around and headed back in my direction. "Sh*t! I'm getting a ticket!" They drove past. My head was pounding. I crossed the street the rest of the way and kept going.

Let me digress for a second here. Before heading on my walk, I wanted to stop and turn around at that street. I had a really bad feeling about walking all of the way to the town square. So what did I do? I kept walking to the town square. I was walking down the sidewalk toward the square when what do I see? Two cops walking toward me. "Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!" Mags still isn't on a leash. They walk up to me, say hello, and keep on walking. I crouched down and put Mags on a leash (I was smart enough to bring the leash splitter). I kept walking and ANOTHER cop car pulls up. "Oh come on!"

Now for the freakiest freaky part. I was walking the dogs down around the town square along the green belt. I casually look over a bridge to the other side of a small creek and saw A FREAKING MOUNTAIN LION! I am NOT kidding. I looked once. No, I must be seeing things. I looked again. It was there! I have never in my life seen a mountain lion up that close except for at the zoo. My heart started pounding, and I told my dogs to walk faster. We rounded the circle, and I called Hubs to ask if I was in a coma. Was all of this seriously happening? I had to call him because I was on the verge of a full on panic attack and had to stop it before I couldn't function enough to put one foot in front of the other.

Hubs talked to me on the phone until he could come meet me on the trail, and then he brought me home, safe and sound, to deal with my migraine in peace.

Can I just say I am sick and tired of panic attacks? Tornadoes, cops, mountain lions. Enough already! Please give my poor heart a break!

Cat downgrade: This is actually what I saw. A bob cat. Nonethelss, I don't want my dogs tangling with this guy, especially around my baby. They are apparently known to still take down deer. My dogs are no match.