Overdue

I realize it has been two weeks since my last post. My how time has flown. There has been so much going on around our house that I didn't realize how much time had gotten away from me. So here are a few updates of our little household.

Dogs
What do you feed two pregnant dogs who refuse to eat?

Answer: Anything they will.

But in all seriousness, I contacted a couple of breeders to ask this same question, and of course have been all over the web researching. Everyone seems to recommend adding chicken and rice to their normal diet. I am now cooking chicken breasts and rice cooked in chicken broth in bulk.

I tried adding canned food. I tried changing their food. The canned food worked for a couple of days, but both dogs turned their noses up at any type of dry dog food. Adding the chicken and rice seems to make them remember they are hungry, and so they end up eating dry food as well.

As for whether or not they are both pregnant, only time will tell. I took them to the vet a week ago and he said they were both exhibiting outward pregnancy symptoms, but would not say they were pregnant because apparently dogs have false pregnancies where they will experience every pregnancy symptom in the book including lactating, swelling bellies, and labor, but then there will be no pups. So he said all he could do was tell me to come back in 3 weeks and he would do x-rays. I think I will pass on that though. I will just wait to see who has pups and how many, since I know their respective estimated due dates.


Baby Bean
Our little family headed up to see my parents for the 4th of July weekend. We took an extra day off work to make it an even longer weekend. While there we spent some time with all of my siblings, which is a feat considering none of us live in the same states right now, and watched an awesome firework show put on and sponsored by my own little brother.

Before heading home, a few of us went to see the newly renovated zoo.

Baby Bean loved the carousel, as always. She rode a seal.
I love this picture because she still looks so much like a baby.

All of the grandkids posed for a picture on this super friendly bronze lion.

All of the dinosaurs around the zoo were pretty awesome.
They were animated and growled.

Baby Bean checking out some monkeys.

Baby Bean and her cousin sharing a double stroller.

And last, but not least, Baby Bean and her new pool. God help me, for I will and do spoil this child. I cannot help myself. The smiles these things puts on her face is worth all the money in the world to me.

A side note: this pool has 13 different sections that needed to be blown up. Each palm tree had two. It took me over an hour to blow it up with an air compressor.


The Project
A few months ago I was watching a cartoon with Baby Bean that gave me the most fantastic idea to create a quilt that I would then sew charms onto for some of the big events in her life. When I got a bonus at work a couple months ago, I used it to start buying supplies such as silver letter beads to spell out her name; numbers for her birthday; charms of a mom, dad, a little girl, and two dogs to signify her family; and so on. The idea is also to buy charms from everywhere we go on vacation or any fun places we go. When we went to Cancun in May, I bought her a dolphin and seashell charms.

It took me a couple of weeks, and an experienced eye can tell it has been a while since I've touched a sewing machine, but tonight I finally finished the quilt!

Baby Bean showing off her new quilt. She LOVES it.

The Family Square.
Dad, Baby Bean, Mom, Maggie, and Sadie.
I left room to add to the square later, if our family is added to.

TTC
I'm still on break from this game. I'm still doing acupuncture. I'm not doing anymore fertility treatments. I haven't been charting for the last two months and don't think I will until after our puppies have all been sold and are gone.

I've been exercising, but am going to start doing even more this week because one of my BFF's and I decided that instead of going out for lunch every day, we are going to brown bag it and hit our office gym. Brown bagging instantly means I eat better.

I also just had the most normal cycle I have had for the first time since last August, which gives me some hope that things are getting back on track. I have decided that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year I am going to request a laparoscopy just to make sure there is no scar tissue preventing anything and to make sure everything else looks good. Until then though, I'm going to stay pretty zen about all of it. I don't miss stressing about every little thing in my cycle, so I am glad to have a reason to not really keep track of it (i.e., pregnant dogs/impending puppies).

That's pretty much it for now. I am way behind on my blog reading again, but will hopefully have some time to catch up a bit this week.

I Just Have to Tell Ya

I have a few things I want to share tonight. Some are happy, like really, really happy, and some are sad.

So, I got a call from my RE's nurse tonight after I got home. I was sitting with Baby Bean in our family room, an entire house away from where my cell phone sat tucked away in my purse, when my phone started ringing. The girls are really sore right now, and it hurt to run, so I had to grab on and make a mad dash to answer the phone before it went to voice mail. When I answered, it was the person I most wanted to hear from today.

I waited with bated breathe for her to give me my progesterone results. Are you ready for this number? I can tell you right now it is 7 higher than I hoped it would be, which was 3 times higher than I tested in my OB's office at 3dpo. If you just did quick math you would know my progesterone level was

28!!!

That's right, TWENTY EIGHT at 7dpo!

I was gobsmacked. I laughed and started doing a happy dance right there. I told the nurse about the problem with my OB and how she said my levels were only 7.5 at 3dpo and that she didn't think I had ovulated. The nurse then told me exactly what I had found in my google search, and that is that my RE considers anything above a 5 indicative of ovulation, so either way I knew I had ovulated.

TWENTY EIGHT!

I need to go through my old charts back when we first started doing infertility treatments and see what those numbers were. I'm curious now.

I wish I had thought to ask if 28 meant there was more than one corpus luteum in there since my OB had mentioned after my u/s that it looks like I could have ovulated off both sides this month. Maybe I will ask my doctor that tomorrow when we have our WTF appointment. (Sorry mom, that's what it's called here in infertile-land.)

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Ladies, I need all of you to give a shout out to and say a prayer for my sister please. She is about 25-26 weeks pregnant and just found out last week that her Rh antibodies are attacking her baby's blood. This means that her white blood cells are trying to kill her baby. They view it as a virus.

Because she has already lost a pregnancy at 24 weeks, she knows when things don't feel right, and last week she knew something was up. She went in and demanded her doctors take a close look at her baby, and it is a good thing they did. If they hadn't my niece might not be alive right now. Typical hemoglobin levels are around 14. This is the iron-containing oxygen-transport metalloprotein in the red blood cells. In other words, it what makes your life juice move. Her baby's hemoglobin levels were 1.9.

They had to do a blood transfusion on the baby that day, which is very risky. It is right up there with an amnio, if not worse. They actually have to transfuse blood into the baby's umbilical cord. Luckily the first transfusion worked, but it only brought her levels up to an 8. My sister had to go in again earlier this week for another transfusion, which brought her levels up a little bit further. She will have to go in again next week, and then hopefully it will only be every 2-3 weeks for the remainder of her pregnancy.

They think with the transfusions they can keep the baby alive and the pregnancy going, but with every transfusion, there is the risk of early labor.

The low hemoglobin also created other problems in that it resulted on water on the baby's brain and heart. They say the transfusions will help clear this up, and that there will be no lasting side effects.

Needless to say, she is in a very scary place right now. Having already lost a baby at 24 weeks, she is even more nervous. Please, visit her blog and give her some words of encouragement. Send her some love and prayers.

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I don't want to leave this blog on such a sad note, so I will end by telling you a cute story.

Yesterday when Baby Bean and I got home for the day, I pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. I turned around and asked, "Where is Baby Bean?" She replied, "Baby Bean is in the car."

I laughed and was astonished at the fact that my daughter already grasps that concept. She is so amazingly intelligent. In fact, her daycare teacher was prompted by her supervisor to teach BB a new word every day, and to keep track of the new words she learns. Her teacher created an art project with a little paper pot, and for every word each child learns each day, she will create a leaf to put in their individual pots. She hung these up on the cabinets in the classroom.

When she told me about the new project she laughed and said, "Your daughter's pot is going to fill up faster than anyone else's and is going to need a whole wall!" Oh my sweet baby girl. Her mama's wish for her to be intelligent is coming true, even at an early age.

First Family Photos

Sorry friends, if you missed this post, I had to take the pictures down. It was a short-time deal. If my husband knew I had them up, he'd probably be mad. I didn't see the harm in sharing for a few days though.

Stay tuned for the Halloween post!

I am so excited to share this with all of you. A couple weekends ago we went and had our first professional family photos taken. As you can see by the slide show below, they turned out great!

I've got a really fun post up my sleeve, but it will have to wait for another day or so. It is going to take some work on the back end, and then it will be up for your viewing pleasure. Until then, feast your eyes on my wonderfully beautiful little family. :)

What bow? And was that your head?

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you constantly felt like a complete jerk regarding one person in your life? That was me last week.

Sunday was my little brother's birthday. I had sent him a gift and a card in the mail, but then I forgot to call him on his special day. When I realized this the next day, I felt like a total jerk. I sent him a text message telling him I was sorry, I felt bad, and wished him a belated birthday. As are all text messages to my brother, this one was filled with much joking. He gave me only a little bit of grief and then forgave me.

My birthday is coming up in the next few weeks. My husband was planning on buying me a food storage rack for our garage, but Tuesday of last week offered to fly my brother out for my birthday instead. I jumped on the opportunity. I would so much rather make memories with my brother than enjoy stacking food storage on a rack in the garage.

Long story short, my family got in on him surprising me by flying out for my birthday. My husband and brother told me they couldn't find flights cheap enough, so he couldn't come out after all. I wouldn't take that sitting down, so I went out and found a cheap flight that flew in and out at the perfect times. I'll skip the details, but my brother told me he had duties with the Guard every weekend we had tried to get him to come out, which meant he wouldn't make it out.

But as is the case with me, I wouldn't let it go. I wanted my brother out here. At one point I figured they were planning a surprise, but everyone was so good with their lies, I finally decided he really wasn't coming. Then I got frustrated and upset with him. Here I was, offering to give up a great birthday present to get him out here. We had initially offered to pay for his ticket, but my brother's excuse was constantly that he couldn't afford it, which really started to grate me. I never once asked him to fly out on his dime.

Finally by Thursday night I had come to terms with the fact he wasn't coming out, but I wasn't going down without a fight. I called him up and started the conversation with, "Let me tell you why I am so frustrated with you right now, and if you interrupt me while I'm talking, I will hang up on you." I then proceeded to rip his head clean off, but I did it in the most loving way I could under my frustration. When I finished there was a moment of silence, and then my brother said, "I couldn't book the ticket you found because I already booked one, so screw you." Then he hung up.

Toward the end of my tirade, my husband had gotten up and started walking into the room where I was ranting to tell me to knock it off, but he got there too late. He came in just after my brother had hung up. "He told you, didn't?" I shook my head and said, "Yep. I'm an @$$ hat." Holy deuce did I feel bad!

That was twice in one week that I felt like a total jerk regarding my little brother.

I called him back, and we eventually smoothed things over. I still went to bed feeling pretty bad, but promised I would be nothing but happy the next morning, and I was.

The morale of the story to me is to learn how to let things go before I rip bows and heads off of future surprise presents.

Why Do I Blog?

This morning as I was getting ready for work I was thinking about my blog. There have been many times I've thought about quitting and taking it down. Every time I do, I ask myself why I do it in the first place. The answers are always simple.

In no particular order, the reasons I blog:

1. My family is usually the first reason that comes to my head when I ask myself why I keep going. We live hundreds and thousands of miles away from our families. This blog is a way for them to keep up with us and know what is going on in our lives when we can't talk every day or see each other very often. As much as I know it can pain my infertile friends, I post lots of pictures and the occasional video of Baby Bean for the grandparents and my siblings. I feel so torn because I want the pictures out there for the fam, but I don't want my infertile blog friends to feel like I am flaunting. If I post lots of pictures and it is painful for you, feel free to opt out of the post. It won't hurt my feelings. I've been there, and I understand.
2. It is therapeutic. This blog was originally created as an outlet for me and as a journal of sorts to talk about my world with infertility. Here I could keep track of my thoughts and feelings as I went through the process. I started it all on a different blog, and then moved it over here after my lap, so occasionally my readers will see a blog post from my previous blog. The reasons for that are twofold: 1) I want all of my infertility adventure posts in one place; and 2) They just might help someone else who is struggling by either giving them hope or information they did not already have. It feels good to write about my thoughts and feelings, and provides me with an outlet where I can mull them over somewhere other than my head.
3. I can provide support. When I started undergoing infertility I was going it alone. I didn't know anyone else who was suffering from it, but I knew there were other couples out there who were. I chose to use my experience to help uplift and educate others, to show them that they were not alone. I decided that instead of being hurt by infertility, I would use my experiences for something positive. In going through my own battle, I hope my words have provided support and love to those who are struggling. I can also empathize with the struggle of others, so most of the time I know what not to say, and can hopefully provide encouragement.
4. Blog friends. I have "met" some incredible people through my blog. Getting comments from blog friends really brightens my day. I love that we are all here for each other through thick and thin. I love being there for all of you and providing you with words that I hope are meaningful to you. Each comment I leave is very heartfelt and is never a canned response. It is my way of providing all of you with a hug no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I have no words for what you're going through, but my heart and my thoughts are always with all of you, and I mean that. I am constantly sending all of you well wishes and praying for you. You're a great group of women who are all very strong and caring.
5. My battle isn't done. There will come a day (in less than 4 months) where I will be back in the Baby Making Rink, and I will have moments where I will need all of you as much as you sometimes need me. I will be the one who needs to be lifted up, who needs the words of encouragement, and the hug a comment can provide. I try not to think about this one too much, as I haven't yet reached that bridge, but it is always in the back of my mind.

In short, it helps me keep in touch and helps me stay sane. With a list like that, I think I will be around for a while.

Meatses

For Mother's day this year, Hubs bought me a new chest freezer. (Although we all know who bowling ball gifts are really for.) It has always been our goal to one day buy a freezer and fill it with meat. Last weekend our regular coupon mailer showed up at our front door. In it was a flier for a meat packing company nearby. They were having sale that Hubs thought was too good to be true, so he immediately got on the phone and made some inquiries. Within 10 minutes he had opened a 90-day account, even though he had the cash to pay for the meat up front, because if you opened an account you got an additional 100 lbs of meats, including 30 lbs of frozen veggies. All of that was on top of the 200 lbs of meat you could get for a few hundred dollars. He immediately made arrangements to go pick up our 300 lbs of meat and veggies for Monday night.

When he hung up the phone, he turned to me and told me that I did not have to go with him if I didn't want to because the meat was not pre-cut. Apparently they cut it on demand, while you watch. Soooo not my cup of tea. I can barely eat meat as it is, and I have to not think about the fact that it was previously a cute, furry animal. All weekend the thought of a cow happily grazing in a pasture crossed my mind. I felt so horrible knowing it was about to die and be cut up into steaks and then frozen in my garage freezer. I could just see its cute little eyes as it looked over the grassy field, completely oblivious that it was about to die. I told Hubs that if I didn't think about it, or see it in any form other than chopped up and packaged in white butcher paper, I would be fine.

Then on Saturday night we watched "The Changel.ing." Have you seen it yet or heard of the story? Its about a woman whose son is kidnapped by a serial killer in the late 1920s. With the help of a young boy, he kidnaped and chopped up over 20 children. The boy who assisted in the kidnappings came clean with the police, and they determined one of the 20 children was this woman's son. The boy said said a few of the kids got away, but he didn't remember which ones they were. They never determined if one of the 20 was the woman's kid. All they know is her son never came home. Of course, being a modern day movie, it came with gore, not limited to but including a man hacking away at screaming children with an axe, blood flying everywhere, and a pit full of bones. Yeah, so not a good movie choice before getting a load of meat.

The whole time Hubs was gone tonight, I tried not to think about it. He got home just as I was putting Baby Bean to bed. The entire back seat of his truck was packed with meat. I went out to help him bring it in to the freezer, and as I carried the bags, it made me absolutely sick. I could tell exactly what it was. It wasn't frozen, merely cold. It felt like meat and bone. I could smell it. I know it was pigs and cows, but it still got to me. On top of which, he managed to double our order from 300 lbs to 600 lbs. We're not going to need to buy meat for a very, very, very long time.

I will still eat it, and i will still enjoy a good piece of meat or a hearty slice of bacon. I think it will get easier for me to handle now that it will be frozen the next time I touch it, and I won't have to carry bags of raw meat in my arms. I am really glad he bought it. He knows I have really been wanting to start our food storage, and he just gave us the biggest boost toward our goal. I am glad my contribution will be easy things like canned veggies and Spagh.etti Os. lol

I wish I could just get the smell out of my nose!

Sweatin' Up a Storm

Today was rather a crazy day in our little household. There was no sleeping in for me this morning. Both of my pups had to be to the vet by 8:00. Sades was getting her annual physical (I kept telling her she was going to be felt up), and Mags was scheduled for her first teeth cleaning. At 8:15 we pulled into the parking lot, my poor pups were completely excited thinking we were "going for rides" only to find later on that they weren't going to enjoy the destination as much as they thought. Mags was whisked off before I even got a chance to kiss her head and tell her good luck. I did get to kiss Sades goodbye and tell her to be a good girl.

My plan all week had been to spend all day Saturday cleaning the house, as I decided not to bother last weekend and now had double duty to do. But before heading home, I took a few items back to the home improvement store, and then went and got Hubs and I a very healthy donut and kolache breakfast. I got back home just in time to get Baby Bean up for the day and fed.

Next up, cleaning the chariot (aka car). I have to admit, once I got into the car to start cleaning it out, I was rather embarrassed, and asked Hubs jokingly how my car had gotten so dirty and messy as I tossed french fries and Che.etos out the door onto the lawn. I was really cleaning it out because Baby Bean is about 1lb away from being too big for her infant carrier, and truth be told, she is SO over that thing, so it was time to install the Big Girl Seat. Let me tell you, unlatching the latch system from my car was no picnic. My hands still hurt from jamming them down into the seat to get the latches undone.

While it was not hot this morning, it was humid. Very humid. Before I was even done vacuuming half of the bench seat in the back, I had sweat and condensation dripping down my face. I still had about an hour's worth of cleaning to do. I finally managed to get it all done, however, and the car looks and smells great! (It no longer smells like a vet's office). *Let me just add here, I really am NOT a pig. My car just gets very neglected. It has been too stinking hot here to not neglect it.* Baby Bean's new car seat has been installed, slept in, and spit up in already.

Once the car was clean I fought with my computer to put together a little project that will appear on my blog on September 10th. Then it was time to feed the baby again. Then Hubs said we could go to the home improvement store. Why?

BECAUSE WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO FINISH OUR FLOORS!!!!! (I wish I could make this text flash.)

On top of finishing the floors, we're adding two pony walls that will increase our usable wall space, and eventually increase the limited storage capacity in this house.

Before I knew it, it was 4:00. The only thing I had managed to clean was the kitchen. I hadn't heard from the vet saying that the dogs were ready, so I made the call. Five minutes after walking in the door, I was on my way back out.

Mags was sooooo happy to see me. They brought her out alone and first. She sat there and whimpered for a good 5 minutes and just wanted me to hold her. The poor little girl looked as though she had been under anesthesia, and was sporting a bandage on her leg. I felt so bad. But I am happy to report her teeth look fantastic! Next they brought out Sades who was a ball of exuberant energy. I bought them a rope bone that they could play tug with together for being so good at the vet, as well as a bear for Mags. When I took her bandage off tonight, it exposed a paw that had been shaved all the way around just above the knee. Poor little girl!

Again, I got home just in time to feed the baby. Then I helped Hubs for a bit, then we went back to the store, then I vacuumed one floor in our house and did a load of laundry, and before I knew it, it was time to give the baby a bath, feed her, and put her into bed.

It is 11:27 PM right now, and I am still wondering where today went and how I was so busy, yet didn't manage to get very much cleaning in. Its a good thing it is a long weekend. Maybe by the time I get back to work on Tuesday I will have a clean house. Or not.

YAY! BOO!

The fabulous news about today is that we closed on our house this morning! We are now officially the owners of our first home that does not share walls with any other house. I was asked many times today if I was nervous or sick about signing on the house, which seemed like an odd question to me until I reflected on why people would be asking me that question. I guess for some people such a large purchase would be cause for such feelings of trepidation and fear. Me? I was totally excited and couldn't get the keys to the house fast enough!

We stopped by the house this morning to do our final inspection and walk-through before heading off to our closing, and I have to say I really feel bad for the woman who owned the house before us. That house was spic and span! I told Hubs I am sure she was there all night cleaning up, and I was right. She told me at our closing that she had been there until 3:00 a.m. We stopped by the house again after the signing and started to take a look at what projects we wanted to tackle right off besides the painting and new flooring. It was then that the amount of work we needed to put in really came to light. Its a bit more than we thought. I admit, some of it is because I am just that picky; I am going to go through and replace every single light switch, plug, and plate cover that is not white. That one is going to hurt. Some of it isn't that I am so much picky, as neither of us feels that we can live with certain things the way they are, such as the horrible baseboards that we didn't notice we so horrible until tonight. We also noticed for the first time that all of the cabinetry in the house leaves a lot to be desired. I know what you're all thinking: How did we not notice all of this before? Well, I'm not sure, other than to say that we must not have really been paying close enough attention. Oh well, its our house now, so all we can do is either live with it, or cough up the cash to change it. I'm sure it will be the latter.

The bad news we received today came in waves. The first wave was when the guy who was supposed to come in this weekend and paint called and cancelled because a storm blew through last night that took off part of the roof on his house. We feel bad for him, but it sure did leave us in a lurch, since ALL of our move-in plans were timed based on getting our house painted. We can't put in our hardwood floors until the walls are painted. We don't want to move in furniture until the hardwood floors are in. This news really took away from Hubs' ability to be excited and happy after closing. It didn't put as much of a damper on mine because I knew he would get it figured out within the hour, and he did. Instead of our house being painted on Saturday and Sunday, its now going to be painted tomorrow and Saturday. Sweet!

The second wave of bad news hit while I was ordering my lunch. I had planned to fly home this weekend to surprise my family who are all in town this weekend at my parent's house. (This was the surprise I alluded to in a blog I wrote earlier this week.) All of us kids are in different time zones now, so being able to get us all together is a big deal. No one knew I was going home except for my little brother, who was going to pick me up from the airport. But somehow I've known for the last two days that I wasn't going to get to go home. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I got a call from the airline this afternoon telling me that my flight had been cancelled. My only other flight options at that point were not good, so I had to opt for a refund. I called my family and told them about what had happened, and they are all just as bummed as I am. Yeah, I cried. I guess I will just take the money from my plane ticket and put it into the house now. My weekend will now be occupied replacing plugs, light switches, door knobs, and whatever else I want to change that I can afford right now.

To my family: I really did try to come home this weekend. Believe me, I am totally bummed about it; however, I am sure you will all still have a fabulous time regardless.

To Dudela: Enjoy your party. I'm sorry I can't be there. I guess I will just have to send you a nice presie instead. Congratulations on your big day. I love you toady!

A Weekend Full of "See Ya Later"

This past weekend was the one I have dreaded since I knew I would eventually be moving to Texas when I married my sweetie. The weekend full of tears and saying, "see you later." It all started Friday when I packed up the last of my office at work and went to lunch with my coworkers for the last time. I was touched at how many of my coworkers came to see me off, complete with cards and small gifts from a few of them. I had told them all that I was going to peel out of the parking lot on my last day, but my eyes were welled up with tears, and I didn't have the heart to give my car the extra bit of gas necessary. As I left the office, however, I knew this was only the begging of the hard farewells.

Saturday morning I drove up to my parent's to spend the day and that night with my family and my oldest friends. I spent the morning with my dad doing what we like best on a Saturday morning together: going to the chiropractor, buying chocolate covered grapes from our favorite confectioner, and going to lunch. It has been a tradition with us for years.

That afternoon I went to get my last wax and hair cut from the hair dresser I have really come to appreciate the past three years. Her shoes will not be easily filled in Texas.

That evening I went to dinner with my family and my best friend of the last seven years and his wife. After dinner we sat around at my parent's house and reminisced with another old friend who dropped in. We talked about all of the funniest things the three of us ever did together and laughed so hard my sides hurt. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Then came a tough goodbye, when I told my best friend and his wife farewell. I was lucky that I was not only able to hold back the tears, but the emotion as well. My remaining friend joined my little brother and me for a late movie. After the movie, we parted ways, and my brother and I went home. He went to bed, and I stayed up going through the last of my boxes in an attempt to minimize the things I took with me.

Sunday morning saw the first of the hardest farewells, my mom. Its funny how sometimes we don't realize how much we actually need someone until we know that that person will not be able to be there for us on a moment's notice. My mom has been there for me so much the past year and a half as I underwent infertility treatments. I held my mother tight and we both cried softly, while trying to tell our breaking hearts that I would be back in a month for a weekend visit.

Last night brought yet another hard farewell, my brother. My little brother and I have always been really close. We always say that we were supposed to be twins, but were born 4 years apart for some reason. He came down for a final visit at this address as soon as he was done playing military. He stayed for a few hours and we ate dinner, watched a movie, and I helped him with his homework. When he got up to start getting ready to leave, my heart started to break, and the tears streamed unmercifully down my face. All I could do was shake my head to indicate I didn't want him to go. We took our time saying our farewells, shedding tears, echoing promises of visits, and then he got in his car and drove away, leaving me crying and freezing on the front porch with my dog. All I could think was, "This just plain sucks!"

The last of the hardest farewells is being reserved for Thursday, when my dad will come down to see us off. All I can say is that I'm glad I won't be the one who is driving, because that farewell is going to be TOUGH. I am a daddy's girl through and through. I will just have to remind myself that we can still go get chocolate covered grapes every time I come to town.

Sometimes I find myself getting upset about the fact that I am leaving, and have to remind myself that this was my choice. It is in those moments I think to myself, "I really hope this is what you want." My heart breaks and tears stream down my face. I've told myself a dozen times since Friday that I reserve the right to be sad for now, and that it is okay. Even though this is my choice, I don't always have to be okay with every minute of it. This is a major life-changing event, and I need to accept the way it makes me feel without trying to fight it. The future is bright, and I have so many exciting things ahead of me. My opportunities will become opportunities for the ones I love as well. All I can do now is look forward, with hope, to the future.