Life Is Meant To Be Enjoyed

With fall finally arriving here in Texas, I have been even happier than normal. I love the fall, especially here because the summers are so brutally hot and relentless. They seem to last 7+ months out of the year. So when it cools off around here, you'd think it was my birthday every day.

As I drove into work this week, enjoying the reprieve from the summer heat, I began to think about how I really relish every day. Each day I am here is a gift. Each day comes with its own happy moments that are meant to be fully enjoyed. It is rare that I wish a day away, aside from wishing it is always 5:00 when I'm at work, but even then, I try to enjoy each moment. I don't like to wish my life away.

Sure I have days and weeks where I just can't muster up the strength to be happy because some days are just plain crap. But I always know that there will be some lesson to be had from them, and that at least tomorrow, I will be able to look back on them and be glad they are over. In other words, there is always good to come out of a bad day. It just might be the fact that the sun went down on it.

I wasn't always such a happy and optimistic person. In fact, I used to be the complete opposite. I used to be the girl who loved it when everyone knew I was mad or upset. Then somewhere along the way, I decided that attitude didn't suit me. I was tired of being a half empty girl and wanted to try living life on the other side of the glass. It didn't happen over night, and it wasn't a short road. At first it took a lot of conscious effort on my part. But now at the age of 31, I can look back on the past 8+ years of my life knowing that I lived each day to the fullest.

When I decided to be an optimistic girl, I also decided that I wanted to live my life without regrets. I didn't want to look back on my life anymore and wish that I had had a better attitude or outlook. I didn't want to look back and say that I wished I had done something different. I remember I started thinking that way when I was around 22 or 23.

Long before I started going through infertility, I decided it was important to learn from the bad things that happen in our lives. I even instituted that in my dating life. When relationships would fail, I would look back on all of the things that were good about it and what I learned from it. I was also the girl who tried to remain friends after a breakup by making the argument that we obviously liked each other enough to date, so why did that mean the connection couldn't remain friendly afterward? It was rare for me to end a relationship badly and to where it was awkward to see an ex afterward. At least for me. I can't speak for the guys.

Each day when I get up, I am grateful for another day. Another day with my husband, daughter, dogs, family, and friends. I am grateful for all of them. I cherish each second I spend with my husband and daughter in the morning. When I go to work, I am grateful that I have a job, that I work with such wonderful people, and that I do what I enjoy. I am excited to see my friends, and on my bad days, I know I at least have lunches with my best friends J and A to look forward to. Some days I think if that is all I have to look forward to, then I am a lucky gal because I have those relationships and the opportunity to be with my girls and enjoy them to the fullest.

Most of the time the only reason I wish it was 5:00 is because I just can't wait to go get my Baby Bean. She is the light of my life, and I love to hold her, be with her, see her smile, hear her giggle. I love to hear her talk. I love to watch her dance. I love to watch her suck her thumb while she holds on to her toys. I love everything about her.

When we get home, I can't wait for Hubs to get home so that we can all be together as a family until Baby Bean goes to bed, and then I love that it is mom and dad time. Nothing soothes my soul like snuggling into my husband's arms, smelling him, taking him in while we watch TV together. I could lay there forever. I love the relationship we have and how much we love each other.

Admittedly, there is more in each day that I could enjoy more or do more or be more. But I never beat myself up when I don't because I always give myself the grace to realize that I cannot do and be everything. I do the best I can, and that is all I can ask of myself.

A couple of years ago, the little brother of a friend of mine drowned. Like my friend, his brother had one of the most amazing outlooks on life. He was always positive and upbeat, no matter what happened. Life handed him some huge lemons, but he always made the best lemonade out of them and shared it with everyone. Before Craig passed, he kept a blog. There was one post that summed up his outlook on life, and it was so inspirational. I want to share with you one of my favorite things from that post.

"'Men are that they might have joy!' Life is good. Laughter heals. Life is funny. There are funny things that happen every day even in the worst of situations. Bad days make good stories. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. It's funny that laughter and tears come together so easily."

He was wise beyond his years, and I learned so much from him and his brother. They were part of my inspiration for becoming who I am today.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not simply gotten through. It is up to us to find the good things and make the most of the precious time we are given.

Interesting

I am definitely in an interesting place in my life right now with this whole TTC #2. Remember this post where I talked about the desire to try for #2 just wasn't as strong anymore? I said I had taken the pressure off of myself, and I was no longer going to get wrapped up in TTC, but rather that I would let things happen in their own time. Well, I'm still standing by that. It turns out, I am standing by it firmer than I thought.

Right now we are officially in a TWW. I definitely ovulated this month, and it was most likely Sunday, as I thought. I guess I just had a crap batch of OPKs. But my mind is in a really strange place around this whole TTC #2 deal.

The last couple of days, I started to really think about what having another baby in this house would mean. Its like I didn't think about that in depth when I wasn't allowed to try to have another baby, but now that we are, I am looking at it in a completely different light. Instead of fantasizing about how it would be, I am being more realistic about how things would change, and whether or not I'm really ready.

I realized that it was't as much that I wanted another baby as it is that I wanted to be pregnant again. My pregnancy with BB was heaven for the most part. Secretly, I enjoyed even the most miserable of symptoms because it meant my baby was still in there, going strong. I loved almost every single second of it. In fact, the day BB was born was hardest on me because I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I feel like I say this a lot, but don't get me wrong, I DO want more children. I want at least two more, God willing. I just don't know if I am ready for them right now. It has been so weird to be on this side of things. Now that the gate is open, my horse doesn't want to race to the finish line. It would rather trot happily along and take in the sights along the way.

As the time has gone on, I find that my desire to jump right back into TTC #2 has really ebbed. The only reason I want to keep trying every month is because I don't want to look back and be disappointed that we didn't take every opportunity to try to build our family, especially with my endo and PCOS. Because above all, I don't want to have any more surgeries or go through any more treatments. The only way to make that more likely than not, it to seize the moment each month.

Being able to take the pressure off of myself has been so relieving. It has allowed me to enjoy my little family even more than I thought possible. I am afraid that getting pregnant again is going to take the attention off of Baby Bean, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet. Our relationship is strong, and I don't want that to change. She distanced herself from me after my surgery in May because I couldn't hold her for weeks, and that was really hard for me to handle. I don't want her to do that again.

With all of that said, if God decides it is time for us to add to our family, I will accept that with an open heart just as much as I have accepted the way I feel right now. We will be excited, and we will look forward to our new addition every bit as much as we did Baby Bean. In some ways, even more, because the new baby has a big sister, and I can't wait to go through a pregnancy where Baby Bean gets to see the sonograms of her sibling and help me pick out baby gear.

Anyway, I just needed to write that out because this whole thing has taken an interesting turn, and I am trying to sort through all of it. As I said before, its like I am in a new self re-definition phase, and I need to figure out who and where I am without being an infertile. It has been interesting and eye opening, to say the least.

Randomness

FALL
Finally! Fall is falling in Texas! Today is the first day this fall that is under 85 degrees. The average the last couple weeks has been around 88-95. If you ask me, that is NOT fall weather, but two days ago a wonderful fall rain storm blew in from the north, and right now it is a perfect, beautiful 70 degrees complete with breeze.

My house is currently getting a much needed airing. All of the windows are open and breezes are blowing all of the inside air out, and some of the outside air in. It's GLORIOUS!

BABY BEAN
Yesterday I was washing all of the windows in our kitchen and family room area, while Chi.cken Run was playing in the background. Baby Bean was contentedly playing in the family room, every now and then turning to watch the movie.

While I was washing, I heard a very strange sound that sounded like a sheet of tin being bent back and forth (you know, with that "wooshing" sound). I thought it was odd and kept turning to look at the movie because it was the only place the sound could be coming from (or so I thought), but not only did I not remember that sound in the movie, it also didn't fit the scene. I did this a few times over the next 5 minutes or so.

Finally I looked over in BB's direction to find her drawing an art picture all over the couch cushions.

Oh yeah, look at the guilty look on that face! I couldn't resist getting a picture of her with her artwork all over the furniture.

Luckily, it all came up pretty easily with a little elbow grease. Sadly, our couches look cleaner now than they do after I hit them with a steam cleaner.

BANDWAGON
I have been avoiding getting sucked into a phenomenon that started a few years ago. I refused. I balked. I said, "Never!" I have had many, many friends telling me I needed to, and I always told them, "NO WAY!"

I had been budged a little last year when one of my BFFs was trying to convince me to jump on the bandwagon. She had told me she was going to get it for me for Christmas, but she didn't, and I didn't push it. I wasn't going to go buy it on my own, so I was able to resist a little longer. Then, S.I.F blogged about it. The more I read her post the more I was opening to the idea. By the time I finished reading her post, I had resolved to go buy it.

Want to know what it was?

Look to the right.

Dab-nabbit! That's right. I'm reading Twi.light.

I bought it yesterday after we went to dinner near a B&N. We were right there, so I figured I might as well go buy the book. I wouldn't tell Hubs what I wanted until we found it because I knew he was going to tease the daylights out of me.

I wasn't disappointed.

I got teased.

He told me to be sure to tell him whether I am on team Edward or team Jacob so he knows what t-shirt to buy me for Christmas.

Thanks babe.

OTHER READS
As you can see from the picture above, I am also reading The Happ.iest Toddl.er on the Blo.ck. I have to say, it was worth the purchase and read. We haven't had a melt down since I read the book, and it is amazing. I highly recommend it.

TWW
As of today, we are officially in another TWW. Ovulation came early again this month. I think I got my positive OPK last night, as my LH surge dropped off steadily throughout the day today. I say "think" because none of the tests seemed to be as dark as the control line.

Hubs reassured me today when I told him I might have had an annovulatory cycle by telling me that I could have had a bad batch of tests, especially where I bought the 20 pack, and it says something along the lines of "remove a test and reseal the package as quickly as possible." I think there might have been a night where I didn't properly reseal the package.

Looking at the tests above, I'd have to say it looks like CD16 is my best bet, and I think I felt an egg release today in a rather painful moment where I had a shooting pain in my right ovary that took my breath away, so despite not having an "as dark as line" I'm pretty sure I ovulated.

As promised, I haven't done anything to conceive short of using OPKs and BDing. I also haven't been stressing. We do our thing and either it works or it doesn't. If it doesn't, oh well. We'll try again next month. No stress. Not a big deal.

If it does work, well then I'll be giddy as a school girl and happy as a blue jay.

NAP TIME
Where I'm headed right now to enjoy this cool, fall breeze.

Oh My Goodness

A post on Baby Bean is long overdue, so without further ado, I present you with her latest and greatest accomplishments!


Baby Bean:

• Talks up a storm. She has quite the vocabulary and the comprehension to go along with it. Her teacher at daycare has been amazed with how much my daughter talks and says. She told me that none of the other children in her class say as many words or comprehend as many. I know she isn't just blowing smoke up my ass either. I've been around the other kids in the class, and they don't talk as much as my daughter.
• Yesterday BB pilfered a stuffed cat from daycare (her pilfering stuffed animals is common -- we always take them back eventually) and carried it around all night long. This morning when Hubs and I went to get her up for the day she said, "Kitty." I turned to see if the stuffed cat was on the floor, but it wasn't, so I told her I didn't see the kitty. She then said, "Shirt." I had left a laundry basket full of clean clothes on the floor next to her dresser and the shirt on top had a kitty sewn on it. Hubs and I immediately praised her for putting the two together so we knew exactly what she wanted, and she repeated, "Kitty shirt."
• My child has the best manners. I took her to get her pictures taken over the weekend with my sister and her daughters. While we were looking through the proofs, the photographer's assistant handed BB a toy, to which BB said, "Thank you." My oldest niece made a comment to the assistant about how my daughter is only 1.5 years old, and the assistant said he had just been thinking about how he was surprised such a young child had such good manners already. He had never been thanked by a toddler for a toy before. She does say please, thank you, and your welcome, and she does it all on her own, without prompting.
• She gives kisses, and not the slobbery open-mouthed kisses toddlers usually give. She actually puckers her lips and gives you a smacking kiss whenever you ask her for one.
• She loves to dance, whether it is to music on the radio or TV, or mom belting out a tune. The other day I knew she learned a new song at daycare because she sang it on the way home that night, and I recognized it as a song from my youth. She was singing about eating bananas.
• She loves to say hello to everyone we pass whether it is on the street, in the store, or on a walk. Sometimes it catches people off guard that such a small girl is telling them hello, and they laugh before telling her hello back. I love seeing the surprised look on their faces.
  

This past weekend:

• BB learned how to scale the baby gate when we lay it on the stairs and tighten it down between the two sides to prevent her from going upstairs. Hubs and I can usually step over it without taking it down. I guess BB had seen us doing it enough, she figured out how to just crawl up the dang thing. No more keeping her downstairs!
• BB began to try to get out of her crib. Hubs went in to get her up one morning and found her with one leg over the rail while trying to pull herself up. Luckily, we had one more lower setting on the crib, which should buy us a few more months. None of us are ready for her to be in a toddler bed yet. None of us.

My little baby is growing up so fast. Not only is she a tad ahead of her classmates in the vocab department, she is also taller and a little chunkier. She is definitely independent and packs quite the personality. She is definitely my girl in the personality department, and her daddy's girl in the brains department. God knows we sure do love our little Baby Bean.

What Happened?

One of the things my daughter says multiple times in any given day is, "What happened?" as she shrugs her shoulders and lifts her hands in the air, palms up. It is one of the absolute cutest things ever.

Today, I find myself asking that question when it comes to being back at trying for another baby.

Since I discovered almost two weeks ago that I wasn't pregnant, something inside my head was flipped like a switch. This thing that my life has revolved around for almost 4 years all of a sudden became not so important. The burning desire was snuffed. At first I thought it wouldn't last long. That maybe I only felt that way because I was disappointed. But as the days have gone on, I have found that this is more of a permanent thing. It has been surprising, to say the least.

I have gone through so many thought processes around it since that day, and what I have come to determine is this:

• I already fought that battle once before, and I don't need to do it again. I let it take over my life. I ate, slept, dreamed, and did everything around getting pregnant. It was all I wanted. It was rough, yet it was one of the best things that happened to me because of who I became as a result of it. I became tougher and softer at the same time. I gained compassion and understanding. I became more loving. I took away everything positive from that experience that I could. I am most certainly a better person because of it.
• I have the most beautiful, perfect little girl I could ever ask for. She is my life, my world, my everything. I look at her and all I feel is happiness and contentment. She is my reward for my struggles, and she is worth every single second of pain. But because I have her, having another baby just isn't as important as it was when I was struggling to have one. If she is all I ever have, my life is complete. I am okay with that.
• Back in May of 2008 when I gave up, I truly decided to give up. I had gotten to a point in my life where I was happy with the way things were. I was tired of the struggle and the hurt. I was coming to terms with living child-free, and with my life being my husband and my dog (soon to be two dogs). We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and we didn't have to care about anything other than ourselves. Well, I feel that way about our family of five now. We have adjusted to life with a toddler and can get around very easily with just the five of us. As I said earlier, I am content. I am honest to God content.
• I am retiring my "Infertile" label. I don't want to own or wear it anymore. It isn't something that suits my life now. I feel like I have graduated from it. That being said, I don't want to stop being a part of this community because I have come to care for many of you so very much, and I am not willing to give up supporting others who are struggling. I have been there and walked that path, and if my struggles can help someone else make it through a cycle, I am here for her. I didn't go through what I did only to serve myself. I have so much caring and compassion to share.
• My life no longer revolves around getting pregnant, but on focusing on the family I have been blessed with. Again, that being said, I also feel like I will still need to do my part to build my family, which means keeping track of my cycle and trying at the appropriate times. I'm just not going to let it rule my days anymore. My fear in not being proactive is that a year or so down the road, I will look back and kick myself for not trying, because maybe my endo will come back to the point I need another surgery or maybe my PCOS will be out of control. So I feel like I need to keep being proactive now, despite my contentment, because the good Lord knows I would love to welcome another baby into this family. Its just that now I am going to let it happen in His time. I don't doubt we'll have another baby. I know we will. It is just a matter of when the time is right.

It feels so good to free myself of the infertile bonds. To truly let it go, yet it is strange. I almost feel like I am going through a self-redefinition. What am I without my label? I am happy. I am content. I am a mother and a wife. I am fulfilled.

The Quiet

There is an almost eerie silence that comes over a house after company leaves for the last time. The silence that falls seems out of the ordinary. The previously boisterous voices are now silent, and all that can be heard is the swoosh of the water in the washing machine and the gentle blow of the air conditioner as the curtains gently sway in its breeze.

The kitchen is in disarray with dirty dishes and food, reminiscent of the fun that has just been had. It will be a few hours before it is attended to, and even then, it will be with a slightly heavy heart, for once the mess is gone, so is the day. It fades into a memory, never to be lived again.

The dogs need bathing. The lawn needs mowing. The laundry needs washing. The floors need vacuuming. But it can all wait. It is time to sit back and relax for a moment. Time to relive the memories and the fun times that were just had, to savor them like a fine wine.

It isn't time for things to return to normal day-to-day life. No yet. That can wait a few more hours. For once it resumes, it will be a long time before it is up-heaved with good company and delightful times again. It could be months.

It is always sad when company leaves, yet there is a sigh of relief that is breathed in the moments after the last goodbye has been said. The heart won't be heavy for long because the brain is ever on the lookout for the next exciting event. Life is all about living in the moment and looking forward to making good memories of the moments to come. There is always something to look forward to.

For now, the house will sit in near silence, as the occupants within take a moment to catch their breath before life moves back into its normal routine.

The fun has been had, the money has been spent, and now its time to go home.

Fun Not Being Knocked Up

Over the past few days, I have actually been kind of glad this last cycle failed. First of all, I was okay with it because my brother is in town, and because I'm not pregnant, I was able to go to 6 Fl.ags this past weekend for the first time ever and ride the rides. It was also Baby Bean's first time to an amusement park. Sadly, I don't think either of us were that thrilled. Don't get me wrong, I am a total roller-coaster-riding-girl, but this past weekend, I was just wiped from the days leading up to Saturday. I had invested so much energy into hoping for a BFP, I had to invest half as much energy again into being disappointed and getting over it. Add to that, AF was in full mood swing.

I'm not sure whether Baby Bean was hot and tired, or if the park was just over stimulation overload because pretty much all she did all day was lay back in her stroller and look around. She hardly wanted to get out, save once. I took her on a couple of easy rides, and I think they made us both sick. I don't think she really cared for the rides at all. Not only that, but I could barely get her to eat anything all day. She drank plenty because she so rarely gets sugary drinks, and that day she got some of mom and dad's lemonade. That child can put down lemonade like it's no one's business, and as it was hot that day, my first priority was making sure she was hydrated.

That night as I was giving her a bath, I was thinking about the fact that I am glad I'm not pregnant right now. I enjoy life with just the three of us more than I realized. It's like now that I can have that one thing I thought I wanted so badly the last 19 months, I just don't care anymore.

Since Thursday, I have spent so much time bonding more with my daughter, appreciating her more than ever (I know, I didn't know it was possible either), being with her, and soaking her in. I also realized that this time around won't be as hard as last time, because I have my daughter already. I don't care if I don't get pregnant again because I have my gorgeous little baby girl. Do I want to have more children? Of course I do! But if I can't, or if I don't get pregnant in the next 6 months, I am okay with that because at least I have her. Every time a cycle fails, I'm not going to care, because she is here with me and that is all that matters. I am just so thankful for the child I already have. Each month I am not pregnant is another month that I can focus every part of me on her.

I hope that we are able to have a couple more children before my body decides it won't be forced into pregnancy anymore, but I am done pushing it the way I did to get my daughter. At this point, if it happens, it happens. I am done stressing myself out over it, and throwing my whole heart, mind, and body into it. I've already done that once, and I don't need that pain back in my life. I would rather enjoy my baby's toddler years while they are here than spend them worrying about getting pregnant again. It will happen when the time is right, and until then, life is perfect the way it is because I have my little sunshine.

It's Okay, and So Am I

If there is one thing I love about myself, it is that I am a fighter. I don't let anything get me down for long. I take my time to work through the feelings with an eye toward getting back on my feet as soon as possible. This last disappointment was no exception.

Tuesday through Thursday were just a total beat down. I dragged @$ everywhere I went because I was constantly waiting for the one thing I feared: AF. I didn't dare get my hopes up, yet I dared to hope a little. I hadn't mapped out how I would feel if this cycle didn't work because I didn't want to face the possibility that it might not, and that was my first mistake. I knew that going in though, but I thought if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen. Stupid, naive me.

For the past 7 months, I have built up this excitement and promised myself it would work the first time right out of the gate, and I didn't have a caveat for what if it didn't. So when it didn't work out, all I had left was some major heartache and a HUGE letdown. So when AF finally reared on Thursday (which means I know exactly what day ovulation occurred after my positive OPK), I stayed strong for as long as I could, and as soon as I was alone, I let it all out. I had a good cry, and I said my piece to my husband and the universe. I ended up going home from work early because I needed to sort through things and get myself back on track.

Sadly, I found out AF was here just before taking my brother (who is here for a week) to lunch, so I was a major downer. As I tried not to cry while I ate my chips and salsa, I used him as a therapist. "It's not so bad. There are way worse things in the world. This isn't a big deal, so why am I so upset? It will be fine. It just wasn't our time, and that's okay."

On my drive home from work I thought about the fact that my body really isn't ready for a pregnancy yet anyway. I haven't told anyone this yet, not even my husband, but I still hurt from my surgery. I can still feel where the repair is because it's tender to the touch. That tells me it is a good thing this cycle didn't work. I think my body knew that too. But really, God knew it better than me.

Some time around 9:00 that night, the fog lifted, and I snapped out of my pity party. It was literally like someone flipped a switch. All of a sudden I was not only fine, I was great! I was ready to get back in the game and try, try again. I got excited as I told myself I was going to shell out for a box of 20 OPKs this time around. I mapped out our next battle plan, which this time only includes OPKs and lube. No evening primrose oil, no cough syrup, no pineapple. Just my body doing it's thing to tell me IT'S ready to make a baby.

If it doesn't work out this next cycle, we'll try again, and we'll keep on trying until we have success. I no longer have a plan because as we all know, it isn't in our time, it's in God's time, and He knows when the right egg will be ready, and it will happen exactly when it is supposed to. The only thing I will do differently in the coming months is to not tie my hopes to an unreachable star. I'm not going to torture myself during the TWW. Either I'm pregnant, or I'm not. There is nothing I can do about it. It's all in God's hands.

I learned from this last cycle that I really, really stink at math. Apparently I had the date of my LMP during my pregnancy with my daughter wrong. I was 3 days off. I didn't figure that out until a couple of days ago when the number of days from a positive OPK to a positive pregnancy test weren't adding up. I discovered it took TEN days for me to experience pregnancy symptoms with her, not seven. Let us not forget my mix-up from this cycle. And I also didn't take into consideration that I could have ovulated two days (36 hours) after my positive OPK (which I did), which put AF's visit out yet another day.

The important thing is that I have my naive ignorance behind me, and I am ready to take on the baby making world once again. I am armed and ready for battle!

5 Years Ago Today

5 Years ago today, my life became the best it had ever been. I married the love of my life, my sweetheart, my rock, and my strength.

You made my life wonderful, and complete in the way I always dreamed was possible. You made me your wife, and the mother to our daughter. I cannot imagine this world without you, because without you, this world is no place for me.

I Carry Your Heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~ E.E. Cummings

I will love you always

Welcome Back. Now Go Away!

***Mom, there is swearing in this post - be forewarned***

Where do I even start? Today has been a total roller coaster ride that sucked the way so little in this world can suck. I thought it ended on a high, but no, it slammed me through the ground as it laughed and told me I get to repeat today, tomorrow.

Right now, my inner infertile is no longer inner. She is out in the wide open, laughing her ass off at me. Rolling on the floor while she points and laughs.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I forgot how much it hurts.

Somehow in my dreamy state the week after ovulation I miscalculated the days until AF was due. I thought she was due tomorrow. So for the past 10 days, which I thought had been 11, I was living for today when the first signs of AF should appear if she was going to rear.

Today was B-R-U-T-A-L.

I seriously went to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes to check for spotting. A couple of times I was shaking, I was so nervous. If she was going to knock down my door, she was going to start with the battering ram today. All day I told myself that if I made it to 3:00 with no spotting, I was in the clear. 3:00 rolled around, no spotting. 3:25, no spotting. 4:00, no spotting, 5:00 no spotting.

Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant!

I was so high. I couldn't believe it. I sat in those glorious moments, relishing every second and thinking, "It feels so awesome to be here right now, knowing that I am most likely pregnant!" All of those "symptoms" I had over the last few days WERE pregnancy symptoms after all.

Or so I thought.

Then tonight, I had a thought that maybe I should check my cycle calendar and make sure AF really is due tomorrow (remember this cycle was thrown off when I ovulated 4 days early). I pulled out my phone and started doing the math. I found out right away I was off by a day. AF isn't due tomorrow, she is due on Thursday.

What?! No! No! I can't do today again tomorrow! I just can't! Today was agony and it drained me. The thought of doing it again is unfathomable.

My infertile came out then. I thought that I could maintain a positive attitude if things didn't work out this month, but I was wrong. All of those years of infertility treatments came flooding back with all of their pain and anguish. I have been through so very much, and now I have to fight again. I have to constantly fight, but I am so tired, and I'm weary. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be on the front lines anymore. For once I want pregnancy to come easily for me. Haven't I been through enough already?

I am angry. I am hurt. I am disappointed.

I had to know right away whether I was or not, so I marched upstairs and took a FRER (Firs.t Re.sponse E.arly R.esult). Who gives a rat's ass if it isn't FMU? Either I am or I'm not. If it doesn't show up now, I'm not.

BFN

Of course. The white staring back at me next to the pink line hugged my infertile as they danced around me and laughed in my face. My infertile kept telling me that this past cycle was so awesome. I was totally fertile, I ovulated early, I did everything right, but it didn't work, so what does that say about me? If I couldn't get knocked up on a cycle like that, what chance do I have? I swear the bitch wrote it on a sign she held up above her head as she danced around. "Neener neener!"

I can't even describe how much I hurt tonight. There are just no words. I haven't been here in so long, and I always prayed I wouldn't be back here, but I am. I was here in February of this year, and now I'm back here again.

I want time to stand still so that I don't have to move past this moment and deal with the hurt in the hours before what will probably be a restless night. I don't want to wake up and deal with the pain all day at work tomorrow as I wait for that first sign of AF's battering ram. I know she's coming. She is the dog poop icing on the dog shit cake.

Right now I am bitter. I am in so much pain, and I am having some serious post traumatic disorder going on. And you know what? I am going to let this freight train bowl me over and drag me down the tracks because that is the only way I can get through this. I have to let it run its course or I will never move on. If I can't move on, I'll end up just tucking it away inside somewhere so it can fester and rot, just like I did two years ago. Then one day it will come back and blow up in my face, just like it is right now.

I'm going to take my time with this, and when I'm ready, I'm going to pick up the pieces, and I am going to excitedly move forward with my next cycle. We'll try again, and if it doesn't work next cycle, we'll try again, and again, and again until it does. There isn't anything I can do about this cycle except wait for the inevitable.

This sucks, and I hate it. I'm not going to let this run my life again.

To my infertile, laugh while you can because you are NOT welcome here. Once I regain my strength from today, you and I are having it out, and I'm going to kick your ass to the curb once and for all.

Yesterday, I Cried

My jury is still completely out on this pregnancy thing. I still don't have any symptoms that can't be explained by something else. If I am pregnant, this is definitely NOT like last time. There is no flash of lightening or clap of thunder to say, "Chelle, You ARE Pregnant!" Nope, nothing of the sort. In fact, I can't convince myself one way or another that I am or I'm not. All I know is that my allergies are kicking my butt, but something deep down inside me won't let me take anything to alleviate them, no matter how much I sneeze, how much my nose runs, how much post nasal drip I swallow, or how raw my nose is from being blown every 2 seconds.

Yesterday afternoon I took a delicious nap while Hubs was outside breaking his butt landscaping our backyard on his own because if I am pregnant, we don't want want me to be lifting heavy things or doing back breaking manual labor. I helped where we felt comfortable, and then spent the rest of the day cleaning up inside or cooking. When I woke up from my nap, I felt really down, as seems to be the case lately. I was just so sad. I really didn't want to wake up, but it was nearing 4:00. I went downstairs where Hubs was in the kitchen taking a break, and I started to cry. I told him I didn't think I was pregnant. He is such a wonderful husband and told me that there is no way I can know yet. That just because I don't have my thunder clap this time, it doesn't mean a thing. Every pregnancy is different. He told me to stop thinking about it until I can test because I am just driving myself crazy waiting for the big symptoms. He then put me to work in the back yard raking gravel. lol I love that man.

Of course by the time I had fully woken up and gotten my blood flowing, I felt fine. I neither thought I was nor thought I wasn't pregnant. The overall thought in my head was, "Wait until Tuesday to take a test, and then we'll go from there." Either way, its going to be the way it is supposed to be, and it will be good.

I might break down and test tomorrow morning though. We'll see. I don't feel like I have to test or I'll die, but I'm not completely opposed to the thought either. I guess I'll decide in the morning.

This is Not Last Time

I am having to remind myself today in the absence of pregnancy symptoms that this time is not like last time. I got lucky last time in that I experienced pregnancy symptoms one week after my positive OPK. I have to remind myself that every pregnancy is different, which means I might not have symptoms at all this time other than a missed period, and when I do get symptoms, they could be completely different from last time. I won't necessarily have the same symptoms.

Admittedly, I am a tad let down that here I am at 1:30 in the afternoon and have yet to have a near fainting spell. I have had some dizziness, but again, that could be due to something else completely. I was EXHAUSTED starting yesterday and took a nap from 6-7 last night, fell asleep almost right away at bedtime, and was so tired this morning I could barely put one foot in front of the other well into late morning. Again, could be due to the same thing that could be causing the dizziness. I was nauseous this morning, but I think that had more to do with the fact that I ate a cookie first thing before heading to work. The girls hurt like no one's business, but they always hurt before AF, and it is impossible for me to say if they usually hurt like this in any given cycle, or if this time is different.

Basically, I am discounting everything I have in the way of potential pregnancy symptoms unless they become way more pronounced. *sigh* But the day is far from over, and tomorrow is a new day, so I am keeping myself from getting discouraged by reminding myself of that fact. That and that I can't, or rather shouldn't, compare last time to this time.

I do find comfort in the fact that I know I'm not just making up symptoms too. Heaven knows we can make ourselves feel any way just by using our brains. I can honestly say I am not making myself feel pregnancy symptoms just to hype myself up. I am giving them a chance to do their thing on their own and in their own time.

Hopefully, just hopefully, I will feel something tomorrow.

Nothing to Report

I wish I had some really cool news or a great post up my sleeve, but I've got nothing. I am just sitting in my TWW trying not to get too excited. I actually had to do a little work with Dali this morning because I was so excited my heart was pounding and I had so much energy I felt like I needed to run laps around the building.

I am trying not to get my hopes up that I will experience pregnancy symptoms tomorrow, even though I had symptoms 7dpo with my daughter. Can you really call it dpo when you aren't exactly sure what day you ovulated, but rather know what day you got a positive OPK? I mean, the egg could have released Saturday or Sunday, although I am leaning toward Saturday due to the mittleshmerz I had all day.

I am still going with "I'm pregnant." I won't even allow myself to think about the possibility that I'm not because I am. It is just a matter of less than a week before it is confirmed with a BFP. Everything just fell so perfectly into place, and I was apparently extremely fertile with this cycle so there is no way I can't be pregnant. Oh yeah, my "Baby Dust" temorary tattoo is still going strong too. That HAS to be a good sign, right?

At least I am smart enough to realize the symptoms I do have right now are not pregnancy related. It is too soon for pregnancy symptoms still. The girls are still sore, which is a good sign. The cramps have totally gone away, which is a relief. I have had some slight dizziness, but I know exactly what is causing that, and it isn't pregnancy.

I just keep envisioning my little embie making its way down the tube. Its got to be close to the end, if it isn't already out in the cave. It should start burrowing as soon as tomorrow or through the weekend. I promise I will post as soon as I have any symptoms.

Keep your fingers crossed!