The Infertility Pendulum

We infertiles are no strangers to what I am aptly naming, "The Infertility Pendulum." Once you are in the game, you will swing a 180 over a course of time, be it 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. We go from, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I get pregnant? Even some fish get pregnant without partners." to, "You know what? Maybe I don't want a baby. Life is so good. I'm not sure I want to mess this up." Then there is the middle ground where, sure, if a baby happened to come along, you would be happy. But, you're also happy with the way things are if a baby doesn't come along.

Here is a diagram I created to illustrate the above.

If you want to know where I have been lately, see the diagram below.

I have been hiding out for the past week sorting through feelings. I was at the far left end of the pendulum. Wondering why my body was so broken. Aching to add another baby to our family. Hurting so much because everyone around me is pregnant. There are five (scratch that; there are seven) pregnant people at work that I know of. I went to the store last week and quit looking at people after seeing the third pregnant woman 10 minutes into my shopping trip.

What tipped my pendulum so wildly so quickly? The realization that I was coming up on 1 year since we were finally able to start TTC after Baby Bean was born. For the last year I have been fighting to get pregnant again. I have done medicated cycles. I've been going to acupuncture since the beginning of the year. I've been going to the chiropractor. I've changed my diet. I've added natural remedies. I've been exercising. I've given up and taken 3 months off charting and didn't pay attention to my cycles at all (aka relaxing). None of it has helped. I'm back where I was 5 years ago with my fertility, and it hurts. This year marker made reality set in hard.

I was aching so much, I knew I had to figure out how to get back to at least the middle ground because I was starting to withdraw from my friends, my family, and even my husband. I was becoming self-defeating. Because I was on the far right side of the pendulum not three months ago, I knew I could make it swing back, it was just a matter of pulling myself up by my knee socks and figuring out how.

I wanted to blog about it, and I realize now I should have. I didn't because I didn't want people IRL knowing how much I was hurting, and feared that they wouldn't understand. But I should have written about it so that they could know how raw and painful these feelings are.

A blog friend of mine, Al, had a blog giveaway last fall, which I won. She sent me a book called Overcoming Your Infertility. For months it has sat in my bedroom, untouched by me (because I hoped I wouldn't need it), but often played with by Baby Bean. Then one night last week, I decided it was time to read it. I frantically looked around the room trying to remember where I had seen it last. I needed relief and comfort. Sadly, the book b**** slapped me before it helped me. It told me that you are defined infertile if you have been trying unsuccessfully for 1 year to get pregnant.

It sucked the air out of my lungs and made me hurt so deeply. Twice now, twice in my life I have officially been labeled infertile. I tried so hard this past year to rid myself of that label, but I can't rid myself of it now. I am medically labeled infertile again.

But I read on because I knew it would get better, and it did. It taught me ways of coping with my stress and worry. It confirmed that the way I was feeling was hindering me. It also confirmed that the way I was feeling was very common for someone who had been trying as long as I have. Now I take into account the first 2+ years it took us to get Baby Bean too because I have already walked this path. Believe me, it hurts just as much the second time around as it does the first. It just hurts in different ways. Anyway you slice it, infertility hurts. But I digress. The book has taught me some wonderful methods for coping, and I have put them to good use this past week. They are the only reason I am back to where I am tonight and not still down in the Pit of Despair.

This morning I went to acupuncture, thinking I would have no problem at all falling asleep during treatment (sleeping is recommended for optimal results). But the second Dr. S closed the door for me to relax, it hit me. I have to do IUIs. I have to go back to doing cycles with an RE because this isn't going to happen on its own.

Now hear me out. There is a reason I came to this conclusion. For the past year, I have little to no CM when I ovulate. It pretty much dries up during my fertile window, and that is how I know when I'm about to ovulate. Dr. D had told me earlier this year that there was nothing you could do to help CM production. He said that people offer up advice for things that could, like evening primrose oil or Ro.bitussen, but that they didn't really work. He said the only way around it was to do an IUI. I wasn't ready to hear that at the time, and opted instead to try those other methods for myself first. I can now tell you first hand that he was right, at least in my case. I have tried everything. I even ordered products that promised to increase my production. They didn't do a thing. I've eaten foods that supposedly help. Nope, didn't work. I've taken EPO in high doses daily for months. Nada. I tried the Ro.bitussen route. Strike 3. I hoped that maybe exercising would help, but no, it has just jacked my cycle up. I'm on CD15 and still spotting. Have been since CD1.

So there I lay, on the table, full of needles, willing the 40 minutes to pass so I could text my husband. I couldn't relax. All I could do was think about my plan. At first I was going to wait until October and do a non-medicated IUI that month and November, but after I got to work I decided there was no need to wait, and I would go in September too. If by December we haven't had success, I am going to ask for a laparoscopy at the beginning of next year to see if we can find a reason this isn't happening, like scar tissue or something.

I texted Hubs when I got to work and told him what I had decided. His response: Ok.

(I didn't draw this, but I did color it. Isn't it lovely?
The words are all my addition too.)

That's my plan. Non-medicated IUIs Sept-Nov, surgery early next year.

One question to the community, has anyone out there ever actually had success with IUIs? I've had one unsuccessful go, and I don't know that I know anyone who has. That is the one dark cloud in my plan, not knowing anyone who has had success. Either way, I am going to give it a go. I am going to see my RE next Tuesday to let him know what I would like to do and see what he says/suggests.

Ahhh to be back in the trenches.... #*$(@#&$(@#^&%#!!!!