Trust Your Intuition

Last week after my sonohystogram Hubs decided to take me to PF Ch.angs for lunch. He won't usually eat there because he thinks the food is too sweet, but that day he decided to treat his seriously happy wife to a special meal.

I enjoyed every single bite, and even delighted in a fortune cookie afterward. I was already on Cloud 9 with our recent news, but imagine how excited I was to get this as my fortune:


I immediately showed it to Hubs and asked if he thought it meant my intuition about us getting pregnant the first time we try was right. He smiled and said probably so.

I am excited and feel really good about things this time around, but I have to be honest and say I am going to be pretty upset if I don't get pregnant the first time we try. Now before you think about leaving me a mean comment that you know you won't leave, hear me out. For the last 12 months I have had to sit by, knowing full well when I was ovulating, and not try for a baby. To me, it was like 12 forced BFNs (for those not in The Know, that stands for Big Fat Negative pregnancy test). If you've been a friend of the blog for a while, you also know that I used OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) for many of those months just assure myself that I was in fact still ovulating and still fertile. It has been torture. There were quite a few months where I told Hubs to screw it (no pun intended) and knock me up anyway. He never would consent because he said it felt like he would be sentencing me to death. It has been ROUGH.

The only thing that helped get me through sometimes was the thought that I would get pregnant the first time we try, which is next month. So I clung to that hope each month and used it to get myself excited to let that cycle go by without being too upset. I never really let myself think about how I would feel if it didn't work because it was a thought I couldn't handle. Call it the silly, irrational infertile in me who is still suffering with PTSD from her first bought with infertility.

There have only been two people in this world that I have opened up to about the "what if it doesn't happen?" One of them was my husband, and it was last night. I just sat there and bawled. I hadn't really let it out before, so all of my fears came spilling out. I am just not ready to be back in the infertile fight. I can't let myself think about if it doesn't work the first time, how many months will it take? I can't bear to think about cycling and all of the TWWs (two week waits). I feel like I have already fought hard enough to get pregnant, I deserve to be so the first time we try.

Why all of a sudden did this torrent come out? Because I am going to ovulate in the next 36 hours (I have two OPKs on the back of my toilet so that I can chart the LH surge). This is going to be the last egg that is purposely wasted. Next month, that egg will have a shot, and that shot is about 32 days away (the ticker is off thanks to last month's cycle where I ovulated late and had a 14 LP instead of 12). I'm nervous, but I am so excited. I don't know if my intuition has been telling me it will happen the first time, or if it is wishful thinking on my part, but I have to go with the first because I don't choose to handle the latter right now.

Next month at this time, I will be trying to add another member to my family. Finally! After all these months of heartache, struggle, and setbacks. We will finally be back in the game for real. It feels different this time around. I am filled with hope and excitement. I choose to believe my feelings are my intuition. That's what every fibre of my being says, and I'm going with it.

BFF Plus Turkey Plus IVF Equals BFP

**UPDATED**

As some of you may recall, one of my best friends is in Turkey right now doing an IVF cycle. If you missed that post, you can read all about it here. Basically I found an article in Conceive magazine that talked about other places in the world to do IVF for less, in better circumstances, and with better success rates. One of those places was Istanbul, Turkey. For around $8k you get a full cycle, lodging, and transportation. All you have to pay for is airfare, meals, and souvenirs. They put you up in what I assume is like an extended stay hotel for 20 days, and you cycle while you are pretty much on vacation.

It turns out, Turkey has been very kind to my best friend. Last weekend they extracted 12 eggs, 8 of which made it through fertilization. Tomorrow is her embryo transfer, and it sounds like they will not only have some good candidates to put back in, but they will also have quite a few left over to put on ice. The best part about that last bit is the clinic she is at only charges $500-600 to freeze those babies for up to 5 years. Should she and her husband decide to do another cycle later, they will only have to go back for 5 days and at a fraction of the cost.

If you want my guess as to how things will go for her, I think she is coming home knocked up. The only question in my mind is, will there be two babies, or one? Both she and I felt really good about this cycle back when she started getting ready to book the trip. If there is one thing I've learned, a hunch like this is rarely wrong. It just felt and still feels so right.

Their whole time in Turkey they have had a liaison who has helped them through the cycle by delivering their meds in person and straight to their refrigerator, taking them to see the sights, and taking care of them overall. Over the past few weeks they have been able to explore Turkey and the Grand Bazaar, as well as temples, and other local attractions. They have absolutely loved every second of their experience there. This cycle has been so good to them, and I hope and pray it continues to be so.

While I am glad she has had this opportunity, and I know she is going to come home and get her BFP in the next two weeks, I am so excited to have her back here with me. I have missed her greatly, and she has not been far from my thoughts since she left.

S and A, I can't wait to get you guys home! Good luck tomorrow. I am totally praying for you, sending good vibes your way, crossing my fingers, braiding my hair, braiding the dog's hair, braiding the baby's hair, anything and everything I can to send you good luck. Love you guys!

**They transfered FOUR embies today. GADZOOKS!** (They still had four left over to freeze too.

The Train is Back on the Tracks

Just went to see Dr. D. The bleeding/spotting has stopped, and we are back on track! Everything is holding tight. He figures the bleeding was caused by the catheter from the sonohysto irritating the lining. He doesn't feel that we need to be concerned, and are good to go. Just over a month left! :D

Breathing and Praying

This morning when I got up, it wasn't to the bright red blood I had woken up to the last couple of days, which was a huge relief. However, I held my hope until my day had been underway for a few hours. Thankfully, by the end of the day I did nothing more than spot a little bit. I am breathing a little bit easier tonight, and hoping and praying this isn't going to be a setback. I am a little concerned though because I am still really tender at the repair sight. I pulled my knees up to put slipper socks on my feet before climbing onto the bed to blog, and it was uncomfortable. I just keep trying to tell myself that right now I am only 8+ weeks post-op, and that by the time we are ready to start trying for a baby, most of this discomfort will be gone. I mean, that's still 5 weeks from now, and look at how well I'm doing 8 weeks after the surgery. As Dr. D tells me, there is a reason they want me to wait at least 3 months.

But enough about me. Tonight one of my dearest blog friends needs some serious prayers. If there is anyone out there who has not yet met "Single Infertile Female" I highly recommend you do. This gal is tougher than nails and rock. She has severe endometriosis, is in her mid-20s, and is single. Her doctors told her that because of the seriousness of her endo she has to have a baby now or never, meaning she doesn't have time for Mr. Right to come along.

Ever since I met her, she was saving and scrimping to do IVF on her own with donor sperm. Two weeks ago she finally went through IVF and is waiting for her BFP. She is feeling really discouraged after yet another negative pregnancy test this morning and some spotting. Girls, if anyone needs our love and support right now, its her. Please go over and give her some words of encouragement, or at the very least, please keep her in your heart and prayers tonight and tomorrow. She is one of the most amazing women I've ever met on the blogs, and as I do with so many of you, I want her to be pregnant more than I want me to be pregnant, and that says a lot.

L, I'm thinking of you and praying for you tonight. You are very much in my heart. Sending you all my love.

I'm Not Convinced

I got a call back from Dr. D's nurse after she had had a chance to talk to him. She told me he wants to come in and be seen next Tuesday. The reason I wouldn't go in on Monday is because he works in a clinic that is about 45 minutes from my work that day, whereas on Tuesday he works at one that is only 15 minutes away. I asked her if I needed to be worried, especially where the blood is red and continues to be so. She said she didn't think so, as long as it isn't heavy and doesn't smell foul, which would be an indication of an infection. Before she hung up, she said Dr. D might call me later.

About an hour or so later, Dr. D did call me back. He said he wasn't too concerned, and that he thinks perhaps the catheter used to insert the saline irritated the uterine lining. I asked if he thought we would still be okay to start trying next month, or if this could be a set back. He said he felt sure we would be fine, and so I breathed a sigh of relief.

The way Hubs and I see it, Dr. D wasn't concerned enough about the bleeding to have me be seen today, or even on Monday, so everything must be okay. Right? I told myself that the bleeding would probably let up by the end of the day anyway, and that it will probably stop all together by Tuesday.

It hasn't let up. Its still coming, and its still bright red, which means it is still actively bleeding in there. On top of that, the area is tender. It's tender when I walk or move around, and it's tender to the touch. Bottom line, I'm not convinced everything is okay. It could be, but I have to be honest and say I'm a little bit worried that this is going to throw things off and force us to wait even longer before starting to try again.

There isn't one damn thing I can do about it though. Even worrying about it isn't going to help. All I can do is not stress until I can get in to see Dr. D on Tuesday, and then go from there. I just pray that everything is fine. Please God, let everything be fine. I am so tired of waiting. I've waited long enough.

Oh Crap

I think a new wrench might have just been thrown in our plans, but I am praying not. Ever since my sonohystogram on Thursday I have been spotting. At first I wasn't worried because it was light and brown, but as the days have gone on, it has gotten heavier and is now bright red. I have also had some tenderness at the sight of the repair.

I have just called the on-call nurse at the RE's office, and she is going to call the doctor later, as he is in a transfer now (praying those embies stick for you girl!), and then she will call me back. Admittedly, I am worried. I am afraid this means our wait might have just been prolonged, amongst other things.

I am trying not to worry too much, and am trying to tell myself everything is okay. I don't know what's going on, and I can't freak out until I have back from Dr. D and he tells me whether or not its going to be okay, although his nurse did say I will most likely need to come in on Monday.

Please keep us in your prayers that everything is okay. I will update as soon as I have talked to the doctor.

YES!

Today I had my sonohystogram. The one I've been waiting for since May 29th. The one where we find out if the surgery was a success. Do you all remember that one? I'm sure you do, and I am sure by the title of this post you can already tell how it went.

IT WENT AWESOMELY!!!

I was sitting in the waiting room by myself because Hubs was late, as usual. Dr. D appeared on the other side of the counter, looked up, saw me, and smiled really big. He asked if I was ready for today. I could tell he was just as excited to see how things were healing as I was. This is the exact same doctor that just a few months ago told me I shouldn't have any more children, and should consider surrogacy. Somehow I brought him around to my way of thinking. Perhaps it was the second opinion from the doctors at Mayo [which, by the way, happens to be the second best hospital in the country, with the second best OB practice in the country]), or perhaps it was the fact that I knew things would work out with the surgery and felt really positive about it. Maybe it was both, but I turned his bleak picture for us into a sunny, beautiful one full of hope and promise. He was just as happy I was there today as I was.

Dr. D was ready to get started before Hubs showed up, so he took me on back. While he was getting the room situated (pulling out the paper skirt and the puppy pad), he told me he checked his schedule last night before he left the office, and when he saw I was on it, he was excited and thought of me all night, hoping that I had healed well and would be right on track to start trying in August/September. That meant a lot to me.

I got all settled in my paper skirt, wondering if Hubs was going to get there before we were done or not. Any other day that would have annoyed the ever living snot out of me, but today I didn't care. His not being there was his loss. Dr. D and his nurse came in and started the procedure. He began with just a sono before doing the saline. The look on his face when he saw the repair was worth a million words. He then told me that from first glance, everything looked promising. I was giddy (well, giddier than when I woke up this morning)! Just before we got to the saline portion of the exam, Hubs finally showed up.

In went the saline, and up on the screen was my beautiful, repaired, and perfect uterus. Within 60 seconds, it was all over, and everyone in the room was elated. I had gone from a 3mm lining two months ago to a 15mm lining on CD9. That's 5 times as thick people! We were all so excited and happy!

Dr. D told me to call him as soon as I get my BFP, and that he will take care of the pregnancy for the first 8-10 weeks before he hands me over to my OB for the remainder. This may sound wrong, but I am kind of glad I'm in this situation because I am going to have so many sonograms during my pregnancy and will be closely monitored, and what infertile doesn't love a million sonos?! I'm going to get to see my baby at around 6 weeks gestation, as opposed to 8 or 12 weeks. I openly admit that I love that idea, and I know that if I hadn't had to go through all of this, I wouldn't have this opportunity. Like I said, there is always something good to come out of everything bad. In this case, the good far outweighs the bad.

When I left, I told Dr. D I would see him in two months. I let him know I would ovulate around September 1st, and I'd see him a couple week after that. Its a date!

I realized tonight that I have spent almost as much to become a mother to #2 as I did to #1. The laparoscopy cost just as much as this metroplasty, and I spent just as much on getting a second opinion (beacuse Mayo is out of network for me, so I ended up footing the entire bill on my own, along with airline tickets, hotel room, and car rental) as I did on treatments for over 12 months (because my insurance at the time helped cover my treatments - minus meds and our IUI). I just hope that I don't have to wait as long to get pregnant with #2 as I did with #1. I've done my time. I've jumped through all of the hoops. I've bent over and taken it like a big girl. Its time to get my prize. :)

As it stands right now, I only need one more visit from AF, and then I have a date with some OPKs and the sexiest man I know. :D

Divine Discontent

Okay, so most everybody knows that I was forced to take a year and a half off trying for our second baby. Well, technically its not a year and a half, as Hubs told me a couple of days ago he wouldn't have wanted to start trying for a baby 6 months after Baby Bean was born, even though I did. After all this time he has told me he would have wanted to wait at least a year before knocking me up again. So if you ask him, we've only had to wait 7 months longer than he would have liked, but 13 months longer than I would have liked.

Anyway, as I mentioned in my previous post I feel that this past year has been just as hard as, if not harder than my cycling days because I know when the best time to try to get knocked up is, but I can't do anything about it without there being some serious repercussions (i.e., uterine rupture, loss of baby, loss of life, etc.).

I am so seriously antsy to get pregnant again, and it is killing me. Its all I think about. To make my antsiness worse, everyone around me IRL is pregnant. My sister (with a surprise baby [and a blessing]), my best friend (another surprise baby), another best friend, another best friend's wife (yes, I have a lot of best friends), my husband's best friend's wife, and a couple of gals at work. Let us not forget all of my wonderful bloggy friends (I am so over the moon for every single one of you!). I am so flipping baby hungry my uterus literally clenches at the sight of pregnant women and babies. My womb just ACHES in anticipation. I just want to be part of the crowd.

I am so antsy, sometimes I just want to stand up and run in place, as if that will make the time go faster.

On the other hand, I am kind of glad I'm not pregnant yet. You see, anticipation is a beautiful thing to me. That whole looking forward to a moment is one of my addictions. I always have to have something to look forward to because it adds that bit of excitement I need to get through the days where I would rather poke my eye out with a stick.

Right now, I get to salivate over the thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I get to relish the idea of pulling out my What to Exp.ect book. I get to look forward to that first ultrasound where Hubs, Baby Bean, and I get to see a heartbeat. I get to anticipate an entire beautiful pregnancy. And let's face it, I am one happy pregnant chick. Hubs would keep me knocked up all of the time if he could.

Yet, it is hard that I can't even try right now. I'm going to ovulate in about 11 days, and I have to sit here and let my chance go by at getting pregnant in July. It is so hard that some days I am just discontent for no reason. I feel like I should be upset about something, like fighting the insurance company or an obnoxious coworker, but there isn't anything to be upset over other than the fact that everyone but me is pregnant.

At the same time, the blessings of having to wait have not been lost on me. I have been given that much more time to just enjoy being a family of three with two dogs. There are days where I am so happy with the way things are right now. And as silly as this may sound, I'm glad my baby won't be born at the same time as everyone else's because apparently there was an influx of baby girls born in my area at the same time as Baby Bean, so I can never find clothes or shoes in her size, and it is frustrating!

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This battle has far from bested me. In fact, I think I'm besting it. I can find a positive in every negative thing it throws my way. Six more weeks... six more weeks....

Where Are We?

Hello all! It has been a few months since I participated in ICLW. If you have been here before or are a friend of the blog, there are updates to our story below! If you have never been here before, you can get the Rea.ders Di.gest version our IF adventure from beginning to end in this post (I promise it isn't a horribly long post).

Currently I am 7+ weeks post-op in which I had a weakened spot removed from my uterus and had all endometriosis regrowth and any scar tissue associated with previous procedures ablated. I am now less than 6 short weeks away from TTC #2... once again. If you want to know why I say, "once again," visit the link above.

Now let's get into the new and nitty gritty.

I have a sonohystrogram scheduled for Thursday (CD9) where we will find out if my recent surgery was a success. The journey to #2 has been a long time coming, just as our journey to #1 was. Honestly though, I think the past year where we were forced to put TTC #2 on hold has been just as hard, if not harder, than cycling. Why? Because I know when I'm ovulating and I can't do a dang thing about it. It is so frustrating! I've been an infertile who isn't allowed to BD when she's ovulating! Hopefully July will be the last month we're not allowed to try though. I feel really good that everything is healing the way it should, and we are on track to start trying in September.

Feel free to take a look around the blog if you're new. Stay if you like, and make yourself comfortable.

Happy ICLW!

Murphy's Law

I don't know how I do it, but I always seem to know that things are going to happen before they do (or maybe I make them happen just by thinking about them... hmmmm...). Sometimes it is just freaky.

Last Friday at work I had to read through the updated employee handbook. It was mandatory. *yawn* As I was reading through, I came across all of the reasons an employee would need to be out for any period of time, excluding vacations. There was a section in there about jury duty. Silly me, I actually laughed as I thought to myself, "I have been a registered voter since I was 18 and never had to do jury duty at home the whole time I lived there. I have now been in Texas for 2.5 years. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I got jury duty here, but never did in the 10 years I was a registered voter at home?"

Guess what was in my mailbox when I got home that day?

I KID YOU NOT!

I have been summoned for jury duty next month. LOL!

The question now is do I tick the box that says yes, I want to be on a jury, or do I go in and tell them I am a member of the NRA who is all for the death penalty and I only like people with blonde hair and blue eyes? Okay, I'm totally kidding on the last one, but it is funny to think about going in and saying that to see how quickly they can thank me for my time and send me on my way.

Decisions, decisions....

She Never Slows Down

Sometimes the things I love best about people is the way they are different from me, and sometimes the things I dislike most about people is the way they are different from me. Take my husband for example, I love that he is frugal and a saver. I love how he doesn't do anything without researching it first, but this is also something about him that drives me nuts. When I want to buy a pair of shoes or shorts, I don't go to the store, look around, see something I like, and then go home to think it over for a few days... he does. It drives me nuts.

Shortly after Hubs and I were married, I realized he was a project starter, but not a finisher. Over the years I have gotten used to this fact. If you've been a friend of the blog the last couple of years, you will remember that when Hubs and I first moved into this house we tore out all of the baseboards, and to this day we still don't have any. Wait, I take that back. We do. They are in our garage sitting atop saw horses.

As all married couples do, sometimes Hubs and I talk about who does more around the house, and who is a finisher and who isn't. It always makes me laugh when he tries to win those arguments. I have yet to not finish one project I've started in this house. We won't count how many the love of my life has started and not finished. *giggle*

As I look back on today, it makes me laugh.

We got up this morning and visited one of the local farmer's markets so I could get some fresh, local produce. I had fully anticipated on starting my usual Saturday routine of cleaning the house (by myself, as always), but upon arriving home, but Hubs said he wanted to clean the garage. I told him to have fun, and then turned to Baby Bean and asked if she wanted to help mommy vacuum. Hubs said, "I didn't say I was going to clean out the garage, I said we should clean out the garage." First of all, the fact that he was willing to tackle this massive project for the first time since we've been here is a feat in and of itself. Second of all, the fact that he was willing to do it in this heat was gobsmacking. But whatever, let's clean the stupid thing out and maybe one day put a car in it. *gasp!*

Project Clean Up started around 10:30, and by around 1:00 the vast majority of garage contents were out on the front lawn and driveway, sorted into three piles: keep, give away, and trash.

Did I mention it was really hot here today? Well it was. Within minutes of being outside, I was dripping sweat down my chin and into my cleavage. My shirt was plastered to me all the way around my mid section. It was gross.

Once we had gotten the garage to that point and shop vac'ed it out, Hubs was ready for a break. Upon sitting down, I literally watched him shut down on me. He was so done. Nuh uh babe! I let him eat some chips and salsa we had bought at the farmer's market, and then I whipped his tail back outside, reminding him he started this gig, he now had to finish it. I think he hated me in that moment... and for every moment for the next hour or so as we moved the keep pile back into the garage. I made him stick with it until the job was done. Go me! Score 10 points. However, as soon as it was done, so was he. Awesome. I still had a whole house to clean and laundry and dishes to do... by myself.

We took a break to take showers and eat dinner, and then I continued to do the following while he sat on the couch watching TV:

• Did the dishes
• Cleaned the kitchen
• Vacuumed
• Did two loads of laundry
• Steam cleaned the floors in the dining room, entry way, library, and family room
• Mopped the kitchen floor and scrubbed the grout
• Cleaned the hick pool
• Sprayed the perimeter of the house with bug spray
• Sprayed the waterbugs in our shower
• Took out the trash and recycling

However, he did mow the front lawn (which is minuscule, especially compared to our backyard that is 10 times the size of the front yard [I mowed the back two days ago]) and took the stuff we didn't want to the donation location.

Guess who thinks he's the most tired tonight?

Its a good thing I love my man!

Only an Infertile

Only an infertile looks forward to AF by checking off days on a calendar.

Only an infertile knows what day she will ovulate two cycles down the road.

Only an infertile can be upset when she ovulates late and it throws off her cycle.

Only an infertile can be on tender hooks waiting for a sonohystrogram and a date with the oh-so-friendly dildo cam (sorry mom and dad).

Only an infertile can look back at the past year and know exactly which days she ovulated, and which days AF showed up.

Only an infertile looks forward to peeing on a stick as much as they do going home from work at the end of the day and hopes for a positive result (sorry again mom and dad).

Only an infertile writes a blog post about her uterus.

While infertility really sucks... BIG TIME... it helps to see the funny side of it. Sure I could let myself be eaten up by the fact that my uterus is defective and fights me at every turn, or I can make fun of it and throw jabs at it every chance I get.

Stupid scarred uterus thwarting my dreams of motherhood. Whatever, I'll show you! I will MAKE you make babies! Cause if you don't, I'll have you cut open... again. And don't you think I won't do it, cause we've already done this three times, so I dare you to call my bluff.

Scalpel!

I'm not sure if my uterus has been mocking me this past month by ovulating a day late and then having a 14-day LP when it only ever had a 12-day LP before, or if it is just feeling really sorry for itself since the surgery 6.5 weeks ago. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter. Needless to say, my normal 31-day cycle has become 34 days this month, pushing back when I can get my sonohystrogram done (which is scheduled for next Thursday!!!), and further pushing back when Hubs and I can try for #2 (read: my ticker is wrong now).

Infertility, I shake my fist at you!

My New Perspective

I could never have imagined the outpouring of comments that would flood my inbox on my Finding Joy post. Honestly, I was afraid I was going to get some nasty grams, but to my surprise, I didn't get one. Instead, I gained a new perspective on a level of pain I have never experienced. I am most ashamed to say, one of the women who put things into perspective for me was my own sister.

I have never experienced a loss, and I know I am so lucky, but people close to me have.

During my time blogging, I have read so many blogs where my blog friends lost their babies. All of them were early on, and some of them were more tragic than others. One blog friend that I absolutely ached for was Al, from Mission:Motherhood. After a miscarriage she got pregnant again, only to have it end up being an ectopic she was forced to terminate. As if that wasn't hard enough, it took forever for everything to work its way out of her system. I cannot tell you how much my heart ached for her. I tried to put myself in her shoes and would ask myself how I would handle that situation. The truth was, I couldn't answer the question. I just couldn't make my brain go there. I couldn't envision myself going through something so completely difficult, which made me ache for her even more.

Al, along with my sister and a few other wonderful ladies have put the inability to look a pregnant belly after a loss into perspective for me. Again, I am ashamed to say I had never thought of it quite from their perspective. If you haven't experienced a loss, maybe this will help you too.

My sister said it was hard for her to watch other women around her who were just as far along in their pregnancies as she was continue to swell as their babies continued to grow inside of them, while hers had been removed at 24 weeks gestation and died a few days later. As her due date loomed nearer, her heart and her arms ached for the one thing she should have had, and didn't. It was so hard for her to be around the women who gave birth when she should have, to see their live, cooing, pink babies, knowing hers was underground and not in her arms.

I cannot fathom the pain.

Al has had to watch blog friends who got pregnant around the same time as her progress in their pregnancies, all the while knowing she should be right there with them, but isn't. Being reminded that she had to end her baby's life to save her own. My heart is so heavy knowing how difficult it must be for her.

Of course women who have experienced loss are happy for other pregnant women, but the reality is that their pain is too close to the surface, and seeing these women reminds them of what they should have and don't. "I should have been X weeks along right now." "My baby should have been X months old." The thought crushes me, and humbles me. It makes me ache in a way I never knew was possible.

My Finding Joy post was never meant as a scolding, "You should always be happy for other people," but rather, "try to find the joy wherever you can" type of post. It was meant more to remind all of us that we are fighting the same fight, and that if we don't stand together, we are alone, because most of the fertile world has no idea what we are fighting against, and some of them think we should just get the hint that maybe we aren't supposed to have children in the first place. It was more to say, don't hate the woman who is 20 weeks pregnant because in 4 weeks, her baby could be born early and die a few days later. Don't rob her of her joy at 20 weeks.

To all of you women who have experienced a loss, I understand why seeing a pregnant woman is so hard for you. I can also understand why it would be hard for you to continue following pregnancy blogs. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way if I were in your shoes. In fact, I most likely would. The pain is there and it is very real and raw. The fact that you can say, "I should have been as pregnant as her," or "My baby should have been as old as hers," is beyond words painful.

I watched my sister go through such a painful loss, and for a year afterward she was a shell of her former self. But after she took her time to grieve and sort through her feelings, she picked herself back up and took away the good from a difficult situation. I watched her rise like a phoenix from the ashes. You know what? She was my inspiration. Had she not handled her situation the way she did, I am sure my own battle with infertility would have been different. I watched her strength in overcoming, and when it came to be my turn to be tested, I was ready because I had one of the most wonderful examples to help guide me.

All of our journeys are painful, and we all deal with our battles in a different way. As I said before, we are all strong. One of the greatest gifts God gave us as humans is the ability to pick ourselves up after a fall and move forward. We never forget the experience, but it is what we take away from it that matters.

Because of Me

Right now one of my best friends is in Istanbul, Turkey for her first round of IVF, and it is all because of me. Normally when you say things are your fault, its a bad thing, but this time it is a really good thing.

Back on February 19th when I was sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office waiting to be taken back for my sonohystogram to determine the extent of my uterine deformity, Hubs was thumbing through Conceive Magazine. Obviously I was a little stressed while trying to be optimistic, but needless to say, my head wasn't in TTC at that moment. As he looked through he would make little hints and jokes about the articles, "Oooh! We should try that!" I kept looking at him, trying not to let my annoyance show through as I replied, "We need to find out if we can even have any more first."

He came across an article that talked about doing IVF treatments in other parts of the world where the care and successes were better and higher, and cost a fraction of what they do here in the US. In that same article it talked about how the cost of a cycle in Turkey is around $8k and includes hotel accommodations, transportation, and the cost of the cycle. All you have to pay for is food and airline tickets. He was all over doing that if we ever had to do IVF (don't know why he'd think we'd have to), so we slipped the magazine into my purse and went back for our sono.

When I found out my best friend was considering IVF, I immediately told her about the magazine and offered it to her. She and her husband were so excited! They wasted no time getting their foot in the door. Within a month of making the initial phone calls, their trip was booked. For the next month and a half we would talk excitedly about her upcoming trip, and how we both feel really good about things. Before we knew it, it was July 10th and she was on a plane to Turkey.

I got an email from her today letting me know they had arrived and have their first appointment tomorrow. I replied and warned her husband that she may get a little moody, but that when she does, he is to tell himself, "Its not her fault, its the hormones."

While I am sad that a dear, close friend of mine is having to go through IVF to obtain the dream of motherhood, I am so glad that I have been able to be here for her as they went through each and every step. I was here for her the second they knew something was up. I am even more grateful that she let me be a part of this for her. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to be by her side, helping her through all of this, knowing it makes this journey easier on her. When she had a question about cycles, I had an answer. When she asked about medications, I could tell her what was what. There was never a doubt in her mind that I am right here by her side.

Before she left, I asked if I could blog about her. She said, "Absolutely! If my story can help just one other person, it helps make this all even more worth it." She wanted to get the word out that sometimes IVF at home isn't the best or most cost-effective path. She also told me I can blog about her as she cycles over the next few weeks, and report on her progress.

Please friends, take a moment to pray for my friend. Her journey is different from mine, but it is for the same reason. I pray that God blesses her and her husband with a child. They are two of the most wonderful people I have ever known. They are so full of love and compassion. Not to mention, they are adorable together.

Good luck S and A! I love you guys, and am praying for you so very much.

TGIF!

Dear Past Week,

You were rotten and mean. I have to admit, I am not one bit sad to see you go. I will not miss you as you disappear into oblivion. You were a monkey on my back, and we will never be friends. In fact, as I do with most things in my life that are unpleasant, I will stick you in the trash can of my mind and dispose of you, never to think of you again, and to completely forget you.

Good riddance!
Chelle

P.S. This bird's for you!



Dear Next Week,

I hope you and I can start our relationship out on the right foot. Can we please be friends and hold hands? I would really like that. You and I can do so many fun things together and create some really enjoyable and memorable moments.

I look forward to spending time with you,
Chelle

Finding Joy

I have been wanting and debating over writing this post for years now. The subject has been so much on my mind lately that I feel like I need to get it out. I mean, isn't that what blogs are for? Of course we all always want glowing comments from our loyal friends and readers, but every now and then a touchy subject is breached, and in those cases we risk offense at the cost of trying to share a little perspective. As most of you know, a lot of who I am centers around giving and receiving perspective. As I have said many times, nothing is black and white.

The purpose behind this post isn't to offend, but rather to help each of us find the joy in life, even if the joy centers around someone else. If I offend anyone, I apologize up front. Please know that is not my intent. Now let's dive into it, shall we?

Since I was diagnosed and labeled an infertile years ago, I was faced with the decision that all of us are: do we let infertility ruin our lives to the point that we become bitter, or do we take the lessons and the good from the experience? I chose the latter, and doing so meant that I revoked the right look at a pregnant woman and hate her or glare at her. Instead, I chose to look at pregnant women and smile while thinking of the blessing they had been given (this excludes women we all know shouldn't be able to reproduce).

One day I was walking my dog in the park back when I was doing cycles, and there was a pregnant woman with her child walking on the same path I was. I looked at her and thought to myself, "How can I hate her when I don't have any idea what she might have been through to get those kids. For all I know they are both IVF babies." I was taken aback by the thought, as I realized a friend of mine would have glared at the woman and hated her because she had what my friend wanted and couldn't have. How is that right?

There have been many times that I come across blogs where a fellow infertile has become pregnant, and they then post that they understand if some of their readership falls away because of their happy news. I am going to be honest and say that always makes me a little angry. I don't understand. Why when all of us are fighting the same fight can we not find the joy in our blog friend's success in getting out of the deep dark pit of despair? Look at it this way. If we were all taken captive and thrown in a pit, would we hate the person who got out simply because they got out and we didn't?

It seems to me that as infertiles we should be clinging to everything that is good and joyful in our lives, even if it happens to someone else. We shouldn't be hanging onto darkness and depression by our teeth and fingernails. "Men are that they might have joy." Sometimes finding our joy means being happy for others. I personally delight in the joy of others, even when I am in a dark place beacuse it reminds me that good things do happen and that someday soon, good things will happen to me again.

Life isn't about comparing ourselves to others. That is not where joy is found. Comparing our circumstances to others only brings sadness and anger. We have no idea what is going on in the other person's life. It isn't fair to judge without knowing what they have gone through. So you don't have everything you want in this life, and it seems like someone else does, but guess what? They have their own set of problems. They have their own life deficits. We simply cannot find joy hating others for having what we want and don't have.

Another thing that has been hard for me is to watch people compare their fight with those of others. "I cycled longer than she did, so my battle was harder. She has no room to complain." That's not true. If you are an infertile, your battle is hard from the get-go. Yes, the further you get into treatments the harder you become, but can you honestly tell me the first cycle you did that failed felt any better than the last one? Each cycle is hard, and it is hard for a different reason. Who cares if Betty only went through three cycles before success and I went through 12? Betty is an infertile. She deserves my love and support as well as my congratulatory feelings. I have no right to minimize her feelings or her fight. (I am not talking about women who label themselves as infertile because they tried for 3 months on their own, or the women who do one round of chlomid and get knocked up. I'm talking about us playing in the big leagues.)

I have had two sugeries now, and I did 12 months of medicated cycles, but to me my battle is not any harder than any of yours. It really isn't. I know that some of you think I am strong, but the fact of the matter is, all of you are too. The fact that you are pursuing treatment at all makes you every bit as strong as me, and you know that if you were in my shoes you would have done all the same things I did, and vice versa. Some of us have surgery, some of us do IVF, and some of us travel half way across the world for egg and embryo donations. We do what we have to do to achieve the desired result. We are all strong.

We are the 1 in 7, and as infertiles we should stick together and share in each other's success, not hate each other when one of us gets out of the pit. When the joy to be found in your life is rare, find joy in celebrating the joy of others.

Honestly

The votes are in (even if the stupid poll on my blog doesn't work)! I listened to all of my bloggy friends, as well as my IRL friends, as well as my gut, and I talked to Hubs, and so the decision has been made:

We will be trying for #2 starting at the end of August!

Wow. I am so excited! I seriously need to catch my breath. I really hope my body is ready by then. I feel really good that it will be, and I feel really good about our chances of getting pregnant in August/September. I just hope I don't get knocked off my horse again. I am praying that when I go in for my sonohystogram in a few weeks everything will look great, and Dr. D will give me a big, fat green light complete with high five.

I want to be honest for a second though. I am really excited and feel really positive about our chances for conception when we want them to happen, but a minute part of me is afraid Dr. D will tell me we have to wait longer. Call it PTSD left over from February if you want. Deep down I knew during the year leading up to February that something wasn't going to be right. I didn't know what it was, but I knew. I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound last October to see how everything was healing, but my overconfidence kicked me in the @$$ and told me I didn't need to. Had I gone in when I was supposed to, I would have had surgery last year.

One way I try to keep from beating myself up over not going in last October like I was supposed to is I tell myself it just wasn't the right time. The right egg wasn't going to be released then, and the right sperm wasn't even in existence. We had to wait because there is a specific baby that is meant to be with us, and his genetic code wasn't ready back then. Now I feel like the right egg is in line and will be making his appearance in 8-12 weeks. It makes me giddy to think the other half of his genetic code could be inside his daddy right now too. Weird, I know, but this is what infertility does to us. It makes us look at this whole reproductive thing in a completely different way.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support and positive energy. It really means a lot, and it helps buoy me up. It gives me that extra boost of confidence I need to help me reassure myself that my feelings are spot on.

I hope you all have a fantastic July 4th for those of you the in the US. Be safe and try not to start anyone's roof on fire!

New Hope

I almost titled this post, "Overconfidence - What Happens Before Life Knocks You Down a Peg." But the reason behind that title is hopefully nonexistent. The last three days I have had some serious mittelshmerz -- also known as ovulation pain. I never had it before I had Baby Bean, but I have definitely had it since. The last three days were probably the most uncomfortable mittelshmerz I've ever had. They almost made me feel menstrual.

The first day I had them I got all excited and couldn't wait to get home and take an OPK. It was negative. There was a faint line, but that was it. I told myself it was okay because if I recalled correctly, I usually got the worst of the pain the day before the big O. The next day the pain continued, and again I couldn't wait to get home and take an OPK. It was negative again. I told myself once again it was okay because not only had I not been holding my bladder for more than an hour, but I also really, really had to go, and so my LH was probably pretty diluted.

I tried to talk myself out of doing another OPK later that night because I was afraid I wouldn't get a positive one. I told myself the others could have been negative because I wasn't testing under the right circumstances, and that there was also the possibility that with the recent trauma of the surgery I just wouldn't ovulate this month. I tested anyway, and it came back a beautiful positive. "Yes!" I said to myself, "I am fertile!"

Last Thursday I went to Targae with Baby Bean just to hang out and pick up some of those new pretzel M&M.s, which are great by the way. While we were there we walked past the maternity section, and the first thought that went through my head complete with giddy feeling was, "I will be buying some of the clothes in this section soon!" It caught me totally off guard. I have NEVER walked past the maternity section without having that moment's hesitation where I add, "I hope" to the end of such a sentence.

I have to admit, it got me a little excited. But wait, what does "it" mean to me exactly? Let's walk through this for a bit. "It" means:

1. I get to try for a baby in 8 weeks (YES, EIGHT WEEKS!!!) without worrying it will cost me my life or my uterus.
2. I know everything with the old ute and ovaries is repaired, clean, and ready to go.
3. Most of the horrible things Dr. D told me could happen and were likely actually have a fraction, if not a fraction of a fraction of a percentage of occurring.
4. Dr. P (the high risk OB) told me the most likely outcome for my pregnancy would be a full term baby.
5. 99% of my fears have been quelled. Those same fears that just a year ago were eating away at me. The fears that have lived inside me for the last 17 months. They have gone with the wind.

Those are a lot of things that comprise "it" ladies! This is huge!

If I'm being completely honest here, I don't feel like an infertile anymore. I feel like all of that is behind me. The way the endo progressed (or really didn't) since my first lap is an indication to me that I will be able to get all of the children I desire without having to have another surgery to clean it out. During my last surgery Dr. D made sure there was a "good" relationship between my ovaries and fallopian tubes, and he thinks we will have no problem conceiving.

Now don't get me wrong, I am an infertile, and I always will be because that part of my life changed me so much. It is a big part of who I am. It made me appreciate so much more about life, and that is something I would never change. If I had to do it all again, I would. While the experience sucked big time, I grew so much. Not only that, but my marriage grew right along with me. I know I'm a better mother than I would have been. I am definitely more appreciative of the gift.

I just feel like going forward, infertility won't get in my way again. My biggest hurdle now is going to be staying pregnant, which I have already been told is the most likely scenario. I want to think all of this is behind me and in my past. I want to believe that my battle has been fought, the dragon has finally been slayed, and I can rest and be with my family now.

With all of that said, I want to ask you all a question. We can most likely start trying for a baby in September/October. Hubs really wants a May baby because his birth month is May. In order for that to happen, I would have to get knocked up in September. I should ovulate around August 30, and then not again until the end of September. If you were me, would you try for the last day of August, or wait until the end of September? Keep in mind, the longer we allow things to heal the better. But also keep in mind this journey to #2 has already been postponed long enough. So help me decide and cast your vote!