I really feel like I have been dropped down a big hole and I keep falling further and further. Just like Alice. I wonder if in the non-Disney version she smacked into walls, tree roots, and other unpleasant things during her descent. I know I sure am. I feel like I am just taking a royal beating. Of course, I could feel really brow beaten right now because AF showed up today. I'm not disappointed I'm not pregnant. I knew I wouldn't be. I'm talking more about the fact that when AF shows, there is a shift in hormones.
Honestly though, I feel like I am in a dark place in my life and I can't shake it. God knows I'm trying. I'm trying everything. But I feel like for every one thing I do to help make myself feel better, I get two sucker punches to the gut. One to put me back in my place for trying, and the second to push me down even further.
Friday at work was definitely right up there with one of the worst days in my career at this company. I wish I could disclose any kind of details, but as my blog is only semi-anonymous, I feel like I can't say a word. And do you know what? That really SUCKS. Because blogging is my therapy, and all of you are my vindication. It has left me thinking about things and wondering how to handle them. It has definitely pushed my fertility woes to the back of my mind. That right there should tell you something.
Remember this picture?
I am wondering when the deuce I am ever going to get out from under this muddy wheel! I thought it was turning, and I was getting out of the mud, but nope. I am probably only a little to the right of that arrow right now.
I am tired. I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of trying. I've gotten to the point where all I want to do is lay around in bed. I don't, but I want to. Some days it is so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I just keep asking myself what do I need to do to change this? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm being ungrateful because heaven knows I feel so blessed to have the wonderful family I do. It isn't even that I want more, its more that I want to be happy, to put all of this mess behind me and move on with my life.
I feel like I am giving up. Like I am throwing in the towel. I just want to be done with all of this stress and pain and discontentment. I know from past experience when life gets like this, something somewhere has to give, and I know exactly what this time. Its time to throw my fertility under the bus. Forget about it. Let it go. It's also time to make some changes around here. I just need to find the energy to do it. I need to find a lasting inspiration somewhere, not the flash in the pan kind I've had lately.
I want to be happy again. I want to be on top of the wheel again. I want to be so happy I am afraid that the other shoe will drop. I want ridiculous amounts of happy energy to shoot out my finger tips.
Why do I write about all of this? Because I have a tendency to forget unpleasant things, which I am learning now can have some negative repercussions. Forgetting pain sets you up to have to go through it again and feeling like its the first time all over again. If we ever do get pregnant and have another baby, I want to be able to put baby making behind me once and for all afterward. I need posts like this to help remind me of just how painful this journey is, to remind me of the true cost. Not just the dollars and cents or the time invested, but the real, true emotional, social, psychological, and physical pain of TTC.
TTC sets my life in a downward spiral until I am discontent with way too much. At that point, so many aspects of my life have been soured to the point I need to move on from them because I can never fix them.
I don't even know what I want anymore outside of trying to get out of this stupid pit.
13 Thoughts:
I will certainly stand and fight 2011 with you! Our year sucks so far too, obviously for different reasons though. I have such ups and downs. I am so sorry you are going through that too.
I think we should go on a beach vacation together. Maybe if we just relax you will get pregnant and I will get a job! Ha ha! Ok, not funny, I know.
Thinking of you friend, and sending you all the love I've got....
Oh crap, just when you thought that things couldn't get any harder you get thrown a work sucker punch and to not even be able to blog about it, well that just sucks balls.
My thoughts are with you and despite the fact that you feel that you are at the bottom of that muddy wheel - you are strong, you are positive, you will get to the top again, of that I am sure!!
Keep your chin up!
I hate crappy days like that, that just compound other crappy things going on. IF is a bitch. :o( Bad days at work are too! I hope that this week is so good that it makes Friday just look like a bump in the road. Sending some hugs and love your way!
If you ever want to email me my email is jeff_and_kahlaatyahoo.com. Sometimes it's nice to actually be able to bitch and not have to worry about it! ;o)
Oh this sucks. You have so much on your plate, and now work throws you one too! Sending you a hug, my dear.
So sorry things are not going well, chelle. It definitely sucks that things are not going well at work, especially since you can't blog about it. I do believe you are very strong and you will come through this.
Take care
sorry about AF. ugh. she's a bitch goddess, huh? i hate her. and wow, i can't imagine what you are going through at work. just make sure you find ways to take care of you, however you do that. sucks so badly that you are going through this. wish i could help more. but know we're here rooting you on.
I once heard a pastor say that life is lived in 3 stages... you're either in "the pit," about to go in "the pit" or just coming out of "the pit." I heard this message when I was deep in the throws of it all and I remember thinking that when I looked back on my life, that statement couldn't be more true. His further advice was to remember that the only way to get out is to look up. I know where you are and I know how hard it is to see the reasoning behind any of it, but there is always a reason. I don't know what it is but I am praying God shows you and brings you through it soon.
xoxo
Sending hugs and hope things look much brighter very soon.
Oh sweetie. I feel so bad I didn't see this until now. My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give you the biggest hug and see you and go out for coffee or something/anything....just to see you. I'm thinking of you sweetie and love you so very, very much. ((HUGS))
I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as always. It's hard enough to battle infertility and then when you have to deal with things at work as well, it can be overwhelming. I hope that you feel like you are on top of the wheel soon. A great big HUGS!!! to you.
I know your miracle is coming and I can't wait to find out when it does because it truly will be amazing.
Hi Chelle. Lost touch for a long while, so just popping over to say hi. Life is hard when you're battling up against it day in, day out. I do believe that talking is the best therapy there is. I know by experience! Love 'n best wishes you feel brighter soon. x
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