New Hope

I almost titled this post, "Overconfidence - What Happens Before Life Knocks You Down a Peg." But the reason behind that title is hopefully nonexistent. The last three days I have had some serious mittelshmerz -- also known as ovulation pain. I never had it before I had Baby Bean, but I have definitely had it since. The last three days were probably the most uncomfortable mittelshmerz I've ever had. They almost made me feel menstrual.

The first day I had them I got all excited and couldn't wait to get home and take an OPK. It was negative. There was a faint line, but that was it. I told myself it was okay because if I recalled correctly, I usually got the worst of the pain the day before the big O. The next day the pain continued, and again I couldn't wait to get home and take an OPK. It was negative again. I told myself once again it was okay because not only had I not been holding my bladder for more than an hour, but I also really, really had to go, and so my LH was probably pretty diluted.

I tried to talk myself out of doing another OPK later that night because I was afraid I wouldn't get a positive one. I told myself the others could have been negative because I wasn't testing under the right circumstances, and that there was also the possibility that with the recent trauma of the surgery I just wouldn't ovulate this month. I tested anyway, and it came back a beautiful positive. "Yes!" I said to myself, "I am fertile!"

Last Thursday I went to Targae with Baby Bean just to hang out and pick up some of those new pretzel M&M.s, which are great by the way. While we were there we walked past the maternity section, and the first thought that went through my head complete with giddy feeling was, "I will be buying some of the clothes in this section soon!" It caught me totally off guard. I have NEVER walked past the maternity section without having that moment's hesitation where I add, "I hope" to the end of such a sentence.

I have to admit, it got me a little excited. But wait, what does "it" mean to me exactly? Let's walk through this for a bit. "It" means:

1. I get to try for a baby in 8 weeks (YES, EIGHT WEEKS!!!) without worrying it will cost me my life or my uterus.
2. I know everything with the old ute and ovaries is repaired, clean, and ready to go.
3. Most of the horrible things Dr. D told me could happen and were likely actually have a fraction, if not a fraction of a fraction of a percentage of occurring.
4. Dr. P (the high risk OB) told me the most likely outcome for my pregnancy would be a full term baby.
5. 99% of my fears have been quelled. Those same fears that just a year ago were eating away at me. The fears that have lived inside me for the last 17 months. They have gone with the wind.

Those are a lot of things that comprise "it" ladies! This is huge!

If I'm being completely honest here, I don't feel like an infertile anymore. I feel like all of that is behind me. The way the endo progressed (or really didn't) since my first lap is an indication to me that I will be able to get all of the children I desire without having to have another surgery to clean it out. During my last surgery Dr. D made sure there was a "good" relationship between my ovaries and fallopian tubes, and he thinks we will have no problem conceiving.

Now don't get me wrong, I am an infertile, and I always will be because that part of my life changed me so much. It is a big part of who I am. It made me appreciate so much more about life, and that is something I would never change. If I had to do it all again, I would. While the experience sucked big time, I grew so much. Not only that, but my marriage grew right along with me. I know I'm a better mother than I would have been. I am definitely more appreciative of the gift.

I just feel like going forward, infertility won't get in my way again. My biggest hurdle now is going to be staying pregnant, which I have already been told is the most likely scenario. I want to think all of this is behind me and in my past. I want to believe that my battle has been fought, the dragon has finally been slayed, and I can rest and be with my family now.

With all of that said, I want to ask you all a question. We can most likely start trying for a baby in September/October. Hubs really wants a May baby because his birth month is May. In order for that to happen, I would have to get knocked up in September. I should ovulate around August 30, and then not again until the end of September. If you were me, would you try for the last day of August, or wait until the end of September? Keep in mind, the longer we allow things to heal the better. But also keep in mind this journey to #2 has already been postponed long enough. So help me decide and cast your vote!