Geez

We all know that I am approximately 4.5 months away from being able to start trying to get knocked up again. So why is my inner infertile already doing her best to freak me out? Guess who has been doing OPKs the last two days? That would be me. Why? Because if I don't ovulate this month, I want to be sure to bring that up in my pre-opp appointment. I justify it to myself by saying that if I don't know, and I don't bring it up, Dr. D might not know he should be looking for reasons as to why when he is performing the surgery.

So here are the thoughts my inner infertile is screaming at me right now:

• "You totally should NOT be drinking frappuchinos again, even if you are going in for an endo cleanout in 5 weeks! Who knows how long it takes that caffeine to manifest itself as endo. Maybe what you are drinking now won't show its face until 3 months down the road. Did you ever think of that?" Consequently, I had my last frapp this morning. :(
• As an infertile, I am all too aware of keeping an eye on my CM, always looking for that good EWCM. I haven't seen it yet. Not even close. I'm on CD14 tomorrow. "Try not to freak out little one, you ovulated on CD19 before the baby. Maybe you ovulated earlier last month, but maybe this month will be a little later than last month." But then I start to panic and wonder if I remember seeing it last month. If I did, it wasn't much, so maybe I didn't ovulate. Shit!
• Is EWCM always supposed to gush out, or is it sometimes slow and you have to reach in to find it? (Excuse the boldness on the blog [Mom, if you know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry!].) I didn't start tracking this stuff until after my surgery, so I don't remember what it was like before. I do know after my surgery it was kind of gross because there was so much.
• Then I think back over the ultrasounds I have had in the past 3 months where a cyst was present on opposite ovaries every month. But according to the RE at May.o, just because there is a cyst, it doesn't mean an egg wasn't released. Sometimes the corpus luteum just doesn't disintegrate properly, and so turns into a cyst.
• I'm on CD13 and used OPKs tonight and last night. I didn't hold my urine for 4 hours before either test, so maybe that throws things off a bit. Who really knows? There WAS a faint line both nights, and I think tonight's was a tad darker. Initially it brings relief. But then I realize that line may not get darker in the next few days. What if it doesn't? Shit!
• "Okay, don't panic. Remember how after your lap you had seriously awesome EWCM? Maybe that will happen again after this surgery. Don't start freaking out yet. You can't even try for a baby right now anyway."
• "You know what? If things aren't working down there and I'm not ovulating, I need to know before my surgery. I need to let Dr. D know."
• "What if I go through this surgery and I still don't ovulate? Shit! Then I get to start doing treatments again. Please God, no."
• "f I have to do cycles again, would Dr. D help me, or would I have to find a new RE? I mean, he told me I shouldn't get pregnant again before I met the doctors at May.o. He can straight up tell me he won't cycle me, even though the RE at May.o told me what she would do to treat me if I wasn't ovulating after the surgery. She honestly thinks I will be fine to get pregnant, and I trust her.
• If Dr. D won't help me, I need to start tracking down a new RE and hope I can find one close by so I won't have to miss a lot of work in driving to and from appointments.
• I pray that OPK line is a wee bit darker tomorrow, and that my EWCM shows up.
• Maybe my cycle is still trying to re-regulate after the IUD. Maybe?
• Why does it matter, I'm not cycling right now anyway.
• GAH!!!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Once an infertile, always an infertile....