My follicle check yesterday was frustrating. I had one. ONE. I can make one on my own every month. It is frustrating because the chlomid made lots of follies. So much that it is uncomfortable. But I have nothing more to show for it than I do every other month. One chance. One shot. Same as every other month, only I get to experience the discomfort of multiple follies that never matured.
I threw the progesterone in my purse, and texted my husband when I got to the car. I am so over this crap.
I have a protocol this month. I didn't want a protocol. I will have a protocol next month. Start chlomid on CD3 or 4; apply estrogen patch on CD8; follicle monitoring 2-3 times; use progesterone 4 days after ovulation. This just sucks.
All of this has made me wonder if I really do want any more children. I am so content with the way my life is right now with just the three of us. We can vacation when we want. I can breed my dogs when I want without fear of me either being pregnant or having to care for an infant. We can go wherever we want and do whatever we want. Baby Bean is getting to an age where she can do things for herself, and she prefers it that way. She sleeps through the night. She doesn't require 24/7 attention for feedings and diaper changes. She can eat the same foods we do. I don't have to make bottles or buy baby items just for her. I kind of like it this way. Its simple.
I really am ready to just put TTC behind me. And I know I really feel this way because I am not bitter about it. I am exhausted with all of the effort that goes into cycling and caring about cycling. I did this once before. I have my prize. The thought of moving on feels like going from a stormy year into the first day of sunshine in a long time. It sounds so relieving.
I'll give it through the end of this year for my friend and my husband. But once 2011 is over, I'm throwing in the TTC towel. My blog will have a content overhaul, if it doesn't get moved to a new site all together. Its purpose will no longer be infertility or TTC. It will be about living life, really living it and enjoying it. It sounds great, doesn't it?
11 Thoughts:
Of course you're feeling very "whatever" about this cycle! It's hard to get into it when you're just not feeling it. Sending you hugs... You'll make it through!
Chelle, where you are, it's a great place to be. Im glad you are sticking to the plan nonetheless and then whatever will be will be. Much love, Fran
You have to do what's right for you and your family. Whatever you decide, I'll be behind you, cheering you on from the sidelines. And yes, living life, really living it and enjoying it for all that it can be and is, sounds amazing...and it's something you totally deserve. I am an only child and I think I turned out pretty good. ;) I had a wonderful childhood, because my parents made it wonderful. It's the love you give your child that matters, that will make her life special and awesome, and will give purpose and meaning to your life, to your family. You deserve to be happy, truly happy, and I pray that whatever decision you make, you will find that peace.
If life wasn't complicated then it wouldn't be life. Ha! I'm glad you are going to stick it out through the end of the year, just so you won't have regrets down the road.
You sound content and that's the most important thing. I'm so sorry it's so frustrating. :( Sure wish it was easier for you. Here's hoping everything works out exactly the way you want it. :) Love ya girl
I hate cycling. Big time. Its such a chore. But I'm glad that you are finding peace in your immediate life and have given yourself a time frame... THinking of you!
It really does sound like you are over it. You are a very strong person and will make it through whatever you have your mind set on.
Your friend is a good friend. She's right. Fight, fight to the end lovely lady, you're strong and amazing.
I'm sorry that everything is so frustrating right now. But you are right, living life and really enjoying it sounds great! I know exactly how you feel. We're moving ahead with the adoption and obviously we both want it to be successful, but if it doesn't work out we want to be content with what we have, enjoy life, and enjoy each other. I am hoping and praying that this attempt at TTC works out for you.
Wishing you the best of the remainder of the year (only three months left!). I'm glad you are content with your life now. Baby bean is just a ray of sunshine!
Honestly? Just reading about it gives me tired head. I don't think I could have done it all again... I really don't. You are brave and you are blessed to have people around you who love you so much to help you stay true when you really don't want to. Those people are priceless.
I'm thinking of you often and praying it will all work out exactly the way you want it to. I can say from the other side of 2 that it is freaking hard. The appeal of stopping while you're ahead? I totally get it. Praying God will give you the strength to get through whatever may come your way.
xoxo
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