What if my next pregnancy results in the loss of the life of my child, or even my own?
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I wanted to participate in the Stirrup Queen's Project IF, in which I explore my "What if" in relation to my infertility. I was given an option between four groups in which to place my current internal battle, and I chose how my infertility affects the choices and plans I made in my life.
My battle with infertility has been caused by PCOS and moderate endometriosis, both of which were positively diagnosed during a laparoscopy. During that procedure, a uterine septum was removed in such a way that it weakened the fundus of my uterus that resulted in a near placental abruption during my pregnancy with my daughter. It had taken us 3 years to bring our child into the world, and we knew we wanted more. Because we both know the seriousness of my endometriosis, we had planned to not wait more than 6 months before trying to add another member to our family. However, the rupture put a damper on those plans, and we were forced to take at least a year off of trying again.
At the end of the year, I was given a sonogram to determine if my uterus was ready to house another baby, and it was determined it was not. At least not without surgery to remove a weakened section. It was while we were exploring surgery that we were faced with the risks of another pregnancy, the biggest one being uterine rupture that could result in the loss of fetal life, or even my own.
We have been told that the chances of that happening are anywhere from slim to likely, depending on the doctor.
As someone who has fought the very depths of hell to become a mother in the first place, it is not within me to not give everything I have to bring another child into this world. I did it once before, I can and will do it again.
I have moments where I let the enormity of my bullheadedness sneak in. I allow myself to think about the potential consequences of my actions. In a perfect world, my pregnancy will be picture perfect, and none of the bad things that could happen, will. But what if the picture in my head is not how reality will play out?
What if I rupture in my bed in the middle of the night? Time is everything when it comes to saving my baby. If my baby is not removed in even as little as 5 minutes after a rupture, it could bleed out inside of me and be dead before doctors can even get to it. Meaning if it happens in my bed in the middle of the night, my child has very little chance of survival.
What if I rupture while I am driving my car?
What if I rupture at the grocery store?
What if I have a placental abruption where the placenta breeches the uterus and implants into my internal organs? What are my chances of survival if that happens? What exactly does it mean to me if that happens? What does it mean to my child?
What if going through with this pregnancy and the complications that could stem leave me a vegetable, unable to know or enjoy everything I fought so hard to obtain?
What if I walk away from this without a living child and a body unable to try again because I have to have an immediate hysterectomy?
What if I can't live with myself because my need to procreate causes my next baby its life?
What if I don't make it, and I leave my husband a widower, and my daughter motherless?
What if the picture I have painted in my head is my reality, and I go on to have two more children, making my family the size my husband and I always wanted? I loved making my husband a father the first time, and I love the idea of handing him that title three times over. I love the idea of giving my daughter the title "sister." In the end, I have to go with what feels right, and put all of the "what if's" aside for what my heart tells me.
To learn more about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more or become a part of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit www.resolve.org/takecharge. To read the "What IFs" of my infertile friends, please visit http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.
6 Thoughts:
The picture in your head WILL be your reality - I know it. You are going to get your two babies and the ability to say a lot of "I told you so's"!
Such a beautiful post Michelle. There are so many what ifs in life, and currently, you are being faced with so many of them. It must make your head spin thinking of all of the possible scenarios.
Life is always going to be full of the what ifs, and I think we need to trust the decisions that we make, and try as hard as possible not to worry about the what ifs. Life is about taking chances, and I truly believe we shouldn't live our lives based on fear.
I'm so excited for you and all that is in your future. I can't wait to find out you are pregnant again. :)
I agree, there are so many what ifs in life and there is really no escaping them. I try, I really do but they always seem to find a way to creep back in. I usually try to remind myself that everything is pretty much out of my control anyways, so worrying about the what ifs isn't going to help change the outcome. We just have to take it day by day and be confident in the choices we make, and hope for the best!! Thinking of you and super excited for that picture in your head to become a reality!!!
Stick to the positive 'what ifs' because nothing positive can come from the negative ones.
I really like this post. I can just feel the questions through you and your mind. I can't imagine. Thanks for sharing with us sweetie. I'm always thinking of you! (((HUGS)))
Thanks so much for drawing my attention to this wonderful project - I just went and read everyone's 'what IF's' and I am still weeping a bit.
This is in my heart right now - what if we all never found each other in this blogging world?
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