Morning Sickness and a Bleeding Scare

Ha! How funny that the title of this post has nothing to do with me, but has to do with my dogs who are in the family way. I just couldn't resist. I mean, if we can't find the funny irony in these things then we are too far gone in our own pity parties.

Last Tuesday was one of those emotional days where just about anything and everything set me on the verge of tears (Ma.ster Che.f almost made me cry three times the night before). Tuesday morning my best friend who is pregnant with twins said she was in active pre-term labor at 27 weeks and they were moving her to L&D to try to stop the contractions. Needless to say I was so worried about her all day long that when she stopped returning my texts late in the morning, I started suspecting the worst by the time I got off work that night. Luckily she had just turned off her phone because unluckily she was on magnesium that made her feel like complete garbage. As of right now, she is still on bed rest in the hospital with her twins still nestled snugly inside.

When I got home from work Tuesday night, already on the verge of tears because of my friend, I found that Mags was bleeding dark red blood. And since I had bred her 2.5+ weeks before, I was fearing the worst. I called a dog breeder who told me to get Mags into the vet as soon as I could, so I rushed her right over, not after I called Hubs, sobbing, and telling him to get home ASAP. Luckily the blood was only being caused by a bacterial infection. The bummer is we still don't know if she is pregnant or not and won't for probably at least another week. The vet said the bleeding was not an indication of her being pregnant or not. All I know is that she has never done this before.

My Sadie dog on the other hand is definitely experiencing morning sickness. There is no doubt in my mind that she is carrying around a little litter. I cannot get the dog to eat anything except people food and expensive canned dog food that I certainly cannot afford to keep feeding her throughout her pregnancy.

I have been on the lookout for pregnancy symptoms in both dogs, and the only thing I have seen so far with Mags is the bleeding (which tells me she at least tied with the stud) and that she has been a little more on the clingy side than normal. It is hard to tell if she is or isn't eating as much as normal because Baby Bean has taken it upon herself to continually fill the dog food dishes when they become low or empty. If I had to guess though, I would say the amount Mags normally eats has dropped off as well.

As of right now, my vote is that Sadie is definitely pregnant, but that the jury is still out on Maggie. I think both of them will be visiting the vet this week for a checkup though. I guess I got my wish about someone in this house getting pregnant this year.

Stuck In a Moment

I don't know what really caused it, but I know the moment it happened where all of a sudden everything changed, and I felt the loss again. I was out throwing the ball for my dogs Sunday evening when I looked at the neighbors house. In their driveway was the car I wanted to buy as soon as we found out we were pregnant again. Out of no where, a pang struck me right to my core. All of a sudden, I wasn't fine. That moment was pivotal.

Over the past month and then some, I have been floating along telling myself it is okay if I don't have any more children. I know things are messed up from all of my surgeries. I am just starting to wonder if they are so messed up adding to our family is no longer an option. I've been okay with that, until I saw that car, and my foundation shattered.

Last month is the first month in 5 years, with the exception of when I was pregnant, that I didn't chart my cycle. I had no clue what cycle day I was on for the whole month. I liked it so much, I decided to take this next month off too, and probably the next, and probably the one after that too. When I say it was the first in 5 years, I mean that. Even when we weren't allowed to try, I kept track of my cycles.

I had truly gotten to a point where I was ready to put all of this baby business behind me and move on with my life, and I was okay with it. AF came and I didn't care. I have slowly gotten used to the idea that I will only ever have a family of three. I have been happy with that.

I think what happened yesterday was my coming face-to-face with reality. In the days leading up to that incident, I had been telling myself that I was done. I was really throwing in the towel on having any more kids. I just don't think it is in our cards, and I don't think any amount of my giving up is going to change that. Yesterday was when it hit home that I have to let go of the dream, and that hurt. It still hurts. I spent most of my morning at work today trying not to cry because I have to let go now.

Conversations with people have helped build up to that moment. Conversations like one with a friend in which I admitted that everyone getting pregnant around me at work was a little hard. That I was struggling with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement. Literally half of the people on my team are pregnant or just had a baby. This person told me that I couldn't feel sorry for myself because it was the first baby for most of them.

They completely missed the point.

In fact, it brought to the front of my mind all of the people who were pregnant at the same time I was with Baby Bean have already had a second baby, and people who were pregnant after me have also already had second babies. I have been lapped and passed. I fully expect to hear pregnancy announcements of third babies in the works for some of them soon. That hurts.

Letting go of my dream hurts.

Knowing that I am going to have to go up in my attic and clean out all of the baby stuff I have saved away, hurts.

The comments I get from people such as one I got from BB's daycare teacher a couple weeks, hurt. Apparently BB was acting out in her new daycare by hitting other children. Her teacher asked me if BB was exposed to other children in our neighborhood, or if she had any siblings to help teach her not to hit. I know I flinched. It took me a second to answer. It took that second for me to realize the teacher had no idea of our struggles to get BB, and that she wasn't asking to be hurtful.

People asking in casual conversation how many children I want, hurts. It takes me a second to respond because part of me wants to lash out and answer in a way that makes them never ask me that question again. But I always remember they don't know I'm infertile.

People asking me who I think will get pregnant next on the team hurts. Again, I want to lash out. But I don't. I just always say it won't be me.

Please stop asking me. Please.

I feel this dream slipping through my fingers, and I am coming to terms with the pain and emptiness. I am coming to terms with feeling like a failure because I know one day BB will ask for a sibling, and I know I can't deliver.

I am tired of people telling me to adopt. Even in jest. It hurts.

Right now, I hurt because God placed in me the desire to have children, and he made it so strong that it hurts when I can't fulfill my own desire.

It hurts that I can't give my daughter the joy only a sibling can bring. That she will never say, "You are the best thing mom and dad ever gave me" like I do to my brother. That 20 years from now, she won't have a sibling to tag along with her everywhere she goes and to hang out with her and her friends the way my brother and I did. She won't ever have that person her age who has to love her no matter what simply because they are related by blood. It really hurts.

I know that I will get over feeling this way soon. And I know I will get back to where I am just fine with things the way they are, and just fine with planning my life without worrying about being pregnant or having a new baby. But right now, it hurts.

Pictures to Make You Laugh

This post is all about the pictures that say a million words. Hopefully most will make you laugh, while at least one will make you say, "Wow." And hopefully the one that makes you say "wow" will make you say "wow" for the right reason.

First off I give you, a very relaxed squirrel in our front yard tree.

Oh yes, this is for real. He is not dead. He is just hanging out on the branch. It's really hot here already (100 degrees today) so my guess is Mr. Squirrel was trying to cool off. He bolted up the tree when we came out to head to my mother-in-laws to pick up Maggie after her week of "extra curricular activities."

Speaking of Maggie and extra curricular activities....

This past Saturday we packed Sadie and Baby Bean into the car for an over night stay at my MIL's and to pick up Mags. I knew Sadie had been in heat, and that she went into heat before Mags, but I thought she was done. Because I thought she was done, I told my MIL it was safe to put Sadie outside with her two Border Collies (including Tate the Stud and potential sire). About 10 minutes later I went to check on the dogs to find Sadie and Tate tied. For those not in the Doggie Breeding Know, the term "tied" refers to dogs doing "The Deed" in which they become briefly stuck together until the male finishes his donation.

When my eyes fell upon this act the words that came out of my mouth were not very lady-like, but were followed by a laugh. Looks like I could end up with two litters of pups in about 63 days. We won't know for at least a month whether either of the dogs is pregnant though. (Who knew dogs had a TWW too?! Seriously, the ONE month I take off of charting my cycle and think I will get a break from cycling, I get to keep track of my dog's cycle and be nervous for her TWW! Not only that, but it is a TWW for BOTH dogs AND it is more like a four-week-wait.)

For Sadie and Tate, I made the following pictures:

This should not have happened.

Tate, breed with the green dog, not the red dog.

It is acceptable to sire offspring with Maggie, clearly marked with a green "YES!" in the picture below. It is also acceptable to breed with Belle, marked with a blue "OK." It is not acceptable to breed with Sadie at this time, the dog clearly marked with a red "NO!"

That's right Tate, walk away from Sadie, even though she is clearly beckoning to you.

Sadie to Tate: Hey Tate, remember what we did earlier? Can we do it again?
Tate to Sadie: Not while your mom is watching us. She's glaring at me. I need to walk away.

And finally to wrap up this post, I got my hair cut over the weekend. I have provided some before and after pictures. My husband about died when he saw how much hair I got cut off, but I don't think it was that much. Can you see a big difference? With whom do you vote, him or me?

It is still long, and I actually like this length a lot better. The surprising things is I had been growing my hair out for two years. The last time I got it cut was when Baby Bean was about 4 months old, and I got it cut short. Needless to say, it was time for a change. I love the new cut. It is just different enough, yet still long enough.

Now it is time to play catch up on all of my blog reading!

Terrible Horrible Two's

Have you ever heard someone with a young child ask what happened to their sweet little angel baby? If not, let me be the first. "What happened to my sweet little angel baby?!" Whoever said the twos are terrible was spot on. When Baby Bean was born, and all during the first two years of her life I thought maybe I would be one of those lucky parents who escaped the Terrible Twos. But on second thought, have you ever heard of parents who did?

Baby Bean is definitely a patience tester lately. Grade A, Class 1. She is The Girl Who Cried Wolf so often, we never know when to take her seriously.

Thankfully when she throws a tantrum, they are more of the silent sort, or the crying sort. We don't have any where she throws herself on the floor while screaming and crying while pounding her fists, and we don't have the kind where she does "the limp noodle" in our arms. But we have the kind where she says, "No!" and stomps her foot. When she cries, she cries like it is the end of the world, and it takes very little to make that happen. For instance, if she is playing in my desk and gets a hold of something that I have to promptly take away for safety reasons, she cries like I just spanked her.

When she doesn't get her way, such as having candy for dinner, she cries.

When the dog licks her, she cries. Yes, for real.

When I don't let her take the hose and run around the back yard with it, she cries.

She also cries and claims that everything hurts so that when she really does get hurt, her dad and I have a tendency to blow her off. It makes me feel bad when I discover that she really IS hurt.

Some nights, it feels like everything makes her cry. It drives her daddy and me insane!

As if that wasn't enough, she is in that stage where she blatantly disobeys to see how much she can get away with. Even worse, she already lies. My sweet little baby tells bald face lies.

I just want to know what happened to my sweet little baby who was full of smiles and sunshine. The one who wanted nothing more than to make mom and dad happy.

But on the other side of this is a child who can make me laugh like no one else can. She says the most hilarious things that catch me off guard and undo my irritation with her in a split second. Her giggles are the best medicine in the world. I have never heard anything in my life that warms my heart the way Baby Bean does when she full out laughs. It is amazing.

Want to have a horrible day at work undone? Baby Bean can do that by grabbing your face and saying, "Mama, you're my best friend," or randomly saying, "I love you mama." She can relax the most frayed nerves by snuggling up with you to watch one of her many Di.sney movies. There is nothing like those big blue eyes and sweet little face. One of my favorite things (and her dad's least favorite) is eating fruit snacks together. I love it when she grabs two packs of fruit snacks and hands one to me, all on her own.

Admittedly, 2 is not my favorite age. I am definitely looking forward to her growing out of this phase. I heard that girls make you pay for it at this age, or pay for it when they are teenagers. I pray that that is right. I would rather take my beating now and have an easy teenager any day.

The bottom line is I love my child. More than the air I breathe. More than anything in this world. She is my everything. She is the reason I exist. She is brighter than the sunshine to me, and brings me more cheer than any rainbow. She's my baby, and I thank God every single day of her life that she is in mine.

One of Us Had Better Get Pregnant!

As you can tell by the fact that my last post was over a week ago, things have been pretty on the go around here lately. I attribute it to the fact that the weather is decent and the days are longer, which makes me spend more time with the fam. Baby Bean has been going to bed almost a full hour later than she does in the winter. Most nights I don't even put her in the bath until the sun starts to go down at almost 9:00 at night. Some nights she doesn't get to bed before 10:00. I just can't help it though. I like keeping her up late with me. However, that means I get to bed later than normal too, most nights not getting to sleep until after midnight. So, blog posting and reading takes an obvious back seat. But that is not what I wanted to tell you all about tonight.

Over the past month I apparently subconsciously picked up on signals from my dog that she was about to go into heat. I knew it would be some time soon, but I have been putting off getting ready to breed her by reading up on breeding, welping, and raising puppies. I have been putting off buying the necessary items for having puppies around, the biggest one being a large enclosure followed by figuring out what I want to do for a welping box. (For those who don't know, welping is delivering puppies.)

Just before we went on vacation, literally the night before, I got the hair-brained idea to run to Lo.wes to buy a dog run. I'll get into the whys later (or maybe not, because who really cares why I felt the urgent need to buy it). Since we got back from vacation, I have had a nagging feeling it was time to read up on breeding, dog pregnancy, and all that jazz, so last week I finally found a book and downloaded it onto my Kin.dle (after downloading and reading through four different book samples).

The day after I found the right book, I noticed my Mags was in heat. Huh. Weird. Then last weekend I decided to take my dogs to the vet this week to get them flea and tick shots that last 6 months, rather than doing monthly flea and tick treatments that require me to bathe my dogs, greasy from the meds, 24 hours later. While at the vet, I asked them to ensure Mags really was in heat. The vet offered to do a smear to see how far along in her cycle she was because I was planning on taking her to my MIL's house to breed with her male the weekend of the 10th. After getting the results from the test, he told me I should take my dog this weekend (today) and leave her for the next week because she was far enough along in her cycle, she would be ready for breeding as soon as Saturday (again, today).

I had planned to take this weekend to just relax after a hectic weekend of constant cleaning, cooking, and entertaining all last weekend, but as we all know, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." As soon as I left the vet I was on the phone to my MIL asking if Mags could spend the next week with her. Thankfully, my MIL was very wonderful about it and told me to bring her on down.

Right now my precious pooch is spending her first ever night away from home while I sit home without her. Sure we have spent nights apart when I go somewhere, but she has never gone somewhere to spend the night while I sat at home without her. I would like to say I am sad and lonely, but that wouldn't be true. You see, I have my Sadie dog who is soaking up being an only-dog tonight, and Mags, well, she's getting some action. ;) Maggie and Tate were getting along very well while we were there. :D

I do find it rather ironic that the month I decide to take a break from TTC is the month my dog goes into heat. That even though we didn't stress about getting me pregnant by timing everything just right, I did get to worry about timing everything just right for getting my dog pregnant. I chuckle every time I think about it. Even funnier is how closely our cycles coincided. It's weird how things go sometimes, isn't it?

But here's the kicker: if Mags does get pregnant, her pups will be born around the middle of August. We had been talking about taking my little brother on vacation with us in September, but if I have a litter of 1-month-old pups, I'm not going anywhere. I talked with my husband about waiting until Mags went into heat again next, but we had also been talking about going on vacation again in May, and if we waited for Maggie's fall heat, her pups would be born right around May. Again, I laugh.

So, as with my own conception plans, I have just handed it all over to God, and am letting her get pregnant in God's time too. All I have to say is that one of us had better get pregnant this year.