Baby Blues

I guess I should have known better than to get my hopes up even a little bit when I noticed I was spotting 7 days after I know I ovulated, but I couldn't help but hope just a little bit. Everything I read said that spotting at 7 dpo (days past ovuldation) was most likely an indication of implantation. I had had feelings lately that also helped get my hopes up, such as when I was trying to find places for all of our things in a house that has an almost complete lack of storage. Not knowing where else to put things, I began to load up the closet in the room that I hope will one day become a nursery. The entire time I was loading it up I had a nagging feeling that I shouldn't put anything in there because I would just have to move it back out in a few months. I chose to ignore the feeling and just kept right on packing our things in, and the feeling persisted. I still ignored it, and the closet is still packed full of items that I have no idea where else to put them. Usually feelings like that for me are not wrong. The last time I had a feeling that strongly about something it was after I got the first call for my new job. I just KNEW after I hung up the phone that first time that this job was mine. I even told Adam one night after my first over-the-phone interview that I knew this was it, the job we had been waiting for, even though I still had three more rounds in the interview process to go. It just felt right.

Last Monday when I saw the first signs of spotting, my heart leaped. It didn't even occur to me to think that it could be my old friend Low Progesterone coming back to visit. The only time I spotted the 7 days leading up to my unwanted visitor was while we were actually undergoing hormone injections. I had never experienced that at any other time. I also had not had that issue since my surgery 6 months ago. But by the time Friday rolled around and the spotting had not only not let up but gotten worse, I called my sister to see if she had ever had the problem with any of her babies. It was then that she suggested perhaps it was a low progesterone issue. My heart sank as I realized she was more than likely right on. The most frustrating part about all of it is that I had almost every single symptom of pregnancy, right down to the slight nausea, sensitivity to smells, and tender, enlarged "girls."

Needless to say, my unwanted visitor has now showed up further cementing the theory about the issue at hand. This saddens me on so many levels. Not only does it mean I am not pregnant and am back to not trusting my own body signs, but I now have to find a new doctor to discuss my options. It became clear as a bell that having a baby on our own is just not a reality. After everything I went through for the last two years and the surgery last October, I am right back where I started. I had not only hoped to not need to find an infertility doctor down here, but I had hoped that I would at least be able to take the rest of this year off of treatments to just try on our own. However, with this past week's symptoms, it is obvious to me that if I want pregnancy to happen at all this year, I will have to find a new doctor and at the very least get onto some kind of progesterone supplement.

I know this blog sounds like such a downer after my last positive and upbeat post, but rest assured I am not depressed. I just reserve the right to be a little disappointed today in light of last week. Like every other month where it became apparent my treatment days weren't done, I reserve the right to be a little blue and wonder if motherhood is ever going to be in the cards for me.

On a much lighter note, I finally finished completely unpacking the kitchen and breakfast area yesterday and those spaces are finally usable! We even broke in the new kitchen by making nachos last night, and Hubs made breakfast burritos this morning. We also got almost all the rest of our outlets changed out yesterday and only have half a dozen or so to go before that project is complete. It is amazing the difference something as small as changing out outlets makes. It just modernizes the house to me and makes me feel so much more comfortable here. We still have to change out a couple more ceiling fans and light switches, but those will be easy tasks once Hubs isn't busy with work.

Even better than that, my little brother is flying out next weekend to check out the new digs, hang out, and just plain party. I can't wait to have my baby brother here to show him around, taking him out for some of the most awesome food he's ever eaten, and let him experience the real Texas outside of the two military bases he has been installed on here. It will be a weekend full of creating new weekend traditions for his many future visits.

Outside of Babyland, life is getting to be as perfect as it can get.