"Well, Here Ya Are...."

It is almost midnight right now, and I have been so busy trying to catch up on ICLW blogs between this blog and my other one. Can I just say I am exhausted? At the same time I want to say, I LOVE ICLW. I love reading about everyone's different, yet similar stories. We're all here for the same reason, and I love that we are here for each other during such difficult circumstances.

Anyhow, I'm going to try to stay awake long enough to write this post now!

So the results on Baby Bean's ear infections are in. She is getting tubes. Poor bub. I dreaded her pediatrician recommending them until he told me that her ear infections could cause some hearing loss, which could delay speech. As she is heading into the primary speech development phase, he recommended I take her to a specialist. When he said that, I instantly changed my mind and wanted to demand tubes. He referred me to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor and told me not to waste any time getting her in. I booked her an appointment for Thursday afternoon, and it honestly felt like the day couldn't get here quick enough. All week long I've watched my daughter dig at her ears, and it kills me because I know she is in pain and there isn't much I can do aside from ty.lenol and mo.trin.

The ENT staff started her out with a hearing test, and it showed she does have a slight hearing loss. When the doctor checked her out, he said she still has a lot of fluid behind her ear drums. Because she is in daycare, she is more likely to get ear infections, and now that she has had RSV, she is even more prone to them. It is because of the RSV that the doctor recommended tubes. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and told him that was what I wanted to do. He wouldn't schedule the surgery for another couple of weeks because Baby Bean is still battling RSV, but we got her in as soon as we could. It still feels like it isn't soon enough, especially after she dug in her ear so badly last night she drew blood. I feel so bad for her.

On a more exciting note, my PM at work today gave me some great news. Every year we have to do our annual write-up basically reviewing how we felt we did the past year. I was very disappointed in mine this year and let my PM know as much. When he asked why, I told him it was because we didn't release any products, so I didn't get to do any major updates or releases.

Today he came over to my desk with a huge grin on his face and told me my huge carrot was on its way. I asked him if it meant I would get to go on-site to some of our projects, and he said yes. I asked if it meant I would get to go on installations, and he said yes. (I have been asking to do this since I started working there.) Then he said it would also involve long travel. I asked if he meant long travel by car or plane, he said plane. Business trips are in my near future. I realize now that long travel means lots of time away from home.

At first I was really excited, but just as quickly as it came, it faded because I realized instantly my baby wouldn't be going with me. I haven't been away from her since her conception! I liked the idea of travel until I remembered I am a mom now.

I still welcome the opportunity because I know it will open some doors for me, but more importantly, it will help me finally fill my potential at the company. I just wish it didn't mean I would have to spend time away from my baby girl. I guess I will just do what I always do, and that is take each day as it comes and be grateful for everything that I have in my life. :)

I apologize right now if this post was all over the place, as I'm sure it is. But as I stated at the beginning of this blog post, its late and I am beyond exhausted. Sorry to write such a fragmented post for ICLW. I'll try to write a better one tomorrow. For now, I'm going to bed!

Still Trying to Catch My Breath

Almost exactly one month ago, I wrote this blog post in which I told all of my blog readers that my husband and I were going through a difficult phase, and to please say a little prayer for us. The difficulty was not with our marriage. Rest assured, that is as strong as ever, if not more so. But I asked for the prayers in helping my sweetie find a job. I didn't want to come right out on the blog and say that, and I won't get into why other than to say it made me feel a little uncomfortable.

Hubs has been working and running his own business from home since 6 months into our relationship. Unfortunately, with the economy being the way it was, things slowed down considerably the last year. Needless to say, the need for full time employment became imminent.

Tuesday afternoon, Hubs dropped Baby Bean off at the office with me on his way to the fourth round of interviews with a company. Like any good infertile wouldn't, I didn't get my hopes up. I just didn't have feelings either way. I was tired of getting my hopes up that this interview would be the one only to find out later it wasn't. So I left work early, took Baby Bean home, laid her down for a nap, and took one myself.

Yesterday at around 4:00 in the afternoon, Hubs IMed me and asked if our neighbor might still be up for watching our daughter. I asked why. His reply was, "Duh." Okay, so either he is going on another interview somewhere, as had been commonplace of late, or he got the job. My next question was what day and time. Again, "Duh." I then asked if he got the job. "That would be the duh part."

I was elated! Finally! I knew God wouldn't let us down. I just didn't know when things would turn out. I turned around and told my teammates right away, and they were all very excited with me. I started to get lightheaded because it was such a relief. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I then found out he starts work on Monday, which inevitably sent me into a tailspin. We have two days to figure out childcare. I have two days to get everything together for Baby Bean to even go to childcare. Let us not forget the massive upset to everyone's schedules. As fast as the excitement had come on, panic took over in its place. So many things to address!

We are all very excited. This is a fantastic opportunity for Hubs, and it is a good thing for all of us all around, except for maybe the dogs who have never been home all alone during the day since we got either of them. We are going to check out daycare facilities tomorrow, and I will spend the rest of my weekend getting everything together for Monday. Oh yeah, and we'll be attempting round 2 of the 9-month photo shoot. Please let the weather and the baby cooperate!!!

What Then?

The past few weeks I have been watching the counter in my sidebar slowly count down the days until my IUD removal when we will once again be back in the TTC saddle. When I first put that little guy up there, I was excited. I couldn't wait for it to get to zero. Then the last few weeks I realized I could wait, and for couple of reasons.

The first and biggest being that once it gets to zero, it means my daughter is a year old. Just like my pregnancy with her, I relish each and every moment we have together because I know she won't be a baby forever. I sometimes struggle with the fact that she will grow up. I just want to savor these minutes and make them last forever. It will all go by too quickly, just as the past 8.5 months have.

The second reason is that while I thought I was all on board with TTC #2, I realize I am kind of scared. I don't think it really, honestly sunk in with me what that entailed until the last couple of weeks, and now I'm in a bit of a panic mode, willing that counter to take its time. I don't know that I am ready to get back in that saddle. The one that takes the intimacy out of my relationship with my husband. The one that has me biting my fingernails as I wait for results on OPKs and HPTs. The one that has my brain solely focused on it and barely anything else most of my waking hours. I don't want the last one to steal from my time with my daughter.

On top of the stress just brought on by TTC, I now have the added bonus of worrying about the pregnancy. I get the pleasure of praying that I won't miscarry because the embryo implanted in the same scar tissue my daughter did. Along with that, I get to worry about if it does, will its placenta make its way through my uterine lining and implant in my bodily organs, resulting in potential death to the fetus as well as me. I also face a small chance of an immediate hysterectomy, eliminating the possibility of more children. I won't even go into the other fears that one alone brings on.

Then there is the fear of premature birth. I have already been told I will not carry to full term again. My future children (God willing) will be born early via c-section because of my uterine rupture. I just worry that the birth will be too premature. I don't wish all of the potential complications that come with prematurity on my child. I realize that many babies are born early and end up being just fine. I know of one in real life who was born at 26 weeks and is the most perfect, on track little girl.

Sometimes when I tell people what we will be up against, they ask if I am serious about wanting more. Do I really want this? Yes. I really want this. There is no question in my mind. I want it even more now that I am a mother to a perfect little girl, because I feel like this is the whole reason behind my existence, to bring my children into the world and take care of them, love them, and nurture them, no matter the cost to me.

I guess I didn't have to seriously start thinking about these things the last few months because there was so much time between the birth of my daughter and the removal of the IUD, but that time is slowly passing. The closer I get, the more I really realize just what I am up against. It was easier to say it could happen than to realize it all really could happen.

These are the thoughts that have been constantly going through my head lately. I don't know why, but I feel like it will be time to really think about this once that counter goes below three months. I've tried to bench the thoughts, and have done well up until now. Even now I'm not majorly stressing, but they are definitely making their way to the forefront more as the counter goes down.

There are just so many unknowns and "what ifs". All I know is that this is absolutely, positively what I want.

The Infertility Scare Phenomenon

Since embarking on infertility treatments almost two years ago, I have come to notice what I like to call the infertility scare phenomenon. This is when you tell any other woman in the world that you are undergoing infertility treatments, and the woman you have told instantly begins to freak out internally and wonder if they can get pregnant, even if they already have childen. They go into a panic mode, and even if they didn't want children (or more children than they already have), they start trying to get pregnant ASAP, just to prove to themselves they can get pregnant. I am sure that all of you who have experienced infertility treatments know exactly what I'm talking about.

I can't count the number of times when I told a woman I was undergoing infertility treatments that I could see the panic set in within them that they might be in my shoes and should start baby dancing right away. I have known women who after talking to me seriously considered having their IUDs removed in an attempt to have one more baby (they usually already had a brood, and didn't want any more until they talked to me [no joke]). Its not so much that they really want a baby as much as it is they want to prove they aren't infertile. I have also known women who after talking to me tried to get pregnant for two or three months afterward and when they didn't get instantly pregnant actually scheduled appointments with infertility clinics, only to get pregnant shortly before the appointment time came (of course, I got phone calls when the appointment was scheduled, and again when it was cancelled due to pregnancy).

It is always amazing to me how telling my infertility story sets off alarms in other women's heads that makes them all of a sudden want to get pregnant. Women who didn't really want children before they talked to me suddenly realize they want babies and are scared that they could be the next one to have to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women while they are there to get their next prescription for chlomid. You can just hear the thoughts going through their heads, "Oh please God, don't let that be me! I don't want to be in the same shoes as her!"

Have any of you other ladies experienced this? Do any of you have any stories like this?

I'm not bitter at all about the fact that I am in my shoes. I always choose to take experiences like this and use them to find the positive. Our infertility road has been rocky, and it has yet to be easy; however, I have learned a LOT about myself and my body, it has strengthened my marriage and showed me just how much my sweetie loves me. It has shown me where not only my priorities lie, but my husband's as well. It has taught me to be happy with the things I have in my life and to not waste time thinking about the things I don't have but want. I have come to terms with the fact that we might never have children, and have developed a life plan for if we can't. I have made a mental list of the pros and cons of having children, and I have to say I am okay with either way. That being said, I felt like I had to at least try to have children outside of the conventional means, since I knew we probably wouldn't stand a chance if we didn't seek treatment. If I could go back two years and change anything, I wouldn't. I have learned too much from this experience to want things any other way. When I get to moments in my life like the one I'm in right now with the move and new job, I am glad I'm not pregnant, or this opportunity would not be mine. I always feel that everything happens for a reason, and that it all happens in its own time. Its up to me to learn from my experiences and to be patient when the outcome isn't what I want in that exact moment. Sometimes not getting what I want right away is a blessing in disguise.

I honestly feel that one day we will be parents. I also feel that it will happen in its own time, and that I just need to be patient right now and live the life I'm living.

If Only I Knew

One of my all time favotire quotes comes from my new favorite book, Wives and Daughters. It says exactly what I have been saying since I started the infertility process, "The future is hidden from us by infinite wisdom, Molly, or else I should like to know it; one would calculate one's behavior at the present time so much better if one only knew what events were to come."

Since embarking on this less than fun journey over a year and a half ago, I have said to Hubs many times that I just wish I knew what we were supposed to do to get a baby. I wish that I knew the future and what steps we would have to take for me to get pregnant. I wish I knew if we were just supposed to sit back, relax, and do nothing in the way of infertility, or if there was some treatment we were supposed to undergo that would do the trick. I wish I had known even a year ago what I know now because I would have done things so differently and not have to look back and feel like time and money were unnecessarily wasted. I just wish I knew the next step.

My dad has a friend who is a clairvoyant and who has become a family friend over the years. I understand that not everyone believes in psychic abilities, but anyone who has ever met this guy would not doubt his clairvoyant abilities. I called my dad the day after I underwent my first artificial insemination last August and told him I didn't think the procedure had worked, but that I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it. My dad then told me that he had been to lunch with R the week before. Not knowing this had anything to do with me and glad to be off the subject, I asked my dad how R was doing. He told me that he had asked R about me and what his thoughts were. (Keep in mind, R had no idea Hubs and I were undergoing infertility.) He told my dad that he could see that Hubs and I would have a hard time conceiving, and that it would be a long, hard road, but that eventually we would have at least one little girl. When my dad told me that, I began to cry and couldn't speak for a couple of minutes. This was the third person with these special abilities who told me I would have at least one girl.

I feel deep down that I will eventually have a baby and that I can't give up hope. I have to keep going and do what it takes to get my baby. Over and over I get an image of the back of my child as it sits on the floor, playing with its toys, and it turns to look at me and smiles. This image plays out in my head every time I want to quit trying. Then I just sit there and cry and think, "How can I give up after I've seen that?" Whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, I remind myself that I am supposed to have at least one little girl.

I just wish I knew right now when and how things will all work out. If it isn't going to happen for a long time, I want to know now so I can sit back and fully enjoy life without the worry in the meantime. I want to give my poor hormonal body a break from all its cares and then tell it when its time to get to work.

I wish I knew the future so I could better calculate my behavior at the present time.