Over the past month and then some, I have been floating along telling myself it is okay if I don't have any more children. I know things are messed up from all of my surgeries. I am just starting to wonder if they are so messed up adding to our family is no longer an option. I've been okay with that, until I saw that car, and my foundation shattered.
Last month is the first month in 5 years, with the exception of when I was pregnant, that I didn't chart my cycle. I had no clue what cycle day I was on for the whole month. I liked it so much, I decided to take this next month off too, and probably the next, and probably the one after that too. When I say it was the first in 5 years, I mean that. Even when we weren't allowed to try, I kept track of my cycles.
I had truly gotten to a point where I was ready to put all of this baby business behind me and move on with my life, and I was okay with it. AF came and I didn't care. I have slowly gotten used to the idea that I will only ever have a family of three. I have been happy with that.
I think what happened yesterday was my coming face-to-face with reality. In the days leading up to that incident, I had been telling myself that I was done. I was really throwing in the towel on having any more kids. I just don't think it is in our cards, and I don't think any amount of my giving up is going to change that. Yesterday was when it hit home that I have to let go of the dream, and that hurt. It still hurts. I spent most of my morning at work today trying not to cry because I have to let go now.
Conversations with people have helped build up to that moment. Conversations like one with a friend in which I admitted that everyone getting pregnant around me at work was a little hard. That I was struggling with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement. Literally half of the people on my team are pregnant or just had a baby. This person told me that I couldn't feel sorry for myself because it was the first baby for most of them.
They completely missed the point.
In fact, it brought to the front of my mind all of the people who were pregnant at the same time I was with Baby Bean have already had a second baby, and people who were pregnant after me have also already had second babies. I have been lapped and passed. I fully expect to hear pregnancy announcements of third babies in the works for some of them soon. That hurts.
Letting go of my dream hurts.
Knowing that I am going to have to go up in my attic and clean out all of the baby stuff I have saved away, hurts.
The comments I get from people such as one I got from BB's daycare teacher a couple weeks, hurt. Apparently BB was acting out in her new daycare by hitting other children. Her teacher asked me if BB was exposed to other children in our neighborhood, or if she had any siblings to help teach her not to hit. I know I flinched. It took me a second to answer. It took that second for me to realize the teacher had no idea of our struggles to get BB, and that she wasn't asking to be hurtful.
People asking in casual conversation how many children I want, hurts. It takes me a second to respond because part of me wants to lash out and answer in a way that makes them never ask me that question again. But I always remember they don't know I'm infertile.
People asking me who I think will get pregnant next on the team hurts. Again, I want to lash out. But I don't. I just always say it won't be me.
Please stop asking me. Please.
I feel this dream slipping through my fingers, and I am coming to terms with the pain and emptiness. I am coming to terms with feeling like a failure because I know one day BB will ask for a sibling, and I know I can't deliver.
I am tired of people telling me to adopt. Even in jest. It hurts.
Right now, I hurt because God placed in me the desire to have children, and he made it so strong that it hurts when I can't fulfill my own desire.
It hurts that I can't give my daughter the joy only a sibling can bring. That she will never say, "You are the best thing mom and dad ever gave me" like I do to my brother. That 20 years from now, she won't have a sibling to tag along with her everywhere she goes and to hang out with her and her friends the way my brother and I did. She won't ever have that person her age who has to love her no matter what simply because they are related by blood. It really hurts.
I know that I will get over feeling this way soon. And I know I will get back to where I am just fine with things the way they are, and just fine with planning my life without worrying about being pregnant or having a new baby. But right now, it hurts.
14 Thoughts:
Chelle, I am so sorry you are having to go through this process of accepting something you truly don't want to accept. All I can offer is this: I am an only child. Not because my parents didn't want more, but because 'more' never came. It took my parents 8 years to have me {and 4 miscarriages and a full term stillborn} and then, after me, there were no more. My parents went above and beyond to find kids my own age in our neighborhood, enrolled me in activities with other children {baton twirling, Girls Inc, summer camps, marching band, etc} and I can honestly say I was never lonely. My close friends and cousins have been excellent stand-ins. I was loved beyond measure because I was their miracle, as Baby Bean is for you. You will love her, cherish her, as you do now, for always, and she will love you right back. She will understand when she grows up why, if you do not have any more children, she is an only child, and it won't matter to her. She has wonderful parents, she will have wonderful friends, and she will be loved beyond measure. She will have it all. Be kind to yourself. It will be alright.
I am soo sorry that you have been going through such a hard time. I wish I had the words that would comfort you but I don't. I only know from experience, that it does get better, but again from my experience of 19 years of 'trying' the desire doesn't go away but the reality does set in and each day isn't as hard. P.S. I still chart my period just not my temps even though I know in my heart of hearts that it won't happen naturally.
Oh Chelle, this post just desperately makes me want to reach through the screen and hug you!! Secondary IF is such a difficult beast. It's like you're behind a pane of glass and can see what you want all.the.time. You know the joy of a new bub and can't imagine not having that again. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Please email me if you ever need a friend to lean on. And don't worry about the biting, DD only started doing that *after* she got a sibling, so there is no correlation, that is just crap!! Take care ((((huge bear hug))))
Infertility is a painful beast. I remember having days where I felt "healed" and then other days where the reality of the situation was too much for me.
I'm sorry you don't always get the best responses. I've learned through this community NEVER to ask about when someone is going to have a baby, or another baby, etc. And your right. . . your co-worker did miss the point. And just because you already have BB, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to be struggling for more.
I've also made the mistake in my past of bringing up adoption. I've learned that it's just not for some people. We all have desires in our heart that we must follow.
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
Of course it hurts. You're grieving over the loss of what you want your family to look like, what you've always wanted for your family. Just like all grief, it comes and goes, and it's too much to expect you to just "get over it" - it won't happen. Sending you love today. I wish I could give you a hug.
Oh hon. I soooo wish I was there with you and we could go out and talk.
I want to thank you for posting this. Thank you so much. For the last couple days, I've felt some of the same feelings.
I know I would've been in my second trimester and it brings up a lot of things that I didn't realize it would. I won't go into it all but I went from being okay with not carrying to being so devastated. And I couldn't figure out why. It was like a switch went off.
So, thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone. I know that doesn't help you AT ALL and I'm so sorry for that.
Call me if you need to talk, scream, cry, whatever. Or email, text, whatever. I'm always here for you sweetie. We can cry together.
Love you hon
Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. One of my greatest fears is cleaning out the attic if this cycle doesnt work. I think it's that you are so close to your brotehr, and that I am so close to my sisters, that makes this even harder for us. There is nothing like that bond, and not being able to give it to our babies is so painful.
I am here for you and sending lots of prays your way.
xo
I wish I had these awesome words to make it all better. :o( I'm so sorry, this breaks my hurt. I know the wanting and the pain. Email me if you want to chat jeff_and_kahlaatyahoodot come. Sending lots of hugs from our spot in TX.
Getting through this stuff is definitely non-linear. There are peaks and valleys. But I feel like if you come to a decision and work through it, over time the peaks are more frequent and longer than the valleys. It's never going to completely go away, but hopefully it will get easier. xo
And people should never ask such personal questions unless they know you very well. So dumb. Even though we've decided to have just E biologically, it still pisses me off when people assume (and even insist) that we are having another.
Good days and rock-bottom-bad days. I remember people saying so many things to me that would send me to the bathroom in TEARS when I was trying to conceive the first time. So many people just don't know and it is hard to separate their naivity and your pain.
I am so sorry you have had some low spots lately. I know it is an everyday struggle. I pray God will lead you exactly where you need to be here.
xoxo
I'm sorry Chelle. I hate this moment, and I hate that you are there.
I'm so sorry it hurts lovely lady I wish you lived closer so I could give you a hug.
Once an infertile, always an infertile. It's NEVER easy. A lot of people think just because you have one that you should be satisfied. Completely missed the point. Unless they've gone through it, they can't understand how raw the feelings are.
It's hard to understand why when we have such a righteous desire, God doesn't bless us with the children we want. Have faith that God knows your desires and will bless your life with all that you stand in need of. ((Hugs))
Chelle, I know how you feel. It just seems like the hurt never completely goes away. Some days you're fine and then other days - wham! it just hits you suddenly out of nowhere.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I too am an only child. My parents wanted more children but were not able to have them because of the RH blood factor (which can be corrected easily now). I can honestly say I never felt lonely. My parents and grandparents adored me, I had plenty of friends, and I was involved in many activities and went to summer camp every year. Baby Bean will be just fine :)
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