Infertile Anger

So this experience is something completely new to me, and I find that for the first time ever during our years of battling IF, I don't really want to talk about it. I find that I am imploding and shriveling up on myself with my emotions and thoughts. I am withdrawing. Trying to escape the reality of the situation. I just want to ignore all of this and pretend it didn't happen. I want to take The Red Pill and make it all go away.

I found out today I am famous in the Metroplex. I am 1 in a million. The case that doctors have heard about and wonder if they need to start issuing warnings to their patients. I can't even tell you how awesome that makes me feel. No really, it makes me feel awesomely shitty. The RE we saw this morning said he performs septum removals all of the time and has never seen a rupture occur because of it. Another doctor in the area called him: "I heard there was a patient who had a rupture after a septum removal. I just did one on a patient. Should I warn her that she may need a c-section just to be safe?" No. Why? Because this just doesn't happen. He tells all of his septum removal patients to labor normally.

Why am I that person? Why?

Today I am angry. I am so unbelievably angry. I don't understand why I am here.

My prognosis is bad. Bad all around. The location of my rupture is near the top back side of the uterus. Guess where babies implant 95% of the time? You got it! I have a 95% chance of an embryo implanting in the rupture scar tissue.

Do you know what my RE told me when I asked him how we act proactively if we do get pregnant? He told me to pray. He told me if we get pregnant, it is in God's hands. There is nothing that we can do but pray.

There is nothing that can be done that will make a pregnancy anything but extremely high risk. NOTHING.

He told me I might know when I rupture, and I might not. I might not feel a thing, and so would go about my day with my baby bleeding out inside me, and then bleed internally myself, completely oblivious to the problem.

He told me that if I got pregnant, I would be in the hospital with every little twinge, wondering, fearing for the worst.

Today, I am mad with God. I don't understand. Why does He give babies to people who abuse them and kill them, but then denies me? My daughter will want for nothing. Yet He sees fit to deliver His children to crack addicts. I don't understand that, and I NEVER will.

I'm being realistic in regard to my second opinion. It won't be any different. It will be the same. It is just to reiterate what the RE said today.

If we go forward with the surgery, it will be worse than a c-section and comes with a 3-6 week recovery time. The look on my PM's face when I told him that was exactly what I expected. He is tired of all of this. He told me that I need to not be selfish and not go forward with this. That I need to think about my family, and especially my daughter. Everyone tells me to count my lucky stars that I have my daughter. To them, this is all black and white. To me, it is very grey. I was put here for a purpose, and one that I cannot fulfill. I can't provide my husband with the 4-5 children he wanted. I can't provide my daughter with a sibling. They see me going forward as selfish. I see me not going forward as failure.

Now you can see why I want to tuck this all away and pretend it never happened. But I can't. Hubs wants more children, and he made it clear tonight that we WILL get more children, even if they don't come from me. So NOT what I needed to hear tonight.

I talked to my BF after I got back to work this afternoon and we both just sat there and sobbed together as we talked about her being a surrogate for us. She is serious about it and wants to do it. I want her to do it. But I don't. If I was going to let anyone do it, it would be her. But I am not quite ready to start down that path. I need time to grieve this loss. To come to terms with it and move on from it.

Right now, I just want to tell myself my daughter is all I will ever have and move on with my life. I picked her up from daycare and she ran to me, squealing, and holding her arms out for me to pick her up. My heart melted and I whispered in her ear, "If you are all I ever get, then I will be happy. At least I have you."

At least I have her.

So that is where I am right now. Shriveling up like a prune, shutting off, and pulling away. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to move on and forget any of this ever happened.