Welcome Back. Now Go Away!

***Mom, there is swearing in this post - be forewarned***

Where do I even start? Today has been a total roller coaster ride that sucked the way so little in this world can suck. I thought it ended on a high, but no, it slammed me through the ground as it laughed and told me I get to repeat today, tomorrow.

Right now, my inner infertile is no longer inner. She is out in the wide open, laughing her ass off at me. Rolling on the floor while she points and laughs.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I forgot how much it hurts.

Somehow in my dreamy state the week after ovulation I miscalculated the days until AF was due. I thought she was due tomorrow. So for the past 10 days, which I thought had been 11, I was living for today when the first signs of AF should appear if she was going to rear.

Today was B-R-U-T-A-L.

I seriously went to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes to check for spotting. A couple of times I was shaking, I was so nervous. If she was going to knock down my door, she was going to start with the battering ram today. All day I told myself that if I made it to 3:00 with no spotting, I was in the clear. 3:00 rolled around, no spotting. 3:25, no spotting. 4:00, no spotting, 5:00 no spotting.

Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant!

I was so high. I couldn't believe it. I sat in those glorious moments, relishing every second and thinking, "It feels so awesome to be here right now, knowing that I am most likely pregnant!" All of those "symptoms" I had over the last few days WERE pregnancy symptoms after all.

Or so I thought.

Then tonight, I had a thought that maybe I should check my cycle calendar and make sure AF really is due tomorrow (remember this cycle was thrown off when I ovulated 4 days early). I pulled out my phone and started doing the math. I found out right away I was off by a day. AF isn't due tomorrow, she is due on Thursday.

What?! No! No! I can't do today again tomorrow! I just can't! Today was agony and it drained me. The thought of doing it again is unfathomable.

My infertile came out then. I thought that I could maintain a positive attitude if things didn't work out this month, but I was wrong. All of those years of infertility treatments came flooding back with all of their pain and anguish. I have been through so very much, and now I have to fight again. I have to constantly fight, but I am so tired, and I'm weary. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be on the front lines anymore. For once I want pregnancy to come easily for me. Haven't I been through enough already?

I am angry. I am hurt. I am disappointed.

I had to know right away whether I was or not, so I marched upstairs and took a FRER (Firs.t Re.sponse E.arly R.esult). Who gives a rat's ass if it isn't FMU? Either I am or I'm not. If it doesn't show up now, I'm not.

BFN

Of course. The white staring back at me next to the pink line hugged my infertile as they danced around me and laughed in my face. My infertile kept telling me that this past cycle was so awesome. I was totally fertile, I ovulated early, I did everything right, but it didn't work, so what does that say about me? If I couldn't get knocked up on a cycle like that, what chance do I have? I swear the bitch wrote it on a sign she held up above her head as she danced around. "Neener neener!"

I can't even describe how much I hurt tonight. There are just no words. I haven't been here in so long, and I always prayed I wouldn't be back here, but I am. I was here in February of this year, and now I'm back here again.

I want time to stand still so that I don't have to move past this moment and deal with the hurt in the hours before what will probably be a restless night. I don't want to wake up and deal with the pain all day at work tomorrow as I wait for that first sign of AF's battering ram. I know she's coming. She is the dog poop icing on the dog shit cake.

Right now I am bitter. I am in so much pain, and I am having some serious post traumatic disorder going on. And you know what? I am going to let this freight train bowl me over and drag me down the tracks because that is the only way I can get through this. I have to let it run its course or I will never move on. If I can't move on, I'll end up just tucking it away inside somewhere so it can fester and rot, just like I did two years ago. Then one day it will come back and blow up in my face, just like it is right now.

I'm going to take my time with this, and when I'm ready, I'm going to pick up the pieces, and I am going to excitedly move forward with my next cycle. We'll try again, and if it doesn't work next cycle, we'll try again, and again, and again until it does. There isn't anything I can do about this cycle except wait for the inevitable.

This sucks, and I hate it. I'm not going to let this run my life again.

To my infertile, laugh while you can because you are NOT welcome here. Once I regain my strength from today, you and I are having it out, and I'm going to kick your ass to the curb once and for all.