Happy Birthday!

I just wanted to take a minute and say happy birthday to my newest (just over 1 year now) and closest living (lives less than a mile away from me and works about 250 steps from my desk) best friend.

Last April 12, I posted about my new best friend, and boy has the time flown since that day. Over the past year she has been there for me through thick and thin. Helped me through the rough spots and rejoiced with me through the best spots, even when sometimes my joys were hard for her to celebrate. She hugged me when I cried, cheered when things went my way, and shared in my triumphs over life. She has had to do some major damage control from the best friend I had to leave behind just over a year and a half ago. She showed me what it is really like to have an honest-to-God best friend. Someone not related who really cares about you the way your loved ones do. Man, is it fantastic!

I am seriously, honestly, wonderfully blessed to have her in my life. This is the same best friend who took the awesomest pictures of Baby Bean that were better than any professional photographer I could have gone to.

A couple of weeks ago she called me on the phone at work and told me that her wonderful sister (single mother of two) had given her the best birthday present ever. I could hear the emotion over the phone as she told me her sister bought her a trip to the one place in the whole world she has ever wanted to go: Ireland.

That's right, for her fabulous 30th birthday, which is today, my best friend got to go to Ireland and share this special day catching the luck of the Irish!

To show her how much I appreciate her friendship over the past 13+ months, I had my sister make her a gorgeous necklace and told her to hell with the price. I wanted the best. Then for her trip to Ireland, I put together a little photo scavenger hunt book for her from my trip there just over two years ago. I took pictures of the necklace and book, but apparently I didn't save them to the right place in my phone which is half a house away right now, and so I will have to post them later, as it is late and this mom has been run ragged today.

But before I head off to dreamland for the night, I just wanted to say:

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY LISH!!!

To one of the best, best friends I have and have ever had. I love you loads, and I hope your trip is everything you thought it would be and more. You deserve it!

Thank You Birdman

This Memorial Day I would like to thank my very own soldier for his sacrifices: my little brother, whom I affectionately call "Birdman."

When I was only a few years old, I was blessed with one of the most wonderful gifts God has ever given me. I have told my little brother that for years, and constantly tell him that God knew what he was doing when he put us together. We're to peas in a pod who should have been twins, yet were born almost 4 years apart.

When Birdman was only 16 years old, he had the burning desire to serve his God and country. He begged and pleaded with my parents to let him join the armed serves. They relented on one condition, that he not sign up to be a sniper. In honor of their wishes, he signed up to be a field medic.

The summer between his junior and senior year of high school, he headed off to boot camp. The summer after his high school graduation, he completed his advanced individual training as a field medic.

Birdman, the day he shipped out to training for Iraq.

It was 5:00 in the blessed A.M.

In the summer of 2005, I got engaged to my lifelong companion and sweetheart, while my little brother was away serving his two weeks a year. The news came as a blow to him, and after he got my call, he headed off to his bunk to be alone while he swallowed what felt like a sour pill. A week later, he was called up to serve in Operation Iraqi Freedom. He was gone to training before my wedding day two short months later. While I was walking down the isle, he sat all alone once again in his bunk at Fort Sam Houston, unable to leave the base to attend. It was hard for both of us. My dad had called my little brother on his cell phone during the ceremony, but the signal was too weak and cut out. It was a bitter sweet day for me. I love my brother very dearly, and it was hard to not have him there on such a special day.

A month after I was married, my faithful and beloved canine companion's life was cut short. It was a shock and incredibly painful. I had spent a week in tears when one night there was a knock on my apartment door. When I opened it, I saw my baby brother standing there. Because I had just been through so much loosing my pooch, my brain had a hard time figuring out what it was seeing. I just stared for what felt like an eternity. Was I dreaming? I had to be. Birdman was in Texas, getting ready to ship out to Iraq in a week's time. Then I realized he was really there! All I could do was cry and wrap him tightly in my arms.

This was taken the night of my pleasant surprise.

I couldn't believe he was really there.

He had come home to surprise me and everyone knew but me.

I was completely elated! It seems like eons ago now.

Then when he shipped out I would go painfully long weeks without hearing from him. Wondering if he was safe. Aching to talk to him. Willing my phone to accept a text message from him that never came. Every now and then, he would pop up on my instant messenger and my world would come to a halt while we quickly got into conversations while his Internet signal held up. There was more than one time he had to hurriedly tell me goodbye because he had to run to a bunker due to the fact there were mortars being fired around him. Those moments were tense. I begged and pleaded with God for his safe keeping. It was such a relief when he popped back up on IM later to tell me he was safe and sound.

While he was away, he had the option to come home for two weeks or go to some foreign country on the military's dime. I selfishly begged him to come home with promises of taking him to see foreign countries another time on my dime. A promise I have yet to fulfill. Yes, he came home. It was fantastic and a relief to see him. He also got to meet the new addition to my family, Maggie. They bonded right away. Mags knew right off how special Bridman is to me.



As of right now, my little brother is signed up for two tours of duty in Afghanistan. He will ship out some time next year. It pains me for so many reasons. The biggest one of all being that I haven't been in as good of a sister to him the past year as I should be. I haven't been as good about talking to him every day like we used to.

I promise when you call from now on that there will be nothing more important than you (unless Baby Bean is screaming, in which case I won't be able to hear you or vice versa anyway lol). Bird, you have given up so much of your life for the military. While some of your reasons may be selfish, the rest are always for the greater good. For people who take your sacrifices for granted. For people who would spit on you and mock you. You give them the gift of freedom. The gift of freedom to mock, spit, and take for granted. You literally put your life on the line and you do it whole heartedly.

I hate that you have signed up to go back. It pains me, and it makes my heart ache. But I also realize this is your calling in life. This is what you were born to do. You are a most amazing individual full of light, hope, love, wisdom, and an innate goodness, despite what you think. I am so proud of you. I love you with all of my heart, and I thank God for putting us together.

We all thank you for your sacrifices, and we all love you very, very much.

With all our love,
Me, Hubs, Baby Bean, Mags, and Sades

P.S. I will give you $300 for any plane ticket any time you want to come down. You just let me know when. :) You're worth it to me.

I Feel So Much Better

I feel like I go to the doctor a lot since Baby Bean was born. All for different reasons, yet all brought about by the same thing: giving birth. My visit yesterday was one that finally made me feel better instead of scared, frustrated, or still asking questions.

I had gone in because I was experiencing some intense pain my right side that I was sure was an ovarian cyst. It came on over the span of three days and happened to coincide with my putting in the first nu.va ri.ng. I was so sure that it was because of the birth control I came home after work on Thursday and took it out immediately. The pain was so intense I was actually limping when I walked because I couldn't straighten my leg out. I thought it was strange that birth control would cause a cyst, since that is usually what the doctor gives you to treat them. Thursday afternoon I made an appointment to get in to see my OB the next morning.

That night I was talking to Hubs, and of course being very emotional. All day all I could think about was that for the first time ever, I realize I am not in control of my reproductive organs. For once this is not me being dramatic. That I really do not have a good choice thanks to my endometriosis. I don't want to be on birth control. I really, really, really don't. I don't like who it makes me, I don't like all of the side effects that come with it, and I don't like the responsibility of having to remember to take it every day. But thanks to the endo, my only other choice is to take my chances that it won't grow back enough in the next year so as to prevent us from getting pregnant again and having to repeat my laparoscopy to get #2. Either way just plain SUCKS. I had every intention of discussing this with my doctor on Friday morning.

The next morning my doctor told me the pain I was experiencing was most likely related to the cesarean scar healing on the inside and that the fact it started at the same time I started the birth control was completely a coincidence. The location of it was also a coincidence, as it was right next to my ovary, leading her to believe there actually might be a cyst there. She ordered an immediate ultrasound so we could determine what we needed to do, if anything.

While I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come in, I was looking at all of the posters on the walls that showed ultrasound photos of babies during each month of pregnancy and remembering the last time I was in there was for my 3D ultrasound. I was absolutely aching to be pregnant again. I was also afraid I might not get to experience it again. But a strange calm came over me that said I would, and that if I didn't, at least I have Baby Bean. I found so much comfort in the latter that the former didn't matter. At least I have Baby Bean. I thank God every day for her.

During my examination, I watched the tech's face to see if she would give any nonverbal cues to what she was seeing. I got nothing. But after a few moments of looking around, she asked me if I was okay waiting there while she went to get my doctor. Normally I would be freaking out, fighting in vain to hold back tears as every horrible thing imaginable went through my head. No. I was calm. Everything is okay, I thought. I waited patiently for a few minutes until my doctor came in. She viewed the screen as the tech looked around again and said, "What is that?" Still, I didn't freak out. I know! Can you believe it?! I didn't freak out! Who is this woman?! My doctor's reply was, "Can you put it in color?" I should have been freaking out, but I wasn't.

Then my doctor told me there was a weird patch on my uterus. She said sometimes when the baby's placenta is detached it leaves remnants behind, but she didn't think that was what we were seeing. I asked if it was scar tissue or had anything to do with the rupture. Now here's the part I liked: she said the rupture was healing well and that the wall where she repaired it was nice and thick! I grinned. Who cares about weird patches, it sounds like I can breathe a hell of a lot easier when #2 is conceived!

Long story short, she doesn't know what the patch is, but she thinks it will be shed by my next monthly visit. She also told me to expect some break through bleeding this month. Boy was she right. Guess what I got this morning? Its like my visitor is here all over again a week after she left. That explains a LOT. The freaky thing is she said if it isn't gone by next month they are going to have to scrape it out. It WILL be gone! She also said I get to be birth control free this month and that I will be until we figure out what is going on. WOOHOO!!! Once we figure out what is going on, we have decided I will more than likely get an IUD that will suppress the endo and come without the majority of birth control symptoms. WOOHOO!!! She further said that ovulation typically resumes within 1-2 months of removal. WOOHOO!!!

So here is where I stand: I don't care about Strange Growth, it will go away on its own before next month. I am stoked I don't have to do birth control to suppress the endo. I am confident I will have a least one more, if not two more babies. I am feeling really dang good about things today. Finally!

I Need to Heal

I have been composing this post in my head for the last 45 minutes or so. Debating over whether or not I wanted to write it out. I have decided I do, simply because I need to heal. This old wound that seems at times to have healed and scarred over keeps reopening and sometimes downright bleeding all over again. This is going to be the longest post of my blogging career, and I am sure it will only be one in a series, as I use my blog as therapy to get my feelings and emotions out to where you can find them, should you so choose. I am sure I will reread and rewrite this post more than a dozen times over the next few months and maybe even years. But it is my therapy.

A few days ago I came to the realization that now that I have a baby I am that person. The person to people who aren't in my shoes and want to be have a hard time being around or talking to. Not because I am a bad or mean person, but because I have the unattainable. I am very happily married and have an incredibly beautiful child. Living the American Dream, as it were. I know how blessed I am. I have walked a long, hard road to get here. Sometimes it was easy, other times it was downright unbearable. Nonetheless, it is painful for some of my dearest friends to associate with me on the days that they feel their wants acutely. It hurts me, but I can understand where they are coming from. I want to be there for them, but I can't.

Two years ago this August, this road cost me something very dear, but it was a price I had to be willing to pay. I lost a friendship. A friendship that had lasted 21 years. In retrospect, it was a very one-sided friendship, and I can't even tell you how much it hurt to not only end it, but to realize I how much I gave and that what was given in return was not what I deserved. So now I turn this post to you.

Please don't take this as more than what it is, a formal apology. I am not attempting to rekindle a friendship. If not for myself, then out of respect for my family, I can't do that. I have a daughter now, and you have a tendency to bring out a side of me that I don't like. A side of me that no one else but you has the ability to bring out. This isn't a snotty or mean post. It is me asking what went wrong. My intonation is that of someone who has been wounded and doesn't understand why.

It has been almost 2 years since I had any contact with you. There isn't often a day that goes by that I don't think about you. That I wish and hope that your life is going well. That you are realizing your dreams. I admit, there are also days that go by where I want to flaunt my life in your face, but it is only because my dreams coming true is what caused you to cause me such pain in the first place.

All I ever wanted was to be there for you. To be the friend you needed. I never wanted to hurt you or be mean, and the only times I intentionally did so, it was in retaliation to your hurting me. Like trying to help the wounded dog who rewards your kindness by biting you to the core of your very sole. I never did understand why you treated me the way you did, and I still don't to this day.

I wanted you to be a part of every special moment in my life because you were my best friend, and I loved you like my own sister. But I feel that my love was met with spite and sometimes downright hatred.

Why can you be happy or be friends with everyone else in your life but me? Why was it that when I got asked out on dates you were the only person who didn't want the juicy details the next morning? You of all people should have wanted them. You were my best friend.

Why did you tell me that if I ever got pregnant, we wouldn't be friends anymore, but you could still be friends with everyone else in your life who got pregnant before you? I wasn't trying to start a family to hurt or be malicious to you. It wasn't a game or a race to me. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. It had nothing to do with you. It was painful. I needed you to be there for me. You were the only person on the face of this planet who I knew was going through the same thing. Only I was much worse off because I actually sought treatments and spent thousands of dollars trying to be a mother. My monthly disappointments seem to me to be far worse. I was throwing everything I had into achieving my dream. It left me broken. And then I lost you.

I felt like I needed to be there for you because you pushed literally everyone else in your life away. I know you better than you think, and I know you didn't have any other true friends. You didn't have anyone else besides your husband and family who cared about you the way I did. When people tried to care about you, you viewed it as their trying to be nosey only to gossip about you, but in reality, they just wanted to be your friend. Why did you bite them?

Why did you call me when you needed someone, and then not return the favor? When I needed you, you turned your back and left me to bleed. I was the one who was there for you and held you while you cried when things that seemed so unfair happened to you. I didn't judge you. I ached for you. I cried with you. I loved you.

You seemed so much to dislike me and to do your best to push me away, but I wouldn't have it. I wouldn't give up. You needed someone in your life who really, honest to God cared about you besides your family. I was there the first time your husband went out of town and you were afraid of being home alone. I slept on your cruddy couch only so you would have the comfort of knowing I was there and you weren't alone. But you abandoned me when I needed you most. You not only abandoned me, you made my journey harder and more painful, and I don't know why.

You couldn't even loan me .26 cents the day we went to Sub.way as you shook your wallet full of change, looked me straight in the eye, and told me you didn't have it. I didn't know what to think in that moment. I knew you had more than .26 cents in your wallet. I saw it with my own eyes when you paid for your meal. I chose to repress the shock that was welling up inside. I would not have hesitated to loan you $100, let alone .26 cents. That action alone spoke multitudes to me about how you viewed our friendship. It really hurt.

I also want to know why when we were in high school and someone we didn't even like told you that I said you were a brat, you believed her and quit talking to me. You didn't ask me if it was true, forget the fact it was a ridiculously silly thing to quit talking to me over. You didn't even for one split second think that that person could be lying to you because we didn't like her and she didn't like us. You just quit talking to me and refused to tell me why. I had no clue what was going on. She won. Part of me wishes I had let the friendship go there, but I was stubborn. We had come too far to just give up a friendship over something so stupid.

You finally pushed me to the point where I had to give up. I am sorry. I couldn't carry you anymore. I couldn't handle the intentional hurt one more day. I'm not only sorry for giving up, but for doing it the way I did it. It was cowardly. But I was so hurt. I was in shock. I could not believe that someone I cared about so much was so cruel and heartless in my hour of need. I was already down. I was as low as low could get, and you kicked me as hard as you could. I couldn't bear to talk to you. I couldn't bear to see you or hear your voice again. I still don't understand your cruelty that day. Why did I deserve that? What part of my false pregnancy test offended you so much that you would gloat at my pain? Remembering it still hurts. It still makes me ask why.

I thought I had a best friend for 21 years, but you were really my worst enemy. You smiled to my face while you held the knife in my back. I tried to share everything happy with you. I wanted to be there for everything happy for you. When you got married, I wanted to go dress shopping with you, help you with your hair, be there with you before you walked to the altar on your wedding day. Why? Because I loved you like a sister. I was so proud of you and so happy for you. I wasn't jealous or envious. I knew my wedding day would come when the time was right. Just like I wouldn't have been jealous or envious if you had gotten pregnant before me. I would have been there for you every step of the way. Sharing in your every symptom, rejoicing in every fetal movement, thanking God when the baby was born for such a beautiful blessing in your life.

I am sorry for you. You carry so much hatred and so much pain. You carry baggage that isn't real. You block out everyone who would try to help you carry the load. You think that their intentions are underhanded and have a selfish purpose in mind. People want to care about you because you are worth caring about. You need to let them in. You need to find in a new friend what you lost in me. Someone who honestly cares about you more than you will ever know or see.

You are a wonderful person. You really are. I don't know what damage was done to you to cause you to treat me the way you did. If it was my fault, if I did something at some point to cause you to be so mean and hurtful, I apologize until the end of time. I'm sorry I wasn't the friend you needed. I hope that you can find someone who is.

I hope and pray that one day you have the blessing and pure joy of having a child to call your own in your home. And I hope that child teaches you how to truly love something more than life itself or the air that you breathe. I hope that you love it so much it hurts. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and to have that joy in your life. I hope that the past couple years have been kind to you and that the rest of your life is kind to you. I wish you all the best, and I mean that.

I am sure this wound of mine has yet to heal, but at least I am facing it now. I don't know if you will ever read this, but the thought that you might helps me move on. It helps me close a chapter that ended poorly.

I wish you all the best.

Ren Fest Pie

Every year the there is a renaissance festival held within a few hours of our house, and Hubs and I like to go. He has actually been going to these festivals for probably over 10 years. I started going with him when we met, so this year will mark my 5th year. We usually go to the one down by Houston, but when we moved here last year, we found out that there is one within a few hours of our house. This past Sunday the day was entirely too beautiful to not go. It had rained the day before, but the sun had come out by the end of the day and dried up all of the humidity. Sunday dawned, crisp, cool, and dry. On a whim, we packed Baby Bean into the car and headed out. It was her very first Ren Fest outside of the package!

We usually dress up for these things, but I need some new costume pieces to accommodate my new mother figure, and we don't have a costume for Baby Bean yet, so we went as modern day peasants in our normal street clothes.

Here Baby Bean is sitting with Daddy, watching Dr. Ka.boom try to launch bananas into a 13-year-old boy's mouth from across a stage. Man it was a beautiful day! (Notice the mud caked to the stroller wheels.)

Here I am with Baby Bean after her bottle. It took about 10 minutes to get this shot because she was so enthralled with everything going on, she didn't want to look at old hat stuff like mom, dad, or the camera. In fact, we had a hard time getting her to eat her bottle until she figured out she could watch everything going on AND eat AT THE SAME TIME! She seriously rejected her bottle the first three times we gave it to her so that she could watch all of the crazy people.

I think we spent about 5 hours at the festival and completely enjoyed ourselves. We are totally planning on dressing up for the one in the fall though.

Yesterday at work I was greeted with a fun surprise. My New Hire pie! Yes, I have been here for 14 months, but apparently when I and the guy next to me got hired on, they forgot to get us our New Hire Pies. While I was busily plugging away at a manual, my PM's boss came over and presented me with a delicious looking apple pie. On the box he had written a message, welcoming me to the company. We laughed and I said it was better late than never.

It looks delicious doesn't it? I will let you know how it tastes when I finally get to dig in tonight.

On the sleepy front, I was put on Am.bien to see if the dizzy issue is brought on by lack of quality sleep. I have to say, I feel pretty funky today. I'm not sleepy or tired, but I don't have the energy to care about things. Its almost like I am just totally zen. Hubs is sure going to enjoy it. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts slipping them to me or making sure I take them every night just to get a calmer wife. My only concern is that I know for a fact I have gone sleep walking on this drug before, so I have told Hubs he has to hide my keys. Going on a night drive with Baby Bean wouldn't be too cool. We'll see how it goes over the next few days. :)

Third Time's the Charm... To Freak Out

I've been going to the doctor lately to see if we can figure out why I am not only completely exhausted all of the time, but also to see if we can figure out why I keep having dizzy spells. The dizziness hits a few times a day and for no apparent reason. I can just be sitting and my desk and be overcome with a wave of dizziness. If I happen to be standing or walking when the wave hits, I inevitably lose my balance. Not such a great thing when I'm holding Baby Bean.

When I went to the doctor for the first time about it a couple of weeks ago, they ran a whole slew of blood work. It all came back completely normal. Of course it did. I knew it would, and that the answer wouldn't be that simple. However, it was at this appointment that the fear was put in me regarding baby #2. When I told the doctor about the uterine rupture she bombarded me with a whole slew of questions and seemed almost panicked. "Do you still have a uterus?! Did they fix the rupture?! Did they say if you could have more children?!" To the last I told her they said yes, but that we had to wait a year. Her response, "AT LEAST!" She then proceeded to tell me why (i.e., internal bleeding, potential death to both the baby and me, etc.). Okay, I knew my OB was serious when she was telling me these things, but I still thought everything would be fine when we next got pregnant. At this point I had a sinking feeling in my stomach and was starting to sweat because at that moment, I was already afraid I might be pg. Thank heaven I wasn't, but I didn't find out for sure until a week later (yes, I was freaked out for a WEEK!).

When all of the blood work came back normal from my first visit, I told the doctor about how I had concerns I may have a little heart problem based on some information passed on to me a couple of weeks earlier by my dad. She ordered up an ultrasound of my heart, but I opted to speak with the cardiologist first and then see what tests he wanted to run. That appointment was yesterday. I proceeded to give him my history and he asked if I had had any recent surgeries and what prompted my visit. When I told him about the uterine rupture he began asking the same slew of questions, only he didn't seem panicked. When I told him about the year-long wait, he struck the fear into me again. Telling me that if baby #2's placenta breaches the uterine wall, it could implant into my internal organs and that that kind of bleeding is really hard to stop, once again leading to death.

Today in my monthly review with my PM, I decided I had better fill him in a little bit about what is going on, since the exhaustion and dizziness occasionally affects my work, like it did yesterday when I had to ask if I could leave early. He jokingly asked if I was pregnant again, and I assured him I was not and proceeded to tell him what all three doctors had told me. He responded that my next pregnancy would be serious business and I had to weigh the risks and determine if it was something I was willing to take a chance on. I told him I absolutely was and that we would just hope and pray that everything turns out okay.

I have to admit, after having three different doctors tell me what I am now up against with #2, I'm a bit nervous. Am I willing to chance it? Yes. Undoubtedly yes. I feel like we'll be okay. I am in good hands with my doctors, and the hospital is a 5 minute drive from my house. I am, however, second guessing my desire to try again in a year. Hubs feels that we can start trying in a year because the doctors told us that was the minimum length of time we needed to wait, and if it should be longer, they would have said we needed to wait longer. So for now the plan is still to do the ring until January and then start trying for #2.

One thing I haven't mentioned to anyone yet is that at my 6-week post partum checkup my doctor informed me that the doctor who removed my uterine septum took too much of the wall out. I haven't told anyone that yet (not even my parents) because I am not sure how I feel about it. When she told me that, I became angry for the briefest of moments. "He messed up our chances of having more children! He didn't even ask us if we wanted to take it out. He just went ahead and did it!" But then I realized a split second into my mental tirade that even if he had asked us, we would have told him to take it out. He did the best he could. We did the best we could. We would have been in this same place no matter what. Infertility is a gamble all across the board. I have to remind myself of that fact every time I get that moment of anger. We all did the best we could.

In lighter news, I went and got my first "mom" hair cut tonight. I figured since all of my locks were falling out, I should just go get my hair cut to reduce the nightly ball of hair that collects in the shower drain. I am hoping that seeing a smaller ball will help ease the pain of seeing my hair come out by the handful. Besides which, this will make it look less silly when it all starts to grow back in, and I like cutting my hair once a year and watching it grow back out over the next 12 months. So I leave you with a somewhat cruddy picture of my new do (please be kind, it was taken at 10:00 p.m. I'm a tired woman!).

I just hope it looks better tomorrow when I can go at it with my straightening iron and get it to curl the way I want it to. I cut off about 8-10" tonight. Here's to another year of growing it out again!

Random Picture Post

As promised, and finally, here is my picture post. Let's start with Baby Bean's finally finished nursery.

Baby Bean, sporting her new changing table.

The entrance to the fabulous nursery,
complete with pictures from our last photo shoot.

The "swing" wall. Baby Bean spends many happy hours sleeping in this
fantastic swing next to her large Po.oh bear.

The window wall. Yep, the room is so small the furniture is literally wall-to-wall,
but that's what happens when you only have two fully usable walls.

The crib wall. The glider was a pressie from the grandparents,
and grandma made the pillow in it.

This is the plate we made at Co.lor Me Mi.ne last week. I couldn't wait until father's day to give it to Hubs, so he got it yesterday right after I picked it up.

This is our latest flooding incident last weekend. Do you think we have drainage issues?

The water was probably 2-3" deep.

So there you have it, my random picture post!

Welcome Back

Why is it that whenever I'm not sitting at my computer, ready to do a blog post, I can think of a million and one things I want to blog about, but the second I sit down, everything that was in my head quickly vacates the premises? For example, last night in the shower I had three ideas for posts. I thought I should write them down really fast so I wouldn't forget them, but realized I was still in the shower, so I told myself that this time would be different. This time I would remember. Now that I'm sitting here, not so much!

Mother's Day yesterday was a pretty good day. Baby Bean decided she wanted to tell me happy mother's day really early... as in 3:45 a.m. She has been sleeping until at least 6:30 a.m. and sometimes even until 9:00 a.m., but not Sunday. Nope, she wanted mama to come in and feed her super early. I thought that would mean she would make it to her 9:00 feeding just fine. Guess again! I was awakened next at 7:45. By 8:00 I was up and ornery as a hibernating bear awoken a month early. I had spent the whole day before cleaning the house and ehausting myself. I needed the sleep I wasn't getting. The worst part? I wanted to be pissy because I was seriously sleepy. But the second I went in to ornerily dress Baby Bean, she was all smiles and coos. Gah! It is impossible to be upset when she is so freaking cute! After I got her dressed and fed, Hubs took over and I went back upstairs and slept until her next feeding at 1:00.

That night we went over to my friend's house for a cookout with her, her husband, and all of her family. We stayed for a few hours and had a great time. She is an absolute doll, and after meeting her family, I could see where she got her personality. They are a great bunch of people. (The food was pretty tasty too!)

Today, my door was darkened by the visitor who has been absent for over a year. Yep, I'm back in the cycle saddle. As usual, I have mixed emotions. Part of me is sad I have to deal with this crap again, but part of me is excited because it means I get to start counting down the months until we get to try for baby #2. The other downside, I get to meet another new friend... Nu.va Ri.ng. Again, mixed emotions. Part of me is afraid of the potential hormonal wench it could turn me into, while the other part of me views it as another way to count down. I only have to use 8-9 rings and then I'm done. The infertile in me is scared to go on it because I am afraid it will throw things out of wack again and I'll be back in the doctor's office for stims and shots when I'm done. But all things considered, I am surprisingly almost excited to begin. I thought it would be really hard to go on birth control while my brain is still adjusting to how ironic it is after being infertile, but I am okay with it just because of the countdown factor.

I'm going to cut this post off right here because Hubs is ready to watch a little TV and snug. I hope you all had a great weekend. Hooray to Monday being down!

I Earned It

I should be running off to shower right now and getting ready for bed, but the best thing ever happened today. Before I divulge what it was, I want to start out by saying that the past few days I have been going through some of my old blog posts. I'm not sure what brought about the desire to remember just how far I've come. Perhaps it is because one year ago I was completely discouraged on the baby front. I was ready to throw in the towel. I had undergone infertility treatments for almost two years and met with disappointment after disappointment. Flushed money down the drain in the hopes of being a mommy. Hopes that were met with pain, heartache, and discouragement. I had undergone moderate surgery that left me hurting for months afterward and wondering if it was all worth it, wondering if it would be the cure.

In reading through my old posts, it drudged up those old feelings again. Some of them even made me cry. Life was hard for us during that time. On top of AF darkening my door every month instead of a positive pregnancy test, I was in a job I just plain hated. We were in a situation that never felt permanent. My house never felt like home. I was always waiting for something bigger and better; the next chapter. I continually felt like our ship had to come in sometime, but when? I was so miserable. The things I had going for me were that I had the most wonderful, understanding husband in the world, a very supportive and loving family, and the awesomest dog ever. It doesn't sound so bad, right? Try being hopped up on synthetic hormones, wishing for the one thing you want more than ever and not being able to obtain it when it should be your God-given rite. Infertility took over my life and put such a dark cloud over me that some days I had a hard time coping. I can't even count how many days I was running on auto-pilot. To top it off, I had no one who knew what I was going through to talk to about it all. I had no real life friends living close by.

Something had to give. I realized, I had to make it give. I couldn't sit around anymore and wait for my doctor to see if my surgery fixed our problem, but I also couldn't bring myself to bear the thought of sitting in the waiting room with all of the other pregnant women again while I was there for my next round of shots or ultrasound to check folicles and not babies. It was time to move on.

Flash forward to now and I can't believe how much our lives have changed, even in just a year's time. Our ship did come in. I landed the job of a lifetime that pulled me from the dark abyss that was my life. It was the beginning of something even more grand.

Now I will tell you what happened to me today. Around 3:00 while I was plugging away and modifying a standard operating procedure, a gentleman appeared with a box for me. I knew immediately what it was: my mother's day flowers. The flowers that I have honestly wanted and ached for since trying to become a mother over three years ago. Hubs wouldn't buy them for me unless I was a mother, so every single mother's day was a stab in the heart to my infertile self. Sometimes I bought things for myself from the dog just to make me feel better.

As you can imagine, my heart swelled and so many thoughts and feelings went through my head as I opened the box to reveal 24 red roses and a card that said, "Happy mother's day! Hubs and Baby Bean." I just kept thinking, "I worked so hard for these," as I looked at them, the card, and pictures of my baby. "I've finally made it. I'm a mother." Within seconds I had tears streaming down my face. My emotions were mixed with love, euphoria, excitement, heartache, pain, and remembrance. I literally earned those flowers and they mean more to me than words can express. Even now my eyes are welling up. I placed the vase next to my dry erase board where my dear friend had written, "Baby Bean arrived February 2nd at 8:01 a.m." and took a picture. I pinned the card up to my cubicle wall under a picture of my baby.

It was a long, hard road, but one that was absolutely worth it. I earned those flowers.

Everyone Else is Doing It

Apparently all of us bloggers are on the same "random" page today. I was totally going to do a post of random things, but found that a couple of you have already beat me to the punch (or is it in the air?). So here are my random thoughts:

• I listen to music a lot. In the shower, in the car, at work, etc. So when I get an itch for new music, I need to give into the urge ASAP, otherwise I will end up going overboard like a starved person on a calorie cutting diet in a confectioner's shop when I do finally give in. Instead of buying 1 CD, I'll buy 5, and then go back two days later and buy 3 more.
• Hello, my name is Chelle, and I have a spending addiction. It makes me happy. Gets me high. I love it. Retail therapy always cheers me up. Its my friend.
• I can be good about not spending money for maybe a couple of months at a time, but when I walk the slippery slope of purchasing something big, I end up back in the confectioner's shop. The thing that did me in this time? Purchasing the remaining items on Baby Bean's registry. Oh yeah, I slid down the slope like a mad woman within minutes of pressing the Purchase button.
• iT.unes is of the devil. I won a $25 gift card for it at my work Christmas party, but have managed to never log on to the store until Sunday... and then all hell broke loose. $80 later and my need for new music was still not curbed. Thank heaven for Hubs! He told me to knock it off and get away from the computer.
• We had so much rain over the weekend our back yard flooded big time. We had several inches of standing water back there. I took pictures. Will post later. They also closed the road to Lo.ews because it was flooded.
• We went to Lo.ews and Hubs bought shelves for the garage. YAY! He even put them up the next day. YAY! YAY! Now I can start our food storage. YAY! YAY! YAY! When we left Lo.ews it was pouring so hard I got completely soaked through running from the truck to the front door of the house.
• The day of my LMP was 5/4/08. That's right, it's been over a year. One year ago, I was upset and ready to throw in the towel. I thought I would never be a mom.
• One year ago I realized I could have a kid by that same time the following year, and I do!
• I have been going on walks almost every single day and doing ab exercises every single night for the past 4 weeks and still look 4 mos pg. But the What.to.Expect website said it is completely normal and it will go away. "It took 9 months to get it on, give it 9 months to get it off." Okay, but I'm impatient, and I want it gone yesterday. I just need to keep plugging away.
• Tonight I am going to a place called Color.Me.Mine with my friend to paint ceramic plates. I am totally excited! We're taking Baby Bean and are going to get her foot prints on a plate.
• My next post will be a picture post with pictures of the nursery (finally finished!), the flooded yard, and the cool things my friend and I make tonight.

That's it for now.

For the Grandparents, With Love

On thursday my best friend came over with her super fancy professional camera and took scads of pictures of Baby Bean, Mags, and I for Baby Bean's 3-month birthday and her daddy's birthday this month. We were out and about near my house in what felt like 90% humidity for over two hours and took almost 700 pictures. I had an appointment scheduled with a photography studio today, but cancelled it yesterday when there were confirmed cases of the swine.flu in my county and all of the schools were promplty shut down. I just don't dare take any chances with my baby right now. As you can imagine, I was really glad we were able to go out on thursday and get so many wonderful pictures. Hubs and I decided they are heads above what we would have gotten today anyway and he has picked the first picture in the slide show below for his b-day pressent from Baby Bean.

I have put together a little presentation with just a few of the seriously awesome pictures we got that day.

To the grandparents, if you would like any of the pictures in here, let me know.

We love and miss you!