Throwing in the Towel

I realize that we haven't been trying for a baby as long as most people out there in infertility land, and I also realize that I am a slightly impatient person, but I have decided to throw in the baby towel. We've been trying for over two and a half years now. We did treatments for a year and a half, which ended with me undergoing pretty extensive surgery that included a moderate endometrial resection, removal of a uterine septum, and ovarian drilling. We decided after the surgery that we would take a year off of treatments to see if the surgery fixed our problems, and I admit, I was hopeful. Then last month I started spotting 7 days before AF was due. Of course, like a fool I got my hopes up just the teeniest tiniest bit, while the skeptical infertile in me kept my feet on the ground, so when AF did show up my bitterness increased and all hope of ever having children on our own went out the window.

The disappointment I felt with that wonky cycle far outweighed any disappointment I felt while undergoing treatments. While I was skeptical that each treatment would work, I still had hope that pregnancy would eventually happen, and so felt the urge and desire to continue. I always felt like even though I was in the infertile statistic, I would one day change to the statistic group where I underwent treatments successfully. But after my 7 days of spotting leading up to AF last month, I felt 100% completely hopeless. Yes, the bitterness of it all has finally set in. Then to top it off, I have spent more time spotting during the last 25 days than not for this current cycle. I honest to God no longer think that children are in our cards.

I realize that most people think that when you give up that is when babies happen. All I have to say to that is that those people have never been through what I've been through, and while I appreciate their optimism on my behalf, I would appreciate those words to be unspoken at this juncture of my life. I am already in a dark place, and those words at a time like this are not a comfort. I always used to think the way those people did; that if I just gave up it would happen. But now that I am to the point where I give up, I don't feel like it will happen. Ever.

I told my sweetie last week that I want to completely give up, but surprisingly, he wouldn't have it. He wants me to at least see a new doctor here and see what she has to say different from what my last two doctors said. To appease him, I will go. But I honestly do not feel like I will ever bear a belly rounded by a growing baby. The only rounded belly I will sport is the one that gets fatter and fatter despite my cutting back on sugary snacks and meal portions and daily 4-mile walks.

I do realize that there are other options, and that we probably only scratched the IF surface during our year and a half of treatments (yes, I lied and said we had been trying for a year when we started treatments because I knew we would have a hard time getting pg on our own), but to be honest, undergoing treatments made my life a hormonal living hell, and it will be a cold day in hell before I excitedly sign myself back up for that program.

Before we moved a couple of months ago I threw out the hundreds of condoms that we bought or were given when we first got married. Yesterday I threw out the Sponge contraceptives I found lurking in the corner of a drawer. I couldn't help but smile in that moment and think that the upside to not being able to get pg means we will never need contraceptives again. I will never need to go on birth control or get an IUD (intra-uterine contraceptive). We can pretty much do whatever we want whenever we want and never need to worry about putting a bun in the oven and the inconvenience of it all. Maybe not being able to have children isn't such a bad thing.

The other side of never having kids is whom do I leave all of my crap to when I pass over? Whom do I leave my grandmother's antique furniture? I want to raise a child and be the beaming mother of the bride or groom.

I guess its just time for me to leave everything baby behind and face the facts. My hope for a family is gone. I am not the first, and I won't be the last woman to go through this. I will just have to find fulfillment through my marriage, my family, my precious pooches, and the scads of money that will build up in my bank account. Now if I could just pull myself out of my current funk. I haven't been here for long, but I already hate it and want so badly to get away from it. I hate being in this mental place. Perhaps I should turn my thoughts from babies and funks to learning my new job and really excelling at what I do and really focusing on losing my newly blooming gut that makes people ask/wonder if I am expecting (I'm really not that big at a size 4, but apparently I'm big enough).

Enough dullness for one day. I'm off to read all of your happy blogs.