Naive? Who Me?

I have found that in the last two years my bitter infertile has been pushed to the back burner a bit. For obvious reasons, of course. As I stand at the beginning of a fresh new year, I find that I am filled with a hope I have not seen since Hubs and I first started TTC shortly after we were married.

This scares me.

Usually when Christmas and New Years are over, I get a bit of a case of the blues. As my dad always says after vacationsare over, "The money has been spent, the fun has been had, and now it's time to go home." All of that buildup and the excitement is let out like the air from a balloon. Its back to daily life.

However, I find this year I am still giddy like Christmas is still just right around the corner. In fact, I think it will fall on February 4th first thing in the morning. It comes in the form of a doctor appointment complete with the ever-so-friendly dildo cam, two sets of stirrups, and (hopefully) a speculum, but this time I can't wait for the date.

This too, scares me.

I had a dream the other night I went to this appointment only to be told by my doctor that my IUD would have to remain in for another month. I was so upset. I told her it had to come out because I had already bought the fertility pills, I had plans, and this was not part of them. I woke up completely upset only to realize it was only a dream.

I have a cupboard literally stocked of pregnancy tests and OPKs in preparation for the battle.

I think there are somewhere around 40+ OPKs and 8+ HPTs in there.

So why am I scared? Because I've been here once before and swore to never be here again. The silly naive girl who thinks, "I'll be pregnant in no time. I won't need all of these pregnancy tests and OPKs. I might go through a couple, but I'll have a bunch left over."

The infertile in me wants to slap me back into reality. I have no idea what state my endo is in currently. I have no idea how my rupture has healed. If it was up to me, I would have been trying for another baby shortly after my first was born because time is not on my side when it comes to building my family. Although, my MIL sent me an article that kind of made me feel better about having to wait. It talked about how it is best to put at least one year between each pregnancy for the health and survivability of the baby.

In the moments where my infertile wants to rattle me, it reminds me of exactly what I'm signing up for this time around too. It could be an easy pregnancy like the first, but then again, it might not. It is already high risk right out of the gate. I worry about making it to the 24th week when I will have an MRI that will determine the remaining length of the pregnancy. That isn't an "if," it is a fact.

I guess the point behind this post to me is to try to get my feet back on the ground. To get my head out of the clouds and to stop being so silly and naive. Yes, I get to TTC again, but I don't want to get my hopes too high about when it will happen, how long it will take, or what I might have to go through again.

I wish that I could be as silly and naive as so many women out there who get all upset when they have been trying to get pregnant for a whole 3-4 months with no success. I wish I could have my head in the clouds when and if I get that positive pregnancy test.

Chelle, this is reality calling you back to earth. Yes, it is okay to be excited to try for another baby, but please, for your sanity, keep your feet on the ground and your emotions in check. Thank you.