I Feel So Much Better

I feel like I go to the doctor a lot since Baby Bean was born. All for different reasons, yet all brought about by the same thing: giving birth. My visit yesterday was one that finally made me feel better instead of scared, frustrated, or still asking questions.

I had gone in because I was experiencing some intense pain my right side that I was sure was an ovarian cyst. It came on over the span of three days and happened to coincide with my putting in the first nu.va ri.ng. I was so sure that it was because of the birth control I came home after work on Thursday and took it out immediately. The pain was so intense I was actually limping when I walked because I couldn't straighten my leg out. I thought it was strange that birth control would cause a cyst, since that is usually what the doctor gives you to treat them. Thursday afternoon I made an appointment to get in to see my OB the next morning.

That night I was talking to Hubs, and of course being very emotional. All day all I could think about was that for the first time ever, I realize I am not in control of my reproductive organs. For once this is not me being dramatic. That I really do not have a good choice thanks to my endometriosis. I don't want to be on birth control. I really, really, really don't. I don't like who it makes me, I don't like all of the side effects that come with it, and I don't like the responsibility of having to remember to take it every day. But thanks to the endo, my only other choice is to take my chances that it won't grow back enough in the next year so as to prevent us from getting pregnant again and having to repeat my laparoscopy to get #2. Either way just plain SUCKS. I had every intention of discussing this with my doctor on Friday morning.

The next morning my doctor told me the pain I was experiencing was most likely related to the cesarean scar healing on the inside and that the fact it started at the same time I started the birth control was completely a coincidence. The location of it was also a coincidence, as it was right next to my ovary, leading her to believe there actually might be a cyst there. She ordered an immediate ultrasound so we could determine what we needed to do, if anything.

While I was waiting for the ultrasound tech to come in, I was looking at all of the posters on the walls that showed ultrasound photos of babies during each month of pregnancy and remembering the last time I was in there was for my 3D ultrasound. I was absolutely aching to be pregnant again. I was also afraid I might not get to experience it again. But a strange calm came over me that said I would, and that if I didn't, at least I have Baby Bean. I found so much comfort in the latter that the former didn't matter. At least I have Baby Bean. I thank God every day for her.

During my examination, I watched the tech's face to see if she would give any nonverbal cues to what she was seeing. I got nothing. But after a few moments of looking around, she asked me if I was okay waiting there while she went to get my doctor. Normally I would be freaking out, fighting in vain to hold back tears as every horrible thing imaginable went through my head. No. I was calm. Everything is okay, I thought. I waited patiently for a few minutes until my doctor came in. She viewed the screen as the tech looked around again and said, "What is that?" Still, I didn't freak out. I know! Can you believe it?! I didn't freak out! Who is this woman?! My doctor's reply was, "Can you put it in color?" I should have been freaking out, but I wasn't.

Then my doctor told me there was a weird patch on my uterus. She said sometimes when the baby's placenta is detached it leaves remnants behind, but she didn't think that was what we were seeing. I asked if it was scar tissue or had anything to do with the rupture. Now here's the part I liked: she said the rupture was healing well and that the wall where she repaired it was nice and thick! I grinned. Who cares about weird patches, it sounds like I can breathe a hell of a lot easier when #2 is conceived!

Long story short, she doesn't know what the patch is, but she thinks it will be shed by my next monthly visit. She also told me to expect some break through bleeding this month. Boy was she right. Guess what I got this morning? Its like my visitor is here all over again a week after she left. That explains a LOT. The freaky thing is she said if it isn't gone by next month they are going to have to scrape it out. It WILL be gone! She also said I get to be birth control free this month and that I will be until we figure out what is going on. WOOHOO!!! Once we figure out what is going on, we have decided I will more than likely get an IUD that will suppress the endo and come without the majority of birth control symptoms. WOOHOO!!! She further said that ovulation typically resumes within 1-2 months of removal. WOOHOO!!!

So here is where I stand: I don't care about Strange Growth, it will go away on its own before next month. I am stoked I don't have to do birth control to suppress the endo. I am confident I will have a least one more, if not two more babies. I am feeling really dang good about things today. Finally!