New Fear Complete with Anxiety

So my newest infertility fear is that I won't ovulate on my own this month. I am due to ovulate any day now, but my predictor kits keep coming back negative. I keep trying to remind myself that this is okay, and that I already knew I ovulate later in my cycle. I called my doctor's office this morning and ordered a progesterone test for Friday, by which point I should have ovulated, and which is also the day progesterone tests are usually performed.

Even though I know I usually ovulate later in my cycle, like around days 17-19, I am still apprehensive about getting a negative OPK tonight after work. I am just so afraid my tests will all come back negative between today and Friday, and I will be landed right back in that waiting room with all the pregnant 19- and 20-year-olds. The thought of it makes my eyes well up. I don't want to be the infertility patient among the expectant mothers again. I did that for over a year. I chose not to buy the t-shirt saying I had been there and done that. I just don't know if I could handle that again.

Even as I sit here, trying to tick away the hours until its time to go home, I feel like I have ants running through my blood veins every time I think about doing that stupid OPK. It feels like I'm taking a pregnancy test and hoping against hope it will be positive, when I know deep down that it won't. The pessimist in me says I won't ever see a positive anything, OPK, pregnancy test, nothing. The pessimist is screaming that I should just give up because it will never happen. Then the emotional side of me takes over and I just want to cry.

I try so hard to be strong, but its so hard when adversity is not only knocking on your door, but bopping your nose like a spoiled child. I don't know what I'll do if I find I don't ovulate on my own this month. I hadn't thought about it really before today. But now that I am thinking about it, I just want to cry. I just think about how extensive my surgery ended up being, and how my recovery time was more than doubled. I don't know how I will handle it if I find out it was all for nothing.

Its days like today I have to remind myself I am not alone, and that I have gotten through tough situations like this every month for a year and a half. I just need to keep thinking about Scotland and about all of the wonderful things life will still be even if we never have children. But for right now, it all just sucks.