No Change

Today I had my follow-up appointment with my RE to discuss my MRI results. My mother and a couple of my friends felt bad at the news I got, and my response to all of them was, "Why? It is exactly what I expected."

The weak spot is exactly where we knew it was. It is exactly as big as we thought it was. The treatment is exactly what I have already been told it will be. My diagnosis for a high risk pregnancy complete with scary ass complications and risks is still the same. Nothing changed. I knew that going in. Did I have hope that they would find anything different? No, because I know this is exactly what it is.

I have to say, I really love this doctor. He is such an amazing man who very obviously loves his job. He completely understands that my need for a second opinion has nothing to do with my not trusting him, but rather to give me a sense of peace that I am in the best possible hands with him, to confirm everything he has already told me, and that is exactly what I expect from Friday's appointment.

There were a couple of times that I told him even though I seemed excited to move forward with all of this, it didn't mean I hadn't thought everything through or that I was ignorant, but quite the contrary. There were also a couple of times where he told me he was proud of me that I had done my homework on everything, that he was impressed I had actually studied all of my options. He said he didn't mistake my happiness for stupidity.

I simply told him I had already been as low as I could go with all of this, and I had no where to go but up. I have explored all of the possibilities, the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and everything in between. He threw out scenarios he thought I should think about, and he was always surprised when I said I had already thought about that. He asked if I had considered surrogacy. I half laughed and told him I most certainly had, and that I had had two friends offer to surrogate. He was impressed when I told him I had already been on the websites he suggested regarding surrogacy.

I'm telling you folks, I have done my homework, and I have explored every possibility.

I then told him straight up that I wanted to go through with all of this. I have prayed about it, my family and friends have prayed about it, and after this past weekend, church members have prayed about it. I feel like this is the way to go.

I was given a blessing by a church member on Sunday, and he blessed me that my faith with God's healing would help make my body stronger and ready to carry a pregnancy. He told me that MY faith is really what is going to get me through. He told me that the sense of peace I have about the decision tells him this is the right path. In his blessing, he told me any fears I feel are that of the adversary. I have asked God what I should do, and He has told me.

While I think my RE would rather I not go forward with this, he has made it clear he is in my court if I do. He promised to consult with a high risk OB on my behalf and give me a call later. He also asked me to call him as soon as I met with the RE at the May.o Clinic to tell him what I was told there, and then he gave me his personal cell phone number, adding, "It will be a long conversation."

As for the endo the radiologist thought she saw, it was a cyst. And as for the septum she thought she saw, it is the weak spot in my uterus dipping down. So thumbs up there!

I won't lie, up until tonight, I have felt really good about all of this. I feel like it is the way to go. I might lose my uterus in the end, but what good is a uterus if it can't give me children anyway? And a uterus is a small price to pay for building a family. I'll take that trade any day. I may lose my job. While I hope that doesn't happen, and while I pray my employer understands, I can't expect them to hold my position if I end up in the hospital starting at 24 weeks pregnant.

So tonight, when I feel that little niggling doubt, that tiny sense of fear, I will allow it in. I will let it do its job, which is to direct me one way or the other, and I will thank it for being here for me. It is only trying to protect me, after all.

There is a lot on the line, but the bottom line is this is what I feel I was meant to do. I will have to accept the consequences of what happens. I will just pray that God holds this pregnancy in His hands and blesses it and carries it safely. I know I am in good hands with my doctors, my husband, and my friends.

What does Hubs have to say about all of this, you ask? He says he will take things as they come. He feels no fear nor excitement either way. He will play that hand that God deals us because that is all any of us can do. He sees no point in worrying about things that are out of his control. He supports me no matter what I decide. It is a great thing, but it is also a tough thing for me because it makes the decision mine alone.

There are so many unknowns at this point. Anything could change at any moment. But for now, the plan is to go forward.