If Only I Knew

One of my all time favotire quotes comes from my new favorite book, Wives and Daughters. It says exactly what I have been saying since I started the infertility process, "The future is hidden from us by infinite wisdom, Molly, or else I should like to know it; one would calculate one's behavior at the present time so much better if one only knew what events were to come."

Since embarking on this less than fun journey over a year and a half ago, I have said to Hubs many times that I just wish I knew what we were supposed to do to get a baby. I wish that I knew the future and what steps we would have to take for me to get pregnant. I wish I knew if we were just supposed to sit back, relax, and do nothing in the way of infertility, or if there was some treatment we were supposed to undergo that would do the trick. I wish I had known even a year ago what I know now because I would have done things so differently and not have to look back and feel like time and money were unnecessarily wasted. I just wish I knew the next step.

My dad has a friend who is a clairvoyant and who has become a family friend over the years. I understand that not everyone believes in psychic abilities, but anyone who has ever met this guy would not doubt his clairvoyant abilities. I called my dad the day after I underwent my first artificial insemination last August and told him I didn't think the procedure had worked, but that I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it. My dad then told me that he had been to lunch with R the week before. Not knowing this had anything to do with me and glad to be off the subject, I asked my dad how R was doing. He told me that he had asked R about me and what his thoughts were. (Keep in mind, R had no idea Hubs and I were undergoing infertility.) He told my dad that he could see that Hubs and I would have a hard time conceiving, and that it would be a long, hard road, but that eventually we would have at least one little girl. When my dad told me that, I began to cry and couldn't speak for a couple of minutes. This was the third person with these special abilities who told me I would have at least one girl.

I feel deep down that I will eventually have a baby and that I can't give up hope. I have to keep going and do what it takes to get my baby. Over and over I get an image of the back of my child as it sits on the floor, playing with its toys, and it turns to look at me and smiles. This image plays out in my head every time I want to quit trying. Then I just sit there and cry and think, "How can I give up after I've seen that?" Whenever I'm ready to throw in the towel, I remind myself that I am supposed to have at least one little girl.

I just wish I knew right now when and how things will all work out. If it isn't going to happen for a long time, I want to know now so I can sit back and fully enjoy life without the worry in the meantime. I want to give my poor hormonal body a break from all its cares and then tell it when its time to get to work.

I wish I knew the future so I could better calculate my behavior at the present time.