Mile A Minute

My brain has been going a mile a minute the last few days. I'm up, I'm down, I'm in, I'm out, yes, no, maybe, yes, yes, no, wait.... The thought that runs through my head the most is, "The best part about being me is I give myself the grace to change my mind completely from one minute to the next. It is a very good thing to be me." And then I begin to sing a song in my head from Slipper and the Rose (a 70's version of Cinderella), "Why can't I be two people? Why can't I live two lives? Then the other me, twin brother me, could live a free and happy life!" And then I think about how if there were two of me (which there has never been another person like me during the whole existence of man) that I would definitely be best friends with myself. Even and especially on days like the last few because I feel confident I would be able to help myself sort through all of my thoughts.

One thing that needs to be said about me is that I am generally an optimistic, find the humor in life type of gal. Sure, I take my punches and I get mad, hurt, and upset just like everyone else. But then I pick myself up, find the lesson, or the positive, or the funny in a less than pleasant circumstance. The reason I say this is because I am sure most of you read my last post and thought I was upset. Quite the opposite. I chuckled as I wrote almost every line. I chuckle when I end up being the exception to the rule, "Of course I'm the .0009% who gets a false positive pregnancy test. It's ME we're talking about here!" "Of course you have never seen or heard of a case like mine. It's ME we're talking about here!" I have just come to accept that that is how my life is. I have learned to take all of it with a salt lick... a big one. Because what else can I do? Wallow in my own self pity? What would that serve? Life is meant to be lived, and dammit, I live it! I might not always get what I want right when I want it, but I never lose sight of the things I DO have that make my life really stinking great. I can tell you, Baby Bean and I have been loving our time together the last few days. Really, truly loving our time together. Maybe that is why I have to struggle again. Who knows?

Have I told you all how much I love Dr. Acupuncture? I seriously love that guy. I went in today, totally down in the dumps (you know, cause it's CD3 and I went to my second baby shower this week today [its only Tuesday!]), and as soon as he started sticking in the needles, I started to cry. Great big tears sliding down the side of my face and into my ears. Dr. A grabbed a couple of tissues and sat there, wiping my tears away while telling me (in his sweet Korean accent) it just wasn't my turn yet, but that it would be. That we are working on changing the inside and it takes time. I need to be patient. It will happen. The man is so caring and compassionate. I am very lucky to have found him.

So, I have decided I am going to do a medicated cycle this month. There are many reasons for my coming to this decision. I didn't come to it alone either. I had influence from my husband and one of my best friends. My biggest hurdle is going to be to keep the stress and anticipation out of it, especially because the chances of my fertile window being when I am out of town are about 87% likely. We'll just have to do our thing before I go and call it good. That is the most I can do.

*sigh*

One minute at a time my friends, one small minute at a time. (And a chuckle when applicable.)